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[INTJ] Best way to approach "feeeeelings" talks with INTJs

Eileen

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Say that someone needs to address particular emotions with an INTJ. It could be for any reason - the INTJ hurt someone's feelings, someone has feelings for the INTJ, whatever. Assuming that this really is something that needs to be discussed, what is the best way to approach this type of conversation with an INTJ?
 

MetalWounds

More human than human
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TP
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Well...for starters, as straight forward as possible. Try not to create any ambiguity. If you're going to talk about how they hurt someone's feelings you should include as much detail as possible, be specific about actions. Be prepared to hear a justification as to why they did that but don't be swayed from your point, tell us what exactly we did wrong and how it affected that person.

Maturity level is going to be a huge factor here, perhaps you could be a bit more specific?
 

Eileen

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Nah, I'm really looking for generalities. But assume that the INTJ is of a moderate maturity level.
 

Jughead

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I've had a couple of "feelings" talks with an INTJ friend of mine, they appreciate directness. This particular specimen wasn't used to "feelings" talks, but he handled them all pretty well. I think they like having time to think over it, and not have to think of an instantaneous response, so e-mails or letters could be better, but then again, that could just be a personal quirk. Logical explanations work better.

Good luck!
 

spirilis

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On the other side of the table, *hearing* an INTJ talk about his feelings, I can say the one incident I'm recalling involved a lot of specifics. He was just blurting out a lot of little things his ex "tended to" do, and spoke it under the implication (could tell based on his voice) that I was supposed to understand how and why those things annoyed him.
 

Misty_Mountain_Rose

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Before I became aware that I have a tendency to disregard peoples feelings, I would have been very defensive and argued the 'why' of what I did until hell froze over.

As I've gotten better at recognizing that I DO have a tendency to hurt peoples feelings without knowing it, I feel extremely sorry when I do it and apologize profusely. For me, that would mean a shame faced, head hung, "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings, I didn't mean to." (That is profuse in my opinion... :doh: ) and then I move on.

The problem would arise if I hurt their feelings by DISAGREEING with them about something. If they cannot handle that I have a different opinion from them and get their feelings hurt because I won't agree... we'll have problems, because it will simply start the discussion all over again as to why I believe I'm right. (Duh!) But... if I said something that attacked THEM rather than arguing my point, then I would feel bad and apologize.

For me, any disagreement should stick to the facts at hand, and if I overstep the boundaries by making it personal, that is my bad... and extremely poor logic if I have to resort to insults to make my point. Before it got to that point I'd probably start quietly reconsidering my position for a few minutes before calling a halt to the disagreement without having to actually admit I was wrong :smile: "Ok, lets just agree to disagree" I might say... while I am secretly thinking "Shoot... what if I'm wrong? I need to ponder this..."

:blush:
 

Ilah

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I think be as clear as possible. No hinting or implying. No making the person guess what your feelings are.

If it is negative feelings, some clear "instructions" should be given. For example if there are specific things that hurt you feelings, make you angry, make you feel disrespected, etc. let the person know exactly what it is you don't like. Focus on specific actions you want the person to stop. Don't just say things like be more conciderate and expect them to figure out what specifically they are supposed to do.

With positive feeling, you often need to ask directly. Say something like, "You mean a lot to me and I would like to know if you feel the same way about me." If you declare your feelings, it is not necessarily obvious to the INTJ that you expect them to respond by declare their feeling for you.

Also, expressing feeling is difficult and the words sometimes come out wrong. So be patient and non critical when we try to express our feelings.

Ilah
 

Kasper

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This topic depends entirely upon the maturity of said INTJ and I don’t really know what average maturity would be.

If it's not good news it may be a conversation that meets with resistance and they may need to go away to properly digest what you've said, hopefully they are open enough to listen in the first place but that is an assumption I can’t make.

Personally this is something I would be quite receptive to as long as the person was being respectful and wasn't attacking me. An emotional conversation is fine but objectivity with specific and clear details would work better particularly coming from those I’m not close to. I would also debate what was being said and probably do so without realising it so try not to create the opportunity to turn the conversation into an argument.

I'm quite concerned with not wanting to hurt other people’s feelings unintentionally (not that I do it intentionally) so I'd be concerned and want to immediately 'fix' whatever you told me and may look too far in the future as to what can be done as opposed to simply apologise for anything I’d done wrong.

Honestly INTJs have feelings and most (I believe) are concerned about the feelings of those around them and would not want to be the cause of some ones distress, we just don’t show ours often, so don’t expect an emotive response.

If it's good news, simple, just tell it straight ;)
 

Usehername

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1. Explicitly, calmly, presented in a logical way (x behaviour caused y feelings for z person).


2. Wait a few days for Ni to reorganize self-perception.


3. INTJ will approach you or you re-approach INTJ and have the real, in-depth conversation.


My personal experience has been that, because I'm a reasonably mature person, when I've genuinely had an issue to sort through that was a repeated issue re: how I treat others, it was a blind spot for me. Telling me in depth why it was an issue is not going to filter through. As soon as you give the #1 instruction (see above) our brains instantly branch off into a tree of infinite implications of cause and effect (one dimension for past memories, one dimension for current interactions, one dimension for our future interactions i.e. if I keep this behaviour up, in a decade, this will affect my marriage/kids in ways A, B, C, D...) Then we have to reorganize the way we understood reality in past, present and future. Then we xxTxs have to sort through our feelings because we've hurt someone else's feelings, if we're mature enough.


It's simply too much to give all at once. Let the Ni reorganize the brain then go for it.
 

Uytuun

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Maturity level is going to be a huge factor here

Seconded.

2. Wait a few days for Ni to reorganize self-perception.

Seconded...allow the initial - often dismissive - reaction to ripen.

It might help when the other person opens up first and takes up a vulnerable stance. I doubt the INTJ will take advantage of it, but it should help him opening up in turn. When you prod us about feelings a bit and are able to deal with the silences and the stammering and whatnot, you actually might get more out of us than you'd ever imagined.
 

>_<

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Just say it. They don't seem to care about all the fruity stuff as much as that the feelings exist. An example of a good feeling conversation with an INTJ I had online:

INTJ: I don't usually say this, but I really care about you.
INTP: I feel the same way.
(five minutes later)
INTJ: So want to play warcraft iii?
INTP: Okay.
 

MacGuffin

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You should ask this question at INTJf.
 

Risen

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Just say it. They don't seem to care about all the fruity stuff as much as that the feelings exist. An example of a good feeling conversation with an INTJ I had online:

INTJ: I don't usually say this, but I really care about you.
INTP: I feel the same way.
(five minutes later)
INTJ: So want to play warcraft iii?
INTP: Okay.

lmao. Too true.
 

Tigerlily

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I'm really glad you brought this up because I've been meaning to talk to you about this however I can only go by my INTJ.

He doesn't like to hear things aren't going well so I keep everything running as smoothly as possible. He is very logical and doesn't use feelings when making decisions (duh). I've asked him many times so will this work out? How do you "feel" about it :laugh: and he has nothing other than deductive reasoning/logic where as rely mostly on how I feel. Mine is very playful which is a plus.

INTJ's like a challenge. If you give them yourself on a platter they'll get bored rather quickly and move on if not physically then emotionally as in there will be no bond but they'll get together if they're bored and have nothing better to do and probably only if you do the contacting.

I don't think having a heart to heart with him will make any difference and you'll probably be left feeling wounded which isn't great when trying to move forward, however I don't know this person at all so I could be wrong (I'm usually not). The information you've provided about him seems to me that your best bet is to think of yourself and keep looking forward. I never look back when I've made a decision and revisiting old lovers and such is just a waste of time from my experiences.

I hope this helps some.

Jen xoxo

edit: excuse the run on sentences, getting ready for pickup and swimming lessons.
 

Misty_Mountain_Rose

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...they'll get together if they're bored and have nothing better to do and probably only if you do the contacting.

My friends hate that I never call them. It isn't that I don't want to or that I have forgotten about them... its just that usually there are a million other things going on and I'll think 'Oh, I need to remember to call X when I get off work...' and then I end up having something else in my head that completely pushes it from my head. :doh:
 
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I agree with some previous posters that you need to be specific and unambiguous. I don't think we INTJs willfully reject or dismiss feeling, we just really have trouble understanding it. Especially understanding how certain actions lead to certain feelings. So if you lay it out like a legal case, we'll respond best. I know if it were me, i'd listen. I'd be very concerned because I realize that I don't intuit the feelings of others very well and so I'm constantly worrying that innocuous comments or actions are going to appear dismissive, insulting or uncaring.


And wow, this could be me.

My friends hate that I never call them. It isn't that I don't want to or that I have forgotten about them... its just that usually there are a million other things going on and I'll think 'Oh, I need to remember to call X when I get off work...' and then I end up having something else in my head that completely pushes it from my head. :doh:
 

Virtual ghost

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Just say it. They don't seem to care about all the fruity stuff as much as that the feelings exist. An example of a good feeling conversation with an INTJ I had online:

INTJ: I don't usually say this, but I really care about you.
INTP: I feel the same way.
(five minutes later)
INTJ: So want to play warcraft iii?
INTP: Okay.

:thumbup:
 

01011010

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INTJ: I don't usually say this, but I really care about you.
INTP: I feel the same way.
(five minutes later)
INTJ: So want to play warcraft iii?
INTP: Okay.

lol Indeed. I don't mind saying flowery things now and then, but if I have to dwell on it, I get uncomfortable. Quick and to the point is the best way to deal with INTJ feelings.
 

Jeximo

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Just say it. They don't seem to care about all the fruity stuff as much as that the feelings exist. An example of a good feeling conversation with an INTJ I had online:

INTJ: I don't usually say this, but I really care about you.
INTP: I feel the same way.
(five minutes later)
INTJ: So want to play warcraft iii?
INTP: Okay.

Ha, so true. Get to the point and move on.
 
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