[NT] NT's and Love?

[substitute]

One thing I seem to enjoy is 'falling in love'.
I don't know why I enjoy it- I have done it often.
However, in most ways, I relate much more to the T preference than F.

I remembered reading somewhere that INTP's and ENTP's are prone to the obsessive sort of love in their younger years.
Do other XNTP's here find that to be true?

When I meet a person I really like, I will often be willing to do anything I can to make that person happy- my way of showing love- of being the 'nice guy'.

When I was your age, I was the same. And my track record says that, whilst most people only SAY they'll do anything but are actually not capable of doing quite a lot, I really will and can do anything when there's something I want.

But these days, with kids to consider and many life lessons under my belt that serve as counterbalances to that natural self-indulgence and lack of consideration of my actions' consequences on others, I tend to hold myself back more and evaluate things.

There was, until very recently, also the deterrent of religious vows preventing me from doing anything stupid and impulsive at the cost of years of another person's life wasted. Now those vows are in question, it's a dangerous time for a person to be awesome in front of me.

I suspect though, that if I had no freakish things wrong with my body and no responsibilities like people being dependent on me, I'd still be as uncautious as I ever was before those lessons.

I feel it, oh hell do I ever feel it! But the T has set in pretty deeply on me in the last few years, and while my Fe has developed in leaps and bounds it usually manifests itself in better consideration for others (particularly the people who'd foot the cost of me leaping off to chase after a romance), while consideration of my own emotional needs (is that Fi?) has been pushed to the inferior position, according to my last indepth test. It'd take a helluva thing to get my heart out from under my head's heel.

Now, when I see the title 'NT's and love', I laugh. The hollow, cynical, hysterical and slightly insane laugh of the deeply tormented. Ha!

 

[edel weiss]

I'm starting to feel slightly anxious about not being a 'lovey' kind. I'm not cynical about it. I'm not enthusiastic about it either. I'm just rather... passive.

I thought that was perfectly normal.

 

[Ada]

For the ENTPs in a relationship with an INTP out there, I have to add this tidbit...

Sometimes when my ENTP dh does something of the "romantic" persuasion, I, being the INTP I am, don't always "get it".

He's been known to make a late night snack for us to share, cuddle up on the couch next to me, and select a chick-flick from video-on-demand for us to watch together... my reflexive response may be "I'm not really in the mood for a movie tonight."

Worse yet, I may even just get up and leave the room, perhaps to go get on the Internet to find the answer to some question I am mulling over in my mind.... totally oblivious to the fact he is trying to spend time with me, never mind the romantic part!

Maybe it's a good thing INTP women are the rarest of all types for women!

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When we were dating he picked me up from work one day with a dozen roses in the passenger's seat and the Depeche Mode Song "Somebody" playing on the stereo.

I guess a typical woman's response would be to get all teary-eyed ...

I was like "Huh? What's up with the roses? How much did they cost?"

DH (boyfriend at the time): "Just listen to the song."

I was like "Did you get a new tape?"

DH: Just listen to the song! :steam:

***Listening***

Finally I "got it" , he was trying to be romantic.

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My dh ended up expending a lot of energy to track down the sheet music for this song (this was pre-Internet days, so it wasn't a matter of just googling for it) and lining up someone to sing it in our wedding ceremony.

For any of you who may not be familiar with Depeche Mode, here are the lyrics:

Can any ENTP guys tell me if these lyrics really speak to them?

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Depeche Mode: Somebody

I want somebody to share
Share the rest of my life
Share my innermost thoughts
Know my intimate details
Someone who'll stand by my side
And give me support
And in return
She'll get my support
She will listen to me
When I want to speak
About the world we live in
And life in general
Though my views may be wrong
They may even be perverted
She'll hear me out
And wont easily be converted
To my way of thinking
In fact she'll often disagree
But at the end of it all
She will understand me
Aaaahhhhh....

I want somebody who cares
For me passionately
With every thought and
With every breath
Someone who'll help me see things
In a different light
All the things I detest
I will almost like
I don't want to be tied
To anyones strings
I'm carefully trying to steer clear of
Those things
But when I'm asleep
I want somebody
Who will put their arms around me
And kiss me tenderly
Though things like this
Make me sick
In a case like this
Ill get away with it
Aaaahhhhh....

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Epilogue: Recently I was rummaging through a box of cassette tapes and found the tape with this song on it, it was actually on a cassette tape full of 80s music an ex had mixed for my dh a couple of years before he and I met... that's right, dh wooed me using a recycled cassette tape from an ex!! We were down a car in our house, so I had to pick up dh from work. When I picked him up I had this song playing on the car stereo... he was so excited I had found the tape which he had thought was long-lost.

 

[MacGuffin]

Lol, I would just like to take this moment to state the obvious, that being, that if this thread were to be posted in the NF forum, addressing NF's and Love?

The thread would be more robust in detail, and number of responses.

Perhaps, you NT's do, in fact, suck at love?!?!?

Official NT emoticon --------->


<----------- Official NF emoticon

Perhaps we just don't throw it around so casually.

It burns like fire. It feels so good, but it can consume or harm you as well.

Still worth it.

 

[Mondo]

Depeche Mode: Somebody

I want somebody to share
Share the rest of my life
Share my innermost thoughts
Know my intimate details
Someone who'll stand by my side
And give me support
And in return
She'll get my support
She will listen to me
When I want to speak
About the world we live in
And life in general
Though my views may be wrong
They may even be perverted
She'll hear me out
And wont easily be converted
To my way of thinking
In fact she'll often disagree
But at the end of it all
She will understand me
Aaaahhhhh....

I want somebody who cares
For me passionately
With every thought and
With every breath
Someone who'll help me see things
In a different light
All the things I detest
I will almost like
I don't want to be tied
To anyones strings
I'm carefully trying to steer clear of
Those things
But when I'm asleep
I want somebody
Who will put their arms around me
And kiss me tenderly
Though things like this
Make me sick
In a case like this
Ill get away with it
Aaaahhhhh....

Yea, I can.
This is the kind of relationship I would want even if I don't tell people.. it takes a lot for me to share my innermost thoughts with anyone. The last lines in the first verse are important because it shows that my mate is being honest with me- a dishonest one that is simply looking to please would agree with everything I say and even worse- without thinking about what she actually thinks. I want a girl who knows how to think on her own.

 

[substitute]

I was thinking I related most to the last few lines...

 

[Ada]

Yea, I can.
This is the kind of relationship I would want even if I don't tell people.. it takes a lot for me to share my innermost thoughts with anyone. The last lines in the first verse are important because it shows that my mate is being honest with me- a dishonest one that is simply looking to please would agree with everything I say and even worse- without thinking about what she actually thinks. I want a girl who knows how to think on her own.

Uh! Huh!

I have to say, when I am standing my ground with my husband, he'll get ticked at me in the moment. But later, I've noticed, it's as if the fact I stood up to him, and held my ground, turned him on. In fact last summer we had a running argument going for several weeks when a woman friend of mine came over one day... dh came into the room and we talked for awhile, just about logistical stuff - nothing big. The entire time he and I were talking my friend just sat back and watched us - intently.

After he left my friend says to me, "Damn, what's been going on between the two of you lately?"

I was like, "Huh? I told you, we've been fighting about this financial decision."

My friend says, "I don't know, you could have fooled me.... his body language was telling me he's all into you - - big time. Seriously!"

I thought about it, and she was right... in the midst of this ongoing disagreement we'd been having for the past several weeks - our sex life had been great, and he was the one initiating it...

I asked dh about this later that day and he admitted it's a turn-on to him when I'm standing up to him and holding my ground...

Uhh, huh... I'll have to keep that in mind.

I was thinking I related most to the last few lines...

LOL! Very Q of you...

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I'll give the imbedding google video feature a try... hmmm, can't quite get it to work, maybe I'm too much of a noob in this neck of the woods - here's the link...

YouTube - Somebody - Depeche Mode

Somebody - Depeche Mode (Google Link)

 

[Ada]

I'm starting to feel slightly anxious about not being a 'lovey' kind. I'm not cynical about it. I'm not enthusiastic about it either. I'm just rather... passive.

I thought that was perfectly normal.

I would say you probably have not been properly "inspired" as of yet... enthusiasm will be there once you have met and gotten to know, and trust, someone.

My ENTP dh didn't serenade me with roses and Depeche Mode until after we had crossed the abyss and declared to one another that we were "in love"...

I don't think an ENTP is going to take the "risk" of declaring love until he/she's reasonable sure the love is going to be reciprocated.

I remember going around for at least a week thinking "I am in love with him, I think he's in love with me, but I am not going to be the first one to say it..."

I am sure I gave off plenty of vibes to make him feel plenty safe to finally said "I love you" to me...

 

[entropie]

my longtime girlfriend always corrected me in our beginning for messaging her "I lov you" and not "I love you". There was surely some deep meaning behind that.

Today after 4 years I like her boobs more than ever xDD

 

[Jughead]

I'm starting to feel slightly anxious about not being a 'lovey' kind. I'm not cynical about it. I'm not enthusiastic about it either. I'm just rather... passive.

I thought that was perfectly normal.

Yay, it's someone else from India!

Anyway, I'm an INTP and if I like someone, I am pretty infatuated. If I don't have anyone in mind, I don't give a flip about romance. I've definitely never fallen in love, and I agree with the quote above (except I didn't think it was perfectly normal.)

 

[INA]

I think this guy said all there is to say re the NT views on love
YouTube - Haddaway-What is Love?

 

[htb]

For an activity so predominantly subjective, I would prefer to be talking music, film, sports or art.

 

[Ilah]

I have long since realized that my experience of being in love does not match with what being in love is "supposed to" be like. Although I knew nothing of MBTI at the time I feel in love, I think it is actually the most accurate way to decribe the difference.

The typical descirption of love focuses on emotion (F) and physcial attraction/physcial realationship (S).

For me the primary things was a strong intellectional connection (T) and a strong indescribably sense that we were ment to be life partners (N). The emotion and physcial part came after that. While I don't discount them, they are not as important as the intellectional connection and the strong N sense.

Ilah

 

[edel weiss]

I would say you probably have not been properly "inspired" as of yet... enthusiasm will be there once you have met and gotten to know, and trust, someone.

I guess so. I'm not like the rest of my single friends, though. I don't really desire love as of now or actively seek it out. I have plenty of things to do in my life to keep me busy. And my over active imagination fills the voids.

Yay, it's someone else from India!

Anyway, I'm an INTP and if I like someone, I am pretty infatuated. If I don't have anyone in mind, I don't give a flip about romance. I've definitely never fallen in love, and I agree with the quote above (except I didn't think it was perfectly normal.)

Another Indian, then? :hi:

I've been infatuated before, too. Not too much. Not too often, either. Boys my age seem to be rather wary of me. Shrug.

 

[Jughead]

Another Indian, then? :hi:

I've been infatuated before, too. Not too much. Not too often, either. Boys my age seem to be rather wary of me. Shrug.

:hi: Where in India are you?

I've been infatuated once (if you don't count grade school infatuations, I don't.) Boys my age tend to not look at me like I'm female at all. Yay gender reversed friend zones.

 

[Misty_Mountain_Rose]

I can say that of all the people I've dated, I've only ever been truly in love once... and it changed my life. It was as if a lightbulb came on in my head that said 'Ohhhh THIS is what everyone gets so excited about...' and suddenly I felt more 'human' and less like a 'robot'.

It made me eternally happy to know that I was even CAPABLE of such deep emotions, having been so unused to feeling at all for most of my life. It was like a person blind from birth suddenly being given the gift of sight.

Even though things did not work out with him and he broke my heart into a million pieces, I look back and go 'Wow... I didn't even know my heart could break...' and I thank the universe over and over for giving me the chance to know what love is. Like someone earlier posted... even if I never find it again, I'm happy that I've seen it and felt it even once.

It changed me in ways that I'd never have expected, making me more open to feelings in general and more understanding to more feeling types. Life-altering would be maybe the best way to describe it.

 

[Ada]

I guess so. I'm not like the rest of my single friends, though. I don't really desire love as of now or actively seek it out. I have plenty of things to do in my life to keep me busy. And my over active imagination fills the voids.

You sound much like myself at your age. I didn't have a boyfriend to speak of until I was 19, almost 20.

A couple fleeting/flirting encounters in my high school years resulted in my first kiss and a few make-out sessions, but nothing more - actually, these experiences taught me to keep guys at arm's length. Since I was/am "generously endowed" I tended to attract guys he just wanted to grope at my chest... as a result, I learned to be discerning/distrustful. If I didn't have a "mind attraction", I didn't give the guy the time of day....

I was very pragmatic when I was younger. I didn't see the point of "going together" when I was in junior high... it just seemed to be a stupid exercise in my mind.

When I was 20/21 I worked in a nursing home for 18 months. This experience got me thinking about what's important when one's life is drawing to a close - family. Education, career... and virtually every materialistic achievement pales when someone is reflecting on their life in their last days. Family is what's important, and not much more.

At the same time I had a girlfriend/acquaintance who had just turned 35. She had a master's degree, a career... but no prospects whatsoever for marriage and family. She told me she'd dated a guy in college who was crazy about her, and her about him, but she broke up with him because she wanted to experience life prior to settling down and getting married... at the age of 35 she was now wondering if she had turned her back on the opportunity to get married to someone who would have been a good husband and (potentially) father to her children.

I was in my early 20s and the thought of having a family one day was something which I thought MIGHT happen in my 30s, but it wasn't a big motivating factor in my life - - until I met someone in her 30s, with no real prospects who was regretting turning her back on a really special relationship relationship in her youth because she thought she was "too young to settle down."

This perspective guided me when I met my husband when I was just 21. We had a meeting of the minds, a soulmate-like connection. It was powerful, totally blew me away. But at 21, I had NEVER imagined one day getting married. I wasn't the type of girl who dreamed of her wedding day or someday being a mother... those thoughts were SO far from my mind.

But what I did recognize was the value of a deep friendship with a guy I couldn't imagine not having in my life. I ended up getting married at the age of 22... he was just 25. Prior to meeting my husband, if someone would have told me I'd end up getting married in my early 20s, I would have said "you are crazy, I've never even thought about getting married, if I ever do it won't be until I'm in my 30s.)

The night I met my husband I told him I was thinking my next relationship might be with a woman... I wasn't messing with him - I simply was disgusted with guys who only wanted sex and weren't into building a meeting-of-the-minds relationship.

I was not looking for a relationship when I met my husband... I think falling in love is most likely to happen when you are not looking for it.

When you do find it, don't treat it like it's not something very rare and special... I think we tend to think it is because, as we get older, just about everyone is coupled up. But the true mindmate relationships are still rare... if and when you find that - don't think of it as something other than the miracle it is.

I can say that of all the people I've dated, I've only ever been truly in love once... and it changed my life. It was as if a lightbulb came on in my head that said 'Ohhhh THIS is what everyone gets so excited about...' and suddenly I felt more 'human' and less like a 'robot'.

It made me eternally happy to know that I was even CAPABLE of such deep emotions, having been so unused to feeling at all for most of my life. It was like a person blind from birth suddenly being given the gift of sight.

Even though things did not work out with him and he broke my heart into a million pieces, I look back and go 'Wow... I didn't even know my heart could break...' and I thank the universe over and over for giving me the chance to know what love is. Like someone earlier posted... even if I never find it again, I'm happy that I've seen it and felt it even once.

It changed me in ways that I'd never have expected, making me more open to feelings in general and more understanding to more feeling types. Life-altering would be maybe the best way to describe it.

I totally understand this.... it is completely life-changing to fall in love. And it's totally worth it...

 

[phoenix13]

When we were dating he picked me up from work one day with a dozen roses in the passenger's seat and the Depeche Mode Song "Somebody" playing on the stereo.

I guess a typical woman's response would be to get all teary-eyed ...

I was like "Huh? What's up with the roses? How much did they cost?"

DH (boyfriend at the time): "Just listen to the song."

I was like "Did you get a new tape?"

DH: Just listen to the song! :steam:

***Listening***

Finally I "got it" , he was trying to be romantic.

No freaking way!!! Ahahahaha! Oh, you win. That's ... wow.

 

[BetaSwimmer]

Honestly at this point in my life, the way I view the whole 'love' and 'family' relationship is kind of as NT's would probably put it, into an actual somewhat logic like format...least for myself.

During High school I basically was such an idiot about even the basic concepts of relationships that I bastardized the few that I got into...though I managed to meet someone, (sad as it sounds it was online) and we had a very very close bond for a good 3 years. Unfortunately one of the constantly recurring issues in our relationship was the fact that I, being an NT, never expressed my 'affection' the way she wanted. She of course was really into the physical nature, and despite being an Entp I'm not exactly one for doing stuff in bed almost every night...so since our departure, though still being friends with her, I've reformed my ideals for the kind of person I'd be willing to get into a real relationship with...

Ultimately I think being such a heavy NT type I'd honestly need another NT type...some one else who understand the same mind set, and isn't focused in the relationship about all the physical aspects of the relationship ALL the time. And is instead more into the bonding through the mind. Honestly...If i could, I'd want a wife who would enjoy getting into those playful arguments without spazzing out because she 'thinks I'm always trying to out do her'...

Ya need that person who's not all about the, "his eyes are cute" or "she's got the boobs" sure they can be pluses every once in a while if you are well...getting down with it, but honestly for me it about the intelligence, personality, and the kids, (yesh...if it wasn't for the fact that I want kids I'd probably not even bother with actual deep love marital relationships.)

 

[Ada]

I think this guy said all there is to say re the NT views on love
YouTube - Haddaway-What is Love?

I dunno... "don't hurt me" is more or less a minimal requirement in a love relationship.

Do NT's seek out a minimally-fulfilling relationship? I actually don't think so... I think NT's usually seek out a "mindmate" relationship, something which is DEEPLY fulfilling.


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