[INTJ] INTJs and relationship pace

[hurricaneviper]

I met this woman on Facebook who told me she was an INTJ. We started talking for a few days and she invited me to go on a hiking trip, even though we had yet to meet in person. I got to her house at about 5:30 AM, we got back from the journey around midnight, and then she invited me back into her apartment until I left around 1:30 AM to go home. She told me she was free this Thursday, and I want to ask her out on a date rather than have it be just a "hang out". Should I just come right out and ask her?

 

[lue]

I met this woman on Facebook who told me she was an INTJ. We started talking for a few days and she invited me to go on a hiking trip, even though we had yet to meet in person. I got to her house at about 5:30 AM, we got back from the journey around midnight, and then she invited me back into her apartment until I left around 1:30 AM to go home. She told me she was free this Thursday, and I want to ask her out on a date rather than have it be just a "hang out". Should I just come right out and ask her?

Yes you should. Her hanging out with you for that long is a good indicator of interest, in my opinion. And direct is always a good way to go (well, at least it is with me).

Good luck.

 

[hurricaneviper]

She said no.

 

[lue]

She said no.

Bummer. Sorry about that.

 

[Metamorphosis]

I agree with some of what the other INTJs on here have been saying. I do like having my relationships categorized although I don't really think about that at the time. I've seen on here quite a few times that people just think that INTJs don't invest because they're afraid of getting hurt but I would say it's frequently the opposite. I don't want the other person to expect more from me than I'm willing to give them. This can be especially problematic because we so rarely reveal our emotional state that when we express interest in someone they can think that it's more than it really is. I do agree, however, that once the decision is made to have a serious relationship the commitment is real. Honestly, though, if I'm not interested in dating someone right off the bat (as opposed to a more casual/sexual relationship) then I probably won't ever be, even if I seem to be straddling that line. Admittedly it can take awhile to qualify someone, but it doesn't take very long to disqualify someone.

 

[Zarathustra]

She said no.

Keep hanging out with her.

 

[Misty_Mountain_Rose]

Mine took a year. Once he did decide though, there was no if, but or wait. Logistically, he picked the worst timing and i even offered to wait till that period was over but he wouldnt hear it. Once they are ready, things start moving very quickly and there is no turning back. As hesitant and practical as they were before, thats how decisive and unphased they get by any practical issue once the target has been identified and vetted. The switch was kind of disorienting and sudden, in a good way, as i remember it.

lol, I can relate to this in a big way. I think when I was dating I (...more than once) made a guy second guess things because that switch happened from me being nonchalant and reserved to being "all in". The only times it ended up in an actual standing relationship were when they were "all in" before I was. The others were like "WTF just happened and who are you??"

I would seriously question someone who gave me a job - or embarked with me on a serious relationship - without careful consideration and thought. I actually find interviews rather useful. They give me the opportunity to check out the "employer" as the employer is checking out me.

I had a pretty well defined mental checklist of what I required in my future husband when I was dating. My husband thinks it's funny... he had me write it down once before we got married and we thought about printing it out and bringing it to the wedding lol We also did his... it was much shorter.

I agree with some of what the other INTJs on here have been saying. I do like having my relationships categorized although I don't really think about that at the time. I've seen on here quite a few times that people just think that INTJs don't invest because they're afraid of getting hurt but I would say it's frequently the opposite. I don't want the other person to expect more from me than I'm willing to give them. This can be especially problematic because we so rarely reveal our emotional state that when we express interest in someone they can think that it's more than it really is. I do agree, however, that once the decision is made to have a serious relationship the commitment is real. Honestly, though, if I'm not interested in dating someone right off the bat (as opposed to a more casual/sexual relationship) then I probably won't ever be, even if I seem to be straddling that line. Admittedly it can take awhile to qualify someone, but it doesn't take very long to disqualify someone.

I could have written all of this paragraph myself, and particularly the bold part. Eliminating people was easy. Finding ones worth investigating... not so much.

 

[Coriolis]

I had a pretty well defined mental checklist of what I required in my future husband when I was dating. My husband thinks it's funny... he had me write it down once before we got married and we thought about printing it out and bringing it to the wedding lol We also did his... it was much shorter.

This is funny, and is actually how my INTP and I "proposed" to each other. After we had been dating for the better part of a year, we decided to compare checklists, and finding them substantially the same, we thought it made sense to commit to each other.