[ENTP] ENTP enraged with INTJ "coldness"

[oiseaubleu]

So, I made this account specifically to talk about this issue.
I've had an online friend who's an ENTP for around 7 months. He and I slowly found out lots of similarities, and I mean LOTS of them. I have a tendency to get depressed during difficult times and he's always been there to listen. I've tried returning the favor by listening to his problems, and his issues are around only one thing: relationships. He seems to have a lot of trouble with them, and the ones he had apparently hurt him with things like cheating, which makes him wary of new ones whilst also being eager to have one. The problem is, every time he's on to opening up about it, there's so much anger that somehow ends up going towards me. Anything I say seems to escalate it and make end up badly, so most of the time I end the conversation with "okay" and stop talking (he has entire days of rage so I wait for things to cool down). He can't see the fact I'm trying to be a comprehensive friend and listening - any suggestions I give are received with sarcastic remarks, and in our last argument he criticized me saying I'm an "isolated human being". I'm very disheartened at the prospect of losing his friendship, but I am not willing to be someone's "punching bag" either.
My doubts are, should I just drop him despite our great dynamics (during 98% of the time, at least), try to be very open with him about it showing my side, not defend myself at all and just show him he's wrong?
Thoughts and suggestions are highly appreciated.

Sincerely,
clueless INTJ.

 

[entropie]

ENTPs can be in one of two modes. Ti or Fe. Since Fe isnt there strength this mode will always be more taxing for everyone else. It is so difficult cause all modes are always led by Ne. So you have Ne-Ti or Ne-Fe mode.

The short answer is: you cant help him. He is feeling pain and that will end one day (hopefully before he gets too dramatic and ends himself). You can try to listen to him but he will barely want to be understood, Ne will moreso create a new problem or turn your words the way, it can make a new problem. Its all about that sulking in agony.

That sucks, I know especially if he is your friend. My suggestion is: dont reason with him, wont work, he aint in Ti-mood. Try to listen to him and play the shit he thinks, even invent something dramatical yourself. But when the drama gets very unreasonable, even dangerous tell him what a really good friend he is and that you never had a better friend than him. Maybe admire him a bit for his visions and ideas. Try to put him in a kings chair but do it a way not related to his relationship problems and make your friendship the most important relationship he ever had.

Flattering entps normally works very well, cause they dont want to be in the middle of attention. They always try to get there, but when they are in and all lights are on them, they will normally feel ashamed and back out. That can ground him. Maybe. If he is a narcisst or egomaniac it will not.

Best of luck !

P.S.: your care for him, disproved all arguements of supposed 'coldness' he holds against you. Dont take that personal. ENTPs need years to understand Fi and how Fi shows its affections.

 

[The Terminator]

Deal with it.

 

[arthoe]

My suggestion is: dont reason with him, wont work, he aint in Ti-mood. Try to listen to him and play the shit he thinks, even invent something dramatical yourself. But when the drama gets very unreasonable, even dangerous tell him what a really good friend he is and that you never had a better friend than him. Maybe admire him a bit for his visions and ideas. Try to put him in a kings chair but do it a way not related to his relationship problems and make your friendship the most important relationship he ever had.

this.
also, I'd say if its 98% fun and "good" then don't drop the friendship. But u should prbably give him some more space... if he's truly hurt its probably gonna take a while before it turns around.

 

[Shaedow]

So, I made this account specifically to talk about this issue.
I've had an online friend who's an ENTP for around 7 months. He and I slowly found out lots of similarities, and I mean LOTS of them. I have a tendency to get depressed during difficult times and he's always been there to listen. I've tried returning the favor by listening to his problems, and his issues are around only one thing: relationships. He seems to have a lot of trouble with them, and the ones he had apparently hurt him with things like cheating, which makes him wary of new ones whilst also being eager to have one. The problem is, every time he's on to opening up about it, there's so much anger that somehow ends up going towards me. Anything I say seems to escalate it and make end up badly, so most of the time I end the conversation with "okay" and stop talking (he has entire days of rage so I wait for things to cool down). He can't see the fact I'm trying to be a comprehensive friend and listening - any suggestions I give are received with sarcastic remarks, and in our last argument he criticized me saying I'm an "isolated human being". I'm very disheartened at the prospect of losing his friendship, but I am not willing to be someone's "punching bag" either.
My doubts are, should I just drop him despite our great dynamics (during 98% of the time, at least), try to be very open with him about it showing my side, not defend myself at all and just show him he's wrong?
Thoughts and suggestions are highly appreciated.

Sincerely,
clueless INTJ.

I think for you this is a matter of boundaries. It seems you are aware his behaviour makes you feel uncomfortable, however asserting and acting on your boundaries could use some work.

If he is getting heated you can respectfully tell him how this is affecting you:
"Hey things are getting a bit heated and I'm trying to help. This makes me feel uncomfortable."

You can follow this up with a consequence:
"I am not going to tolerate <insert disrespectful behaviour>. If you continue to <insert disrespectful behaviour> then I won't be able to continue this conversation until you have cooled down."

You can throw in a question at the end of the previous statement which gets him to question his behaviour:
"Is this what you would like?"


If he does not respect your request and continues to disrespect you then you act on your consequence informing:
"I did make it clear if you continued to treat me this way I would have to leave this conversation."

It is also probably best to leave on good faith:
"I hope once you have cooled down we could could continue our conversation. Please let me know when you are ready "

The last part demonstrates you are open to being his listening ear (as long as he is respectful) and you aren't just cutting him off.

You then leave. Your action here says you are serious. This does not mean you are ending you friendship. What you are doing is teaching him how you want to be treated. The idea is to also protect yourself before things escalate too far.





Now the mistake you could be making: Are you looking for solutions to his problems? Or telling him it isn't the end of the world? or it's pointless to worry about x thing?

Unfortunately this does not work when people are emotional (yep I have learnt this the hard way lol). They don't feel heard and understood. A technique you could try is mirroring. Pretty much you repeat (in your own words) what he has said to you and that is it. You do not add your perspective, solution, ideas, etc. because doing so does not show you have heard the person. When you repeat back to them what they have communicated they know you are listening and helps them to feel understood.
If you are feel confident using phrases that identify his feelings this may also help him to feel understood. It could be as simple as "I can understand how you would feel in that situation," or "I can understand your frustration there."

Yes this kind of communication can feel unnatural for a thinking type as no problem has been solved. It may feel pointless. It may however help you friend feel heard and help him feel better (even though nothing has changed).


If nothing works, how about a mutual ban on talking about relationship stuff?

I hope you are able to work things out between you two.