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[INTJ] Ask an INTJ

Misty_Mountain_Rose

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okay since we're on the topic of relationships with INTJs. . . might as well chip in for questions.

Needless to say any further, I am another sensitive INFP who's fallen for a strongass INTJ. She's very strong especially on the I T and J. Less so for N.

We're approaching our graduation ball, and I think she's off to the UK or staying in Hong Kong for university. I am staying in Hong Kong for university.

So INTJ women/men, put yourself in her shoes for a moment and if someone relatively close to you said this to you during the graduation ball how would you react? Her name in this case is Gillian.

<Normally before graduation ball, there is time for people to take photos and generally chit chat. This is when I approach her wherever she is.>

"Hey Gillian!" <her response should be 'hey'> "Can you come with me somewhere more private for about a minute? I have something to ask you about unis and the future."

<Ideally, we can find somewhere private and nice to sit down>

"Okay so, don't freak out now. <without stopping for any pause> wo dui ni yau gan jue <Chinese for 'I have feelings for you'>"

<At this point, she'll either freak out and leave or she'll stay and listen. Given that she stays and listens for a bit longer>

"I'm telling you this now because I want to be genuine and honest with you. I don't want us to dissolve into nothing and never breathe a word to one another ever again after this ball. I am pretty sure that with our introverted personalities, we'll lose contact as soon as you're in the UK, and I didn't want that to happen without you knowing this single piece of information. <pause for a bit, but not long, In a very soft tone now> Sometimes I wish that I could help you a bit more. Like maths for example. You always needed help for it, but I was never able to give any. For any of your other subjects, it was probably I who needed the help more than you did! <smile slightly. Pace a bit faster now> But perhaps that's exactly the reason why I enjoy your company. <short pause awaiting her response. If she has no response. . .> "I know we won't have much chance being together, we have, afterall, only a few months left. What do you think/how do you feel (not sure which one)? I've always wanted to hear your thoughts."

<end>


So, given that we're quite good friends, how would you react? Any room for improvements?


I can't speak for all the INTJ women (maybe this just applies to people in general?), but honestly, say it how you want, but maybe preface it with 'You don't have to respond right now and we can talk about this later... but...'

After you've had your say, if she seems like she doesn't have a ready response, let her off the hook for a bit so she can think about what you said. She'll think about it, trust me. Depending on how patient you are, you could give her a specific time when you two can meet up and discuss, or you can tell her to get back to you when she is ready. (The second one would make me more nervous than the first.)

She may not take you up on your offer to wait... in which case she'll dive right in to her response. If she does that, she's probably already thought about this possibility (to a great extent) and knows her answer. If she does this, take her at her word. My guess is if she's true to form, she won't give a solid answer unless she's thought it through. If she's blindsided by it and hasn't considered the possibility before, she'll need time to process.

Just my two-cents :cheese:
 

INTP

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do you get teased alot? i dont mean in a nasty way. this came in my mind when we were hanging with my INTJ friend and two friends of his from his work place and they told that he gets alot of teasing at his work place due to his oblivious nature about anything that isnt based on concrete facts. i have teased him alot about it too during the 12 years i have known him, he says that im trolling him all the time. funny thing is that he wasnt even aware of how much people tease him at work because he is so oblivious about it too.
 

Owlesque

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The only thing I get teased about (at least to my face) is my stony expression. Someone at work called me Grumpy behind my back for a couple of months, and he was hilariously mortified when it got back to me though I was completely indifferent. Nobody has dared to say anything worse yet, lol. One of my (apparently masochistic) coworkers does have a habit of getting me to fire off sharp comments by purposely acting irrationally and/or stupid when I'm around, though, which is fun.
 

Automator

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I don't get teased. That could just be because I'm not aware of it either.
 

EJCC

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Both of the INTJs I'm friends with have tendencies to be incredibly negative - to focus only on the bad things that happen to them (which might be Ni? because my INFJ friends do that too), or to focus only on what people are doing wrong (which could be Te?).

My question is: Is that common with INTJs? I know that INTJs will ALWAYS call people out on their bullshit (and I like that about them), but is there usually some positivity that counterbalances it? Is it because I know them well, that they stop being cheerful and start venting? I don't quite get it :(
 

Coriolis

Si vis pacem, para bellum
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At the risk of greatly oversimplifying: INTJs love to fix and improve things, but things that are already going well don't need fixing, and improvements aren't urgent. This probably causes us to focus more on the negatives than the positives, since these are the things that stand out as requiring more immediate attention. The positive that counterbalances this is that the INTJ usually has ideas on how to address negative situations, however urgent or dire, and may even be ready and willing to implement them.
 

EJCC

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At the risk of greatly oversimplifying: INTJs love to fix and improve things, but things that are already going well don't need fixing, and improvements aren't urgent. This probably causes us to focus more on the negatives than the positives, since these are the things that stand out as requiring more immediate attention. The positive that counterbalances this is that the INTJ usually has ideas on how to address negative situations, however urgent or dire, and may even be ready and willing to implement them.
OK... so it's just like with ESTJs then :laugh: i.e. lots of helpful Te, but not enough F to understand that they sound negative and pessimistic all the time. (And if you were oversimplifying, I did so much worse than you, right there. :blush: )
 

highlander

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Both of the INTJs I'm friends with have tendencies to be incredibly negative - to focus only on the bad things that happen to them (which might be Ni? because my INFJ friends do that too), or to focus only on what people are doing wrong (which could be Te?).

My question is: Is that common with INTJs? I know that INTJs will ALWAYS call people out on their bullshit (and I like that about them), but is there usually some positivity that counterbalances it? Is it because I know them well, that they stop being cheerful and start venting? I don't quite get it :(

OK... so it's just like with ESTJs then :laugh: i.e. lots of helpful Te, but not enough F to understand that they sound negative and pessimistic all the time. (And if you were oversimplifying, I did so much worse than you, right there. :blush: )

Another way to look at this is that your perception is that they are being negative. Are they really being negative? How does one define that? They actually might be quite positive about a situation overall but are simply focusing on those items that can be improved upon. I have noticed this at times over the years that there are certain people who perceive my tendency to look for areas of improvement as negative but it is not the majority of people by any stretch of the imagination who feel this way. When it happens, I am usually surprised and a little annoyed. I feel like saying, "No - you're missing the point. There is just this one thing that needs improving. Stop getting in the way of that."

One way to look at this is that it has something to do with projection. That is, you are noticing this critical attitude they have, which mirrors your own behavior at times, yet you have difficulty admitting. We all do this and when we do, we exaggerate the negative quality in the other.
 

guesswho

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Questions for INTJs:

How much time do you spend planning.. let's say..on an average day?
Do you stick to your plans?
Do they make you feel more comfortable?
Have you ever tried not planning anything at all, to see where it gets you?
Do you plan conversations?
Can you relate to most people, on an intellectual level? Or even in simple conversations?
 

highlander

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How much time do you spend planning.. let's say..on an average day?

Not much on average. It goes in spurts. I can spend hours or nothing at all.

Do you stick to your plans?

Some - religiously. Others, not very well. I tend to be too ambitious with what I expect of myself and realistic on what I can expect of others.

Do they make you feel more comfortable?

Plans? Sure!!! They're great. I don't like chaos and disorganization.

Have you ever tried not planning anything at all, to see where it gets you?

I don't plan a lot of things. You can't operate in life trying to plan everything. I don't plan weekends at all for instance. On weekends, I enjoy not having pressure to do anything in particular. In business, I do see how some people are quite effective in flying by the seat of their pants. I like to be prepared. That isn't necessarily all planning though.

Do you plan conversations?

Sometimes yes. If I'm trying to convince somebody of something or have to talk through a difficult issue, I can plan out what I'm going to say in advance.

Can you relate to most people, on an intellectual level? Or even in simple conversations?

I don't know what you mean.
 

EJCC

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Another way to look at this is that your perception is that they are being negative. Are they really being negative? How does one define that? They actually might be quite positive about a situation overall but are simply focusing on those items that can be improved upon. I have noticed this at times over the years that there are certain people who perceive my tendency to look for areas of improvement as negative but it is not the majority of people by any stretch of the imagination who feel this way. When it happens, I am usually surprised and a little annoyed. I feel like saying, "No - you're missing the point. There is just this one thing that needs improving. Stop getting in the way of that."
I'm certain that you're right :) But the problem is, no one knows that you think ANYTHING is positive, if you don't mention that. I have the same issue :doh:

Of course, I didn't just mean criticism of other people. I also meant a trait that the INTJs I know share with the INFJs I know, which is, if you say "Tell me about your day", they will pretty much entirely talk about the bad things. Or if you ask them to define their month for you, they'll define it in terms of the bad things that happened to them, instead of the good things. I know that's a human tendency in general, but the INTJs I know seem to really enjoy venting. :laugh: And only one of those INTJs will actually admit that she's venting. In the meantime, I can't help but start to think "Oh my god, my INTJ friend has such a shitty life! Does ANYTHING good happen to her?!?" But I really have to pry her to get any positive information out of her - otherwise, she'll just talk about bad things.

Again, this is probably just my experience, but there you go.
 

guesswho

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I asked that because I know 1 INTJ guy who's really brainy and thinks most people are dumb, and will occasionally try to prove his theory right when he meets other people lol. But he's a computer programmer so I think that has more to do with his attitude than his MBTI type.

INTJs do seem quite the opposite of ENTPs in the way they deal with things. But their perspective seems quite similar. I find that really interesting.

-I usually don't make any plans, I'll just start doing things when I feel I should do them, and most of the time when I do something I don't do for a specific goal, just to have fun.
-I will stick to my plans when there's fun involved.
-I will do my best to disturb the natural order of things
-If I have an appointment at a specific hour I'll often wonder throughout the day...wait...what if I'll be sleepy? What if I won't feel like doing that? What if I have already planned something else and forgot about it? What if I won't feel like going out at that specific hour?
-I pretty much enjoy chaos and fluctuation, and will occasionally take unnecessary risks
-I speak out loud, sometimes with a brutal and unnecessary honesty
-I act on impulses, dumb impulses.
-I've improvised my way trough a lot of stuff, and it was fun


But I've reached the conclusion that you can't achieve much if you are not balanced overall (I'm talking about the J/P thing), so I'll try changing for the 35212th time.
 

highlander

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I'm certain that you're right :) But the problem is, no one knows that you think ANYTHING is positive, if you don't mention that. I have the same issue :doh:

Of course, I didn't just mean criticism of other people. I also meant a trait that the INTJs I know share with the INFJs I know, which is, if you say "Tell me about your day", they will pretty much entirely talk about the bad things. Or if you ask them to define their month for you, they'll define it in terms of the bad things that happened to them, instead of the good things. I know that's a human tendency in general, but the INTJs I know seem to really enjoy venting. :laugh: And only one of those INTJs will actually admit that she's venting. In the meantime, I can't help but start to think "Oh my god, my INTJ friend has such a shitty life! Does ANYTHING good happen to her?!?" But I really have to pry her to get any positive information out of her - otherwise, she'll just talk about bad things.

Again, this is probably just my experience, but there you go.

Actually, you're probably right. I'll have to think about that.
 

Coriolis

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OK... so it's just like with ESTJs then :laugh: i.e. lots of helpful Te, but not enough F to understand that they sound negative and pessimistic all the time. (And if you were oversimplifying, I did so much worse than you, right there. :blush: )

I think the Ni/Te combination sees how much better something could be, and how to get there. The F most likely to come into play is Fi, which is all about internal values. Since most INTJs value making the world a better place (in our own way, at least), our F just eggs us on, rather than encouraging us to hold our tongues. Put another way, seeing and sharing how something could be made better might in fact seem positive to us, since as Highlander suggests, negativity and positivity are in the eye of the beholder.
 

Coriolis

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How much time do you spend planning.. let's say..on an average day?
It depends on what I am currently involved in and what I have coming up. Hours on some days, minutes on others.

Do you stick to your plans?
For the most part, but then my plans have built in flexibility, if that makes any sense. There are often decision points where I reassess circumstances and goals, there are usually contingencies for handling potential problems, and if a true crisis or unparalleled opportunity comes up, I can usually reinvent the whole plan on a dime if I see that would be beneficial.

Do they make you feel more comfortable?
I do feel more comfortable having plans, but there is sometimes some level of tension while waiting to see how they will play out.

Have you ever tried not planning anything at all, to see where it gets you?
Not where it concerns anything important. As someone else said, I don't always plan weekend or vacation days. Sometimes this is fun and relaxing, but occasionally I am haunted by the feeling that the day has escaped me, I have nothing to show for it, and I let circumstances drive me rather than the reverse. Of course, when this happens there is no one to blame but myself.

Do you plan conversations?
I plan most phone conversations, but only those face-to-face conversations that are very important.

Can you relate to most people, on an intellectual level? Or even in simple conversations? No, I cannot relate to most people on an intellectual level, if only because many people seem uninterested in relating this way. I try to get what I need from simple conversations, and move on.
 

Thisica

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What role does inferior Se play in your temperament. And also, how do you reconcile your allegiance to an NT type in general with your Intuition being so preponderous over Thinking.

In short, how do you, as an NT treat the idea of yourself being so much more intuitive than analytical? Do you see this as potentially problematic, as I could imagine that you--as an NT probably want to have an analytical and dispassionate approach to life.

Se usually kicks in when I overreact to things that I shouldn't, like some random word that apparently looks weird: at one time, I kept on seeing the word 'law' as if it wasn't the right spelling, and then kidded myself on that :) If it's something stressful, I get a tightening of the chest that can be easily mistaken for heartburn. In short: it keeps me on the ground, rather than 'up' in the heavens.

As for reconciling the analytical with the intuitive: I insist on asking questions, so as to not fall for the illusion of knowledge that I get from Ni (!). Even then, I still fall for that temptation to the intuitive "know it all" attitude.
 

Within

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How do you stay motivated to perform during your studies/job? I don't need to motivate myself, generally. Because of the simple fact that I study because I enjoy it. That pure feeling of discovery is all the incentive I need in order to continue.

Do you usually know what your next step will be? i.e. are you usually confident in your next move? Yes, usually. I sometimes like to think of life as a chess board. I tend to treat my actions accordingly.

Are you careful about your hair and do your eyes look sleepy and distant? Well, I like to have my hair in order. It's unlikely that you will notice any growth because I dye my hair compulsively when I start to notice it.
When I do routine stuff like going to school or other planned activites I tend to have a very aware and present stare. But if someone would drop by unannounced it would be a completely different matter. It would breech my shell and I'd have problems making eye contact and even looking at the person for too long.

Do people you meet and interact with think you're an introvert, or are they surprized when they find out. Again, depending on the situation. If you were to find me at a party you could very much confuse me with a extrovert. When I drink I get somewhat more outspoken and find it easier to socialize. This all depending on if I have a secure base somewhere near (friends). If I were to find myself in a completely new crowd my introverted side would be awkwardly dominant.

What kind of personality do you take at your work and how might you guess people perceive you? I've been pondering this very topic for some time now. I'm relativly new to my class and they have noticed and told me about how they perceive me. I've basically gone from being a complete introvert into being somewhat extroverted amongst them. I barly speak about myself unless I'm forced to. Even then it's easy to just turn their attention elsewhere. Anyway, my class basically sees me as a troubleshooter. Much of my function in the group consists of finding and correcting flaws as well as bringing my perspective on the topic at hand. I believe that I'm valued and respected for just this. Although I think that I might be considered to be somewhat arrogant from times, simply because I'm always sure about what I want out of a discussion before raising the subject.

Does this personality style and perception of you represent how you would ideally like to be in your work environment? (i.e. how would you like to be perceived and what might you like to do differently in the social group that you find yourself not being able to do as often?) This is the ideal group role for me. It's not that different from the one which I play in my social circle. It's more a question of trust. I don't share personal opinions to the same extent in a work environment as I do in a personal one. I am satisfied with this as I see it as the only correct one. I'm there to complete my studies and not to cultivate the acquaintances that I've been forced into forming.

How would you handle yourself in a work environment that was strongly dominated by more Fs than Ts such as yourself? I am currently in a situation like that. It does not really pose a problem for me. There is a mutual respect at play and everyone seem to stick to that code as for now anyway. The only consequence I've noticed is that people tend to get butthurt from times. I usually don't run around with a can of gas an matchs. Apart from when the temptation to mess with them get too juicy to pass up. But when someone vomits up an asinine idea I tend to be a bit unforthcoming.

Do you stick to your plans? Yes, for the majority of the time. Unless some unpredicted variable comes into play all of a sudden I tend to stick to my original idea.

Do they make you feel more comfortable? Yes they do, if I would start making impulsive decisions on the go I would feel like my whole world was spinning out of control.

Have you ever tried not planning anything at all, to see where it gets you? I have, and I ended up in the emergency room.

Do you plan conversations? This is again separated by work and private situations. At work I plan almost all of my conversations that I engage in. Private, I allow myself to speak a lot more freely.

Can you relate to most people, on an intellectual level? Or even in simple conversations? Not most people no. I have a hard time relating to anyone in simple conversations. It takes time for me to understand a persons frequency if you will. I've formed solid relationships over the years with people I consider closer than my own family. With them I'm able to relate on some level, as well as understanding their personal point of view, as they are mine.
 
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