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[INTJ] Is he going to ignore me?

rayna

New member
Joined
Sep 27, 2014
Messages
63
MBTI Type
ENFP
I've been in a weird hot and cold situation with an INTJ for almost a year now. I'm an ENFP. We met through work. In the beginning he was very intense, there was never a doubt in my mind that he liked me, but his intensity was overwhelming and unfortunately I pushed him away a ton. Once he started to distance himself, months down the road, is around the time that I realized I really liked him, so now I was "hot" and he was lukewarm. Because of his lukewarm demeanor, I assumed he no longer liked me, and eventually cut contact with him temporarily(about 2.5 months). I didn't do it without letting him know why I was--and he did at first try to stop it, i.e. doing surprise pop-up visits to my department to see me, texting me cryptic messages about how much he accepted me, etc. But eventually he got the clue and we ceased contact. I reached back out to him, months down the road, when I felt "over" him, in the attempt to be his friend. But when we resumed talking, he acted as if there had never been that time away from each other, and as if we had still liked each other. It was bizarre. He was "hot" again too, he told me that he liked me(where earlier in the year he was unable to verbalize it), and even asked me to exclusively date him(as in be his gf) where as earlier that year when I had brought that up, he seemed to need "time" to think about it, so I had dropped it. In other words, it was like he liked more, now that time had passed. In any case, I was skeptical and did not know he was an INTJ, so I didn't take it seriously. I pushed him away, and tried to keep things friendly. And eventually--after he was very persistant(asking me to hang out constantly, texting me a lot, letting me know how much he wanted me etc) just like before, he gave up because I kept declining him. And since then, there has been that lukewarm demeanor again, and ironically it happened around the time where I realized that I felt deeply for him again.

What makes things more complicated, is that despite his lukewarm demeanor, and me feeling as if he no longer cares about me, there have been some new changes to our relationship. First, the entire time we have known each other, I always felt like he was asexual--as in he never seemed sexually into me, but when we resumed talking back in April, he started to make comments about my body(sexual ones) and I had started to have sexual discussions with him. I let him know that it had bothered me, that he never kissed me, etc. He told me that it was more complicated than that, but didn't elaborate. He is not a ONS, or FWB guy, but has had them before in his college days. In any case I asked him if we consider being my sex buddy, because I have not had sex in two years and I liked him(I've only been with one other guy). He agreed. But despite agreeing to it, it took a while, for it to actually happen--I had to keep getting on him about it. And then one night we finally hooked up--it was around that very night, that we also kissed for the first time, cuddled, etc, he even talked about feelings, and tried to get me to confess how much I felt for him(I did not). That was back in August. Unfortunately after that time, despite how much I felt, because I still did not know how he felt, I approached the relationship(or whatever it was) as if it were only about sex, and approached him in that way, and he did not appreciate it and let me know. He stopped talking to me, and gave me the silent treatment, until I apologized and then told him that my feelings were deeper than what I had let on(I did this by text). He responded by inviting me to a concert that week, as his date, and seemed very excited about having me go. However at the last minute, things happened, and I had to cancel. Unfortunately in the past I've been known to be flakey with him, canceling a lot, or declining invitations, and the nature of our relationship has always been distant(for instance I don't contact him on the weekends, or see him on the weekends, and he knows this and has made jokes about it, but I could tell it bothers him) so me flaking out this time, seemed to be the straw that broke the camels back.

Since then, he has been very very distant. Where, since this summer(when he stopped being hot after I pushed him away) he has not been as responsive to my texting and to my attempts to hang out, he has still at certain points made an effort to text me, to see me, etc, even if it meant me having to constantly bug him about it. And when we see each other, despite how desperate I felt, he was always kind, and seemed very happy to see me, and spend time with me, despite a few minor things... In any case, since the concert that I flaked on, he has become extremely distant, to the point where he doesn't even respond to my texts, or my declarations of feelings(I don't think he believes it to be genuine anymore) or any attempts to hang out. It got to the point, where two weeks ago, I finally confronted him and asked him if he would like me to stop contacting him, I said I noticed that he did not respond to any texts I had sent him over the last couple of weeks, or my attempts to hang out, or my revelation of how I felt for him, and that I appreciate directness and that if he would like to no longer talk than to let me know. He did not respond at first, but finally the next morning he sent me a message that said "No I don't want you to leave me alone". I said "ok... But if you do ever want space, then let me know, I respect boundaries". He did not respond. A few days later, he invited me over. When I came over, things seemed fine--he asked me what I had been doing the last few weekends(with a smile on his face, because again we don't communicate or see each other over the weekends) and when I tried to answer, he listened at first but then didn't. It felt almost like a test. There were other things that happened that felt that way too. In any case, while watching a movie, he became very physically affectionate, laying on me, and cuddling and then we eventually did stuff. Afterwards, he seemed sleepy(he was falling asleep) so I asked him if he would like to go to sleep, so that I could leave. And he shook his head no. But he looked so sleepy. I kept asking him and he kept shaking his head. At one point, he mumbled under his breath, "If you want, you can spend the night." but I thought he was just trying to be polite. In any case, I eventually told him I was going to let him go to sleep and that I was going home. He seemed surprised and said "Oh your going home?"

And I said, "Yes." And he walked me out to the door, and told me to call him the next day. After that situation, I texted him and we talked casually the next day and, then the day after that day, we talked again and things were good--we talked about a show we both liked. But then I didn't contact him for about 4 days, and when I did reach out finally it was very obvious he was ignoring me. This time, as opposed to confronting him about it and asking for an explanation, I said "f*** it" and decided that it was time to come clean and be honest. I know that at this point, I have kept him at a distance, played a lot of games, made things seem like they were just about sex, and been sporadic with my communication and in the times we've hung out, I've downplayed my feelings for him everytime he's confronted me in person, and in texts I'll send him cutesy love messages, but I don't believe he takes them seriously since I don't do things "action-wise" to support the texts. He even told me one time, that all I do is talk.

This time, I decided to be honest. I wrote him a 4 page email, that addressed everything... I was completely honest, authentic, about everything, about why I did what I did, my feelings for him, what I wanted from him(since I had never been clear with that, no matter how many times he gave me space to tell him what I wanted) and a host of other things. In the end of the letter I let him know that I could not continue with things as they are. And that I wanted him to be my boyfriend(that's what I wanted), but that if it wasn't what he wanted, I understood, but that I would move on. I told him that because I know it's a lot to take in, that I wanted him to take his time, and let me know only once he's had time to think about it and come to a decision. I said a few weeks is fine, if that's what he needs, but to please not leave me hanging for over a month, without any insight on to his thoughts. I sent it to the email on his linkedin account. And texted him to let him know that I sent the email to him. He did not respond to my text, but I know he saw it. That was last week when I sent him the email. Since then, he has not responded. I told myself that I did tell him, to take his time before responding... But I logged in to facebook today, and saw that he had updated his picture a few days ago, and was liking other peoples statuses, and that he is going to some get together this weekend, and it made me feel bad... Like he doesn't care at all about what I wrote(which was actually straight from the heart this time and extremely honest about everything). I feel stupid and embarrassed for revealing my feelings for him finally and being so honest, only to have him ignore me, and go about his life. I don't know if he's read the email, what he thinks, etc.

I'm wondering now if he's just going to ignore me forever... What should I do? Just continue to give him space, or can I assume that he's done with me? The only reason I have not done the latter, is that two weeks ago, he had told me that he didn't want me to leave him alone, so obviously there's a part of him that has not shut me out, but why ignore my email then? He had revealed to me, before the first time we had sex, that I didn't fight for him(in regards to when he was acting lukewarm earlier in the year and I decided to stop talking to him). Is that what he wants? The email for me is fighting for him--I'm just not sure anymore.
 

Mademoiselle

noʎ ɟo ǝʇnɔ ʍoH
Joined
Sep 14, 2014
Messages
880
MBTI Type
-NTJ
Enneagram
5w4
First thing is to think about how you feel towards him.
Before knowing how he feels..
Be honest and take your time to think about it.
If you don’t love him 100%, know that he’s not the only man in the world.
But if you love him 100%, then know that a man like him might never come again to your life.

Then, think about the best way to show him how you feel.
As an INTJ, I had waited almost a year to hear my crush admit he loves me. verbally.
I knew he wasn’t being proud not to say it, he was afraid to rejection.
But I can’t react to what he doesn’t express, no matter how well I could read brains.
Once he said it, I let him know I’ve always loved him.
So I hope -if you love him- it’s just the same situation over there.

Also it’s good to know why exactly do you want from him/a bf:
-Emotions, feelings, love..
-financial, material ..
-to settle down..
or..?

After that decide if he fits or not.

General tips I’d like you to know If I were him:
Try to let him read you.
Try to balance the situations + keep your head up:
Remind him he needs you.
Remind him he loves you.
Never ignore him for a long time.
Never let him leave angrily.
Once he forgot himself and made a mistake,
Make him apologise, but once he did, forgive him.
Let him be your #1 person in your life, don’t make hims victim to your BFFs..
Always be on his side against anyone else, he’s simply not anyone else.
Nothing worthies to ruin your relationship for, so make sure you keep it.

Answer these questions and we’ll go to the next step. C:
 

rayna

New member
Joined
Sep 27, 2014
Messages
63
MBTI Type
ENFP
It's too late... I already sent him the email last week. I'll post a snippet of what I've said:

"And I deeply care for you. I want you and I want to connect with you physically, emotionally, sexually, mentally. I accept you for who you are—your quirks and all--in fact I like them. I like that you’re comfortable with me. I want you to be. I want you to be happy. I like when you tell me about your plans, about your ambitions, and your dreams. I worry about you at times too… I secretly want to know the things you like, the things you dislike. So that I can learn more about your hobbies. I respect what you say, and respect your opinion. I want to get to know the important people in your life. I want to be there for you if you need me to be… I want to be in your life… I want to be with you. Basically I want you to be my boyfriend. That’s the truth."

"Because after getting to know you, I knew that you were what I wanted… Despite all the attempts I made to keep you at a distance, and to keep you thinking I didn’t like you--you still were there. Even when you grew distant with me, aloof, and all those times when I thought you didn’t like me, or felt that maybe I had finally succeeded in pushing you away and that you would never talk to me again. You would surprise me and do something to let me know that you still cared and even when I know that I might have hurt you, with all the pretending I did, and all the games I played--you still talked to me. That has always been special to me… The fact that as crazy as I’ve been, despite how emotional and how much of a liar you know I am, you still put up with me, and you still cared."


There is obviously more texts in the email I wrote, but those two paragraphs pretty are some of what I said to emphasize how I felt.

The truth is that, the only times I've ever revealed that I've liked him, have always been through texts. So he knows I know do. But he doesn't feel like I act like I do, when we're in person. He often will ask me questions in person to get a gauge on how I feel, and I always downplayed my feelings or would even do as much as tell him to date other girls. Obviously I was trying to push him away because I was scared, but he knows I like him. I don't think he knew how much.

In the letter I did not say the word "love" because I don't know if it's love, and I think it would scare him off. In any case I sent that email out to him last Sunday, and no response from him at all. Though I know he got it. I feel stupid. I know that on some hand, he may find that as heartfelt as it is, it isn't backed up by actions that I've made thus far, but I feel silly to continue to text him or ask him to hang out, if he'll ignore me, and only respond once I confront him, or ask him repeatedly. It seems like I have to almost beg him(by being overly persistant) before he'll respond and I find it a bit degrading, because I've never had to chase after a guy before.

You don't think the email is enough?

This is what I wrote at the end of the email(and why I feel quite bad that he hasn't responded yet):


"Now that you know how I actually feel and what I actually want from you, since I’ve been 100% honest with you about it all, I just would really appreciate it if your honest with me. I don’t want you to tell me what you think will hurt the least, or what you think I want to hear. I want you to tell me the truth. Either that: you’re open to dating me, or that you can’t date me. That way I can move on. You don’t have to respond right away. I know you have an interview coming up. I know that you’re busy with work. I know that you have other shit going on. I want you to get back to me only after you’ve thought about what I’ve said and had the time to think about it. I’ll give you your space and leave you be (if that’s what you need) so you can think about it… But if you still want to hang out, while your making your mind up, then I still would like to hang out as well. Since obviously I wouldn’t mind seeing you… I don’t want to rush you, or pressure you into anything though and that’s why I would prefer that you take your time, if you need it, before you answer me… Just don’t leave me hanging--don't let a month go by for instance without saying anything... I can wait a few weeks, but please get back to me..."

I know the reasons I want him as a boyfriend, and that I want to date him. I don't know how he feels about me though, his actions lately indicate that he's overly distant... I don't know if he still even cares. I'd like to follow the steps you've indicated, and think about what you said, but in the email, I let him know I was going to give him space to consider what I said, so it wouldn't make it insignificant if I contact him next week, wanting to meet up, etc. I just want to be honest this time and actually give him the space, but as I said in my first post, I don't know if he's taken it seriously or if he'll contact me with his answer. A part of me, thinks he may not. :-(
 

rayna

New member
Joined
Sep 27, 2014
Messages
63
MBTI Type
ENFP
I also want to add, that I know I've messed up a lot with him--in addition to not ever wanting to spend weekends with him, or communicating him on weekends, pushing him to date or talk to other girls, rejecting or declining his many attempts to hang out and only hanging out when I want to, I've also been very private about my life. In the beginning I was not as private, but I know that the last 6 months I have not revealed much of what goes on beyond the basics(work, school, etc). I know that he often will tell me about the problems some of his friends are experiencing, or give them advice, or tell me what he's told them to do to fix their problems, but he doesn't often get to "fix" anything for me, since I don't give him much to fix. I realize now that this might be a problem too. Overall, there's just so much distance that I put between me and him, and I'm not sure if the door has been slammed completely or not.

As I said, I did try to confront him two weeks ago, and asked if he wants me to stop contacting him, and he responded with "no I don't want you to leave me alone" but then right after he said that, every text message I sent him, he did not respond to--though he did invite me over a few days later. It just seems like he is being less responsive than ever, the last month and half or so(since we've been intimate basically)...

It's part of the reason why sometimes I distance myself, or keep that distance between us. Whenever he seems cold, or lukewarm, I figure he's not interested so I back off. But it was only recently(right before the first time we had sex) where he revealed that the entire time that I "thought" he was cold and did not like me, that he had liked me that whole time. It was then that I realized that I had been reading him wrong, and that his aloofness or coldness or "distance" doesn't always mean he doesn't want me, and that he could still have feelings. But it still feels hurtful, when you text someone messages and they don't respond a lot, or when you feel like your bothering someone when you don't want to be.

I've never ever sent him an email before, or one that spoke as honestly as I did in the email he got last week, so I'm hoping that though it wasn't face to face, that he'll read it and at least get a glimpse into how I feel. I don't know what else to do. For instance, I could have texted him and asked if he wanted to meet up, but because he had been ignoring my messages, I wasn't sure he would have agreed. So I sent the email. It just feels like a catch twenty-two.

Sometimes I think about just ending things completely or moving on when he gets distant like this but then I remember, that there have been times where he was very distant and then I would find that he actually felt for me during those times, in fact once this summer, for a week or two he was overly distant, and then I went to visit him at his job, and when he saw me, he sort of waved, and he came right over and hugged me--he had never done that before and it felt a bit awkward, and even he seemed awkward once he realized that he hugged me and we were at work, but still it indicated that he had missed me. It's those moments--the ones where he is distant, but then I see him again, and he shows me how he feels, that is partly why despite how unresponsive he is, I don't give up. But I'm feeling quite degraded and want to understand why with time, he is becoming more and more distant with me and why he can't tell me why... And why when I tried to end things, two weeks ago, did he tell me not to leave him alone, only to go back to ignoring me. I just am at a loss...:cry:
 

Coriolis

Si vis pacem, para bellum
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Apr 18, 2010
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INTJ
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5w6
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sp/sx
It's part of the reason why sometimes I distance myself, or keep that distance between us. Whenever he seems cold, or lukewarm, I figure he's not interested so I back off. But it was only recently(right before the first time we had sex) where he revealed that the entire time that I "thought" he was cold and did not like me, that he had liked me that whole time. It was then that I realized that I had been reading him wrong, and that his aloofness or coldness or "distance" doesn't always mean he doesn't want me, and that he could still have feelings. But it still feels hurtful, when you text someone messages and they don't respond a lot, or when you feel like your bothering someone when you don't want to be.
The highlighted is the key here. You cannot assume you know what people are thinking or feeling just from observable outward behavior, and this is especially true for INTJs. In fact, the more (strongly) we are feeling, the more we will work to keep that hidden, especially if there is any risk or uncertainty in the situation, and it seems you have provided plenty of both.

INTJs have no patience with people toying with them. I don't think that is what you were doing, but it may have come across that way to him. Either that, or as if you don't really know what you want. That may be closer to the truth. Your lengthy email should go far in at least providing a credible explanation for months of behavior he probably discounted as flighty if not game-playing, and showing him you understand what you want now and why. That you have had as many favorable responses from him over the months as you have suggests that he really does care about you, but it will take some time for you to earn his trust, and overcome the track record of the past year.

What to do? Give him his month. Don't contact him at all during that time, though of course reply should he contact you. If you cross paths with him in daily life, be friendly but don't engage unless he does. If he does not reply by the end of the month, contact him once more to ask what his plans are. If this still goes nowhere, then it is indeed time to move on. Should he contact you at a later date, address that when/if it happens.


PS: Understand also that your average INTJ will always come across with more "aloofness, coldness, and distance" than other folks, even within the context of a relationship. For a viable relationship, this must/will be balanced by plenty of closeness, sharing, and intimacy, but it will always be there to some degree, and will come out sometimes when you least expect it.
 
Joined
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sx/sp
He even told me one time, that all I do is talk.

This time, I decided to be honest. I wrote him a 4 page email, that addressed everything... I was completely honest, authentic, about everything, about why I did what I did, my feelings for him, what I wanted from him(since I had never been clear with that, no matter how many times he gave me space to tell him what I wanted) and a host of other things.

Sounds like more talking.



Basically, it seems you've put this guy through the wringer. Up and down, hot and cold, excessive game playing. Shit, I wouldn't put up with that.

Sorry, ENTP just calling it how I see it.
 

oneandonly

New member
Joined
Sep 10, 2014
Messages
109
MBTI Type
INFJ
YOU don't know what you want.. and you cannot expect someone else to make up your mind for you.. unless you want someone to consistently make your mind up for you... and That is codependency.. If you cannot feel consistently for him... then a relationship with him wouldnt make you feel any different.. youd still not be wanting to decide. Decision avoidance... especially when given an option.
 

oneandonly

New member
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Sep 10, 2014
Messages
109
MBTI Type
INFJ
definitely stop focusing on his actions. you are you. you are not him.
 

rayna

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Joined
Sep 27, 2014
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63
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ENFP
I want him. I really do. I didn't know if he wanted me, and I was confused by his behavior and didn't want to get hurt, so I tried to maintain a distance--I was also denying my feelings for him because it felt too vulnerable and completely awkward, since I'mused to men being more assertive, and displaying more of their interest in me--when he wasn't, I assumed he wasn't interested and I just couldn't put myself out there the way I wanted to. Even now, I have no clue where I stand, because everytime I think he hates me, or doesn't want anything to do with me, he'll say the opposite... Or look happy to see me, or hurt if I do something to distance him from me. But that doesn't make me feel better, because as of yet, this is the most distant I feel like he's been, and I know that it's not a good sign. That is why I sent him that email, I just don't know what else to do...

I know the email was more talk, and that is what I'm afraid of--that he is probably thinking that too. But I didn't know what else to do... I've completely went about things the wrong way with him. When I'm around him, I don't act like I like him, I act the opposite, and I text him my feelings, but it's so difficult for me to be so vulnerable out in the open. I wanted to just call him, or even see him in person and tell him, but because he was giving me the silent treatment when I did text him, I didn't know if he would be open to seeing me. That is why I emailed him. I was very honest in the email about my actions.

Still, I don't know if he believed me... He hasn't responded, and on top of that, I noticed he was active on facebook this week, which means he got it and obviously did not take it seriously enough to respond, hence why I feel a bit stupid. I'm going to back away for a month, and give him his space, unless he contacts me.

Do you guys think my chances with him are pretty slim at this point?
 
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Do you guys think my chances with him are pretty slim at this point?

Pretty difficult to answer that question but YES.

Cut your losses, learn some lessons, let GO and move on.

If he contacts you later down the line, then so be it. But don't expect it.
 

rayna

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Pretty difficult to answer that question but YES.

Cut your losses, learn some lessons, let GO and move on.

If he contacts you later down the line, then so be it. But don't expect it.

:(

There's really nothing I can do to fix this?
 
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:(

There's really nothing I can do to fix this?

Man, I don't know.

But I do think that that the more you try, the less successful you'll be. You may very well "fix" it by simply letting it go, but again, it's not about refusing to speak to him and ignoring him EXPECTING him to contact you, it's about truly moving on. Live your life. It really sounds like he has no reason to trust you at this point.

Listen to the Beatles, "Let it Be."
 

rayna

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Man, I don't know.

But I do think that that the more you try, the less successful you'll be. You may very well "fix" it by simply letting it go, but again, it's not about refusing to speak to him and ignoring him EXPECTING him to contact you, it's about truly moving on. Live your life. It really sounds like he has no reason to trust you at this point.

Listen to the Beatles, "Let it Be."

I've been thinking that as well--that perhaps I need to just cut my losses. It just sucks because I really did like him and I hate that I might have hurt him. I was hoping that even if he didnt feel the same that he would eventually respond and tell me "no I can't be your boyfriend" because in the past whenever I've asked him direct questions(such as the one in the email, except with far more urgency) he always answered, and never ignored me, even if he took a while to respond, and he answered honestly(or so I thought). When I asked him two weeks ago if he wanted me to stop contacting him, and he told me "no I don't want you to to leave me alone"--was he just trying to be nice, knowing deep down that he was already done? I had told him then, that I would move on, if he wanted me to leave him alone. So I've given him that option(other times I told him the same thing, that if I was bothering him or if he needed me to stop that I would, and he always try to stop from it--the only difference in this situation is that I wasn't as urgent or confrontational as I was in the other situations so I suppose he doesn't feel backed in the corner and might not even believe me).

On another note, the ironic thing is that I'm usually never like this. I'm a very loving person and will express that to the guys I date. I don't usually act the way I did with him. It was partly because of his aloofness and "coldness" that I thought meant he didn't want me, but also unfortunately at the time we met, I had lost my mother only 8 months before, in a very traumatic way, so I just wasn't ready to be vulnerable and open with anyone the way I knew he probably had wanted and once I came to terms with her death and did realize that I wanted to be with him, it's too late.

I'm going to try to just move on.
 
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I'm going to try to just move on.

Good decision. And it's possible he wanted you to keep texting to reaffirm to him that you felt bad. But that DOESN'T mean he's going to want to try again.

So yes, move one, sister.
 

rayna

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ENFP
When I was texting him, I didn't talk about how bad I felt, I typically just told him what was going on in my day, or sent him small talk messages.

The one time I did try to express that I was sorry for doing things the way I did, he cut me off and said "no need to explain yourself I already know how you are(in terms of my fickleness and constantly downplaying my feelings for him lol). You think I don't like what you say or that I'm turned off and I'm not." In actuality I thought that he was turned off and didnt like what I said because he doesn't always respond(duh lol). In any case it might have been about ego--wanting
Me to continue reaching out to him that is, but guess I will never know.
Learned my lesson and next time will be my normal loving self. Also I guess as a feeler maybe I need to stick with other feelers since I'm just not able to gauge coldness and aloofness the right way. Lol.
 

rayna

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MBTI Type
ENFP
Thank you everyone for the advice! While it made me sad, it gave me a brutal reality check that I need to let this go... I had hope and was living in the clouds thinking I still had a shot. Sucks but sometimes just hearing "there's no chance in hell " is the only way to snap out of it lol.

As silly as it is, a part of me knows that I should let this go, because I know I've messed up too much, but another "deeper" part thinks that perhaps I should at least attempt a fight. Back in August, he had talked to me, and talked about how last December, I just gave up on him and didn't fight for him, and he asked me, "Why weren't you willing to fight for me? you were so downtrodden, and just gave up. You don't fight for the guys you like?" It was weird to me at the time--the notion of fighting for someone that I like, but that isn't mine, but to him, it seemed really important--that he felt like I didn't like him as much because I didn't fight.

I sometimes, wonder if that is what it would take... I'm going to give him his space--the month of it, and let the letter penetrate his mind, but if he doesn't get back to me(which he honestly has never left me hanging) I will call him to see if we could possibly meet up and talk face to face, and perhaps spill my heart to his face, as opposed to the indirect method. I never call him, so maybe if the letter didn't reach him, me calling him and letting him know how I feel face to face, will let him know I'm serious? It could all be moot, but it doesn't hurt to try. My instincts based on what I know of him thus far(after finally understanding how he works) is that he hasn't completely given up on me, but that it's close, and that I have a slim chance. I'm going to try.

I'll give you guys updates...
 

chubber

failed poetry slam career
Joined
Oct 18, 2013
Messages
4,413
MBTI Type
INTP
Enneagram
4w5
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
I want to tear my hair out when reading this.
 

Opal

New member
Joined
Jan 16, 2014
Messages
1,391
MBTI Type
ENTP
It sounds like a lot of baggage has accumulated already. It may be difficult for him to arrange and orient his perspective for a relationship after having come to terms with rejection and emotional inconsistency. He probably read your letter, though applying warmth in person might work through barriers that text would not, and possibly prompt an earnest conversation.

I want to tear my hair out when reading this.

Yeah... mystery INTJ must be patient.
 

rayna

New member
Joined
Sep 27, 2014
Messages
63
MBTI Type
ENFP
It sounds like a lot of baggage has accumulated already. It may be difficult for him to arrange and orient his perspective for a relationship after having come to terms with rejection and emotional inconsistency. He probably read your letter, though applying warmth in person might work through barriers that text would not, and possibly prompt an earnest conversation.



Yeah... mystery INTJ must be patient.

Thank you for the response. I know I've been emotional inconsistent, and unsure of what I wanted, and played far too many emotional games(unintentionally). I don't know if it's too late or not, but I am willing to try. Earlier back in May, when he had finally told me liked me, it was after weeks of sometimes ignoring my text messages(in other words what he is doing now). In other words, I would have NEVER known he still had feelings for me based on how infrequently he responded and how little we had seen each other. So I did not believe him. But then a week after, when we hung out, and he attempted to ask me out, in a casual manner, I thought that perhaps he did like me, but had been playing games. Now I know that he was just being an INTJ, but still his actions(not always being responsive to messages, not initiating much contact, etc) had led me to believe he did not like me in that way. He is doing the same thing now, and has done this periodically throughout the year, even during timeframes where he claims to have liked me, so it's too hard for me to tell if he still likes me now but is just being weird again about communication. I never know with him, which is why I've been trying hard not to assume he's completely over it and move on.

He also really knows me well, so he KNOWS that I do a lot of talking and that I'm flakey, and has addressed this plenty of times, even during, after, and before he admitted to liking me. So I don't know if it's as much a dealbreaker as I believe it to be, since he already knows this about me(he literally did study me like a book and is very accurate whenever he describes my behavior). I think he knows how I feel, but also at the same time, is a bit uncertain the extent since he knows I've kept him at a distance--I had hoped that at the least the email would have let him know that, but now I know that it might have been blows of smoke in his eyes.

Finally, I want to address something, he has been inconsistent as well. For instance, nothing in his behaviors up until the few occasions where he was very HOT acting(and very persistant) would have led me to believe he liked me at all, since he has always been unresponsive, beyond the times where he was very "hot" acting toward me, and did not often initiate contact or hanging out as often either. I used to just continue to text or reach out despite his unresponsiveness, and eventually, he would be responsive, and then it would be like a switch had flipped and he would start talking to me regularly and wanting to hang out. But it's as if I have to overlook his sporadic communication and just continue to communicate with him regardless, that he seems to finally come around and start communicating back just as frequently. Otherwise, he stays withdrawn.

And it is that behavior that caused me to distance myself, or to act inconsistent because I did not know if he really had liked me. I had always thought if a man likes me, he'll frequently want to communicate, be responsive, and initiate. While he has initiated at times, and is responsive at times, he is unresponsive a lot of the time, and this gives me the feeling that he isn't interested. His behavior right now(the two days where he was unresponsive last week) is not anything new... I'm just tired of it. And I have talked about it with him and he has said that he does not like texting, that it bores him, and that when he's at work that it was he is focused on. But then he got a smirk and said, "But then I see like 9 messages from you and I know how you get... You think I'm playing games or ignoring you and I'm not. I don't respond to 98% of the messages I get".

That was a month ago when he said that. But I still feel stupid, because I just feel like if he really liked me, wouldn't he at least respond sometimes to my messages, or at least want to talk? It's like some weeks, he'll be "hot" and really responsive to my texts and to me. And it will occur for a couple of weeks, until all of the sudden he is cold, like was a week and a half ago...

Finally, I should have mentioned this, but back in August right after we were intimate and right after he had agreed to be my sex "Buddy", I had asked him if he we were still going to be "sex buddies". And he had responded, "Well they never work out right...So I don't think we should." And in my head I was like: "WTF, why did you agree to it, then change your mind so quickly?"

i couldn't believe he had changed his mind. I asked him to elaborate what he meant, and he had said, "Well let me put it this way, I never date the girls I do FWBS with." And he just sort of looked at me, with a look that said, "If you want to date me, FWB would not be the way". So I said, "Ok..." And he went on to say that I could control the status of things, in terms of our relationship, if I wanted, all I needed to do was put conditions on things(like say we can't have sex unless we're in a relationship, etc). But that FWBS never end well, and someone always gets hurt, so he doesn't like them(which again, I felt like it shouldn't have been said BEFORE we had sex, since he knows that he is only the second guy I've second with, and the only one I slept with, without being in a relationship).

And he then said that we should just hang out and see where it goes, instead of doing the FWB thing. He had said other things that night, but he was indirectly hinting or pushing at me(I got the feeling) to say that I wanted a relationship, but I could not, because I needed him to say it first, instead of beating around the bushes. Weeks later when I tried to just make it about sex, since I felt like he was being too vague, he got mad and gave me the silent treatment, and was only responsive when I told him my feelings were deeper than sex when it came to him. And that is when he asked me on a date. But up until that point, based on his vagueness I had no clue what he really wanted, or how to proceed, and that is what made me act so weird.

^^ and it's these things he does often. He is very cryptic or vague about what he really wants. He'll give hints every and now and then, but sort of leans back on me to take the initiative and do certain things. The only times where I have truly gotten direct answers from him, is when I've been confrontational(like I was two weeks ago when I told him to either tell me if he would like me to stop contacting him, or that I was going to stop regardless since he was ignoring me) and he had responded and told me "not to leave him alone". When backed in a corner, he will responded quickly and reveal how he feels, but if I give him too much "space" he won't, and it's always up to me, to bring things out of him, or to be confrontational.

Finally, everytime we see each other, he needs a lot of validation--i.e. he will constantly try to get me to tell him how I feel, or get a reaction out of me, to see how I feel, but he on the other hand, never truly admits to how he feels, he only hints around it--so he too has never actually came out directly to my face and told me how he felt. It's sort of two way thing here. Which is partially another reason why I have behaved as I have. I'm very uncertain of his feelings, and at the moments where I've felt most uncertain, are the moments when I would later find that he had liked me a lot. It just makes no sense at all. And yet I still have deep *feels* for this person.

I know he's got my email. But I believe he's calling my bluff--I don't think he believes it's genuine right now, but the longest we've ever went without communication, has been 9 days. I do believe that once a month passes by and he realizes that we have not spoken, that he'll connect the dots with the letter, and understand that I was being serious.
 

ceecee

Coolatta® Enjoyer
Joined
Apr 22, 2008
Messages
15,908
MBTI Type
INTJ
Enneagram
8w9
Thank you for the response. I know I've been emotional inconsistent, and unsure of what I wanted, and played far too many emotional games(unintentionally). I don't know if it's too late or not, but I am willing to try. Earlier back in May, when he had finally told me liked me, it was after weeks of sometimes ignoring my text messages(in other words what he is doing now). In other words, I would have NEVER known he still had feelings for me based on how infrequently he responded and how little we had seen each other. So I did not believe him. But then a week after, when we hung out, and he attempted to ask me out, in a casual manner, I thought that perhaps he did like me, but had been playing games. Now I know that he was just being an INTJ, but still his actions(not always being responsive to messages, not initiating much contact, etc) had led me to believe he did not like me in that way. He is doing the same thing now, and has done this periodically throughout the year, even during timeframes where he claims to have liked me, so it's too hard for me to tell if he still likes me now but is just being weird again about communication. I never know with him, which is why I've been trying hard not to assume he's completely over it and move on.

He also really knows me well, so he KNOWS that I do a lot of talking and that I'm flakey, and has addressed this plenty of times, even during, after, and before he admitted to liking me. So I don't know if it's as much a dealbreaker as I believe it to be, since he already knows this about me(he literally did study me like a book and is very accurate whenever he describes my behavior). I think he knows how I feel, but also at the same time, is a bit uncertain the extent since he knows I've kept him at a distance--I had hoped that at the least the email would have let him know that, but now I know that it might have been blows of smoke in his eyes.

Finally, I want to address something, he has been inconsistent as well. For instance, nothing in his behaviors up until the few occasions where he was very HOT acting(and very persistant) would have led me to believe he liked me at all, since he has always been unresponsive, beyond the times where he was very "hot" acting toward me, and did not often initiate contact or hanging out as often either. I used to just continue to text or reach out despite his unresponsiveness, and eventually, he would be responsive, and then it would be like a switch had flipped and he would start talking to me regularly and wanting to hang out. But it's as if I have to overlook his sporadic communication and just continue to communicate with him regardless, that he seems to finally come around and start communicating back just as frequently. Otherwise, he stays withdrawn.

And it is that behavior that caused me to distance myself, or to act inconsistent because I did not know if he really had liked me. I had always thought if a man likes me, he'll frequently want to communicate, be responsive, and initiate. While he has initiated at times, and is responsive at times, he is unresponsive a lot of the time, and this gives me the feeling that he isn't interested. His behavior right now(the two days where he was unresponsive last week) is not anything new... I'm just tired of it. And I have talked about it with him and he has said that he does not like texting, that it bores him, and that when he's at work that it was he is focused on. But then he got a smirk and said, "But then I see like 9 messages from you and I know how you get... You think I'm playing games or ignoring you and I'm not. I don't respond to 98% of the messages I get".

That was a month ago when he said that. But I still feel stupid, because I just feel like if he really liked me, wouldn't he at least respond sometimes to my messages, or at least want to talk? It's like some weeks, he'll be "hot" and really responsive to my texts and to me. And it will occur for a couple of weeks, until all of the sudden he is cold, like was a week and a half ago...

Finally, I should have mentioned this, but back in August right after we were intimate and right after he had agreed to be my sex "Buddy", I had asked him if he we were still going to be "sex buddies". And he had responded, "Well they never work out right...So I don't think we should." And in my head I was like: "WTF, why did you agree to it, then change your mind so quickly?"

i couldn't believe he had changed his mind. I asked him to elaborate what he meant, and he had said, "Well let me put it this way, I never date the girls I do FWBS with." And he just sort of looked at me, with a look that said, "If you want to date me, FWB would not be the way". So I said, "Ok..." And he went on to say that I could control the status of things, in terms of our relationship, if I wanted, all I needed to do was put conditions on things(like say we can't have sex unless we're in a relationship, etc). But that FWBS never end well, and someone always gets hurt, so he doesn't like them(which again, I felt like it shouldn't have been said BEFORE we had sex, since he knows that he is only the second guy I've second with, and the only one I slept with, without being in a relationship).

And he then said that we should just hang out and see where it goes, instead of doing the FWB thing. He had said other things that night, but he was indirectly hinting or pushing at me(I got the feeling) to say that I wanted a relationship, but I could not, because I needed him to say it first, instead of beating around the bushes. Weeks later when I tried to just make it about sex, since I felt like he was being too vague, he got mad and gave me the silent treatment, and was only responsive when I told him my feelings were deeper than sex when it came to him. And that is when he asked me on a date. But up until that point, based on his vagueness I had no clue what he really wanted, or how to proceed, and that is what made me act so weird.

^^ and it's these things he does often. He is very cryptic or vague about what he really wants. He'll give hints every and now and then, but sort of leans back on me to take the initiative and do certain things. The only times where I have truly gotten direct answers from him, is when I've been confrontational(like I was two weeks ago when I told him to either tell me if he would like me to stop contacting him, or that I was going to stop regardless since he was ignoring me) and he had responded and told me "not to leave him alone". When backed in a corner, he will responded quickly and reveal how he feels, but if I give him too much "space" he won't, and it's always up to me, to bring things out of him, or to be confrontational.

Finally, everytime we see each other, he needs a lot of validation--i.e. he will constantly try to get me to tell him how I feel, or get a reaction out of me, to see how I feel, but he on the other hand, never truly admits to how he feels, he only hints around it--so he too has never actually came out directly to my face and told me how he felt. It's sort of two way thing here. Which is partially another reason why I have behaved as I have. I'm very uncertain of his feelings, and at the moments where I've felt most uncertain, are the moments when I would later find that he had liked me a lot. It just makes no sense at all. And yet I still have deep *feels* for this person.

I know he's got my email. But I believe he's calling my bluff--I don't think he believes it's genuine right now, but the longest we've ever went without communication, has been 9 days. I do believe that once a month passes by and he realizes that we have not spoken, that he'll connect the dots with the letter, and understand that I was being serious.

I thought you were letting it go?
 
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