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Thread: Ask an INTJ
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07-25-2011, 10:03 AM #451
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07-25-2011, 10:04 AM #452Anew LeafGuest
Well, that makes sense. I guess it's good that someone is thinking of these things and is mentally prepared.
I notice a similar dynamic with my INTJ/ENTP friends. They are parents now and she's a nurse and is always outlining why he can't do x or y with the kids. He complains she over thinks things and then she gets upset that he is questioning her abilities.
Does it bother you at all that you are the one thinking of these things? (ie, do you think your husband should do this too?)
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07-25-2011, 10:05 AM #453
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07-25-2011, 10:13 AM #454
Oh no not at all. If both of us were thinking the same way, THAT would be bad. You need balance. I don't always voice what I'm thinking, I do make any reservations or concerns known if I feel it's needed. Like parenting, I don't question rules he's enforced with the kids. If dad said you can't...I have to back him on that. I might express my feelings in private but never in front of the kids. I have to trust his decision making ability and I do.
I like to rock n' roll all night and *part* of every day. I usually have errands... I can only rock from like 1-3.
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07-25-2011, 10:16 AM #455Anew LeafGuest
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07-25-2011, 10:25 AM #456
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07-25-2011, 10:42 AM #457
When I read your original question, I had a similar thought. Get him to focus not so much on what he has achieved - that is old history now - but rather what he will achieve, short and long term. With grad school on the horizon and clear career goals, that should be easy. It is very hard for relationships (or lack thereof) to trump professional, intellectual, or other creative accomplishment for an INTJ. This can be a weakness when we are trying to start or maintain a relationship, but in your friend's case, it is a strength. When I have gone through periods of depression due to personal or relationship troubles, my professional life has kept me focused and grounded.
As for your other question, INTJs aren't pessimistic, we are realistic. We do not wear the rose colored glasses so many others do. Our intuition shows us how much better things can be sometimes, but we are under no illusions that that is how they really are. The difference is what we need to work on. A butterfly, or glitter, or an interesting-shaped cloud are not going to solve the very real problems in the world, globally, locally, or individually; and if we allow them to distract us, or heaven forbid, lull us into some false sense of reality, then those problems are that much further from solution.“All opinions are not equal. Some are a very great deal more robust, sophisticated and well supported in logic and argument than others.”– Douglas Adams
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07-25-2011, 10:47 AM #458
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07-25-2011, 11:54 AM #459
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07-25-2011, 11:55 AM #460Anew LeafGuest
Thank you for clarifying. I misunderstood the original post in thinking I should focus on past achievements rather than future. I will say that when I do encourage him in his future endeavors he responds with "nothing is certain, not even my success." I have learned not to argue with that kind of thinking.
I understand the need for realism, but is it realistic to always be looking at everything that can go wrong? I am not silly enough to believe that butterflies and glitter will solve the world's problems... but they can give the mind a mini-break from the harshness of life.
I think you guys need a mini NF fairy to keep in your pocket to give you hugs or something so that you have these moments of silliness in between the seriousness of life.
The correct answer is probably "it is neither, it is neutral." (Sigh, this is why I like INTPs more than INTJs.)
So, do you believe that optimism is always unrealistic, or is it possible that both optimism and realism can coexist in the same plane together at least some of the time?
Hmm, this may be time for a Venn Diagram!
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