[ENTP] How does my ENTP ex get his mojo back?

[statuesquechica]

So, to put it plainly, I am afraid my ex boyfriend has lost his sense of self and that makes me sad.

A little background: I am an INFJ who has been in an on/off again relationship with an ENTP for the past eight years. We care very deeply about each other but it has become evident (for quite some time) that we are better off being friends. What initially attracted me to him was his intelligence, humor, charisma, sexiness, confidence, integrity and kindness. What turned me off was his arrogance, selfishness, sometimes dishonesty, and a seemingly endless push/pull dynamic that is exhausting. And I am all too open to my faults as well, believe me.

I am not posting to rehash what went wrong, or how to make things work between us, but rather to understand what it takes for an ENTP to regain his/her sense of self...he has told me time and again that he is trying to gain this back, something I refer to as his "mojo" for lack of a better word. It is the quintessential essence of the ENTP that is playful, excited about ideas, engaged, funny, and even saying things that make you think WTF?? (which is equally shocking and hilarious).

I try to get him to go out or hang with some gamer friends but he seems very reluctant. He asks me to go to the bar with him and I keep telling him that will make it difficult to talk to new people...he always had such a knack for attracting people (men and women) but now it seems he is lost in that respect. When I do go out with him he only ends up talking to me which defeats the purpose because I can talk to him at home, which I do.

Due to financial constraints and his current lack of funds we have been living together during all these make-ups and break-ups and I'm sure that has been taxing on him (as it has been on me) but I really want him to find some peace and find himself again.

Thoughts?

 

[BlackDog]

His lack of "mojo" might stem from wounds to his self-esteem due to his lack of funds. With guys, a lot of the time it's that simple. If he won some kind of promotion at work (if he has a decent job) or got a better job (if he has a bad job) or got any kind of job (if he is having employment problems); it would probably do wonders for him. There are some people, both men and women but because of cultural expectations perhaps more often men, who measure their own personal success and self-worth by their jobs.

I could be wrong on all of this... it's just some conjectures.

 

[statuesquechica]

Lion 4.5: Thanks for your thoughtful response...I think there is a lot of validity to what you say. Besides, I'm sure it's not easy for him to live with his ex, though we are trying to remain friends.

 

[BlackDog]

Lion 4.5: Thanks for your thoughtful response...I think there is a lot of validity to what you say. Besides, I'm sure it's not easy for him to live with his ex, though we are trying to remain friends.

Picking up on your last sentence, if you don't mind let me ask you about that and this: "We care very deeply about each other but it has become evident (for quite some time) that we are better off being friends."

So, this might just be me reading into things, but it sounds to me like 'we' here might be more of 'I'. What I mean is, this sounds like your perspective for sure, but do you know that it is his as well? Do you know what he thinks, and not just what he says, about your break-up? After eight years, no matter what his attitude is, surely it has to affect him pretty significantly.

 

[statuesquechica]

Lion 4.5: So, in classical 9ish fashion I read your latest comment and had to do some deep reflection on your question...especially the part about knowing what he thinks and not just what he says. I do so often discount my presence and the effect I might have on people (something I read while pondering your comment that really hit me because I can be oblivious to certain dynamics).

In reality, over the course of our relationship, he has initiated several break ups and wants to pack up and move out right then and there . I am upset, obviously, but don't want to be in a relationship that isn't reciprocal so I express my continued support for him and best wishes. I really do want him to find some peace (again, coming from an e9) which would in the end bring me peace. We have separated but always come back together; some kind of enthrallment with one another.

I am really trying to identify my needs versus his needs to get some clarity, which is difficult, definitely a work in progress. The short answer is "no" I don't know what he thinks because he does give so many mixed messages. I know he is grateful for all the support I have given him over they years, but I will be there for him, no matter what. I guess I wanted him to find some kind of sanctuary in life....

Anyway, you make some good points and I appreciate your perspective.

 

[johnnyyukon]

His lack of "mojo" might stem from wounds to his self-esteem due to his lack of funds. With guys, a lot of the time it's that simple.

don't know if you're still interested in input, but

His lack of "mojo" might stem from wounds to his self-esteem due to his lack of funds. With guys, a lot of the time it's that simple.

I think this is profoundly true of any type, and maybe even more so for an Ex type, as they get a lot of self-worth from external goings-on and money is HUGE. Especially for a young, maturing man.

And ENTPs in general, are upbeat, positive people, even if they're morbidly depressed that can hilarious. BUT, man o man, a depressed ENTP without his mojo is like when Superman became human by exposing himself to red Kryptonian sunlight in Superman II.

They are often totally inconsolable and sometimes, they are really the only ones that can heal themselves. Which can be really hard for people that care about them.

 

[Qre:us]

What made him lose himself in the first place?

 

[statuesquechica]

And ENTPs in general, are upbeat, positive people, even if they're morbidly depressed that can hilarious. BUT, man o man, a depressed ENTP without his mojo is like when Superman became human by exposing himself to red Kryptonian sunlight in Superman II.

They are often totally inconsolable and sometimes, they are really the only ones that can heal themselves. Which can be really hard for people that care about them.

Thanks for responding! I am still very much interested in other people's ideas (especially other ENTPs). This bolded part really leapt out at me because as a person that cares very deeply about other people (sometimes too much) this is probably the deepest truth about the situation. Unfortunately, as an e9, I find this one of my greatest struggles...I am so prone to take his problems on as my own and search for some solution, but if he isn't at that point, he will probably view my intent to help as intrusive and that never works.

 

[johnnyyukon]

[/B]

Thanks for responding! I am still very much interested in other people's ideas (especially other ENTPs). This bolded part really leapt out at me because as a person that cares very deeply about other people (sometimes too much) this is probably the deepest truth about the situation. Unfortunately, as an e9, I find this one of my greatest struggles...I am so prone to take his problems on as my own and search for some solution, but if he isn't at that point, he will probably view my intent to help as intrusive and that never works.

The only thing I'll add is he probably does NOT find your intent to help intrusive. I'm sure he really appreciates it. But to him, there's just nothing you can do. I could be wrong, but I myself have been that guy and had a woman try to help, and those were my feelings. Ha, I guess when she really pushed it "things are going to get better, you're gonna be ok, why don't you do this...., do this....." I did get annoyed, but I appreciated it nevertheless.

 

[statuesquechica]

What made him lose himself in the first place?

This is difficult to distill down to one particular event. He is an incredibly resilient person, very resourceful and his charm and intelligence has served him well. To be honest, I think his ENTP qualities have allowed him to survive some very devastating life events, as well as being e7 (in some respects) has served as a useful buffer. We had separated and he received terrible news about his health so I went to his aid, we ended up getting back together (of course). He wavered between getting treatment or not (no insurance) and then lost his job, which definitely plays into his self-worth, even moreso than his health. There are also problems with his refugee status when he came here as a child from Eastern Europe. So, yes, lots of things have happened to him to lose his sense of self.

The thing is, in the past, he seemed able to almost reinvent himself with his incredible ability to scan the environment and attract people that could make things happen. I am just trying to be a support at this time, but sometimes I think he resents my help, so I have pulled back. And I don't know if that helps or hurts the situation.

 

[johnnyyukon]

This is difficult to distill down to one particular event. He is an incredibly resilient person, very resourceful and his charm and intelligence has served him well. To be honest, I think his ENTP qualities have allowed him to survive some very devastating life events, as well as being e7 (in some respects) has served as a useful buffer. We had separated and he received terrible news about his health so I went to his aid, we ended up getting back together (of course). He wavered between getting treatment or not (no insurance) and then lost his job, which definitely plays into his self-worth, even moreso than his health. There are also problems with his refugee status when he came here as a child from Eastern Europe. So, yes, lots of things have happened to him to lose his sense of self.

The thing is, in the past, he seemed able to almost reinvent himself with his incredible ability to scan the environment and attract people that could make things happen. I am just trying to be a support at this time, but sometimes I think he resents my help, so I have pulled back. And I don't know if that helps or hurts the situation.

Jesus. That is one hell of a pickle.

 

[digesthisickness]

I am just trying to be a support at this time, but sometimes I think he resents my help, so I have pulled back. And I don't know if that helps or hurts the situation.

What makes you think he resents it? What does he say, do, etc. that makes you think this?

 

[Winds of Thor]

Seems to me it might be best to try not to be the 'motivator' factoring on his dilemma.
I'd let it roll.
If he's hot for you fuck him. Trust me, that works.

 

[Qre:us]

This is difficult to distill down to one particular event. He is an incredibly resilient person, very resourceful and his charm and intelligence has served him well. To be honest, I think his ENTP qualities have allowed him to survive some very devastating life events, as well as being e7 (in some respects) has served as a useful buffer. We had separated and he received terrible news about his health so I went to his aid, we ended up getting back together (of course). He wavered between getting treatment or not (no insurance) and then lost his job, which definitely plays into his self-worth, even moreso than his health. There are also problems with his refugee status when he came here as a child from Eastern Europe. So, yes, lots of things have happened to him to lose his sense of self.

The thing is, in the past, he seemed able to almost reinvent himself with his incredible ability to scan the environment and attract people that could make things happen. I am just trying to be a support at this time, but sometimes I think he resents my help, so I have pulled back. And I don't know if that helps or hurts the situation.

Have you asked him directly what you can do to help?

If I'm in a funk, nothing and no one can pull me out of it, but me. He probably has some internal milestones, goals, which, if not achieved, it will signify failure (failure to move out of the funk).

If I don't achieve X, I don't deserve to get out of this self-loathing. Penance. Punishment.

I need to want. Have to barely works to motivate me to do the mundane necessities in life. For a whole self-transformation, to move out of my pit of despair, have to won't cut it. It has to be a vehement want to get that shit moving, and the want is usually tied to an internal milestone/achievement. Which energizes me, stimulates me, motivates me, reaffirms my potential, triggers it again. I.e., turns it into kinetic energy. Which, unless achieved....

Tough love, not feeling sorry for me, helps more than sympathising with me. Or trying to act as my cheerleader. "You can do it!!!" would make me want to punch the person in the face, because clearly, my NOT doing it, has resulted in the funkdom. So either they're being obtuse or sarcastic. Neither would go down well with me, when I'm in that state.

 

[johnnyyukon]

Seems to me it might be best to try not to be the 'motivator' factoring on his dilemma.
I'd let it roll.
If he's hot for you fuck him. Trust me, that works.

That is really solid advice, bro.

 

[statuesquechica]

That is really solid advice, bro.

^ok, even though my ex's situation is sooo depressing, this exchange above is fucking hilarious! Love, love, love to all the ENTPs (even though INFJ/ENTP can be a match from hell) I can't help but love your awesomeness!!

 

[johnnyyukon]

^ok, even though my ex's situation is sooo depressing, this exchange above is fucking hilarious! Love, love, love to all the ENTPs (even though INFJ/ENTP can be a match from hell) I can't help but love your awesomeness!!

Weeellll, we do our best : D

 

[johnnyyukon]

^ok, even though my ex's situation is sooo depressing, this exchange above is fucking hilarious! Love, love, love to all the ENTPs (even though INFJ/ENTP can be a match from hell) I can't help but love your awesomeness!!

It's true, we ENTPs can be HELLA fun. But you know the saying, what goes up.....

Icarus is one of my most favorite ENTP archetypes. My life has more or less been a fight to find some kind of balance. Even my avatar, the Knight of Wands. Knights in tarot are of 2 extremes, for wands, or fire, or spirit and primal energy, we can ignite a room with energy, but sometimes, if we're not careful, we can burn down a whole forest.

 

[phdenial]

It's true, we ENTPs can be HELLA fun. But you know the saying, what goes up.....

Icarus is one of my most favorite ENTP archetypes. My life has more or less been a fight to find some kind of balance. Even my avatar, the Knight of Wands. Knights in tarot are of 2 extremes, for wands, or fire, or spirit and primal energy, we can ignite a room with energy, but sometimes, if we're not careful, we can burn down a whole forest.

Sometimes I think I'm the knight of swords. Love the Icarus analogy. I am totally like that. But I'm getting to old too have the ability to grow back wings quickly again on the way down. This time around, I bounced (but only once).

 

[johnnyyukon]

Sometimes I think I'm the knight of swords. Love the Icarus analogy. I am totally like that. But I'm getting to old too have the ability to grow back wings quickly again on the way down. This time around, I bounced (but only once).

Heard that. Swords are more associated with the mind, which is definitely relevant for an ENTP, and myself, but I lean just as much, if not more, on the kinesthetic side.

Edit:
Just for shits and giggles:

Light and Dark

Knight of Wands:
CHARMING……….SUPERFICIAL
SELF-CONFIDENT……….COCKY
DARING……….FOOLHARDY
ADVENTUROUS……….RESTLESS
PASSIONATE……….HOT-TEMPERED

Knight of Swords
DIRECT……….BLUNT
AUTHORITATIVE……….OVERBEARING
INCISIVE……….CUTTING
KNOWLEDGEABLE……….OPINIONATED
LOGICAL……….UNFEELING