[NT] Wah wah

[magpie]

I think most people alive today have some grasp...however slight...of the fact that "bad things" do happen. And when they do I think most people share their misfortune...not in an effort to get all the dicks to feel real bad-like for them...but rather as a way to communicate "I'm going through a difficult time right now and am not myself. If you have feelings... don't take my mood personally."

Yeah, OP, this was why I wanted you to examine why you think others expect you to feel bad for them. The problem might be in your perceptions around why people are sharing their issues with you. I think you're less obligated to a specific emotional reaction than you think. Not saying it's okay to be a dick. But I don't think people want your pity.

 

[INTJMom]

I'm not asking anybody to relate to me I'm just curious how people handle it if they experience the same things.

I am an INTJ, so yes, I used to feel that way, too.
Thankfully, I matured and watched other people who I respected and learned how to properly respond in those situations.
Now when someone says somebody died, I say, "I'm sorry." It means I'm sorry for your loss. I'm sorry you're in pain.
Even if I can't empathize or imagine how much pain they're in, I can still understand that emotional pain and stress in life is not welcome or enjoyable.

But I'm 57 years old. I've been around long enough to have my own pain. That has made me more sensitive to others' pain.

When I was young, somebody told me, "You are selfish, self-centered and think of nothing but yourself, all the time."
She was right. But I decided I didn't want to stay that way and I learned to be different. You can too.

 

[INTJMom]

I never ever show this to anybody unless they are the same way like you said I don't know what to do at all. I'm like" awe *gives hug* then silence.. My good friends don't know I feel this way I do care about them I don't want to hurt their feelings but I just I'm confused about handling it.

A hug... being there... silence... is the perfect way to handle it.

If the pain is really deep, there are no words that can make it better anyway.

 

[CitizenErased]

I often find myself in that situation, for I may understand what others are feeling (as a concept), but can't either empathize or sympathize with them. I'm like "this is going to go away in a while and in the meantime I'll have to be others' psychological toilet". Yes, I'm sort of egoist. Of course there are times I feel for others and it makes me really sad what it's happening to them and it also makes me sad to see those people sad, but that rarely happens.

Anyway, people around me tend to think I'm caring, because I developed what I call my "diplomat" side. Learn what others want to hear every time and say it. After a while it's even automatic and I can have entire conversations with uninteresting people saying those pre-made sentences. People leave refreshed because they had a talk in which they could express their feelings and ideas, and I... didn't even know what I was supposedly talking about. Like those examples of artificial intelligence that can have conversations with you by asking you questions all the time and such.

I'm certainly not a good example of "social hacks" ability, I just can't avoid wondering why people feel so much anguish about menial stuff. So maybe you should pay attention to more caring people.

 

[foxonstilts]

Basically it means you aren't very emotionally mature. Being NT =/= having no emotions and are so cool. People who are smart and can think and are NTs can, surprisingly, relate to other people and feel sympathy. Just not caring that someone is going through a rough time or their parent died or whatever shows that the person is probably a self-centered 15 year old.

This is a trait that I predominantly see amongst that age group and it disappears as they get older (thankfully).

 

[INTJMom]

Basically it means you aren't very emotionally mature. Being NT =/= having no emotions and are so cool. People who are smart and can think and are NTs can, surprisingly, relate to other people and feel sympathy. Just not caring that someone is going through a rough time or their parent died or whatever shows that the person is probably a self-centered 15 year old.

This is a trait that I predominantly see amongst that age group and it disappears as they get older (thankfully).

I am an INTJ female and I was still selfish and self-centered when I was 23 years old.
I think INTJs must have a harder time maturing to the level of actually caring about others.

 

[Dyslexxie]

I think we all understand and experience sympathy and empathy in different ways. I'm incredibly detached from situations and have a tough time attaching meaning to most things that people care about, but I've learned to beyond the situation and think about the person behind it. It might not mean much to me, but if it does to them and I care about them, I'll find a way to at least try to understand.

 

[Froody Blue Gem]

It can depend. It doesn't make someone a bad person if they fail to feel when others expect them to. We all have different experiences that affect our capacity. Maybe you didn't have the best ones. Even if that is not the case, people can't fault you for your natural reactions in and of themselves. It can also be about how someone expresses it but sometimes, we just can't help it. We can't force ourselves to feel or not feel. It should be natural. I mean, I suppose it can be practiced but it's certainly not easy if we are accustomed to one pattern or another. I myself often feel sorry for people but there are moments when I don't. Or don't feel as much as I should. I have been accused of being too nonchalant or cold. It kind of puts me in an awkward position.

When I do feel something or may feel a little something but not enough, I don't want to say the wrong thing because I have in the past and it's caused awkwardness. Sometimes things come up and I know I should feel but there's a great void and neutrality lurking beneath the surface. Or sometimes, the amount of sorry just doesn't come through. Though one thing is, we can't help how we feel. Some people are more emotive than others and our types can affect this in various ways. Some people may just show it differently than others.

 

[Coriolis]

It can depend. It doesn't make someone a bad person if they fail to feel when others expect them to. We all have different experiences that affect our capacity. Maybe you didn't have the best ones. Even if that is not the case, people can't fault you for your natural reactions in and of themselves. It can also be about how someone expresses it but sometimes, we just can't help it. We can't force ourselves to feel or not feel. It should be natural. I mean, I suppose it can be practiced but it's certainly not easy if we are accustomed to one pattern or another. I myself often feel sorry for people but there are moments when I don't. Or don't feel as much as I should. I have been accused of being too nonchalant or cold. It kind of puts me in an awkward position.

When I do feel something or may feel a little something but not enough, I don't want to say the wrong thing because I have in the past and it's caused awkwardness. Sometimes things come up and I know I should feel but there's a great void and neutrality lurking beneath the surface. Or sometimes, the amount of sorry just doesn't come through. Though one thing is, we can't help how we feel. Some people are more emotive than others and our types can affect this in various ways. Some people may just show it differently than others.

The OP here hasn't posted in quite some time, but this is still a worthwhile topic. The highlighted is key. I for one despise fake or simulated emotion, even in those superficial situations with strangers. All I expect then is common courtesy, which doesn't require much emotional investment at all. In interactions with people I know, I try at least to do no harm, meaning not to say anything insensitive, even if I am thinking it. It is far easier to hold my tongue entirely than to come up with something comforting to say. This old quote below sums up my thoughts on the matter.

That being said, I can certainly relate. I would ask someone "How are you" and they would respond with "Well the cancer kind of hurts today" or something and I would have to endure a grueling conversation that I am absolutely not equipped to deal with. Or when a family member is venting about being abused or bullied. It is in those situations, where people need emotional support and all they have is me that I feel the full weight of not being very developed in that area. Having to carefully think about every. word. and still screwing it up something fierce. Thinking "Should I, like, touch her or something? Would that help?" Generally having no idea how to proceed or how to figure out how to proceed is a miserable experience. I feel like a genuine idiot in those situations and usually resent the person for the entire conversation. So I guess I can actually see why some people would turn callous now that I think about it.

 

[Earl Grey]

Tbh, it's also part people not being courteous and them sliding up and dumping it on an unprepared person in which by god brother don't get mad at me if I don't know how to behave like a psychiatrist in your time of need, you're knocking up the wrong door. If someone is going to criticize me for being unable to show emotion, all I can do is wonder why they're expecting to buy apples in a fish market.

People clearly asking up front helps, and it would in turn help themselves as well. If they're expecting you to guess, that's entitlement and disrespect on their part.

 

[notmyapples]

That being said, I can certainly relate. I would ask someone "How are you" and they would respond with "Well the cancer kind of hurts today" or something and I would have to endure a grueling conversation that I am absolutely not equipped to deal with. Or when a family member is venting about being abused or bullied. It is in those situations, where people need emotional support and all they have is me that I feel the full weight of not being very developed in that area. Having to carefully think about every. word. and still screwing it up something fierce. Thinking "Should I, like, touch her or something? Would that help?" Generally having no idea how to proceed or how to figure out how to proceed is a miserable experience. I feel like a genuine idiot in those situations and usually resent the person for the entire conversation. So I guess I can actually see why some people would turn callous now that I think about it.

I relate to this as well. If someone needs to vent then I am a great person to come to but I feel uncomfortable when people desire emotional comfort from me. I'm someone who prefers to keep their intense emotions to themselves and work through them the same way so I don't know how to respond to people who easily open up to strangers about those things, aside from textbook phrases that only serve to make me feel like I'm not being genuine and definitely don't help anyone. Which is not to say that I don't feel the need to open up, but that is confined to people I feel very attached to. I may even get annoyed if someone has a tendency to vomit emotional negativity all over a room and ruin the mood for everybody else.

I just see it as kind of self-centered to push your feelings onto other people like that. If you are truly affected by something, nothing anyone else says or does is going to change that. And if you're not someone I feel attached to then chances are that I don't particularly care about whatever it is that has upset you. I used to feel guilty about feeling that way, but I don't think there is anything selfish about being selective of who you emotionally invest yourself in.

 

[Yuurei]

I am actually more capable empathy than sympathy.

I don’t really understand sympathy. When something unfortunate happens to me, I don’t like for people to coddle me and tell me how sorry they feel, or how brave and strong I am. That isn’t helpful for me in any way.

What I do like is for my friends to say “ I’m here if ya need! I’ll buy the first round.” ( metaphorically, I don’t drink my problems away)

If someone does start whining about shit I tag out to my husband who is much better at tolerating that sort of thing.

 

[Earl Grey]

I am actually more capable empathy than sympathy.

I don’t really understand sympathy. When something unfortunate happens to me, I don’t like for people to coddle me and tell me how sorry they feel, or how brave and strong I am. That isn’t helpful for me in any way.

What I do like is for my friends to say “ I’m here if ya need! I’ll buy the first round.” ( metaphorically, I don’t drink my problems away)

If someone does start whining about shit I tag out to my husband who is much better at tolerating that sort of thing.

Agreed, and interesting. Though above all those, I much prefer compassion.

 

[Obfuscate]

meh... i agree with the sentiment that how you feel about someone else's feelings is less impactful than how you treat them... if you care about them (on any particular level), it is sensible to do your best to keep them in good condition if it isn't absurdly detrimental to do so... i don't see why it matters if you are comforting someone because you care about their problems, or just them personally... sometimes i don't care about a person or their problem, but if it is simple to help i do so on principle... i don't think emotions (or their absence) make you an asshole... it is what you say and do that determines how others will percieve you...

 

[Oaky]

...I'm like "she was an old fart it was gonna happen " anybody relate??...

Ah... *thinking* I mean, there's tact to accommodate how someone feels, then there's the opposite, rudeness, to strike on a few nerves. What I quoted probably pertains to rudeness. It is often that rudeness probably displays the irritation you feel that someone is depending on your emotional support.

Then there's lack of rudeness and lack of tact, which could be described as some sort of emotional disconnection. An example reply of, "I have nothing to say about this" or "I don't know what to say". Most people would be fine with this reaction if they know you as a person.

 

[I Tonya]

I mean if they're nobody to you then yeah I guess it doesn't matter, but IF WE ARE CLOSE AND STILL GIVE ME THIS "I DON'T CARE" BS, YEAH ITS ANAL.

 

[badatlife]

I mean, if you don't know that person very well I think it would be normal. We don't get to pick what we have feelings towards. If an acquaintance I don't know well told me their relative died I would feel a bit awkward as well, it's not going to affect me that deeply. As long as you have some feelings some of the time

 

[Coriolis]

Then there's lack of rudeness and lack of tact, which could be described as some sort of emotional disconnection. An example reply of, "I have nothing to say about this" or "I don't know what to say". Most people would be fine with this reaction if they know you as a person.

This is close to my default response. I will probably say something like "that's too bad" unless I know the person well enough to be more specific. I never see any point in being rude, but cannot fake interest or concern. OK, I probably could, but it makes me feel like I need a shower.

I mean, if you don't know that person very well I think it would be normal. We don't get to pick what we have feelings towards. If an acquaintance I don't know well told me their relative died I would feel a bit awkward as well, it's not going to affect me that deeply. As long as you have some feelings some of the time

For me, it is driven by my own involvement. If there is something I can do about it, I will care more. I will feel involved, engaged, like it matters to me somehow even if that is simply on the level of offering help to a friend who is hurting. If I am not in a position to get involved in any way, I don't invest the energy in caring beyond simple courtesy.

 

[Maou]

My emotions are extremely dysfunctional. I cannot empathize with people unless I have been through it myself. If people are emotionally breaking down in front of me, I get PTSD and shut down. Since I have been through a lot, I can relate to a lot. I do not sympathize with others, but if people sympathize with me it allows me to open up with some of my trauma. Of all my emotions, my negative ones are very weak apart from anger. I think because I was just so used to dealing with them it became easy. Ironically, positive emotions in me are entirely loose fire hose levels of uncontrollable. Excitement, though rare for me is very obvious to others because my speech impediment becomes obvious. Awe, (Nature, architecture, inspiration) makes me cry for some reason. Etc.

So yeah if I seem like a sociopath, its because of my own trauma preventing me from thinking about anyone else in the moment they are despairing in front of me.