[INTP] Need help decoding INTP crush, confusing behavior, help!

[oshibear1]

I am an INFJ female and I have a crazy odd attraction to an INTP at work for the past year. For some reason when I first saw him I had this unexplainable attraction, that insisted that for some reason I needed to meet him. Not sure if it’s my INFJ intuitiveness or some strange force but something told me I needed to talk to him. He’s not my usual type, or the kind of guy I would normally pay attention at all. The first time I approached him, it was to introduce myself because he was new at work and he is foreign and first time living in the US. Has lived in several countries for his job. We talked and had decent short conversation and all the sudden out of nowhere he left in mid conversation.. it was strange. I’ve tried approaching him saying hi and random funny/friendly comments every time I encountered him at work, at our lunch cafe, in the kitchen or elevator, wanting to get to know him because he seems like someone I would have a great time with. He has always been really quiet, and never looks at me in the eye or towards me at all.. Many times, I saw him in the parking lot and noticed he ran away from me, trying to avoid being stuck having to talk to me? Not sure if I intimidate him or he gets weird around me, but he’s pretty social towards others and very animated guy. There is something about me that he gets really weird with. Several months ago, we had a cocktail party at work, and we were drinking and for the first time he actually approached me and had a conversation amongst other coworkers and it was pretty fun. Then after the event, everything went back to the usual distant awkwardness. If I ran into him in the hallway, he would say hi but never look at me in the eye and sometimes even take a different door than me. He is not really a quiet guy in general, he’s actually known for being a little crazy and outspoken among his coworkers. He is smart and has a very good position at work. On certain occasions I’ve approached him asking him about his hobbies and he was actually pretty animated while discussing them, but still wouldn’t look at me in the face, and would find something to do with his hands or look at something else. Also, he never asks me about me, or my life etc. It’s always me asking him. I thought, maybe he likes me and he’s shy around me. I’ve noticed he looks at me often but from a distance always, and when I come say hi it’s all aqua turtle from there. Anyway, last week a few of us at work where having a lose conversation in the hallway, and I sometimes throw some sarcastic comments around and I said something along the words of “I do whatever I want” (just playing) then I heard some random “you go girl” comment come out of his mouth.. lol. It caught me off guard since he never talks to me and all the sudden throws sass to me in front of other people. So I decided to confront him later, and went to his office and asked him about it, in a fun laid back playful kind of way and I told him I was just surprised he said that to me because he never really talks to me much. Anyway, he didn’t say much about that, but we talked about other random stuff and laughed and were being playful and laid-back towards each other. The next day, I went over to talk to him about some questions I had, and for the first time ever he looked at me in the face/eyes when talking to me. I actually realized what color eyes he had for once, lol. Anyway, the conversation got a little sour though, no idea why, but he seemed very moody (again threw me off out of nowhere), and came off pretty rude and highly opinionated. We were talking about different cultures, since we are both from other countries, and he started saying negative things about Americans and how they are stupid, and how he would never live here for too long, and how he thought I was very Americanized (I’ve lived here for 16 years), and then said that he dated a girl from my country and how he thinks we are very high maintenance, and all this crap.. I was so confused, and couldn't understand why he was being so negative and judgmental for no reason at all. He seemed rebellious and was talking a lot which was very unusual and I was just wondering if he was in a bad mood. I didn’t really say a whole lot, I didn’t get mad either, I just stood there listening and kept it chill, but then I said Ok, smiled and left. It felt overwhelming, I mean to speak negative like that in a professional environment was a bit out of place. After that day, whenever I see him, I kind of just keep on with my business. He says hi, and has tried making small friendly talk when we run into each other, but I kind of keep it short. I sort of felt like a clarification would have been nice, but highly doubt he ever will.. It was just weird, it was like what the hell was that? The he acts like nothing ever happened, maybe he’s trying, I don’t know, but I don’t think it was cool for him to talk towards me like that, so I’m not sure if I should take it personally like he’s a jerk or what. Anyway, I’ll be glad to here any INTP’s opinions and perspective on this story. Thanks, and if you have questions of us INFJ females, ask!

 

[Scapegoated 4 fun]

Don't take it personally, all my INTP friends can get in bad moods for virtually no visible reason, and their known for they're philosophical tangents where they go on about every negative thing they can find when they get in one of these moods. Chances are you had nothing to do with his mood being triggered and you just caught him at the wrong time. I'm sure he didn't intend for it to be taken personally.

 

[Scapegoated 4 fun]

It's that shadow Fe presenting it's self.

 

[kotoshinohaisha]

Yeah my intp friend do that to me too but before he can do that to me, I'll first put a silent treatment on him. XD but sometimes they seem sensotard that they don't feel empathy towards others lol

So if im sad or pissed off he would not even recognize it. It's just the way he is and he's just not aware of his actions

So probably what u see is what you get.

And he loves to give silent treatment lol. XD

Like you don't fucking know what's going on his mind

And he doesn't care about yours too lol

 

[rav3n]

It sounds as if he was cool to you at the beginning because of what he explained to you later, that he was worried you might be too Americanised, potentially high maintenance etc. For him to come out and say that to you and look you in the eyes, means you passed muster when you stated that you do what you want (when he said 'go girl' out of the blue) and then sought him out and joked around with him afterwards. And lastly, now that he's opened up to you where you appeared to not have been offended by his opinion (you were chill, said ok to his opinion then smiled), he feels comfortable enough to be friendly to you.

It's not up to us to tell you if you should be offended or not. That's your choice to take it any way you wish but yeah, INTPs can be a bit oblivious when it comes to social niceties.

Btw, paragraphs would likely help to draw a larger audience and more responses.

 

[Jetta]

Good grief. That post is a whopper. I'm an INTP and you seem crazy obsessed.

 

[Lucy_Ricardo]

I totally get where you're coming from. I'm an INFP, and the thing that INFPs and INFJs have in common is a strong intuition that's hard to ignore. And the intuition is there for a reason--you're drawn to him, and that means he probably has a role to play in your life. Whether it's a romantic role is left to be determined.

I don't like to use MBTI for relationship advice because I don't think type makes the person--every type has its well-adjusted folks and maladjusted folks.

That being said, however, I used to date an INTP, and it was an education.

Here's my advice to you, at the risk of sounding like a Cosmo magazine article: don't act like you're interested in him. The INTP I dated pursued me, but if I came back a little strong (something I've had to curb in myself), he'd pull back. It was as if he wanted to find out about me on his own without my help. I can't say definitively that that's what it was, but that's what it felt like.

I never initiated conversation with him, I never texted him first, I'd wait a while before answering his texts--basically, I would never act too available to him. And that's when he would push hard to be with me.

The second I showed that I was excited about hanging out with him or if I initiated communication, he would get chilly. I can't explain it--it was like he enjoyed the pursuit and the puzzling, and me being too receptive ruined the mystery. And to be honest, I really enjoyed it, too, that little bit of romantic cat and mouse.

Your guy might be the same way. I'm not saying all INTPs are because the type doesn't make the person, but your guy might be that way. Pull back for a while and see what he does.

Red flag, though: whenever someone grossly generalizes an entire population of people, it shows profound ignorance and narrow-mindedness. Your guy has shown the tendency to generalize people by saying Americans are stupid and girls from your country are high-maintenance. And that's a red flag.


And I know this is such an American thing to say, but if he thinks Americans are so dumb and he dislikes being here so much, then why stay? Honestly.

 

[Doctor Cringelord]

We talked and had decent short conversation and all the sudden out of nowhere he left in mid conversation..

The awkwardness of inferior Fe. They can be pleasant enough conversationalists but aren't always so great with the finer details and rules of social etiquette.

it was strange. I’ve tried approaching him saying hi and random funny/friendly comments every time I encountered him at work, at our lunch cafe, in the kitchen or elevator, wanting to get to know him because he seems like someone I would have a great time with. He has always been really quiet, and never looks at me in the eye or towards me at all.. Many times, I saw him in the parking lot and noticed he ran away from me, trying to avoid being stuck having to talk to me? Not sure if I intimidate him or he gets weird around me, but he’s pretty social towards others and very animated guy. There is something about me that he gets really weird with. Several months ago, we had a cocktail party at work, and we were drinking and for the first time he actually approached me and had a conversation amongst other coworkers and it was pretty fun. Then after the event, everything went back to the usual distant awkwardness. If I ran into him in the hallway, he would say hi but never look at me in the eye and sometimes even take a different door than me.

A couple possibilities, 1) he likes you and is terrified of acting like a blubbering idiot in front of you (again, the awkwardness of inferior Fe at play). 2) he is uninterested in a romantic relationship with you and is purposefully avoiding you because he doesn't know how to tell you without hurting your feelings.

He is not really a quiet guy in general, he’s actually known for being a little crazy and outspoken among his coworkers. He is smart and has a very good position at work. On certain occasions I’ve approached him asking him about his hobbies and he was actually pretty animated while discussing them, but still wouldn’t look at me in the face, and would find something to do with his hands or look at something else. Also, he never asks me about me, or my life etc. It’s always me asking him. I thought, maybe he likes me and he’s shy around me. I’ve noticed he looks at me often but from a distance always, and when I come say hi it’s all aqua turtle from there.

Good, a great way to engage an INTP is to talk about things, ideas, and their interests, rather than useless small talk (i.e. the weather, people-oriented gossip, et al).

Likely he doesn't have a lot of experience socializing with women and doesn't realize he needs to focus the conversation on you and your interests a bit OR he simply isn't interested in you romantically and therefore isn't interested in your interests and just wanted to share about himself.

I think the reason a lot of people try to correlate INTP with Aspergers is that both can present as self-absorption in one's own interests and total obliviousness to or disinterest in other people's interests. However INTPs can work on this and at least learn to feign some interest and come across as more engaging, better listeners.

Anyway, last week a few of us at work where having a lose conversation in the hallway, and I sometimes throw some sarcastic comments around and I said something along the words of “I do whatever I want” (just playing) then I heard some random “you go girl” comment come out of his mouth.. lol. It caught me off guard since he never talks to me and all the sudden throws sass to me in front of other people. So I decided to confront him later, and went to his office and asked him about it, in a fun laid back playful kind of way and I told him I was just surprised he said that to me because he never really talks to me much. Anyway, he didn’t say much about that, but we talked about other random stuff and laughed and were being playful and laid-back towards each other. The next day, I went over to talk to him about some questions I had, and for the first time ever he looked at me in the face/eyes when talking to me. I actually realized what color eyes he had for once, lol. Anyway, the conversation got a little sour though, no idea why, but he seemed very moody (again threw me off out of nowhere), and came off pretty rude and highly opinionated. We were talking about different cultures, since we are both from other countries, and he started saying negative things about Americans and how they are stupid, and how he would never live here for too long, and how he thought I was very Americanized (I’ve lived here for 16 years), and then said that he dated a girl from my country and how he thinks we are very high maintenance, and all this crap.. I was so confused, and couldn't understand why he was being so negative and judgmental for no reason at all. He seemed rebellious and was talking a lot which was very unusual and I was just wondering if he was in a bad mood. I didn’t really say a whole lot, I didn’t get mad either, I just stood there listening and kept it chill, but then I said Ok, smiled and left. It felt overwhelming, I mean to speak negative like that in a professional environment was a bit out of place. After that day, whenever I see him, I kind of just keep on with my business. He says hi, and has tried making small friendly talk when we run into each other, but I kind of keep it short. I sort of felt like a clarification would have been nice, but highly doubt he ever will.. It was just weird, it was like what the hell was that? The he acts like nothing ever happened, maybe he’s trying, I don’t know, but I don’t think it was cool for him to talk towards me like that, so I’m not sure if I should take it personally like he’s a jerk or what. Anyway, I’ll be glad to here any INTP’s opinions and perspective on this story. Thanks, and if you have questions of us INFJ females, ask!

To the bolded, sounds like a case of past Si impressions of American women kicking in and affecting his view of you. He's going by past experiential data (Si) which has affected his present worldview/understanding/framework (Ti). So it may be that he is attracted to you but his TiSi is telling him it's a bad idea, to not get involved, so he's withdrawing and holding back. So while it seemed to you he was being judgmental for no reason, it is likely that in his mind he had very good reason to judge you and American women a certain way (Ti) based on his past experience (Si).

With that said...

You need to find a way to engage his Ne more, because that could get him more excited in pursuing a friendship or possibly a romantic relationship with you. Sounds like he opened up a bit when you talked to him about his interests, so what I would advise is find out what interests and hobbies you two might share and try to engage him on those. Bring him out of his shell but be mindful of the nature of inferior Fe and his past sour relationships. Maybe a date, but rather than the more traditional style date (i.e. dinner and a movie), perhaps a trip together to a museum or art show or some sort of event or place that really ties in to his (and preferably yours too) hobbies or interests.

INTx types have a sapiosexual component, I think. So you need to make yourself attractive as more than what he might be seeing as the shallow, Americanized woman. However, don't sacrifice or change your personality just to please him. Be yourself, just find common ground and interests. If he still doesn't like you, then his loss.

Yeah, INTPs can be moody, opinionated jerks, especially when that tertiary Si is informing their current understanding of things with negative experiential data.


Also, for future reference, you may want to break long posts into smaller paragraphs so they're easier to read. You may get more advice and responses that way.