[INTP] Need help figuring out confusing INTP

[oshibear1]

I am an INFJ female and I have a crazy odd attraction to an INTP at work for the past year. For some reason when I first saw him I had this unexplainable attraction, that insisted that for some reason I needed to meet him. Not sure if it’s my INFJ intuitiveness or some strange force but something told me I needed to talk to him. He’s not my usual type, or the kind of guy I would normally pay attention at all. The first time I approached him, it was to introduce myself because he was new at work and he is foreign and first time living in the US. Has lived in several countries for his job. We talked and had decent short conversation and all the sudden out of nowhere he left in mid conversation.. it was strange. I’ve tried approaching him saying hi and random funny/friendly comments every time I encountered him at work, at our lunch cafe, in the kitchen or elevator, wanting to get to know him because he seems like someone I would have a great time with. He has always been really quiet, and never looks at me in the eye or towards me at all.. Many times, I saw him in the parking lot and noticed he ran away from me, trying to avoid being stuck having to talk to me? Not sure if I intimidate him or he gets weird around me, but he’s pretty social towards others and very animated guy. There is something about me that he gets really weird with. Several months ago, we had a cocktail party at work, and we were drinking and for the first time he actually approached me and had a conversation amongst other coworkers and it was pretty fun. Then after the event, everything went back to the usual distant awkwardness. If I ran into him in the hallway, he would say hi but never look at me in the eye and sometimes even take a different door than me. He is not really a quiet guy in general, he’s actually known for being a little crazy and outspoken among his coworkers. He is smart and has a very good position at work. On certain occasions I’ve approached him asking him about his hobbies and he was actually pretty animated while discussing them, but still wouldn’t look at me in the face, and would find something to do with his hands or look at something else. Also, he never asks me about me, or my life etc. It’s always me asking him. I thought, maybe he likes me and he’s shy around me. I’ve noticed he looks at me often but from a distance always, and when I come say hi it’s all aqua turtle from there. Anyway, last week a few of us at work where having a lose conversation in the hallway, and I sometimes throw some sarcastic comments around and I said something along the words of “I do whatever I want” (just playing) then I heard some random “you go girl” comment come out of his mouth.. lol. It caught me off guard since he never talks to me and all the sudden throws sass to me in front of other people. So I decided to confront him later, and went to his office and asked him about it, in a fun laid back playful kind of way and I told him I was just surprised he said that to me because he never really talks to me much. Anyway, he didn’t say much about that, but we talked about other random stuff and laughed and were being playful and laid-back towards each other. The next day, I went over to talk to him about some questions I had, and for the first time ever he looked at me in the face/eyes when talking to me. I actually realized what color eyes he had for once, lol. Anyway, the conversation got a little sour though, no idea why, but he seemed very moody (again threw me off out of nowhere), and came off pretty rude and highly opinionated. We were talking about different cultures, since we are both from other countries, and he started saying negative things about Americans and how they are stupid, and how he would never live here for too long, and how he thought I was very Americanized (I’ve lived here for 16 years), and then said that he dated a girl from my country and how he thinks we are very high maintenance, and all this crap.. I was so confused, and couldn't understand why he was being so negative and judgmental for no reason at all. He seemed rebellious and was talking a lot which was very unusual and I was just wondering if he was in a bad mood. I didn’t really say a whole lot, I didn’t get mad either, I just stood there listening and kept it chill, but then I said Ok, smiled and left. It felt overwhelming, I mean to speak negative like that in a professional environment was a bit out of place. After that day, whenever I see him, I kind of just keep on with my business. He says hi, and has tried making small friendly talk when we run into each other, but I kind of keep it short. I sort of felt like a clarification would have been nice, but highly doubt he ever will.. It was just weird, it was like what the hell was that? The he acts like nothing ever happened, maybe he’s trying, I don’t know, but I don’t think it was cool for him to talk towards me like that, so I’m not sure if I should take it personally like he’s a jerk or what. Anyway, I’ll be glad to here any INTP’s opinions and perspective on this story. Thanks, and if you have questions of us INFJ females, ask!

 

[martinkunev]

Friendly tip: You should keep your text a little shorter or at least divide it into paragraphs if you want people responding.

I'm kind of between INTJ and INTP so here is my opinion:

He probably doesn't know how to respond to emotions and cannot express his own very well. Don't expect him to understand how you're feeling. If you become too emotional, there is a chance he will become very logical (this has happened to me a lot - not knowing how to respond emotionally, that's the only possible action).

Your conversation about americans - He was willing to discuss this with you, which is a good sign. Seems like he was being completely honest at this moment. Apparently he finds some american traits in you that he doesn't really like, but don't take it too personally. He is not being rude or trying to upset you. I don't know what is his age, but his comment seems a little immature.

The fact that he has been avoiding you on several occasions suggests likes you. Maybe he fears he has something to lose if he fails in the communication.

INTPs are not good at smalltalk and don't like it. If you want to communicate with him, I suggest you try to find some interests you have in common. If you meet him in e.g. the elevator, he would be fine staying silent (if he knows that you are fine with this) - you cannot really make a deep conversation in the elevator. As long as you are communicating well, moments of silence shouldn't be a problem.

 

[oshibear1]

Thanks a lot for your feedback. I'm new to this forum stuff. So, you got me thinking now he could actually be an INTJ. I ran into him at a bar, and he was drinking and way way more open. Turns out, he told me that he wouldn't talk to me at work because he was dating a girl he lived with but now he is single. I still think it's odd that he used to avoid me and never look at me in the eye because he had a girlfriend? Ok.. I told him that I've been with someone for the past 8 years and right now we are at a point where it's not going that well.
We talked all night, hung out at his place (I agreed to go to his place but mentioned don't get the wrong idea several times before I agreed - I'm sure it was dumb of me but after 2 am there wasn't many places to go and he lives a block away from the bar).. I'm sure going to his place was a terrible idea, but it was the only chance to get to talk. It was cool and chill, playing records and talking. The guy sure talks a lot of shit, criticizes others and judges eryone like crazy. I'm not sure if he's just a jerk or if that is possibly an INTP/INTJ thing? He said my boss was a weird lesbian, my coworker was retarded, and just had a bunch of mean things to say about others. Lol. I nicely told him he needed to be a little more accepting of others and he understood.
Throughout the night, he was very comfortable and pretty damn confident of himself, and kept asking me to cuddle with him.. I said it would be nice but no (cuddles obviously lead to sex lol) that I wasn't willing to cheat, but I was willing to get to know him better. He still insisted in a cute way, not freaky but still I said no bevause couch cuddles lead a guy to sex. I am aware that hanging w him sucks because I am still in a relationship, but I've been questioning my relationship since my man never never goes out with me or makes the slightest effort (I go eat alone or with friends all the time for the past years) so I thought that perhaps getting to know this guy wouldn't be such a horrible thing on my part. Still isn't that cool, I am aware of that.
Later on, I asked him to drive me to my car. We talked a little more during the drive, he told me it was sad that I was still w someone after 8 years and it being the way it was me going out alone. He has a lot of opinions, some pretty harsh and many of things he has no idea about (closed minded maybe?) I told him it was hard for me to open up to him because of his judgements, he understood me.. we seemed t have mutual understanding. Before I left, I gave him a hug, and I massaged his head a little bit and ran w my nails on his back, he got all boyish and started moaning and told me I smelled good. I guess I wanted to see what I felt but still afraid of doing more.. maybe I'll also go to hell for that. Then I said goodbye.
On Monday I saw him at work, I passed by his office and waved hi, he was on his phone and he gave me an dead hello and he looked sad or like crappy mood. Not sure, I guess our night together was very confusing. Maybe he thinks I'm a tease because I went to his place and didn't get naked. Or idk. Now things are sort of the way they used to be. No bad vibes at least, but we aren't necessarily talking much either.
I'm starting to think he's an INTJ, considering he opened up a whole lot more and was very confident. Still find it crazy odd he used to avoid eye contact w me for a while year.