[INTJ] What is this INTJ really thinking?

[Aggieb]

I am currently seeing an INTJ. I would somehow define our situation as NOT dating but going on dates.
Bearing in mind he's in his late 30s and hence have dated many people and is quite used to putting himself out there (dating websites and services) even though he's still reserved when it comes to approaching women.

He has told me that he's ready to settle down and start a family and definitely looking for THE ONE.
Like all INTJs, I suspect that he probably has some ridiculously high standards for THE ONE.

I feel that he has kinda ruled me out of the running. His reason being that I am not available (when we first met, I was discussing separation) but I have assured him many times that this is the least of our problem. Being intuitive, I am guessing there might be other reasons he's not willing to openly admit (I have a kid) or I don't match up to his standards, even to himself.

What I don't get is this. Why does he still want to hang out with me? Didn't most if not all of the NTs here say that they would not waste their time pursuing something they think is not what they want?

The aspects of our relationships has changed a few times over the last couple of months. Most recently, he said that he wants to pursue a meaningful ongoing r/s with me and cares deeply for me and has said a few times that he wants to make me happy. He also said that he has never had such deep, intelligent, emotional chats with anyone before and basically has never opened himself up this much to anyone before. He has also said that I am an amazing woman and that I would probably find someone before he does. He also made a long distanced call to me over NEW YEAR to have a quick chat. Needless to say, I was floored.

He knows that I have romantic feelings for him and he is worried that I would get hurt. That's quite plain to me that he's not seeing me in that way. But he is attracted to me and we have darn good sexual chemistry together.

He's very fond of asking me how I feel despite him not talking about how he feels. He's always the one to bring up discussing and re-defining our relationship and I'm going to have one of that again soon. I find it frankly exhausting. Because I am the one who talks more and I end up not knowing what he wants.

Some friends have told me that this is a typical selfish user that's just keeping me around for his pleasure. What do you all think?

 

[Rasofy]

I am currently seeing an INTJ. I would somehow define our situation as NOT dating but going on dates.
Bearing in mind he's in his late 30s and hence have dated many people and is quite used to putting himself out there (dating websites and services) even though he's still reserved when it comes to approaching women.

He has told me that he's ready to settle down and start a family and definitely looking for THE ONE.
Like all INTJs, I suspect that he probably has some ridiculously high standards for THE ONE.

I feel that he has kinda ruled me out of the running. His reason being that I am not available (when we first met, I was discussing separation) but I have assured him many times that this is the least of our problem. Being intuitive, I am guessing there might be other reasons he's not willing to openly admit (I have a kid) or I don't match up to his standards, even to himself.

What I don't get is this. Why does he still want to hang out with me? Didn't most if not all of the NTs here say that they would not waste their time pursuing something they think is not what they want?

The aspects of our relationships has changed a few times over the last couple of months. Most recently, he said that he wants to pursue a meaningful ongoing r/s with me and cares deeply for me and has said a few times that he wants to make me happy. He also said that he has never had such deep, intelligent, emotional chats with anyone before and basically has never opened himself up this much to anyone before. He has also said that I am an amazing woman and that I would probably find someone before he does. He also made a long distanced call to me over NEW YEAR to have a quick chat. Needless to say, I was floored.

He knows that I have romantic feelings for him and he is worried that I would get hurt. That's quite plain to me that he's not seeing me in that way. But he is attracted to me and we have darn good sexual chemistry together.

He's very fond of asking me how I feel despite him not talking about how he feels. He's always the one to bring up discussing and re-defining our relationship and I'm going to have one of that again soon. I find it frankly exhausting. Because I am the one who talks more and I end up not knowing what he wants.

Some friends have told me that this is a typical selfish user that's just keeping me around for his pleasure. What do you all think?

Sounds like he's just interested in sex.

 

[Tiltyred]

Tough situation. He sounds like he really does love you for your mind. Sucks, doesn't it? and for whatever sexual chemistry you have. But if he can't stop talking to you, it's because he likes how the inside of your head feels to him.

I would be dating other people if I were you, and maybe shutting down the candy store to him unless it's what YOU want at any given moment. Focus on how you feel, not on how he feels, and do what you feel in the moment.

I hesitate to attribute bad motive. He probably doesn't see himself as a typical selfish user and might be surprised to find he appears that way. If it helps you separate from him to be angry and name call, then by all means, he's a rat bastard selfish user. But a guy who's worried you'll get hurt is going to hurt you. So just be aware. Only do what feels good to you and only if it really feels all the way good (in your head, heart, and mind) at the moment.

 

[jlsandor]

Isn't it just weird you tell him how you feel about him openly and often when he asks, yet he just couldn't figure out he is being a selfish user?
Maybe add some other details which you share with your friends so that he gets a complete picture of himself in your mind.

one's are not The One most of the time and they should learn to live with it.

 

[pv255]

Some friends have told me that this is a typical selfish user that's just keeping me around for his pleasure. What do you all think?

I wouldn't say "typical", but you're spot on with the selfish part. My experience with INTJ's is either they worship you or they are indifferent about you, at which point they are just using you for their own needs. This doesnt mean they dont have a conscious. In exchange for fulfilling their needs, they will perform the acts they feel is an adequate trade off. i.e. you give love and affection in exchange for love and affection. an INTJ will go through the motions loving and affectionate people do, but will he truly love you?... maybe...

An example of my sister (an INTJ). We got in a big fight a few Christmas's ago over something stupid. Later that day she came up to me to apologize. It was an empty apology to me, so I shrugged it off. Towards the end of the weekend she gets mad at me for something unrelated, and she reference that past incident as an example of my bad attitude and blamed me for everything. Her apology was a formality. Deep down she is still very righteous about her behavior, which is fine, so am I, but I wont fake it for the sake of faking it, she would. After she dishes out some verbal abuse, he husband intervenes and tells her she is being unreasonable. Her attitude completely changes. She reveres his opinion much much more than her family's. Shrug... In my opinion, if he hasnt taken meaningful steps to develop the relationship, he is just bidding time.

 

[StephMC]

Tough situation. He sounds like he really does love you for your mind. Sucks, doesn't it? and for whatever sexual chemistry you have. But if he can't stop talking to you, it's because he likes how the inside of your head feels to him.

I would be dating other people if I were you, and maybe shutting down the candy store to him unless it's what YOU want at any given moment. Focus on how you feel, not on how he feels, and do what you feel in the moment.

I hesitate to attribute bad motive. He probably doesn't see himself as a typical selfish user and might be surprised to find he appears that way. If it helps you separate from him to be angry and name call, then by all means, he's a rat bastard selfish user. But a guy who's worried you'll get hurt is going to hurt you. So just be aware. Only do what feels good to you and only if it really feels all the way good (in your head, heart, and mind) at the moment.

This is pretty good advice for your situation, I think. And [MENTION=15063]pv255[/MENTION] is spot on about why he's behaving the way he is. I have an INTJ friend that has a bad habit of stringing along girls because it suits his purpose for that time... I doubt he thinks he's doing anything wrong (who does?), and I couldn't really say how he justifies his behavior (e.g., he gave them warning that he wasn't ready for a relationship, he's not sharing too much about himself, he's actually doing the girl a favor by giving her a lot of praise, etc., etc.), but it doesn't change the fact that my friend is not in the relationship despite how much his behavior says he is. I wish I could tell you what the difference between when an INTJ is taking someone seriously or not, but I don't think there is any big rule of thumb. Follow your intuition here... sounds like it's telling you your answer.

P.S. pv255 may be hinting at what that difference is though -- whether or not they take what you say seriously or not. And as with everyone, actual steps taken to show you're taking a relationship seriously is a good sign

 

[Society]

hmm, never dated an INTJ, or a man for that matter, but... is it really that implausible that he ruled her out on paper initially and got attached as time went by?

 

[pv255]

hmm, never dated an INTJ, or a man for that matter, but... is it really that implausible that he ruled her out on paper initially and got attached as time went by?

Completely plausible, but im probable in my opinion. When it comes to INTJ's, I'd judge their actions over their words. If they wanted to be closer to you, they would simply be closer.

 

[StephMC]

^ what he said.

 

[pv255]

^ what he said.

when did you become so agreeable?

 

[StephMC]

when did you become so agreeable?

You just happen to be correct this time.

 

[Anew Leaf]

It's refreshing to see that this isn't a thread about an INTP male... although 15% of me is secretly expecting that he IS an INTP. (Go magic Si data point win!)

Anyway... My advice would be to be completely honest and direct about what you want. If you want a relationship with him, then tell him that. If he gives you anything other than a direct answer back, then run because he isn't worth your time. Life's too short to play games or miss out on opportunities. This would kill two birds with one stone.

 

[Triforce]

No INTJ loves to talk about their feelings.
I have this colleague that did for some time asked me how i feel.. early in the morning.. piss of with that i though.. what do you want? can i help you with something?
He is a great guy btw.

Why does he talk about the relationship? So boring. Sounds risky too if he got a dirty plan.

Sure hes a INTJ?

tell more about him.

Friends with no intj experience in family or ex bf is out.

If i like you i tell you so if im not afraid of the reaction. sometimes regardless on impulsiveness.

You want to test him for a relationship? do you let him meet your kid? Has he meet anyone from the family?

Think about those and how he would/does respond to those.


Based upon the small amount of info you shared i would not have been really interested in conversing with you when you where in the middle of a breakup.

And you should be wary of guys interested in girls right after/during a breakup. Its not the correct thing to do.

 

[INTP]

Why does he talk about the relationship? So boring. Sounds risky too if he got a dirty plan.

talking about relationship makes it seem as if he would want to commit and have a proper relationship(but insert some excuses or actions that contradict this) and not just have sex. how do you expect to string the other person if she doesent think that there is some hope for relationship? -> its a good idea to talk about relationship if he has a dirty plan.

 

[Aggieb]

In my opinion, if he hasnt taken meaningful steps to develop the relationship, he is just bidding time.

Right on the money.

talking about relationship makes it seem as if he would want to commit and have a proper relationship(but insert some excuses or actions that contradict this) and not just have sex. how do you expect to string the other person if she doesent think that there is some hope for relationship? -> its a good idea to talk about relationship if he has a dirty plan.

Right on the money!!

 

[Aggieb]

I wish I had come to this forum sooner. Before my feelings for him had developed this much.

Well, no more games. It's over.
Last night he said that we have developed into platonic friends. He's met someone that's a better fit for him-sexually. He seems smittened with her. This is all AFTER we had sex and he said it (was a test) and it has validated his feelings that we are not sexually compatible. That really screwed me up. I had failed a test I didn't know I was sitting and had proven to him the invalidation of his feelings about us. This really hit me hard. He didn't even understand why I took it so badly.

On hindsight, I had chosen not to see what a selfish user he was. I tried my best to please him but not once had he shown his appreciation. Alot of words (texts) yes...but I didn't see any actions with his words. Now he wants to be bff and me to be someone he can confide in! Maybe he thinks it's a gentler way of letting me down. But you generally treat your bff or a good friend far better than how he treated me.

He is an INTJ. He thought and tested INTP years ago but I recently showed him INTJ description which I think described him 99.99% and he agreed.

 

[AphroditeGoneAwry]

But you can't really know how you would be together sexually until the soulfulness within the relationship is there. He sounds avoidant. Perhaps friends will be a positive relationship for you.

 

[StephMC]

I wish I had come to this forum sooner. Before my feelings for him had developed this much.

Well, no more games. It's over.
Last night he said that we have developed into platonic friends. He's met someone that's a better fit for him-sexually. He seems smittened with her. This is all AFTER we had sex and he said it (was a test) and it has validated his feelings that we are not sexually compatible. That really screwed me up. I had failed a test I didn't know I was sitting and had proven to him the invalidation of his feelings about us. This really hit me hard. He didn't even understand why I took it so badly.

On hindsight, I had chosen not to see what a selfish user he was. I tried my best to please him but not once had he shown his appreciation. Alot of words (texts) yes...but I didn't see any actions with his words. Now he wants to be bff and me to be someone he can confide in! Maybe he thinks it's a gentler way of letting me down. But you generally treat your bff or a good friend far better than how he treated me.

He is an INTJ. He thought and tested INTP years ago but I recently showed him INTJ description which I think described him 99.99% and he agreed.

Wow. That sounds pretty shitty. I commend you for showing self control and not kicking his ass when he said having sex with you was a "test". Unbelievable... yeah, not friend material.

 

[WhoCares]

I am currently seeing an INTJ. I would somehow define our situation as NOT dating but going on dates.

I feel that he has kinda ruled me out of the running. His reason being that I am not available (when we first met, I was discussing separation) but I have assured him many times that this is the least of our problem. Being intuitive, I am guessing there might be other reasons he's not willing to openly admit (I have a kid) or I don't match up to his standards, even to himself.

What I don't get is this. Why does he still want to hang out with me? Didn't most if not all of the NTs here say that they would not waste their time pursuing something they think is not what they want?
.
Some friends have told me that this is a typical selfish user that's just keeping me around for his pleasure. What do you all think?

I'm inclined to agree. When I want something I'm focused on it, pursue it to its logical end and am very clear about my intentions. Thats the J in me, I don't need to confuse people with 'oh gee, we're sooo good together but....'. My experience has been in relationships that men particularly will always drop not very subtle clues about how they intend to set relationship up with you. They normally tell you point blank but couch it in the words you want to hear. Its called sounding you out and they figure if they drop this bomb and you don't go running them they are set for a relationship on that basis.

So what has he told you in ways meant to pull your heart strings while also sounding like big red flags to anyone not emotionally attached?

Cut your losses before you are thoroughly hooked and end up brokenhearted when he fails to extend the commitment alluded to but never actually promised. People who want commitment with someone pursue commitment not intellectual musings on the subject interspersed with casual sex. The big red flag for me was when you said you've been on dates but weren't dating, sounds like he's firmly established the relationship he wants with you already.

 

[WhoCares]

I wish I had come to this forum sooner. Before my feelings for him had developed this much.

Well, no more games. It's over.
Last night he said that we have developed into platonic friends. He's met someone that's a better fit for him-sexually. He seems smittened with her. This is all AFTER we had sex and he said it (was a test) and it has validated his feelings that we are not sexually compatible. That really screwed me up. I had failed a test I didn't know I was sitting and had proven to him the invalidation of his feelings about us. This really hit me hard. He didn't even understand why I took it so badly.

On hindsight, I had chosen not to see what a selfish user he was. I tried my best to please him but not once had he shown his appreciation. Alot of words (texts) yes...but I didn't see any actions with his words. Now he wants to be bff and me to be someone he can confide in! Maybe he thinks it's a gentler way of letting me down. But you generally treat your bff or a good friend far better than how he treated me.

He is an INTJ. He thought and tested INTP years ago but I recently showed him INTJ description which I think described him 99.99% and he agreed.

Sorry for the way he's treated you. But not sorry the end game showed its hand so quickly, at least now you can move on and give up wondering where you went wrong. Guys like this are a waste of time and not your fault. He's seriously got a personality deficit.