• You are currently viewing our forum as a guest, which gives you limited access to view most discussions and access our other features. By joining our free community, you will have access to additional post topics, communicate privately with other members (PM), view blogs, respond to polls, upload content, and access many other special features. Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free, so please join our community today! Just click here to register. You should turn your Ad Blocker off for this site or certain features may not work properly. If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact us by clicking here.

[INTP] Please help INTP understand female behavior

Owl

desert pelican
Joined
Feb 23, 2008
Messages
717
MBTI Type
INTP
I met a girl nearly a month ago, and I'm quite taken with her. We get along superbly, getting lost in conversations that last for hours. We've similar interests, (intellectual and otherwise), backgrounds, and we're of the same faith. (very rare). I know she's interested in me, but we're not at a point where we can progress past friendship. (At the moment, this is strictly verboten). We've been open to one another about how we feel about the relationship, and we've agreed to 'put the breaks on;' e.g., we'll only meet in groups.

Recently, we went to the symphony with a group of friends. She distributed the tickets, and, to my delight, she put us together. (I don't know if this was intentional or not, but I did notice her scrutinizing the tickets before she handed them out. Also, the rest of the group went ahead of me at the theatre as I spoke to an usher, and I found her sitting in my seat when I finally caught up.) Near the end of the symphony, she adjusted her position, crossed her legs, and her foot ended up just barely resting against my calf--making it impossible for me to pay attention to the music. I certainly didn't want to recoil at her touch, and she let her foot dally there long enough to let me know that she certainly wasn't scared of me. I had to leave before the symphony was over to go to work, and I've neither seen nor spoken to her since.

What am I supposed to do? Were her actions at the symphony intentional? We're supposed to be taking it slow. I'm not sure if her actions are merely friendly, or if she's signaling that she's interested in being more than just friends. What's she thinking?

I'm going insane. Any insight would be appreciated.
 

Jack Flak

Permabanned
Joined
Jul 17, 2008
Messages
9,098
MBTI Type
type
You should probably say something, man. Ask her to dinner.
 

Bufo

New member
Joined
Jul 27, 2008
Messages
122
MBTI Type
onto
Enneagram
5w4
All I can say: have patience, don't think on her behalf.
 

Jack Flak

Permabanned
Joined
Jul 17, 2008
Messages
9,098
MBTI Type
type
Yeah, and furthermore: You don't really need to read her mind. I mean, it would be nice, but if you're just assertive it's hard to go wrong. Tell her you want to go on a date, and if she does too, great.
 

cafe

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 19, 2007
Messages
9,827
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
9w1
Why is it Verboten to be in a romantic relationship at this time? I suspect she likes you and like-likes you and doesn't realize what she is doing to you with these small displays of affection. To her it's probably just a little playful flirting.
 

Bufo

New member
Joined
Jul 27, 2008
Messages
122
MBTI Type
onto
Enneagram
5w4
Be careful about cramming her with your theories. She mightn't like them sometimes.
 

Owl

desert pelican
Joined
Feb 23, 2008
Messages
717
MBTI Type
INTP
All I can say: have patience, don't think on her behalf.

...

Be careful about cramming her with your theories. She mightn't like them sometimes.

I met her in a study group, (I'm a philosophy tutor), and she seems to not mind my theoretical ramblings.

Yeah, and furthermore: You don't really need to read her mind. I mean, it would be nice, but if you're just assertive it's hard to go wrong. Tell her you want to go on a date, and if she does too, great.

She's already asked me out. But we can't date... yet.

Why is it Verboten to be in a romantic relationship at this time? I suspect she likes you and like-likes you and doesn't realize what she is doing to you with these small displays of affection. To her it's probably just a little playful flirting.

The church I attend takes courtship very seriously. I'd need to get her father's permission to date her, but she's a convert--making our pastor her de facto gaurdian. And neither of us has been properly vetted to ensure that we're ready for the responsibilities that come with marriage.
 

cafe

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 19, 2007
Messages
9,827
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
9w1
The church I attend takes courtship very seriously. I'd need to get her father's permission to date her, but she's a convert--making our pastor her de facto gaurdian. And neither of us has been properly vetted to ensure that we're ready for the responsibilities that come with marriage.
I'd take her behavior as an indicator that she would like you to get started on the process. Do you feel motivated? lol (Our religion isn't as strict as yours, but my husband and I met at a conservative Bible College, so I kind of get where you're coming from.)
 

Bella

New member
Joined
Sep 10, 2008
Messages
1,510
MBTI Type
ISTJ
Goodness gracious, what are you waiting for.
 

Bella

New member
Joined
Sep 10, 2008
Messages
1,510
MBTI Type
ISTJ
Oh, I'm sorry, I'm not allowed her. Oops.
 

Totenkindly

@.~*virinaĉo*~.@
Joined
Apr 19, 2007
Messages
50,187
MBTI Type
BELF
Enneagram
594
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
She's already asked me out.

That answers your question.

Yes, obviously she favors you, she is giving fairly low-key clues to signal that she's interested. (At the least, not adverse -- but I think very interested, as you've already said. I would do all the stuff she was doing at the concert to show I was interested. Touching someone is usually not an accidental thing, unless you see her touching EVERYONE. Especially with introverts -- there is a certain "space buffer" people keep around themselves, esp with members of the opposite sex + you have the religious thing going.)

The church I attend takes courtship very seriously. I'd need to get her father's permission to date her, but she's a convert--making our pastor her de facto gaurdian. And neither of us has been properly vetted to ensure that we're ready for the responsibilities that come with marriage.

Wow.

Well, all right then.

I just think when people like each other, they want to put out signals showing it. She's giving you signals right now that are within the acceptable parameters of your (plural) faith. If you can give her signals back that are within the acceptable parameters too, go for it. I think she would appreciate it. I think if you don't give her SOMETHING to go with, she might not be sure after awhile if you're interested. So just enough, subtle stuff, to key her in and reaffirm it.

Since you take your faith very seriously, however, you just do have to make sure your signals stay within the acceptable parameters and you're not strenuously fighting not going further all the time. That's all.
 

Owl

desert pelican
Joined
Feb 23, 2008
Messages
717
MBTI Type
INTP
I'd take her behavior as an indicator that she would like you to get started on the process. Do you feel motivated? lol (Our religion isn't as strict as yours, but my husband and I met at a conservative Bible College, so I kind of get where you're coming from.)

Oh I'm motivated, but I don't want to move more quickly than the pace with which she's comfortable. She's said she wants us to be friends before (and if) we become romantically involved. And this is what's really throwing me off. Do person's who are just friends play footsie at the symphony? How do I discern where she draws the line between playful flirting and serious pursuit?


Goodness gracious, what are you waiting for.

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm not allowed her. Oops.

You're more than welcome here. Please stay. I need a woman's point of view.

That answers your question.

Yes, obviously she favors you, she is giving fairly low-key clues to signal that she's interested. (At the least, not adverse -- but I think very interested, as you've already said. I would do all the stuff she was doing at the concert to show I was interested. Touching someone is usually not an accidental thing, unless you see her touching EVERYONE. Especially with introverts -- there is a certain "space buffer" people keep around themselves, esp with members of the opposite sex + you have the religious thing going.)

Wow.

Well, all right then.

I just think when people like each other, they want to put out signals showing it. She's giving you signals right now that are within the acceptable parameters of your (plural) faith. If you can give her signals back that are within the acceptable parameters too, go for it. I think she would appreciate it. I think if you don't give her SOMETHING to go with, she might not be sure after awhile if you're interested. So just enough, subtle stuff, to key her in and reaffirm it.

Since you take your faith very seriously, however, you just do have to make sure your signals stay within the acceptable parameters and you're not strenuously fighting not going further all the time. That's all.

How would you go about this? Would you reciprocate the physical contact, or would you call her tell her what's on your mind (in person/on the phone/email?). I don't know how to flirt at all... :doh:

My pastor seems to be a big fan of writing girls poetry... would that be coming on too strong?
 

Firelie

Magical
Joined
Apr 18, 2008
Messages
836
MBTI Type
INTJ
Enneagram
5
How would you go about this? Would you reciprocate the physical contact, or would you call her tell her what's on your mind (in person/on the phone/email?). I don't know how to flirt at all... :doh:

My pastor seems to be a big fan of writing girls poetry... would that be coming on too strong?

Your pastor seems rather old fashioned.If someone wrote me poetry, I'd laugh at him. :huh:

Why don't you just talk to her more? Girls like attention as long as you don't overdo it and act clingy/stalkerish. I suppose your could reciprocate the contact, but don't let it get out of hand... since there are religious beliefs involved and all.
 

digesthisickness

✿ڿڰۣஇღ♥ wut ♥ღஇڿڰۣ✿
Joined
Apr 24, 2007
Messages
3,248
MBTI Type
ENTP
how old is this girl?

the whole thing sounds as if she's underage, and you have to wait for her to be legal.
 

cafe

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 19, 2007
Messages
9,827
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
9w1
I'm guessing if she's asked you out and is pursuing you that, if she is serious about her beliefs, she means it for realz and wants to be courted.

If she's a convert, she's probably serious about her beliefs, right? Because she went out of her way to adopt them. I mean, taken in context she's coming on pretty strong so I'd take it seriously.

Ask her if she'd like you to speak to the pastor about the possibility of courting her.

Edit: Oh crap, yeah. If she's underage back off.
 

INTJMom

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 28, 2007
Messages
5,413
MBTI Type
INTJ
Enneagram
5w4
It's hard to tell for sure because we weren't there,
but it sounds as though she put herself near you on purpose.
There are some women who are aggressive and I won't get into that.

If you both have agreed that you can't court right now, then that is a boundary that can create a sense of security in a girl's mind. It's possible that she just wants to be near you and be with you, while expecting you to respect the boundary. She could even be testing you to see how much you respect her based on how willing you are to continue to respect the boundary. I can't imagine how you can go wrong erring on the side of caution. If she turns out to be offended that you do not return her advances and escalate the relationship, then perhaps she is the type of woman who you are better off rid of, based on what you have described as the standards of your faith - which by the way, I find highly commendable.

You will probably be able to tell better the next time you see her.
If she touches you again, it's probably not coincidence.

Do you know what her type might be?
 

digesthisickness

✿ڿڰۣஇღ♥ wut ♥ღஇڿڰۣ✿
Joined
Apr 24, 2007
Messages
3,248
MBTI Type
ENTP
Edit: Oh crap, yeah. If she's underage back off.

seriously. read everything he's posted in this thread with that in mind. doesn't it sound like that?
 

Jack Flak

Permabanned
Joined
Jul 17, 2008
Messages
9,098
MBTI Type
type
Either way, it doesn't matter. Thread should be called "I'm pissed off b/c I have to wait to date this girl."
 

digesthisickness

✿ڿڰۣஇღ♥ wut ♥ღஇڿڰۣ✿
Joined
Apr 24, 2007
Messages
3,248
MBTI Type
ENTP
Either way, it doesn't matter. Thread should be called "I'm pissed off b/c I have to wait to date this girl."

actually, it does matter.

fuck the title. i don't want to help someone screw with some kid's head.
 
Top