Ask an INTJ

[Rex]

Dating an INTJ


what are some things to expect?

He will be at hes wierdest in the beginning and then become more "normal" after a while..
Hugely depending on how you respond to hes humor and such.

If hes wierd your doing good.

[Coriolis]

The physical touch/presence thing only works though when we actually have plans to see each other. Since we don't live together, the random hug isn't really possible... which is too bad because I think that can help.

. . . he has totally pulled back and states he does NOT want to talk about it because it's 'nothing new' and he doesn't want to see or talk to anyone. So, I'm giving him space. I don't think there's anything else I can do at this point. He's isolating himself very firmly.

(which honestly...isn't terribly unknown to me. As an INFJ e5, I am quite familiar with this tendency - this desire to go into my cave and figure everything out on my own. What is different is that even if I push people away, if they still show that they want to see me, then I want them and I want that presence. That melts me. It's like he hits these walls where he doesn't want anything to do with anyone, in whatever capacity...he's so hard on himself. )

I can speak only for myself, but - were I in the situation you describe, I would absolutely want my SO's presence, especially if we generally lived apart. I might not want suggestions, or conversation, or conventional gestures of sympathy. I would want the simple comfort of their presence, of knowing that I was important enough for them to just pick up and come (and perhaps that that part of my life at least wasn't in disarray). It would also be good if they could drag me out to do something that they know from experience will be a massive distraction, at least for the day, or the weekend, or whatever was manageable.

That being said, I would probably deny wanting any of this, and even get upset at my SO for doing it, but I would go along with it, and feel better in the end, and be grateful. Only you can tell whether this would work with your SO. I just wanted to point out, however, that all the isolation and rejection of company after a point becomes an irrational response, and (1) isn't what we really want/need, and (2) shouldn't be enabled.

[Malice]

Dear INTJs: What are some key giveaways that you are in love without you openly saying so?

[Coriolis]

If I don't want you to know, you will be hard put to find any.

If you are the object of my affections and I don't want to keep you completely in the dark, you will find me making time in my schedule for you, speaking occasionally of personal topics, taking the opportunity to do helpful things for you, and being more tolerant of things that usually bother me when other people do them (e.g. showing up late for appointments). I will do most of this for close platonic friends, however, so one should pay particulary close attention to the content of our discussions. I have been known to do something creative and off-the-wall for (or to) a new romantic interest. If I give someone that much of my attention, it is a good sign. You would be unwise to make assumptions, however, until I tell you something specific.

[Engineer]

Dear INTJs: What are some key giveaways that you are in love without you openly saying so?

If I don't want you to know, you will be hard put to find any.

If you are the object of my affections and I don't want to keep you completely in the dark, you will find me making time in my schedule for you, speaking occasionally of personal topics, taking the opportunity to do helpful things for you, and being more tolerant of things that usually bother me when other people do them (e.g. showing up late for appointments). I will do most of this for close platonic friends, however, so one should pay particulary close attention to the content of our discussions. I have been known to do something creative and off-the-wall for (or to) a new romantic interest. If I give someone that much of my attention, it is a good sign. You would be unwise to make assumptions, however, until I tell you something specific.

Basically exactly what Coriolis said. We act more like human beings towards you.
However, since I'm a t6, I felt the need to expound upon his already-excellent description. Building off of all these other things, I will definitely be concerned for you, or worry about how you're doing. So I'll make a check on you from time to time, whether through subtle means (I'll walk a route that seems straightforward, but actually detours so I can make sure I run into you) or not so subtle means (texting you, calling-- though that's very, very rare). INTJs, I feel, will view you as a responsibility when they're romantically attached to you-- one that they enjoy having, mind you, but a responsibility nonetheless.

And if we don't want you to know, good luck with finding out. Unless you're a very, very nosy (or cute/sexy) E-type.

[Malice]

And if we don't want you to know, good luck with finding out. Unless you're a very, very nosy (or cute/sexy) E-type.

So this being said, how annoying is it for an INTJ to be paired with a cute/sexy/nosey E-type that frequently asks what it is they're thinking about?

[ceecee]

So this being said, how annoying is it for an INTJ to be paired with a cute/sexy/nosey E-type that frequently asks what it is they're thinking about?

We'll humor you some but this gets super grating. I hope you don't mind the answer to that in a text or IM conversation. Also don't get offended when we're thinking something no where near what you had in mind.

I also should add the - are you ok/mad?? thing...don't do it. Please.

[Malice]

Haha I fail so hard at the 'are you ok/mad' thing But I'll keep this in mind with my INTJ interactions and try to tone it down. Thanks.

[Nicodemus]

My mother (ESFJ) said a few days ago that she has to ask me questions (which she knows annoy me) because otherwise she would know nothing about me. The truth is that I would rather talk to her without being interviewed. I told her so before, but apparently that does not really matter.

[ceecee]

Haha I fail so hard at the 'are you ok/mad' thing But I'll keep this in mind with my INTJ interactions and try to tone it down. Thanks.

Try this. My ENFJ usually sends me something like this instead of asking. Even I can't resist a funny.