[ENTJ] ENTJ relationship advice

[GarrotTheThief]

Ask an ENTJ any questions about relationships. I'm starting this thread in case anyone has questions regarding dating an ENTJ or how to get an ENTJ's interest.

First, dating an ENTJ is difficult. They seek control of their environment and because of their intellectual orientation, as opposed to the ESTJ who also seeks control but is direct and usually can be taken at face value, is more fickle and prone to manipulation whether it be conscious or unconscious.

Disclaimer: Not all ENTJ's are the same but as long as we can generalize a personality trait we can also safely assume certain patterns may emerge which are also generalizable such as the relationships between the cognitive functions and potential manifestations. This advice is to be taken as a helpful third or fourth opinion and never to be the cornerstone of any decision or choice.

You'll notice that I speak more forcefully than I intend because I wish to keep this thread depersonalized in the sense that we will speak of the ENTJ in third person.

Thank you and I anticipate your questions.

 

[Hetaira]

Clueless INFP (51) here. ENTJ (57) starts chatting me up by text several months ago (found me by mutual friends) Both of us have history of one marriage (22-23) yrs. and both been divrced over 8. So we go out and he wants to move really fast sexually. I state my boundaries pretty clear- i don't have sex out of committed relationships. So I walk out the door to get my oil changed and tires rotated. He apologizes and we try to resume friendship. Eventually I give in under the pretense I can try this lovers thing out. Not sure if I can do it, but am willing to try. 2 weeks pass and I have fallen for the man. I back off and tell him I can't do it anymore because I feel like crap. I have fallen for him and am not willing to share. He gets all butt hurt and said I was the only one he was with. Hm. Then I try to explain INFP's sometimes go in hiding to sort through their feelings to no avail. Basically I got a "have a good life" text.

I gave him clear boundaries. I am clueless why he is all damn butt hurt. Basically I feel like a slut now. Good lesson learned for me. Stick to my standards no matter what.

I really liked him.. And felt very cared for by him. He texted me 2-3x per day every day just to check on me.

What the hell did I miss??

 

[Thursday]

Clueless INFP (51) here. ENTJ (57) starts chatting me up by text several months ago (found me by mutual friends) Both of us have history of one marriage (22-23) yrs. and both been divrced over 8. So we go out and he wants to move really fast sexually. I state my boundaries pretty clear- i don't have sex out of committed relationships. So I walk out the door to get my oil changed and tires rotated. He apologizes and we try to resume friendship. Eventually I give in under the pretense I can try this lovers thing out. Not sure if I can do it, but am willing to try. 2 weeks pass and I have fallen for the man. I back off and tell him I can't do it anymore because I feel like crap. I have fallen for him and am not willing to share. He gets all butt hurt and said I was the only one he was with. Hm. Then I try to explain INFP's sometimes go in hiding to sort through their feelings to no avail. Basically I got a "have a good life" text.

I gave him clear boundaries. I am clueless why he is all damn butt hurt. Basically I feel like a slut now. Good lesson learned for me. Stick to my standards no matter what.

I really liked him.. And felt very cared for by him. He texted me 2-3x per day every day just to check on me.

What the hell did I miss??

I think it's because you:
1. Said you'd try it and did for 2 weeks
2. Told him your feelings for him and he obviously felt a similar way because he approached you.
3. You did not give him clear boundaries because despite you "not having sex out of committed relationships" you did for 2 weeks and then flipped again to "I don't want to be with you"

He checked on you and cared for you and your reaction wasn't "lets have an honest talk on both sides about a committed relationship because the current phrasing isn't working for you," but was "this isn't working." In turn, his reaction was a reciprocating reaction of "this isn't working" aka "have a good life."

If you had asked him to rework the terms of your relationship to a exclusive relationship in both title and deed, you'd probably get a better reaction from him. But for anyone who moves fast, I've noticed they don't want to get to know the other person, they only want to fuck the other person.

 

[Hetaira]

I think it's because you:
1. Said you'd try it and did for 2 weeks
2. Told him your feelings for him and he obviously felt a similar way because he approached you.
3. You did not give him clear boundaries because despite you "not having sex out of committed relationships" you did for 2 weeks and then flipped again to "I don't want to be with you"

He checked on you and cared for you and your reaction wasn't "lets have an honest talk on both sides about a committed relationship because the current phrasing isn't working for you," but was "this isn't working." In turn, his reaction was a reciprocating reaction of "this isn't working" aka "have a good life."

If you had asked him to rework the terms of your relationship to a exclusive relationship in both title and deed, you'd probably get a better reaction from him. But for anyone who moves fast, I've noticed they don't want to get to know the other person, they only want to fuck the other person.

Well...moving forward. He got back in touch with me after 2 weeks and asked to see me and was fine with no sex. So we spent about 3 more weeks together without sex. One day he asked me what I wanted. He also told me he had not been with anyone since he had met me and didn't want to be. I said I did miss sex with him (it was fabulous) but could not or would not share. He said he understood and would let me down gently if if he felt it would not work between us and that he would not be with anyone else. So...we are back seeing each other again but in more of a "exclusive" sexual relationship. We are both pretty busy people. He and myself are both highly respected in the community. He did tell me he was very picky, as I am as well, and don't just "sleep around." He checks on me quite a bit and is opening up more about his family, parents, kids, struggles with his job, etc. I am opening up more as well.

I find we are both very private people and don't share our personal lives with everyone.

He said he understood my position completely.

He did tell me it really hurt him when I cut him out of my life. I apologized for my reaction and will try to ask for what I want and need.

He is unlike any man I have ever known. Very reserved, and very busy. Works a full time job, officiates 2-3 nights per week for football, helps both his parents financially and keeps his grandson for his son. He is also helping his brother and wife (brother has cancer). I am amazed and awed at the many hats he wears but somehow still finds time to check on me and see me during the week.

I really do not want to mess this up. He has my utmost respect and admiration.

Your thoughts? suggestions?

 

[violet_crown]

Clueless INFP (51) here. ENTJ (57) starts chatting me up by text several months ago (found me by mutual friends) Both of us have history of one marriage (22-23) yrs. and both been divrced over 8. So we go out and he wants to move really fast sexually. I state my boundaries pretty clear- i don't have sex out of committed relationships. So I walk out the door to get my oil changed and tires rotated. He apologizes and we try to resume friendship. Eventually I give in under the pretense I can try this lovers thing out. Not sure if I can do it, but am willing to try. 2 weeks pass and I have fallen for the man. I back off and tell him I can't do it anymore because I feel like crap. I have fallen for him and am not willing to share. He gets all butt hurt and said I was the only one he was with. Hm. Then I try to explain INFP's sometimes go in hiding to sort through their feelings to no avail. Basically I got a "have a good life" text.

I gave him clear boundaries. I am clueless why he is all damn butt hurt. Basically I feel like a slut now. Good lesson learned for me. Stick to my standards no matter what.

I really liked him.. And felt very cared for by him. He texted me 2-3x per day every day just to check on me.

What the hell did I miss??

From the sounds of it, you weren't ready to become intimate when you did, and there was possibly some lingering resentment when you did so against your own better judgement.

My experience with INFPs is that we don't always know how to meet their emotional needs, because there's some implicit assumption that if we really cared, we'd know what they wanted without have to ask for it. Or that's been my experience at least. Generally speaking, we need someone who's comfortable communicating their needs and don't expect us to be mind readers. We're not. We don't want to be. We'll try to understand, but we're not interested in babysitting our partners.

If you had said no initially to having sex with this man, then eventually said yes after spending time together. I don't know how he was supposed to gather that you still weren't ready. Unless there's missing information here and he applied undue pressure between "He apologizes and we try to resume friendship." and "Eventually I give in under the pretense I can try this lovers thing out. Not sure if I can do it, but am willing to try.", then it doesn't sound like he's in the wrong here. You not being ready to be intimate didn't mean that he should stop wanting to sleep with you. It DEFINITELY meant that he should respect your boundaries, but if he thought you were attractive then he was going to continue to desire you. As long as he wasn't doing anything coercive as a result of that, then I'm not clear on what he did wrong.

Also, why did you jump to the conclusion that he was hooking up with other people?

 

[Thursday]

I really do not want to mess this up. He has my utmost respect and admiration.

Your thoughts? suggestions?

1. Instead of displaying indecision, supply a "let me think about it" so that your tossing and turning won't be viewed and he'll only receive the result. We hate that with a seething passion.

2. Because he has no qualms being the initiator, reward his initiative with some of your own. Reciprocate his masculinity with your own brand of femininity. Accept him and love him and give him the psychological incentive to keep it up. He'll feel more capable in his other wearing of hats just because of you. You're already doing something right, so keep it up. You're both picky and you both picked each other.

3. Honesty is important. I would phrase things in "I like this" and "I don't like this."

Congratulations on the grand push and pull of love.

 

[Hetaira]

From the sounds of it, you weren't ready to become intimate when you did, and there was possibly some lingering resentment when you did so against your own better judgement.

My experience with INFPs is that we don't always know how to meet their emotional needs, because there's some implicit assumption that if we really cared, we'd know what they wanted without have to ask for it. Or that's been my experience at least. Generally speaking, we need someone who's comfortable communicating their needs and don't expect us to be mind readers. We're not. We don't want to be. We'll try to understand, but we're not interested in babysitting our partners.

If you had said no initially to having sex with this man, then eventually said yes after spending time together. I don't know how he was supposed to gather that you still weren't ready. Unless there's missing information here and he applied undue pressure between "He apologizes and we try to resume friendship." and "Eventually I give in under the pretense I can try this lovers thing out. Not sure if I can do it, but am willing to try.", then it doesn't sound like he's in the wrong here. You not being ready to be intimate didn't mean that he should stop wanting to sleep with you. It DEFINITELY meant that he should respect your boundaries, but if he thought you were attractive then he was going to continue to desire you. As long as he wasn't doing anything coercive as a result of that, then I'm not clear on what he did wrong.

Also, why did you jump to the conclusion that he was hooking up with other people?

Bingo on the INFP part. Wow!

I didn't know if he was hooking up with other people...I just assumed. And was gravely wrong.

I have started becoming more assertive (and it is TOUGH!!) and he seems totally okay with it.

Just a straight "Hey babe, I miss you." He seems to like it.

I will keep going. Great learning experience for an INFP to be that direct. Really tough for us!

 

[Hetaira]

1. Instead of displaying indecision, supply a "let me think about it" so that your tossing and turning won't be viewed and he'll only receive the result. We hate that with a seething passion.

2. Because he has no qualms being the initiator, reward his initiative with some of your own. Reciprocate his masculinity with your own brand of femininity. Accept him and love him and give him the psychological incentive to keep it up. He'll feel more capable in his other wearing of hats just because of you. You're already doing something right, so keep it up. You're both picky and you both picked each other.

3. Honesty is important. I would phrase things in "I like this" and "I don't like this."

Congratulations on the grand push and pull of love.

I appreciate your input. You are right on in all your answers.

He doesn't seem to respond in any way to my praise for him, but he does seem to keep coming back for more, I have noticed.

Yes...I do love him. I realized that the few weeks he was gone. I have NEVER missed any man as much as I missed him.

He is painfully shy at times around me. Painfully. I can sense it with the FiNe and understand without him having to say a word.

Will continue to just love and accept him for the wonderful man he is!

 

[violet_crown]

Bingo on the INFP part. Wow!

I didn't know if he was hooking up with other people...I just assumed. And was gravely wrong.

I have started becoming more assertive (and it is TOUGH!!) and he seems totally okay with it.

Just a straight "Hey babe, I miss you." He seems to like it.

I will keep going. Great learning experience for an INFP to be that direct. Really tough for us!

I think that's totally fair. I think, especially for women, we're taught often that being that direct can come off badly. You'll always be doing your SO a favor if you can be plain with him lol.

As for the other, I can see how you might have thought that perhaps if he moved so quickly with you, it might just be how he is with everyone. My experience is that ENTJs are actually pretty particular about who we seek out for intimacy. A lot of us are kind of wild when we're younger, but eventually find no strings to be limited reward, relative to the potential hazards.

When we do find someone who interest, though, we go all in. We're very direct. We want them entirely and immediately, and generally don't go elsewhere once we've bonded with someone. Opening up and investing in someone is uncomfortable and troublesome for us, so it's only really worthwhile if the person is someone who is genuinely compelling to us.

It sounds like he's into you. Just be direct and assume positive intent unless given reason to do otherwise, I guess.