[INTJ] Ask an INTJ

[rav3n]

Yeah... Sometimes in my leveraging, I can turn that self-frustration on somebody else via weapons-grade sarcasm and cutting remarks. Generally I'll just be an ass if I do that, and I'm not ever proud of what happens when I do. It's not their fault I'm feeling this way, I have to remind myself.
And, of course, I'll start to get paranoid and project bad motives onto people that don't really feel hostile towards me... Though I'm not sure if that's just me being a 6 that affects that particular (mis)usage of Se.

Thanks very much. You've really helped to clarify an INTJ's actions for me!

 

[Coriolis]

What do you INTJ's most appreciate/need in times when you are really really down and upset about things, feel you've screwed something up, and have reached a point of near-apathy as a result? (after having gone through frustration/extreme anger?) What don't you appreciate/what does not help? (this is specifically work related for him, but you can take this and apply it to your life in general, because for him, it all ties together anyway).

I know what I have done in similar situations in the past, I am just wondering if it actually IS what you most need so would like to hear your thoughts.

Physical comfort from my SO is good, without the need to talk. This gives me my mental space, but lets me feel (literally) I'm not alone. I can be snapped out of it temporarily by a crisis or other serious need, but the effect isn't lasting unless my mind in the background has already managed to find the seeds of a solution. As others have said, enjoyable and engaging distractions can be good. The best way to get over the situation, though, is to address whatever caused it, and that is usually something I have do to on my own.

I usually hate for people to offer suggestions to me, since I rarely hear anything I haven't already considered and discounted for good reason. Now I have to waste time and energy explaining all that to them. Better for them just to leave me alone. A good suggestion would, indeed, be welcome but is very rare.

 

[knight]

Dating an INTJ


what are some things to expect?

 

[Virtual ghost]

How does an INTJ break out of a Ni-Fi loop?

Maybe it is just me but I am much more often in Ni-Te loop.
(if that is what you are asking)

 

[InvisibleJim]

Maybe it is just me but I am much more often in Ni-Te loop.
(if that is what you are asking)

What is actually being asked is...

Why was I so dumb to listen to simulatedworld?

 

[MacGuffin]

Yeah... Sometimes in my leveraging, I can turn that self-frustration on somebody else via weapons-grade sarcasm and cutting remarks. Generally I'll just be an ass if I do that, and I'm not ever proud of what happens when I do. It's not their fault I'm feeling this way, I have to remind myself.
And, of course, I'll start to get paranoid and project bad motives onto people that don't really feel hostile towards me... Though I'm not sure if that's just me being a 6 that affects that particular (mis)usage of Se.

Oh nice, excellent answer.

 

[ceecee]

Yeah... Sometimes in my leveraging, I can turn that self-frustration on somebody else via weapons-grade sarcasm and cutting remarks. Generally I'll just be an ass if I do that, and I'm not ever proud of what happens when I do. It's not their fault I'm feeling this way, I have to remind myself.
And, of course, I'll start to get paranoid and project bad motives onto people that don't really feel hostile towards me... Though I'm not sure if that's just me being a 6 that affects that particular (mis)usage of Se.

This is an excellent way of describing it. I always think of it like teenage angst wrapped in a conspiracy theory while Paranoia by the Kinks plays in the background.

What I do for myself:
"What the [expletive] do you think you're doing, moping around about some [expletive] [expletive] of a [problem]? This does not matter to you! You're [expletive] better than this, and you're not going to let this [expletive] [problem] get you down. Now stop feeling sorry for yourself and go do something productive, you [expletive] [expletive] [expletive]."

Right.

 

[Engineer]

Not to be all... finger-pointy? I suppose is the correct term... but a fairly good example of what I just mentioned would be InvisibleJim's recent attack of the nasties. Any of the mods should be pretty familiar with this, and I myself was quite surprised to see him act out like that. In my opinion, he's going through a similar situation that I too went through a couple months ago, but attacking people online instead of people in real life (like I did). Behavior's still inexcusable, but perhaps now it's a bit understandable...

 

[Fluffywolf]

Hi INTJ's,

What would you consider to be a good question asked to you?

More questions may follow depending on your answer.

 

[cascadeco]

What I do for myself:
"What the [expletive] do you think you're doing, moping around about some [expletive] [expletive] of a [problem]? This does not matter to you! You're [expletive] better than this, and you're not going to let this [expletive] [problem] get you down. Now stop feeling sorry for yourself and go do something productive, you [expletive] [expletive] [expletive]."

Oh yes... I'm familiar with this. This is definitely what he does! But him beating himself up ends up furthering the downward spiral. He really gets down about himself sometimes.

What I like from others (female, close):
"There, there." [hug] "Let's sit down and talk about this, and I'll suggest a few solutions tentatively while you lean on my shoulder, both physically and figuratively. You don't have to be my rock all the time. I'm here for you."

This is generally what I tend to do. I mostly listen. He tends not to want suggestions, simply because as Coriolis alluded to, he has spent all his waking hours thinking through all of the various things anyway; and, I know he knows far more of the situation and what would/wouldn't work than I do, AND what HE actually wants. The physical touch/presence thing only works though when we actually have plans to see each other. Since we don't live together, the random hug isn't really possible... which is too bad because I think that can help.

The particular situation that is causing him distress has been going on for quite a long time, and he has talked about it over the past year; he's been open about it and I know how much it upsets him/affects him. He's been in a bit of a limbo state regarding all of it too for a while... which adds to the stress. He's still figuring out what exactly he wants/needs to do regarding it. It is only the recent sh*t-hit-the-fan element of it that has completely put him near the end of his rope, I think, and he has totally pulled back and states he does NOT want to talk about it because it's 'nothing new' and he doesn't want to see or talk to anyone. So, I'm giving him space. I don't think there's anything else I can do at this point. He's isolating himself very firmly.

(which honestly...isn't terribly unknown to me. As an INFJ e5, I am quite familiar with this tendency - this desire to go into my cave and figure everything out on my own. What is different is that even if I push people away, if they still show that they want to see me, then I want them and I want that presence. That melts me. It's like he hits these walls where he doesn't want anything to do with anyone, in whatever capacity...he's so hard on himself. )

 

[Rex]

Dating an INTJ


what are some things to expect?

He will be at hes wierdest in the beginning and then become more "normal" after a while..
Hugely depending on how you respond to hes humor and such.

If hes wierd your doing good.

 

[Coriolis]

The physical touch/presence thing only works though when we actually have plans to see each other. Since we don't live together, the random hug isn't really possible... which is too bad because I think that can help.

. . . he has totally pulled back and states he does NOT want to talk about it because it's 'nothing new' and he doesn't want to see or talk to anyone. So, I'm giving him space. I don't think there's anything else I can do at this point. He's isolating himself very firmly.

(which honestly...isn't terribly unknown to me. As an INFJ e5, I am quite familiar with this tendency - this desire to go into my cave and figure everything out on my own. What is different is that even if I push people away, if they still show that they want to see me, then I want them and I want that presence. That melts me. It's like he hits these walls where he doesn't want anything to do with anyone, in whatever capacity...he's so hard on himself. )

I can speak only for myself, but - were I in the situation you describe, I would absolutely want my SO's presence, especially if we generally lived apart. I might not want suggestions, or conversation, or conventional gestures of sympathy. I would want the simple comfort of their presence, of knowing that I was important enough for them to just pick up and come (and perhaps that that part of my life at least wasn't in disarray). It would also be good if they could drag me out to do something that they know from experience will be a massive distraction, at least for the day, or the weekend, or whatever was manageable.

That being said, I would probably deny wanting any of this, and even get upset at my SO for doing it, but I would go along with it, and feel better in the end, and be grateful. Only you can tell whether this would work with your SO. I just wanted to point out, however, that all the isolation and rejection of company after a point becomes an irrational response, and (1) isn't what we really want/need, and (2) shouldn't be enabled.

 

[Malice]

Dear INTJs: What are some key giveaways that you are in love without you openly saying so?

 

[Coriolis]

If I don't want you to know, you will be hard put to find any.

If you are the object of my affections and I don't want to keep you completely in the dark, you will find me making time in my schedule for you, speaking occasionally of personal topics, taking the opportunity to do helpful things for you, and being more tolerant of things that usually bother me when other people do them (e.g. showing up late for appointments). I will do most of this for close platonic friends, however, so one should pay particulary close attention to the content of our discussions. I have been known to do something creative and off-the-wall for (or to) a new romantic interest. If I give someone that much of my attention, it is a good sign. You would be unwise to make assumptions, however, until I tell you something specific.

 

[Engineer]

Dear INTJs: What are some key giveaways that you are in love without you openly saying so?

If I don't want you to know, you will be hard put to find any.

If you are the object of my affections and I don't want to keep you completely in the dark, you will find me making time in my schedule for you, speaking occasionally of personal topics, taking the opportunity to do helpful things for you, and being more tolerant of things that usually bother me when other people do them (e.g. showing up late for appointments). I will do most of this for close platonic friends, however, so one should pay particulary close attention to the content of our discussions. I have been known to do something creative and off-the-wall for (or to) a new romantic interest. If I give someone that much of my attention, it is a good sign. You would be unwise to make assumptions, however, until I tell you something specific.

Basically exactly what Coriolis said. We act more like human beings towards you.
However, since I'm a t6, I felt the need to expound upon his already-excellent description. Building off of all these other things, I will definitely be concerned for you, or worry about how you're doing. So I'll make a check on you from time to time, whether through subtle means (I'll walk a route that seems straightforward, but actually detours so I can make sure I run into you) or not so subtle means (texting you, calling-- though that's very, very rare). INTJs, I feel, will view you as a responsibility when they're romantically attached to you-- one that they enjoy having, mind you, but a responsibility nonetheless.

And if we don't want you to know, good luck with finding out. Unless you're a very, very nosy (or cute/sexy) E-type.

 

[Malice]

And if we don't want you to know, good luck with finding out. Unless you're a very, very nosy (or cute/sexy) E-type.

So this being said, how annoying is it for an INTJ to be paired with a cute/sexy/nosey E-type that frequently asks what it is they're thinking about?

 

[ceecee]

So this being said, how annoying is it for an INTJ to be paired with a cute/sexy/nosey E-type that frequently asks what it is they're thinking about?

We'll humor you some but this gets super grating. I hope you don't mind the answer to that in a text or IM conversation. Also don't get offended when we're thinking something no where near what you had in mind.

I also should add the - are you ok/mad?? thing...don't do it. Please.

 

[Malice]

Haha I fail so hard at the 'are you ok/mad' thing But I'll keep this in mind with my INTJ interactions and try to tone it down. Thanks.

 

[Nicodemus]

My mother (ESFJ) said a few days ago that she has to ask me questions (which she knows annoy me) because otherwise she would know nothing about me. The truth is that I would rather talk to her without being interviewed. I told her so before, but apparently that does not really matter.

 

[ceecee]

Haha I fail so hard at the 'are you ok/mad' thing But I'll keep this in mind with my INTJ interactions and try to tone it down. Thanks.

Try this. My ENFJ usually sends me something like this instead of asking. Even I can't resist a funny.