[INTP] What does this INTP guy want from me?

[white00]

Hi, I met this INTP senior only during his last semester in college.
We clicked and there was chemistry between us.
However, he continued his education in another state and we are far apart now.

It has been a few months since. He texts me good morning and goodnight almost everyday. He also asked if I have a boyfriend.
He would explain to me when he is busy with work and reply me late (just a few times), and double text sometimes.
Sometimes he sends me pictures when he sees things that remind him of me.

The problem is, he is casually dating another girl now. He abruptly told me this after a friend tagged me a photo on fb.
it was a photo of me and my good guy friend during halloween party.
I was surprised to hear that and the way he said it was a bit hurtful. He didn't text me for 2 days after that.
He then texted me again after my guy friend mentioned to him that he has a girlfriend.
My friend thinks that he might have misunderstood that we were dating.

He told me that it is casual dating and the girl was the one who approached him first, asking his friends for his number.
he said he does not see her as a long term partner. Now he is still texting me every day like usual.
What does he want from me? Why is he still texting me when he is already dating someone?
I have tried to give cold replies or ignore his texts but he would just text again, telling me about his day etc. (although I didn't ask)
Once, I asked him how can he be so rational about everything and he said I am changing that. Probably an NT/NF thing.

I am an XNFP btw.
if he genuinely likes me, he wouldn't be dating someone else (even if it is just casual)?
Is he playing me or something?
Should I just ignore him? NFs are soft-hearted people so sometimes it is difficult.

 

[laterlazer]

um idk if dating someone and talking to another is an nt thing at all, cos one of my infj friends is pretty into casual dating atm and has even had a hookup or two recently which i found surprising for her but hey you cant know what people are like all the time. imo if you dont like him just ignore him. you have to first ask yourself if you actually care to have a relationship with him, if you dont then the answer's easy, ignore him, block him, whatever. if you do want to pursue things with him then i think you should tell him how you feel tbh and talk about how you dont feel he cares about you that much when he's casually dating another person, his response should give you enough info to know if you should waste your energy on him or not. idk if my advice is any good cos i literally have not been in a relationship or anything and the only experience i have is ignoring guys who make me uncomfortable after a while lol. i hate when guys dont get the hint when you try to be cold in your reply and ignore them though.

 

[Radio Bob]

If he is physically removed from you by distance, how is this hurting you? Have you, or had you shared words that you would have fidelity with each other and he is violating that promise?

I think all people want (energy) connections.

What's the difference between his friend and yours? Is he being intimate and you are not? Trust and Intentions.

You really don't have to answer me. You just have to decide if you want to continue whatever it is, or (as stated above) ignore him. (Though I must share that sometimes I am polite while giving someone the opportunity to make up their minds and I gain respect for them if they actually share what they want to do, instead of just fading away, or creating some BS reason for ending it when you can feel what's really going on anyway).

PS, Did he know about your Good Guy Friend before the FB tag, or was that pretty abrupt to him as well?

 

[Amargith]

Sounds like he misunderstood and started dating someone (or say he is) to avoid feeling hurt and/or prove to himself that he is not emotionally attached to you.

At this point, before everything gets more convoluted, id personally just talk to him, explain what you think happened, ask him if he felt there was something there between you, coz you thought there was and if so, what he would like to do about it. It would help for you to be clear on what you re at least right now looking for from him, going in.

Ime, NTPs have trouble with being vulnerable and emotionally intimate, because it typically is so far from their rational wheelhouse - especially when young. So prepare to do the heavy lifting there and make them feel secure if you do want to date them. Otherwise you ll likely be in for a lot of backpedalling, denial and mindgames as they try to figure things out.

 

[Red Herring]

Talk to him.

 

[Fluffywolf]

Ah, young INTP days...

...How I definately don't miss you! Haha.


Anyway, best thing is just to be direct, ask where you guys stand. If you have interest in him, be open about it. Also if you don't. Clear up the confusing. Wether you stay as friends or pursue a more intimite relationship. Beating around the bush is going to make things weird for both of you.



The INTP probably isn't going to do that unless he already learned to do it, he's just gonna rollercoaster through emotions crashing into things left and right if left unchecked.

 

[white00]

you have to first ask yourself if you actually care to have a relationship with him, if you dont then the answer's easy, ignore him, block him, whatever. if you do want to pursue things with him then i think you should tell him how you feel tbh and talk about how you dont feel he cares about you that much when he's casually dating another person, his response should give you enough info to know if you should waste your energy on him or not.

Thanks for the advice. it is really helpful. Being honest with him would be the best way out, it's just that I don't know if I have the right to actually ask him anything. Since we have been "just friends". Appreciate your reply!

 

[white00]

No, we didn't make any promise. it is just that I thought/misunderstood that he was interested in me.
I am not dating anyone. my friend is just a friend.

I just don't know what he expects from me with the constant texting. Maybe I am overthinking it. I get what u mean, if i decide to distant myself, it will be good if I be honest about the reason.

He didn't know about him. Never met him until the tag. I believe that was for him abrupt too.

Thanks.

 

[white00]

Sounds like he misunderstood and started dating someone (or say he is) to avoid feeling hurt and/or prove to himself that he is not emotionally attached to you.

At this point, before everything gets more convoluted, id personally just talk to him, explain what you think happened, ask him if he felt there was something there between you, coz you thought there was and if so, what he would like to do about it. It would help for you to be clear on what you re at least right now looking for from him, going in.

Ime, NTPs have trouble with being vulnerable and emotionally intimate, because it typically is so far from their rational wheelhouse - especially when young. So prepare to do the heavy lifting there and make them feel secure if you do want to date them. Otherwise you ll likely be in for a lot of backpedalling, denial and mindgames as they try to figure things out.

Get your point. open communication is key. I feel that I cannot expect anything from him since he is in another state now. Hence, I tried to move on. but his "signs of interest" eg. remembering what I said, encouragement texts, sending random pic of my favourite snacks when doing grocery shopping are making it difficult. At the same time, I know I have to stay rational and not over idealising the situation since he is dating someone else (despite him implying that it is not serious) I don't even know if he likes me at all (romantically I mean). Anyway, thank you.

 

[white00]

Ah, young INTP days...

...How I definately don't miss you! Haha.


Anyway, best thing is just to be direct, ask where you guys stand. If you have interest in him, be open about it. Also if you don't. Clear up the confusing. Wether you stay as friends or pursue a more intimite relationship. Beating around the bush is going to make things weird for both of you.



The INTP probably isn't going to do that unless he already learned to do it, he's just gonna rollercoaster through emotions crashing into things left and right if left unchecked.

I have interest in him, just don't know if I can express it because we are "long distance" now and also, he is dating someone. How can I show him that I like him more than a friend, indirectly? so that things won't become even weirder if he is not interested. Thanks.

 

[Fluffywolf]

I have interest in him, just don't know if I can express it because we are "long distance" now and also, he is dating someone. How can I show him that I like him more than a friend, indirectly? so that things won't become even weirder if he is not interested. Thanks.

I wouldn't do it indirectly, if anything has the potential to make things weird, it's being subtle about it.

Right now, he is living his life while you're still emotionally chained. Nothing is happening, and you are just stuck.

Easy way out is move on and find someone else. But you're here so.

If you want to fight for him. If you want to find out if there is still potential there. You have very little choice but to be direct about it. And it might end up hurting you, but so what. What do you have to lose? If he isn't interested in reciprocating, the ability to remain friends rests entirely on you. And if you've fought and lost, at least you'll then be able to be a friend without lingering emotions instead of feeling awkward about your interactions.

 

[RedAmazoneFriendZone]

He has you in his pocket now For sure he makes you spend your time to think of him .....

If you are "far apart" I understand his behaviour in a way...

I think this is not about types but seduction.


You probably need to know if he is playing games (like not contacting you anymore after he told you brutally he is dating someone else).

If you want an exclusive relationship forget it. It seems INTP like mind games but they are not all the same about honesty. Ask him frankly why he acted this way.

Do you feel respected. That is the first question. Then........ action ! Don't feel ashamed to make him understand it is important for you to know where you stand in that mess.

 

[JocktheMotie]

How can I show him that I like him more than a friend, indirectly? so that things won't become even weirder if he is not interested. Thanks.

I would advise against this since he likely will not notice. Direct is better.

Also he probably likes you already judging by his previous texting behavior.

 

[Radio Bob]

He didn't know about him. Never met him until the tag. I believe that was for him abrupt too.

Thanks.

Just talk as bluntly as you can with him, before he imagines the worst and the self protection kicks in. Frankly, if he's reacting he probably already cares on some level, but distance may be limiting expected growth of a relationship. I like the earlier reference to emotions banging all around when younger. Tis true....