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[INTJ] INTJs as Parents

creativeRhino

New member
Joined
Sep 30, 2007
Messages
113
MBTI Type
INTJ
I'm an oldie female intj- who has been married but never had kids and I've got a few INTJ friends and most have not had kids, or if they do it is really thoroughly planned or really a "surprise" - not much in between.

I'm a "nerdy girl" not a "girly girl" as one of my friends puts it so well...

When I was young, my biggest fear was getting pregnant when I wasn't ready. Then marriage one failed without having kids, and then in marriage 2 a prior vasectomy didn't get a successful reversal. Frankly I was relieved. I am very nervous around babies. I really even had trouble with my sister's kids until they were 8+ years old. My niece is in her teens and we get along really really well now on lots of levels.

2 other INTJ females I know have the same ambivalence (wanting them to some degree in theory but terrified of practice) so I think it could be something INTJs are prone to having as a trait/temperament thing. I'm sure that if they had kids they'd make great mothers, but maybe not fit the idea of "typical" or "ideal" mothers - that's what my 2nd husband said about the sort of mother I'd have been.
 

Aerithria

Senior Thread Terminator
Joined
May 18, 2008
Messages
568
MBTI Type
INTJ
Enneagram
5w4
I'd be a terrible parent myself. I can only hypothesize as to what it'd be like, but I'm known for going hours on end without eating, sleeping, etc. because I was too wrapped up in whatever I was interested in at the time, and I'm no expert in kids but I think that paying attention to their needs is important. I'm too afraid that I'd abandon them while I was pursuing my own intellectual needs.

I'm generally odd about kids in general though. While I am female, I have no desire for children at all, and my friends have already barred me from babysitting, holding, spending time alone with, etc. any kid that they may ever have.
 

scantilyclad

almost nekkid
Joined
Jul 31, 2007
Messages
2,106
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
4w5
Instinctual Variant
so/sp
Parenting came very naturally to me, the first time i saw my baby i finally really knew what love is, and its a beautiful thing. I initially thought i would be a horrible parent, and wouldn't know what to do, and would often feel overwhelmed, but instead my life just began to revolve around my son and i became a happier person in general with him in my life.

I also thought that i never wanted children. I used to always say that I will NEVER have children, but then i got pregnant and had to face being a parent, and i'm glad that i am one, because its really the only thing i'm good at!

My boyfriend however was definitely not a natural parent. He didn't hold our son until about 3 weeks after he was born because he was afraid he would break him, so there is quite a contrast there.
 

Uytuun

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Apr 19, 2008
Messages
1,633
MBTI Type
nnnn
Hmmm...I have an INTJ father (albeit a mild variant) and although he has always been a good dad, I find that as we got older, he really started to shine as a parent. My ESFJ mother is of practically no use to us now, but dad is great. He's open-minded, supportive without being clingy, he treats us like the adults we are, we have interesting discussions etc. Neither my brother nor myself have really rebelled, but I have this suspicion that having an INTJ on your parenting team might be very helpful in times of teenage rebellion.

My father was a natural parent AFAIK, but I would also go with the shock therapy, have him spend time alone (no supervision on your part) with the child and reassure him that he can also bring something to the table when it comes to raising children, even if it's not in the traditional nurturing style.
 

entropie

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Apr 24, 2008
Messages
16,767
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entp
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783
My ESFJ mother is of practically no use to us now

poor mum... maybe you should think about usefulness in comparing usefulness of genetics to the general SJ worlds sensory masterplan of usefulness xD

Guess some tears will roll then xD
 

SquirrelTao

New member
Joined
May 28, 2008
Messages
198
MBTI Type
INXX
Parenting came very naturally to me, the first time i saw my baby i finally really knew what love is, and its a beautiful thing. I initially thought i would be a horrible parent, and wouldn't know what to do, and would often feel overwhelmed, but instead my life just began to revolve around my son and i became a happier person in general with him in my life.

I felt desperate, overwhelmed and exhausted in the first days, and I barely managed in the early weeks. It took me about five weeks to begin to really enjoy my baby. I still look forward to his getting older, more independent and more fun; but I am trying to enjoy his baby phases the short time they are going to last. I get tired of him being so relentlessly dependent and giving me so little me time. But now that he's getting more smiley and less fussy, he's more enjoyable. I just wish I had some help to get a break from him sometimes. Then I think I'd appreciate and enjoy him more when I came back to him.
 

SquirrelTao

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Joined
May 28, 2008
Messages
198
MBTI Type
INXX
Neither my brother nor myself have really rebelled, but I have this suspicion that having an INTJ on your parenting team might be very helpful in times of teenage rebellion.

I have that hunch, too. I think he'll be a natural at disciplining without being authoritarian. I think he'll use humor a lot to set boundaries. But I also worry he might get too critical and do harm to self-esteem. He can be a pretty scathing critic.

Was your father critical? Did he ever hurt your feelings or make you feel put down?
 

Ishida

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Joined
May 5, 2008
Messages
132
MBTI Type
INTJ
I haven't any children of my own, but I had that response(avoidance) when I had to deal with my nephews. Eventually I actually became the trustworthy babysitter. I kind of had to ask every little detail of what I had to do, though.
 

scantilyclad

almost nekkid
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Jul 31, 2007
Messages
2,106
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4w5
Instinctual Variant
so/sp
I felt desperate, overwhelmed and exhausted in the first days, and I barely managed in the early weeks. It took me about five weeks to begin to really enjoy my baby. I still look forward to his getting older, more independent and more fun; but I am trying to enjoy his baby phases the short time they are going to last. I get tired of him being so relentlessly dependent and giving me so little me time. But now that he's getting more smiley and less fussy, he's more enjoyable. I just wish I had some help to get a break from him sometimes. Then I think I'd appreciate and enjoy him more when I came back to him.

It is and will be very important that you get a break from him sometimes. Even the most natural mothers still need a break, and you do appreciate and enjoy them more when you are having a short break from them. I was also lucky to have family stay with me for the first couple of weeks after my son was born, which was helpful since i was recovering from a c-section. I understand feeling overwhelmed and exhausted. I get overwhelmed by him sometimes, especially since he started getting teeth, and learned to crawl and pull up on things. I am very exhausted by the end of the day. I find myself REALLY missing those days when he was just a baby and i could just hold him and feed him a bottle. Those days are long gone. It doesn't get any easier! I'm sure you are a wonderful mother. You are giving all of your time to your baby, and that is a very selfless thing to do. Your husband will warm up to parenting soon, even if its a few months away, and you can have some time to yourself. :)
 

Uytuun

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nnnn
Was your father critical? Did he ever hurt your feelings or make you feel put down?

No, never. He's always been supportive and understanding while also remaining objective and honest, also for my ESTP bro. He's rather F for a T, though, I think. My father is a much more selfless person than my mother. I have a friend with a father that I would type as ESTJ and that does the lowering self-esteem thing, it's dreadful.

On usefulness and my mother: it's a bad translation of a much more fitting term in Dutch. The fact remains that she's not really my kind of person.
 

kafkacat

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Oct 23, 2009
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55
Enneagram
inxj
i find i'm also very wrapped up in my intellectual persuits, and i know i should be starting a family bacause i'm no spring chiken. I'm so commited to this, that i have come to the realization that i will most likely never bare them, unless the father will take more of a maternal role and decide to be the prime caregiver, if i can find someone like that, then i think it could be a possibility for me.
 

freedom geek

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May 18, 2009
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5
An INTJ (or INTP for that matter) having children sounds like a very, very bad idea but maybe I'm biased having absolutely no desire to have children myself.
 

Kra

Black Magic Buzzard
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Jun 24, 2009
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912
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INTJ
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4w5
An INTJ (or INTP for that matter) having children sounds like a very, very bad idea but maybe I'm biased having absolutely no desire to have children myself.

If you allow your Ni to see the potential consequences of your actions to a child, and accepting that, still choose to be a parent, you have the potential to be just as decent a parent as any other.

Parenting and emotional support are skillsets with their own particular uses. We excel at aquiring skills, so there's no real reason to fail at parenting if you were responsible in choosing to become one.
 

freedom geek

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If you allow your Ni to see the potential consequences of your actions to a child, and accepting that, still choose to be a parent, you have the potential to be just as decent a parent as any other.

Parenting and emotional support are skillsets with their own particular uses. We excel at aquiring skills, so there's no real reason to fail at parenting if you were responsible in choosing to become one.

But what is the reason for having children, what does one gain? Without answering this one cannot in my mind be a good parent and all the answers like "love" seem far too emotional, then again maybe I'm just placing my own lack of love of such being upon others.
 

Kra

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Jun 24, 2009
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But what is the reason for having children, what does one gain? Without answering this one cannot in my mind be a good parent and all the answers like "love" seem far too emotional, then again maybe I'm just placing my own lack of love of such being upon others.

I'm afraid that's something you'll have to answer for yourself.

Reasons for parenthood vary wildly from person to person. From performing your evolutionary duty as a homo sapien, to having someone to carry on whatever legacy you have, and even the emotional reasons (we don't completely lack emotional motivation...).
 

freedom geek

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I'm afraid that's something you'll have to answer for yourself.

Reasons for parenthood vary wildly from person to person. From performing your evolutionary duty as a homo sapien, to having someone to carry on whatever legacy you have, and even the emotional reasons (we don't completely lack emotional motivation...).

The first two seem silly to me. Evolution is not a moral imperative and there are far easier and safer (what if they aren't the type of person that can carry on your legacy) ways to carry on one's legacy such as mentoring someone or given the way that medical technology is going at the moment, if you're fairly young, making the best possible effort to live long enough to receive anti-aging treatments and carry it forwards yourself.

Again maybe I'm just placing my emotions (or lack thereof) in certain areas upon other INTs.
 

Kra

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Messages
912
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INTJ
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4w5
The first two seem silly to me. Evolution is not a moral imperative and there are far easier and safer (what if they aren't the type of person that can carry on your legacy) ways to carry on one's legacy such as mentoring someone or given the way that medical technology is going at the moment, if you're fairly young, making the best possible effort to live long enough to receive anti-aging treatments and carry it forwards yourself.

Again maybe I'm just placing my emotions (or lack thereof) in certain areas upon other INTs.

That would be your choice then.
 
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