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[ENTP] My ENTP is so different from me. How do I deal with it better?

CubeWuerfel

New member
Joined
Feb 10, 2016
Messages
12
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
5w4
*sigh* ...that I'd come back here for venting...

Anyways... I'm having a long-term romantic relationship with one of you guys and honestly, I've never had a (romantic) relationship that's been even remotely as difficult as my current one as our differences clash constantly and it's basically the same issue over and over again.

I don't talk very much, he says it annoys him. I think he finds it suspicious in a way, as if I was hiding things from him. He says he doesn't like my short answers to his questions and that he needs to ask and ask until he finally gets to hear what he wanted to know which gets on his nerves. I don't really understand his problem though, he asks me short general questions with few details and I give him short general answers with few Details as well. I'm an intuitive too but I don't really like hidden Messages, People should just say whatever the fuck they want in a clear manner instead of expecting people to read your mind and know what you actually meant and what you want. Half of the times when we're having an Argument I'm asking him "What? Explain that/ what did you mean when you said that?" and often I have to ask him that a lot until I can think I've understood. He can react very annoyed saying things like "What in the world did I say that you can't understand? It's pretty simple. I'm tired of explaining, I've tried to explain so often / I don't feel like talking about this anymore" whereas I've remained pretty calm and could continue talking about it for long. I'm thinking, "I'll ask him until I understand", idk, I don't get all emotional, I view it simply as a Problem that Needs solving, if I can't solve it now, k, maybe tomorrow, nothing to stress about....but he stresses about it.

Often I think "What's the deal?" or "Wait, what now again... did I miss something?" and I feel like arguing with a feeler though I am the damn feeler in our relation. I don't understand how the hell he interprets my Actions as "warning signs" for things such us hiding things, cheating on him with other men / thinking about cheating on him with other men, but well that's ok, but I think it isn't really reasonable or ok to still get mad after I've told him things like " I love you" , "I'd find it disgusting to sleep with People I don't know", "I think it's normal to be faithful in a relationship" or "I'm glad I got to know you" or "You know, I don't talk much because I'm kinda shy, I've made bad experiences with people" which get on MY nerves (it wasn't really easy for me to say all that). Some of the things he says make me wonder "Did he even listen to me back then..? Did he somehow fall on his head in an unfortunate way and forgot everything I told him as a result?". He's good at reasoning but I think insecurity Feeds his Imagination a great deal of the time. But...why is he insecure? Because I don't talk that much. And maybe because of some experiences too. Why do I not talk that much? I'm shy and all. I'm trying though, that's not an excuse I know, but I've told him about it....and still it gets on his nerves. It's an never ending cycle.


What on earth am I doing wrong, what the hell is even happening here, does the problem really lie on us being so different? Is it something else? I feel like I barely understand the problem as my solutions seemingly never made too much of a difference. Feedback in any form is appreciated.
 

Amargith

Hotel California
Joined
Nov 5, 2008
Messages
14,717
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
4dw
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
As a fellow Ne-dom(extraverted intuition) who is dating a fellow Ni-dom (introverted intuition), it took me some time to realise that...I brainstorm out loud. So, when I need to process something, I need interaction in order to figure it out. Meanwhile, he's totally the opposite. He needs quiet time to internalise that stuff

Now most of the time, this goes well, coz I dont really get paranoid about him, but occasionally, it is like drawing blood from a stone, when I want to talk to him about something. This is especially true about things that he hasn't previously thought through...and in our case, that's often emotional information. With big issues, I actually make it a point to regularly revisit and re-comment on the issue so he'll think about it, and it can be months before he's ready to talk. With day-to-day stuff, I know that if I remind him about the topic for about a week, I'll usually get a semi-good answer out of him, when we *then* have that talk.

But...it took me a while not to get frustrated as I didn't comprehend why he would be so terse and so holding back. He, from his side, would get annoyed and defensive coz he couldn't answer my questions and didn't get why I was harping on him, pushing his buttons to squeeze that blood from that stone, as such.

And, Ne that wants to know something is...well...it's an evil, addictive bitch. It keeps going until it gets its answer, usually, or it gets distracted with something else - especially if it's on a mission to find the truth from Fi(introverted feeling logic)/Ti(introverted thinking logic).

For us, awareness of the differences made al the difference. That, along with me knowing him so well. I've had moments of paranoia(side effect of seeing all the possible options with Ne), and when I'm just upfront and honest about them, he'll walk me through how he went about things and why he didn't consider it relevant to share...and I'll highlight the places where I'dve appreciated (insert type of communication) in order to avoid the current situation.

In your case, you're likely to best connect through Fe(extraverted feeling) with him. Iow, ime, NTPS tend to be...paranoid socially. They tend to prefer things simple and rather black and white. That means, regularly checking in with them socially and following the standard social guidelines, and doing the whole 'how are you/how was your day' in order to keep them from feeling neglected and from having that all to amazing pattern recognition mind of them concoct an entire myriad of possible options as to why you didn't call them today - anything from 'She mustve been busy at work', often the first thing they seem to think of, until they feel so insecure that they'll start thinking you don't love them and you're right now in bed with their best friend...and everything inbetween.

Although they're not always good at being this consistent themselves, socially, they themselves, from what I've seen, absolutely need that from their loved ones in order to feel loved and secure. INFJs typically are naturally good at this (me, it drives completely batty, coz I cannot be that consistent if my life depended on it), and usually know exactly what to say in order to make them feel connected again. If that's something that's hard for you to keep up though, or if he's been particularly traumatised or burned in his past, causing him to need this more intensively than most, you guys may have some difficulty working at this, but just being aware of this and realising it's not necessarily anyone's fault, but something you guys have to consciously find a way to make it work will already do a lot.

It can already just help to know that (even though he may not admit to that) it jus stems from insecure feelings within him which he has not exactly the greatest control over. Its not exactly their field of mastery...it's yours. And it can be easy to forget this coz it comes so naturally to you. And vice versa, btw. He clearly doesn't get that Ne (the brainstorming function) and Ti (the internal logic function) aren't exactly as readily accessible to you as they are to him, so things that are logical and obvious to him, and therefore 'you should've known/seen, therefore you have an alternate agenda like sleeping around!', are things that are going to be less obvious and less easy to you...and that is something he should be aware of, and should hopefully help him soothe some of those fears.

That said...all of this doesn't excuse him disrespecting you if he does go there, so, there's that to take into account.
 

1487610420

Permabanned
Joined
Apr 13, 2009
Messages
6,431
There's this preemptive caveat that comes to mind, regarding typology relationship advice, that any two people of any type can have a relationship, if they make it work. People are not simple, patterns often emerge, whether they are labeled through typology, psychology, or whatever, everyone has a story, baggage, fears etc, trying be in a relationship with another person requires dealing with one's story + the other person's + triggers caused by each. Honesty and vulnerability are good starting points, and it takes both to step up to that, or it becomes an imbalanced relationship.
 
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