How does he talk down to you?
Usually in situations like this, I've found that there are mutual misunderstandings going on. There are a few things you've said in this thread that indicate that you hold certain beliefs that, if expressed, would contribute to the conflict, not ameliorate it and reach the kind of resolution you want.
When it comes to this roommate (which I've moved out now, btw), what I've come to discover is he basically wants someone to help pay the rent because he cannot afford to on his own, but doesn't actually want them in his home. He wants someone who will follow his insane rules and not put forth any of their own. He crosses the line when he is upset. I don't think I explained it clearly in my original post, but the first fight we ever got into was because I didn't take out the trash. Now, I pulled more than my own weight around the house. Washed all the dishes, vacuumed regularly, and take out the trash, and so forth. But he flipped his lip when I didn't take out the trash one night. He told me to "SIT DOWN. SHUT UP. And listen!" Then proceeded to tell me that my problem was I let everything go in one ear and out the other, called me irresponsible, and while yelling at me he accused me of going through his things. When I told him I had no clue what he was talking about, he said I was a terrible liar. Then he mentioned I should probably start looking for a new place to live. I went to my bedroom to get away from him. He came into my room and then said that when I do find a place to live that I BETTER leave a 60 day notice and that if I didn't he would sue me and that his lawyers would be better than mine because his family has money and so forth. It was the most absurd thing I had ever had to listen to. Especially considering it was all over not taking the trash out one time. I had to stop and ask him if all of this had to do with my ability to keep the house straightened up and trash OR if it was actually because he just didn't like me? He said we had clashing personalities. However, he doesn't seem to get along with anyone. His previous roommate, who he would speak praise of to me, also said that he was absolutely insane and intolerable. Now, this isn't my opinion on most INTP's. I've known other INTPs. I've lived with one other INTP. I normally like INTP's, though we do see things very differently. This particular person has some sort of mental imbalance.
It seems to me that you want him to be "more normal"' like you, because you pity him, and you want to get rid of that feeling of pity. I suppose that's fine, but have you ever entertained his opinions on the matter? Seems to me that if you're trying to help someone, their opinions should enter into it.
Don't approach him as a superior he can "learn something from." I assure you, you wouldn't be the first person to do that. Approach him as an equal. If you're going to prod him to be more social, because you think it would be for his own benefit, you're probably going to need to do it differently than you've been doing it.
His opinions are more emotionally fueled than I've ever seen for an INTP. He's a very intellectual NT type, but he has a lot of seething anger. His points and opinions in his arguments with me are always unrelated to the actual subject at hand, which is why I have difficulty taking him seriously. When angry, I'm far more logical than he is. I stick to the actual argument at hand and never resort to slander and name calling, even when he belittles me as a person. If he rants at me for long periods of time, I usually finally say at the end of it, "You realize you're completely out of your mind, right?"
I wonder if what you see as "talking down" is just his attempts to find the root cause of all this.
Definitely not. He's not trying to get to the root of anything. For example, when I was moving out, he told me I could just keep the key because he was going to change the lock anyways. While packing, he came up to me and mentioned an item that I had accidentally packed and said that he actually was the one to buy it and that I could just give him the $1.50 for it. I assumed the item was mine because each time I had used this particular item in the past, he would criticize me for using it. (It was the powder shake stuff you put on the carpet before vacuuming. He said it was bad for the pets.) He even brought the receipt as his proof. I told him I simply assumed it was one of my items since he had always criticized the use of the item and that I'd bring it back instead. Then later on he mentioned a can of chicken broth was missing and that I must have packed it. Also, not a big deal to me. I told him I'll just bring it back. I do most of the cooking around the house and had frequently made chicken soup, and assumed it was mine. Then while I was packing up the room and loading up the truck, he kept going in my room and moving things around. A print of a painting that I had in my room went missing during this process. He denied taking it, but there is simply no other explanation. Then after we packed up the truck, he slammed the door behind me and cut the porch light off. By the time I made it to the car and looked at the house again, he was back at the door and already changing the door lock. By the time I got to my new home that night, I texted him to remind him that I still had one car full of stuff to pick up. The fridge stuff. At some point during that conversation he texted in all caps, "YOU DUMB A$$ B1TCH! You took the paper towels, too???" A bit extreme for an accidental mistake. Same with the other stuff, he just had to mention it and I'd bring it right back. It was another one of those items where he always criticized my use of it. He said paper towels were wasteful and that he only ever used his kitchen towels and not paper towels. It was the exact same print and brand of the last paper towels I had bought for the house. I simply assumed I must have purchased them. He then said that I should call him when I'm ready to get my fridge stuff the next day, and he'll have it packed and ready for me to hand off to me at the door OR better yet I could meet him somewhere else. The next day, I brought all the mentioned items to hand off to him. He laughed in my face for bringing them back, as if I were the one acting ridiculous when he was the one who texted me calling me names over just a few cheap items. He tried to refuse to take them, so I just threw the items past him in the house and told him I didn't want them if he is going to act that way about it.
I would suggest framing it as a pracitical thing, rather than as a moral thing of what "people are supposed to do." He probably sees that as something like you talking down to him.
I've never mentioned anything to him in regards to what he should or shouldn't do. He's a 35 year old supposed man. He has a penchant for being condescending. My way of talking back would be, for example, when he comes up to me and says, "Move over, sweety" in his very condescending tone and I fire back with, "It's not 'man's work.' I think I can handle it." He tried to say I would break the fuse box.
Also, I think being upset about being "called out on his crap" is something that is pretty universal, and not unique to INTPs. I'm sure you do it, too. If you get upset when you are called out on your crap, why shouldn't he? Because it makes you uncomfortable when he does it?
I don't think you understood the situation. xSFP's, especially ISFP's aren't naturally inclined to walk around telling others what to do. This particular person would micromanage everything I did at home. Down to how I cooked my food, how I vacuumed, how I cleaned and filled the litter box, the type of litter I bought, the type of cleaners I bought, the type of laundry detergent, dish detergent, candles, etc that I bought. He would either criticize the types of items I bought or would tell me to next time buy the type that he likes. The first few times, I let it slide. But over time, it became ridiculous. When I was moving in and put one of my lamps in the living room, he flipped and asked, "So what do you plan on doing with this lamp?" He got angry with me when I bought a new desk because I didn't give him the exact date I planned on bringing the desk home. He lied to me when I wanted to have a girlfriend over one night, and said he had to work at 5:30 the next day, so we couldn't do it. Basically, I was not actually allowed to live there. My bedroom became so crowded because none of my items were welcomed in the house. Over time, I began calling him out on THAT TYPE of crap. And he did not like it. And he began to talk down to me because of it.
I hope you don't bring this up, because he is almost certainly not going to listen this. Why would he? "Oh, I admit that I suck, and let me start not sucking from now on, even though the things I need to not suck make me really uncomfortable?" Do you really expect him to react that way? You're basically trolling his inferior Fe, whether you intend to or not.
Do you like being told that everyone thinks you suck, and that your suckiness is an objective fact? (or maybe it's not suckiness, but rather, being scatter-brained.)
I don't think SFPs understand people as well as they claim they do, and it's stuff like this that makes me think so. SFPs are just good at not caring what people who "don't matter" think. This gives them confidence, which does give them an advantage in many social situations, but when it comes to interpersonal conflicts, well, let's just say that even a "robot" like me gets that people don't like being told that everyone thinks they suck.
I've never been the type to spitefully throw in someone else's face, "You know people don't like you, right?" I'm not even sure where you assumed I would have said that. I also think you're seeing too much of yourself in this persons shoes. I assure you, he's not like most INTP's I've met, which is why I started this thread trying to figure out possible mental imbalances.
