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[INTJ] INTJs - Do you suffer from a recurring sense of loneliness?

INTJMom

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EDIT: Originally in NF Idyllic, so some posts respond to the original "INFJ" content, not "INTJ". -- Jen

INTJs - Do you suffer from a recurring sense of loneliness and emptiness?

I do, and I don't know how to fix it.

When I feel that way, I feel like it would be so great to have a quiet, private, deep
conversation with someone, but I can never think of anyone who I could talk to.
I have thought of journaling, but it leaves me feeling empty because I would like a response.
I'm not sure if I'm having feelings I haven't identified or dealt with, or what's the matter.
Frequently, I feel like I'm on the verge of tears all day long.
I only know that I hate going around feeling that way.

What do you do?
 
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Totenkindly

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INFJs - Do you suffer from a recurring sense of loneliness and emptiness?
(I'm posting here because I have a high degree of INFJ even though I am mostly INTJ.)

I do, and I don't know how to fix it.

When I feel that way, I feel like it would be so great to have a quiet, private, deep conversation with someone, but I can never think of anyone who I could talk to. I have thought of journaling, but it leaves me feeling empty because I would like a response. I'm not sure if I'm having feelings I haven't identified or dealt with, or what's the matter. Frequently, I feel like I'm on the verge of tears all day long. I only know that I hate going around feeling that way.

What do you do?

I'm not technically INFJ, but by function strength I am. (Ti + Ni + Ne + Fe).

It might not even be MBTI, it could simply be certain traits that interact poorly with an environment in which one felt ignored, neglected, and/or alone and misunderstood.

I'll respond just because I felt this way Saturday night.

Friday night I felt good enough to play music and dance alone around my apartment

Saturday, I should have been even happier. I went out for dinner to a nice place with a large group of friends, then out to social gatherings with them. During dinner, despite being engaged in conversation, I felt very alone.

At the meeting, sitting with someone who I knew understood me, I felt alone.

And going to a club afterwards, being included socially (the people didn't know me WELL, but they immediately made room for me and we were talking and laughing the whole time), I still felt very alone. I finally excused myself and left before most of them. (I found out later they all went out on the dance floor and had a good time after I went. I was happy for them but knew it would not have improved anything.)

Some guy hit on me hard as I passed the bar on my way out (yes, I could have spent the night with someone who "wanted" me even just in a physical way); and I knew even if I accepted, I'd still have felt alone.

So I came home and journaled.
And still felt alone.

Even at other times, when when people correspond deeply with me, I still have felt alone.

Don't ask me. Whatever contact I crave, I can't get it when I'm in that mood, or my need is far greater than anything that a human being can give me. The oddness is that it hurts bad enough that you imagine you might be bleeding to death, yet you won't die. The loneliness endures on some level no matter who is there.

But sometimes I have felt good. (Like Friday night.) I don't know why. There are many possibilities. Some people look at the "HALT" acronym (HUNGRY-ANGRY-LONELY-TIRED) when they feel unsettled. All those things can meld into each other. So maybe resolving physical stress or getting more sleep or getting your blood sugar up helps with the lonelies.

i think part of it is also just unresolvable demands from the world to justify/fortify our existence. If we don't feel safe vocalizing all of our needs, or we feel like no one understands our needs, or we have had to deal with environments where we had to live ghosts and had no real voice or presence in the world, or we didn't feel loved for exactly who we were, well, the loneliness permeates. Many people do not question their existence or their identities so deeply; those who have been forced to might consistently feel lonely. I don't know, hon.

What I do now is try to lose myself in something, whether it is music or nature or whatever else. Or I stop thinking about my existence and try to engage someone else and be there for them. Something to immerse myself in life that occurs outside of who I am, and that detracts from the loneliness. Something that is not passive but more proactive.

If you're going to tie it to INFJ at all, it would probably trigger in part from the insubstantial nature of Ni coupled with the Fe expectations from others that can NEVER be met... while you feel duty-bound and driven to extend yourself to others via Fe. The drive is relentless. The expectations of how people SHOULD treat each other and connect is huge; and you are so prone to be set up for disappointment unless you have a realistic sense of how the world actually functions and aren't expecting people to meet the ideal standards. and yet the independence/autonomy there from INxx means you are separate from others and have to constantly try to meet your standards, even if no one else meets them... and that you do it independently, quietly, and alone.
 

INTJMom

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I'm not technically INFJ, but by function strength I am. (Ti + Ni + Ne + Fe).

It might not even be MBTI, it could simply be certain traits that interact poorly with an environment in which one felt ignored, neglected, and/or alone and misunderstood.

I'll respond just because I felt this way Saturday night.
That's okay.
I was going to post in the NT section but my post had so much about feelings in it, I began to think it was the NF part of me, but now I wonder.


Friday night I felt good enough to play music and dance alone around my apartment

Saturday, I should have been even happier. I went out for dinner to a nice place with a large group of friends, then out to social gatherings with them. During dinner, despite being engaged in conversation, I felt very alone.

At the meeting, sitting with someone who I knew understood me, I felt alone.

And going to a club afterwards, being included socially (the people didn't know me WELL, but they immediately made room for me and we were talking and laughing the whole time), I still felt very alone.
...
So I came home and journaled.
And still felt alone.

Even at other times, when when people correspond deeply with me, I still have felt alone.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings.
I feel like you understand.


Don't ask me. Whatever contact I crave, I can't get it when I'm in that mood, or my need is far greater than anything that a human being can give me. The oddness is that it hurts bad enough that you imagine you might be bleeding to death, yet you won't die. The loneliness endures on some level no matter who is there.
This morning I was asking God, why, if we're entirely dependent on Him for Love that He doesn't more frequently bestow it.
Then a little while ago, I received an email from a new gal in our church. She said she had been thinking of me and she included a prayer for me.
She said a couple of nice things about me that made me feel good, well because she valued my inner spirit, not my outsides.
And it was like God answering my need for Love.


But sometimes I have felt good. (Like Friday night.) I don't know why. There are many possibilities. Some people look at the "HALT" acronym (HUNGRY-ANGRY-LONELY-TIRED) when they feel unsettled. All those things can meld into each other. So maybe resolving physical stress or getting more sleep or getting your blood sugar up helps with the lonelies.
Yes. I just heard of this recently. It does help to look at those things... if I can get to them. Usually they're hiding too far down.

i think part of it is also just unresolvable demands from the world to justify/fortify our existence. If we don't feel safe vocalizing all of our needs, or we feel like no one understands our needs, or we have had to deal with environments where we had to live ghosts and had no real voice or presence in the world, or we didn't feel loved for exactly who we were, well, the loneliness permeates. Many people do not question their existence or their identities so deeply; those who have been forced to might consistently feel lonely. I don't know, hon.
:boohoo:
That turned on the waterworks.
Well, now we're getting somewhere.


What I do now is try to lose myself in something, whether it is music or nature or whatever else. Or I stop thinking about my existence and try to engage someone else and be there for them. Something to immerse myself in life that occurs outside of who I am, and that detracts from the loneliness. Something that is not passive but more proactive.
Probably a great suggestion.
I should get on with my day,
so I can respect myself at the end of it.
That would go a long way.


If you're going to tie it to INFJ at all, it would probably trigger in part from the insubstantial nature of Ni coupled with the Fe expectations from others that can NEVER be met... while you feel duty-bound and driven to extend yourself to others via Fe. The drive is relentless. The expectations of how people SHOULD treat each other and connect is huge; and you are so prone to be set up for disappointment unless you have a realistic sense of how the world actually functions and aren't expecting people to meet the ideal standards. and yet the independence/autonomy there from INxx means you are separate from others and have to constantly try to meet your standards, even if no one else meets them... and that you do it independently, quietly, and alone.
Exactly.

Thank you.
:hug:
 

Pseudonym_Alpha

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INFJs - Do you suffer from a recurring sense of loneliness and emptiness?
(I'm posting here because I have a high degree of INFJ even though I am mostly INTJ.)

I do, and I don't know how to fix it.

When I feel that way, I feel like it would be so great to have a quiet, private, deep
conversation with someone, but I can never think of anyone who I could talk to.
I have thought of journaling, but it leaves me feeling empty because I would like a response.
I'm not sure if I'm having feelings I haven't identified or dealt with, or what's the matter.
Frequently, I feel like I'm on the verge of tears all day long.
I only know that I hate going around feeling that way.

What do you do?

I find myself in a similar circumstance. It isn't easy, thats for sure :huh:

But, with help from my friends and family, I've seen that openness has its outages, its point if you will, where it is necessary to interactive(ie. it has a time and place).

I realised that feeling this way consistantly, and always craving that answer, will lead to disappointment, and to improve my quality of life, I decided to interactive with others on their own level, try to speak "their language" if you will.

Its definitely most enlightening, especially getting to know people on that level, they open up to you in ways you can't imagine, and it is exciting to hear all the new things and ways they are getting along in life.

So in answer to your question, I don't I have an answer per se, more so a coniditional statement, which is, I don't think you will ever find that answer you're hoping for 100% of the time, I realise it may sound very flat and hard, but its what I believe.

Hope that helped :)
 

Totenkindly

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This morning I was asking God, why, if we're entirely dependent on Him for Love that He doesn't more frequently bestow it. Then a little while ago, I received an email from a new gal in our church. She said she had been thinking of me and she included a prayer for me. She said a couple of nice things about me that made me feel good, well because she valued my inner spirit, not my outsides. And it was like God answering my need for Love.

A friend -- someone I only really got to know in the last two months or so -- left a message for me on my phone the other week, on a day I was driving home late at night having just left my house, and I was feeling very alone and abandoned.

She called about business, mostly. But near the end, completely out of the blue, she just gently said, "... and never forget that I love you."

Things like that are why cell phones are dangerous when you're driving. Sigh.

:boohoo:
That turned on the waterworks.
Well, now we're getting somewhere.

As a writer, my job here is done. ;)

Exactly.
Thank you.
:hug:

:hug:

The more I think about it, though, getting out of a mindset where I am alone and isolated (like Ariel trapped in the cloven pine in The Tempest) and instead focused on the external world and engaging it is probably something I need to do, to avoid the endless introspection and clutching at self-identity that ends up putting too much separation between myself and others in my mind.

Trying to discover who we are, do we automatically make the gulf wider and draw lines that don't actually exist -- or insist on the very demarcations that bring us such pain? Lines that are not as rigid as others might have, because they feel comfortable and don't need to make the boundaries so harsh in order to preserve their sense of identity?
 

runvardh

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Eh, I've felt this way often, but it typically is because of a disconnect in the communication between myself and the people around me. All I need is one and things will be fine, but all the pieces need to be there. Then again, I'm lonely relationship wise as well so that could have something to do with it for me.
 

INTJMom

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A friend -- someone I only really got to know in the last two months or so -- left a message for me on my phone the other week, on a day I was driving home late at night having just left my house, and I was feeling very alone and abandoned.

She called about business, mostly. But near the end, completely out of the blue, she just gently said, "... and never forget that I love you."

Things like that are why cell phones are dangerous when you're driving. Sigh.
We never know how much what we say will impact someone else.
That's wonderful.

As a writer, my job here is done. ;)
tee-hee
You reminded me, as a singer, I love it when a song I sing makes people cry.
:blush:
:hug:

The more I think about it, though, getting out of a mindset where I am alone and isolated (like Ariel trapped in the cloven pine in The Tempest) and instead focused on the external world and engaging it is probably something I need to do, to avoid the endless introspection and clutching at self-identity that ends up putting too much separation between myself and others in my mind. (see edit above)
I think you're right.
Time to go make cupcakes.
 

INTJMom

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...
I realised that feeling this way consistantly, and always craving that answer, will lead to disappointment, and to improve my quality of life, I decided to interactive with others on their own level, try to speak "their language" if you will.

Its definitely most enlightening, especially getting to know people on that level, they open up to you in ways you can't imagine, and it is exciting to hear all the new things and ways they are getting along in life.
...
I guess I'm not enough of an "F" to benefit from this behavior,
but thank you for responding. :)


Maybe this is an NT question after all?
 

Totenkindly

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I think you're right.
Time to go make cupcakes.

Yum!

146467718_126cf4fbce.jpg
 

redacted

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Yeah, I'm basically lonely most of the time, even around my friends. The trick is to find someone else who "gets it". Unfortunately, I've come across very few of those people in my life...
 

edcoaching

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One thing I've learned is that I think I should be able to solve everything myself and actually isolate myself when I most need help. I've heard that from lots of INJ's. We even go to books rather than people to find answers:blush:

I've made myself regularly meet with a set of 3 dear friends--we do pray and study together. I make myself share very real concerns. Our kids are the same age and we find we're in similar dilemmas. They often have great advice and frequently give me a needed kick in the pants on many fronts.
 

INTJMom

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One thing I've learned is that I think I should be able to solve everything myself and actually isolate myself when I most need help. I've heard that from lots of INJ's. We even go to books rather than people to find answers:blush:

I've made myself regularly meet with a set of 3 dear friends--we do pray and study together. I make myself share very real concerns. Our kids are the same age and we find we're in similar dilemmas. They often have great advice and frequently give me a needed kick in the pants on many fronts.
I understand what you're saying, and I know I do that, but I can't say I think it's wrong.
I mean, isolating myself isn't good, I know that.
Not that I isolate myself.
It's that I LIVE an isolated existence pretty much,
except for my responsibilities of managing my household,
and a women's Bible study I belong to.

But I hate cultivating relationships.
It's too time consuming and mostly purposeless.
Cause I don't want to go shopping,
I don't want to sit around and gossip over coffee
and I don't want to spend money frivolously.
And then when I get lonely,
I realize I have no one I have been cultivating relationships.

The women in my Bible study are mostly elderly.
We are supposed to get a new gal this year who I know.
She's an ENTP.
And now that I think of it, I could call her.
We've talked before and she's great.

But as far as consulting books goes, I once knew an ESTP who would ask everyone for advice, and then do whatever she decided was best. I have a tendency to want to consult with people who are EXPERTS in their field. Since I don't know people like that, it's understandable that I would seek out their advice in a book or online.

Oh, and I never need a swift kick in the behind.
;)
 

Haphazard

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Sometimes.

Sometimes I don't even want a conversation. Sometimes I just want somebody to be there...

They are short bursts, though. Usually not enough to actually work to, like, call for remedying it.
 

The Ü™

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Sometimes I don't even want a conversation. Sometimes I just want somebody to be there...

This site may be able to help you.

To filter out the recurring sense of loneliness, there is no better medicine than PC gaming (and MMORPGs are supposed to be the best, although I haven't tried them myself). I find that it works even better than console gaming. I'm not sure what makes PC games more involved, but they makes the sense of loneliness go away for a while. Hell, they also make you forget your meals...so they are excellent if you are trying to lose weight...
 

INTJMom

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This site may be able to help you.

To filter out the recurring sense of loneliness, there is no better medicine than PC gaming (and MMORPGs are supposed to be the best, although I haven't tried them myself). I find that it works even better than console gaming. I'm not sure what makes PC games more involved, but they makes the sense of loneliness go away for a while. Hell, they also make you forget your meals...so they are excellent if you are trying to lose weight...
Sometimes I play online backgammon, but that's seems like just more escaping from the feelings than helping them.
 

FallsPioneer

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Online stuff doesn't really cut it for me. Back in middle school I was too shy to talk to people and ask them to do things, so a lot of the time I played PC games. That didn't really cut it though, because it's just not a good substitute for heart to heart conversation and fun outside of the house.

Most of the time I come here when I'm feeling thoughtful.

I struggled with loneliness, but the first part that I dealt with in overcoming that was really understanding what kind of interaction I wanted and what I wanted to get out of socializing. My loneliest times were the ones when I wondered why it seemed everyone else was having more fun than I was. I put myself in a sort of INTJ mental trap - "why is it that the only way to have fun is to do stuff that sucks?" I wasn't into most of the stuff that others were doing in middle school. I remember going to this one dance where there were all sorts of "dirty dancing" going on - like grinding. I got into it because I was insecure and I thought it couldn't hurt to try. I'll say that the dance ended well, but I knew I actually didn't like it.

So for a while I stayed unhappy doing things that I hated or brooding by myself until I decided to figure out what I wanted so I could make myself happy. I let other people decide for me how I was supposed to socialize and what I was supposed to do, and I resented that, and that resentment made me feel like an outcast, so I remained distant from a lot of people, even people who were genuinely interested in me.

It helps to have people who understand and accept your needs, quirks, and faults.

After I knew what I wanted, things became A LOT easier. I also had to develop empathy but that's another thing.
 

The Ü™

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Sometimes I play online backgammon, but that's seems like just more escaping from the feelings than helping them.

But there isn't really a way to help them in the way you're describing.

I understand alcohol is pretty good at alleviating this recurring tension, as well.

I find I become depressed when I reflect, so I have no choice but to concentrate on something external, but something I have relative control over -- like a computer game.
 

INTJMom

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Online stuff doesn't really cut it for me. Back in middle school I was too shy to talk to people and ask them to do things, so a lot of the time I played PC games. That didn't really cut it though, because it's just not a good substitute for heart to heart conversation and fun outside of the house.

Most of the time I come here when I'm feeling thoughtful.

I struggled with loneliness, but the first part that I dealt with in overcoming that was really understanding what kind of interaction I wanted and what I wanted to get out of socializing. My loneliest times were the ones when I wondered why it seemed everyone else was having more fun than I was. I put myself in a sort of INTJ mental trap - "why is it that the only way to have fun is to do stuff that sucks?" I wasn't into most of the stuff that others were doing in middle school. I remember going to this one dance where there were all sorts of "dirty dancing" going on - like grinding. I got into it because I was insecure and I thought it couldn't hurt to try. I'll say that the dance ended well, but I knew I actually didn't like it.

So for a while I stayed unhappy doing things that I hated or brooding by myself until I decided to figure out what I wanted so I could make myself happy. I let other people decide for me how I was supposed to socialize and what I was supposed to do, and I resented that, and that resentment made me feel like an outcast, so I remained distant from a lot of people, even people who were genuinely interested in me.

It helps to have people who understand and accept your needs, quirks, and faults.

After I knew what I wanted, things became A LOT easier. I also had to develop empathy but that's another thing.
I could very much relate to what you wrote.

I think it's that heart-to-heart conversation you referred to that I am craving when I feel lonely and empty. That's what I really want.
 

INTJMom

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But there isn't really a way to help them in the way you're describing.

I understand alcohol is pretty good at alleviating this recurring tension, as well.

I find I become depressed when I reflect, so I have no choice but to concentrate on something external, but something I have relative control over -- like a computer game.
Ube, I was pretty much asking for healthy ways of dealing with the feelings! LOL!
I can think of 20 un-healthy ways of doing it!
:smile:
 
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