[INTJ] Is he going to ignore me?

[Coriolis]

I always read that INTJS are very direct and that it's easy for them to respond honestly to a question. With him, it is but only for certain situations, seems like whenever it comes to his feelings for me, he won't answer me directly, or just will avoid answering at all. I don't get why it's so hard to just tell someone like it is and be done with it.

It is easy for us to respond directly to many sorts of questions on many topics. Relationships and matters of the heart are not among these. I and others have already described the kind of soul-searching and second-guessing we often go through when confronted with such a question. When he finally does answer, however, it is likely to be very direct, and you will know exactly where you stand.

 

[prplchknz]

Meh ok. Obviously there are other fish in the sea , and I can find someone just as "good"(whatever that means) but there are some people you meet that you have a connection with, that you don't have with others. I meet men all the time, some are just as attractive or MORE attractive than the INTJ, but do they have the same connection with me, do I feel the same chemistry? No. And is there as much feeling there? No. I'll be completely honest here, I'm 27, in my 27 years I've only met 5 men that I've been sexually attracted to. One includes the INTJ. I can be attracted to a man, and like a man without having any sexual urges. I can like a man a lot and not feel any chemistry that would make us good together in a relationship on the same hand I can be very attracted to a man and just not feel any romantic feelings and so he becomes a friend. When I meet a man, that I am attracted to, have a connection with, that I want to have sex with, that I have a friendship with, etc I want to build on that... That just so happens to be the INTJ. That's not to say that there won't be other men like that, that I'll meet down the road. But it's easy to just meet anybody, even people that are attractive but have little in common with me, or that don't share the same connection with me. I'm not looking for just anyone though, especially not to have a relationship with. If I was interested in casual sex and was sexually attracted to more men, then yes I suppose "anybody" attractive or just as "good" would do. But that's not the case. But if you didn't read the thread entirely, why respond?

To me it's simple too. A yes or no, should be easy to spit out, but as I'm reading on here, it isn't always the case... I don't get it either. But it's a bit insulting to just discount the fact that I have deep feelings for him, so no at this point trying to find someone just as good is not really good advice. Coming from infp and all. Which btw I'm an enfp but I've also scored infp before as well.

that's not why i'm discounting. also I don't know you. and you did admit to stringing him along so yeah i think his reaction is deserved.

 

[johnnyyukon]

It's odd that he hasn't said something with such a direct question. But I'm not him, so maybe he's truly thinking about it. Me, if I didn't have a yes or no answer, I'd at least say what I was feeling, and in your case, it probably wouldn't be pretty. But I'm a dick, and this guy kinda sounds nice.

But I like the crucifixion analogy, haha. It's like, you can come down anytime you want, but it's just a matter of how long you wanna drag this out.

 

[rayna]

It's odd that he hasn't said something with such a direct question. But I'm not him, so maybe he's truly thinking about it. Me, if I didn't have a yes or no answer, I'd at least say what I was feeling, and in your case, it probably wouldn't be pretty. But I'm a dick, and this guy kinda sounds nice.

But I like the crucifixion analogy, haha. It's like, you can come down anytime you want, but it's just a matter of how long you wanna drag this out.

How does he sound nice?

And maybe ENTPS and INTJS are different. IDK, he may be afraid to hurt my feelings, whereas you don't sound like you have an issue doing that if a girl pissed you off.

And yeah, true, I can come down anytime I want, it's difficult when you have deep feelz for someone though.

 

[johnnyyukon]

How does he sound nice?

And maybe ENTPS and INTJS are different. IDK, he may be afraid to hurt my feelings, whereas you don't sound like you have an issue doing that if a girl pissed you off.

And yeah, true, I can come down anytime I want, it's difficult when you have deep feelz for someone though.

Yeah, feelz. I know, right?

Um, I dunno, I guess I picked it up somewhere, or made it up. Is he not nice?

 

[rayna]

Yeah, feelz. I know, right?

Um, I dunno, I guess I picked it up somewhere, or made it up. Is he not nice?

He's nice to a degree I guess. He just may not be as mean as you lol.

 

[Chthonic]

but do they have the same connection with me, do I feel the same chemistry?

What chemistry are we talking about here? Because it just sounds like all forms of crazy, mostly stemming from you. If there was a real connection there I don't think you'd have played games and put him through the wringer like you did. Is it just because he rejected you? Maybe that's an unusual thing for you and why you now regret the loss of the connection. The other thing is the magnetic pull of INTJ/ENFP which incidentally doesn't end up in a happy place a lot of the time. It's just the interplay of your functions. My mother is an ENFP and we hate each other, like passionately hate.

To me it's simple too. A yes or no, should be easy to spit out, but as I'm reading on here, it isn't always the case... I don't get it either. But it's a bit insulting to just discount the fact that I have deep feelings for him, so no at this point trying to find someone just as good is not really good advice.

Oh. So you played all kinds of love you\hate you games and now are wanting a simple, truthful direct answer from him? Is it just me who sees the hypocrisy in that? Maybe the point isn't that you should find someone else but accept the fact this particular connection maybe dead and you'll need to move on regardless. The next time a potential connection comes along you could be authentic and just have a proper relationship with that person instead of needing to enact some kind of shakespearean comedy.

 

[Chthonic]

He may be afraid to hurt my feelings, whereas you don't sound like you have an issue doing that if a girl pissed you off.

And yeah, true, I can come down anytime I want, it's difficult when you have deep feelz for someone though.

Or maybe he is serving you the bitter cup of life by simply not replying and giving you the closure you want. It can be spun anyway you like.

 

[Grand Admiral Crunch]

Meh ok. Obviously there are other fish in the sea , and I can find someone just as "good"(whatever that means) but there are some people you meet that you have a connection with, that you don't have with others. I meet men all the time, some are just as attractive or MORE attractive than the INTJ, but do they have the same connection with me, do I feel the same chemistry? No. And is there as much feeling there? No. I'll be completely honest here, I'm 27, in my 27 years I've only met 5 men that I've been sexually attracted to. One includes the INTJ. I can be attracted to a man, and like a man without having any sexual urges. I can like a man a lot and not feel any chemistry that would make us good together in a relationship on the same hand I can be very attracted to a man and just not feel any romantic feelings and so he becomes a friend. When I meet a man, that I am attracted to, have a connection with, that I want to have sex with, that I have a friendship with, etc I want to build on that... That just so happens to be the INTJ. That's not to say that there won't be other men like that, that I'll meet down the road. But it's easy to just meet anybody, even people that are attractive but have little in common with me, or that don't share the same connection with me. I'm not looking for just anyone though, especially not to have a relationship with. If I was interested in casual sex and was sexually attracted to more men, then yes I suppose "anybody" attractive or just as "good" would do. But that's not the case. But if you didn't read the thread entirely, why respond?

To me it's simple too. A yes or no, should be easy to spit out, but as I'm reading on here, it isn't always the case... I don't get it either. But it's a bit insulting to just discount the fact that I have deep feelings for him, so no at this point trying to find someone just as good is not really good advice.

So you'll finally give up after this? Just get a bunch of cats and be a cat lady at the ripe old age of 27?

 

[prplchknz]

So you'll finally give up after this? Just get a bunch of cats and be a cat lady at the ripe old age of 27?

I like cats, though I had two cats and in my head one was evil and the other other was good. so I thought the evil one attracted evil spirits. not evil evil but every now and then i'd feel suspicious like it was being sinister

 

[rayna]

What chemistry are we talking about here? Because it just sounds like all forms of crazy, mostly stemming from you. If there was a real connection there I don't think you'd have played games and put him through the wringer like you did. Is it just because he rejected you? Maybe that's an unusual thing for you and why you now regret the loss of the connection. The other thing is the magnetic pull of INTJ/ENFP which incidentally doesn't end up in a happy place a lot of the time. It's just the interplay of your functions. My mother is an ENFP and we hate each other, like passionately hate.



Oh. So you played all kinds of love you\hate you games and now are wanting a simple, truthful direct answer from him? Is it just me who sees the hypocrisy in that? Maybe the point isn't that you should find someone else but accept the fact this particular connection maybe dead and you'll need to move on regardless. The next time a potential connection comes along you could be authentic and just have a proper relationship with that person instead of needing to enact some kind of shakespearean comedy.

We had a connection. And I already said why I pushed him away. And no I have never been rejected, so I suppose this situation is unusual for me. But it has nothing to do with why I have feelings for him.

I didn't play games intentionally. And yes I would like a yes or no response. Heck I have an ex who put me through a wringer and when he asked me if I wanted to get back with him, I said no. I said I did not feel that way about him. I suppose I could have felt amusement at the tables being turned or been really cold or left him hanging but I answered honestly, and also tried to be delicate when I rejected him. In fact whenever I've rejected anyone I've been direct and delicate when I could be.

So I suppose I was seeing things from my perspective, and not seeing the point of being overly vengeful toward someone. If he isn't interested then say so if he is then say so...

And im sorry you hate your mom. Maybe the intj doesn't feel the same pull. Oan though he did tell me on many ocassions that he does not want to date a girl like him. He likes girls that are different from him and he did tell me that he liked me(though that was back in August) so I'm assuming that he doesn't hate me or that I didn't fake a chemistry.

He may never respond. If he doesn't by the end of the month I will move on and chalk it up as a lesson learned.

 

[rayna]

So you'll finally give up after this? Just get a bunch of cats and be a cat lady at the ripe old age of 27?

No, I didn't say that. I believe that when one door shuts another opens. There will be someone else if not the intj. I just want it to be him, but if it's not, I will shut the door and open it to someone else once I've had time to get over him. But being that I have deep feelings for him, it's not as easy to just walk away without knowing whether or not it's done...

 

[rayna]

Or maybe he is serving you the bitter cup of life by simply not replying and giving you the closure you want. It can be spun anyway you like.

True. If he never responds I think it would be for that reason, or because he didn't know how to tell me he wasn't interested, or he may not care enough to respond. All are realities.

 

[Galena]

I think that between getting over him and welcoming in someone else, some time off from relationships with others to introspect about your relationship with intimacy itself is necessary. Becoming more confident and direct in relationships isn't just a matter of realizing one's current ways aren't right and not engaging in them again, but a long and deep self-discovery and healing process - and if he says yes here, he will be in on that struggle with you. If he's taking a while to consider his answer, I'd guess that he's deciding carefully if he wants to be a part of it - to continue to be a part of it after all that's already transpired. Saying yes will be the beginning, not closure.

I believe that if one has attachment issues - like the hot and cold, etc - and they know they have those issues, it is wrong to start a romantic relationship until some good progress has been made on those issues. I imagine wanting to give the best of you to the one you care about, even if it takes time to access and grow into that best.

 

[johnnyyukon]

He's nice to a degree I guess. He just may not be as mean as you lol.

I'm as sweet as apple pie

He may never respond. If he doesn't by the end of the month I will move on and chalk it up as a lesson learned.

End of the month?? Daayyum. Have fun with that!



My brother is an INTJ and also a dick. But kind of an aloof cold, passive-aggressive dick. Not the proper kind of asshole like me, and all the ENTPs (and other types) I know IRL that will say it straight to your face.

Remember, apple pie

 

[rayna]

I think that between getting over him and welcoming in someone else, some time off from relationships with others to introspect about your relationship with intimacy itself is necessary. Becoming more confident and direct in relationships isn't just a matter of realizing one's current ways aren't right and not engaging in them again, but a long and deep self-discovery and healing process - and if he says yes here, he will be in on that struggle with you. If he's taking a while to consider his answer, I'd guess that he's deciding carefully if he wants to be a part of it - to continue to be a part of it after all that's already transpired. Saying yes will be the beginning, not closure.

I believe that if one has attachment issues - like the hot and cold, etc - and they know they have those issues, it is wrong to start a romantic relationship until some good progress has been made on those issues. I imagine wanting to give the best of you to the one you care about, even if it takes time to access and grow into that best.

I don't have attachment issues. I've dated other people and did not have that issue. Like I said, at the time I met him, I had just lost my mom, and I had gotten out of an abusive relationship. The INTJ was too intense for me, and I felt like I needed space, and that it wouldn't be right to get too invested when I was grieving. I pushed him away, not because I am normally hot and cold, but because at that time period, I felt too vulnerable and not ready.

That being said, I'm okay with him telling me "no". I've already said that. I will understand it. I know that I didn't treat him right and that I've been dishonest and off and on with him. I'm willing to accept the consequences of that, and I don't see myself treating another person that way--not simply because of how this situation ended, but because under normal circumstances I don't treat people that way to begin with.

OAN, I obviously wasn't going to just jump from one relationship to another--though I admit that every year that has always been one or two special guys LMAO, but I will definitely take some time apart after this. I've already sort of assessed this situation, in its entirety, so it's not for self-discovery purposes, but more like a part of moving on, is being able to completely shut the door, or your feelings from someone else, so that you can give your heart to the next person, without being jaded or still having feelz for someone else. I would wait until I didn't have the same intense feelz for him, and sort of do my own thing for a while, prior to trying to date someone else.

Truthfully I loathe liking people. I do so much better when I don't. I'm typically more logical, and more certain of things. When I like someone it's a complete mindf**** and I can't wait until I move on from this situation and can stop acting so stupid. Like I said, I'm pretty embarrassed about sending him that letter to begin with. I reread it a little while ago, and thankfully it wasn't as mushy or as pathetic as I thought, but was slightly vomit-inducing, lol. Yah well.

I honestly don't even expect him to say yes at this point, but I'm now wanting to see if he's going to man up and tell me no, or if he's going to just avoid it. Me thinks the latter.

 

[rayna]

I'm as sweet as apple pie

End of the month?? Daayyum. Have fun with that!



My brother is an INTJ and also a dick. But kind of an aloof cold, passive-aggressive dick. Not the proper kind of asshole like me, and all the ENTPs (and other types) I know IRL that will say it straight to your face.

Remember, apple pie

End of the month, is like 2.5 weeks away. It's not that long. And the next couple of weeks are going to be super busy. LMAO, but thanks Johnny adding to my feelings of patheticness. Yeah this INTJ isn't necessarily passive aggressive, but he's careful about words. I will say that. There were only a few times where he really went off on me and told me how it was, and it was always when I tried to make an assumption or judgement about his character, he doesn't like being attacked, that's for sure. Other than that, he rarely will say verbally when he is bothered, or what he really thinks about something(to me that is) but he'll "do" things to let me know he's bothered--the silent treatment, is his favorite thing to do, when he's upset with me, matter of fact. So maybe he is passive aggressive lmao. But he won't speak up unless he's cornered and feels like he has to. Oh well. I've actually told him plenty of times, I would appreciate it, if he would just be as direct and honest as possible even if it was mean.

Oan, you remind me of an ex of mine, who had no problems verbalizing how he felt to anyones face. It turned me off, but nowadays I would appreciate that. I hate passive aggressiveness. Because eventually that passive aggressiveness turns into a bomb, and they will go off, it's almost scary when they do. People who are always real about things, might come off as a-holes, but at least they aren't scary, since it's not rare.

 

[Grand Admiral Crunch]

I'm 27, in my 27 years I've only met 5 men that I've been sexually attracted to. One includes the INTJ. I can be attracted to a man, and like a man without having any sexual urges.

OAN, I obviously wasn't going to just jump from one relationship to another--though I admit that every year that has always been one or two special guys LMAO

 

[rayna]

Every year since I broke up with my ex, there has been 1 or 2 guys that I've dated for longer than 2 months. Doesn't mean I was sexually attracted to every guy I dated. As I said earlier in the thread, the intj was the second guy I was intimate with. I've dated men that I was not sexually attracted to, and I did not have sex with them. I was sexually attracted to my ex, one other guy I dated, another guy I crushed on while with my ex, and finally the intj.

I broke up with my ex, out of an 8 year ltr, 2.5 years ago, so honestly I have only dated about 4 or 5 guys, but the intj, and my ex were the only ones I had sex with.

I have no plans on dating anyone else for the remainder of 2014, if things don't work out with the intj.

 

[small.wonder]

[MENTION=22970]rayna[/MENTION] Can I just say (as I've been reading along) how impressed I am at your (seemingly) calm responses to a good amount of criticism on this thread, and also having to repeat yourself constantly! The latter would drive me nuts, I've even gotten a little exasperated when a post here has caused you to rehash details reflected earlier in the thread.

A word of caution: whatever you do or don't do, never take to heart completely the advice of everyone (not that you technically could). This is about you and him, and you know the history of that much better than you've even described to us here.