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[INTP] Attractive Intp Women dating?

moonnx

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lol i just realized- that I defend my self because it's my excuse for me feeling umconfortable with people liking me in general. I feel like they're making fun of me or it's a joke that I haven't gotten. I'm really nervous and uneasy with guys by myself- esp. if they like me and I haven't barred them away yet. =/
 

Totenkindly

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And the reason why I keep repeating myself is that I think I phrased it wrong and that people aren't understanding me. Also, I want to make sure that people believe me. I have a hard time being concise b/c I think people will interpret it wrong.

Gotta learn to let that go. You'll drive yourself crazy after awhile. Used to do it all the time, can't do it anymore... my energy is best spent elsewhere. And the over-explanations don't help as much as you think; a suspicious/stupid person will still be suspicious/stupid no matter how well you explain yoruself.

Basically it involves giving up a little control and trusting that the people who are worth relating to actually will give you the benefit of a doubt and ask, if they're confused/mistaken. And they do.
 

greenfairy

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Wow, we're seeming more similar all the time. And I've also been told I might have Asperger's.

We're different in that I really want to be two different people at the same time- I really want to be a girly flirty girl, but at the same time there's a totally opposite part of me. That part is pretty androgynous and is much more like a guy and wants to just talk about philosophy and logic.

So I have an ENFP self
images.jpg
And an INTP self
images.jpg

I was kind of unattractive growing up, and was completely unconfidant until a few years ago. I always thought I was ugly, but I knew there was a pretty person inside waiting to come out. I too had no prom date and had my first kiss/hookup at 19. I had no luck with guys whatsoever aside from occasional hookups until a couple of years ago, and I felt like there was something wrong with me because of it. I've always had guy friends; the difference is that I was ok with the fact that they wanted to do me because I like attention. If you don't, I guess it's hard. I too felt really different from the feeling girls, and I thought no one really understood me. I'm pretty weird. But now guys seem to like me anyway, and I think it's because I have confidence and like myself. I constantly pushed myself to be more social, even though I wasn't good at it and was always making blunders and looking like a fool. I've worked really hard at learning proper social behavior and being able to blend in with normal people. (I still make big mistakes occasionally, but such is life.)

So I can understand where you are coming from. I can understand not liking attention because you don't really know what to do with it, and maybe you don't like that kind of forced social interaction. I can totally understand lacking the ability to form meaningful connections with people, and feeling insecure because you don't have a boyfriend. Hopefully you'll be luckier than I was and get one before you are 26.

Anyway, this has been my experience, since the OP asked for it. I constantly tried to improve myself and do everything within my power to change my situation, and so I worked a lot on confidence issues and intimacy issues (I think you also mentioned intimacy issues in the opening post, and I have a theory that INTP girls tend to have these). I notice looking back that my luck with people was directly related to my relationship with myself, my level of confidence, and my level of comfort with intimacy. I used to think I was confident, but I wasn't really. It can be a hard thing to really know. Finally, at 26 I got a boyfriend, I have cool friends who understand me, and I have fantastic luck with people. And somewhere along the line I decided I was in fact very attractive and other people started thinking so as well. (In your case it'll probably look like you enjoying being attractive and attracting the right kind of attention.)

Edit: one more thing, it's totally ok for you to think you are attractive and like it; telling people about it is another thing, but I assume you only mention it irl when it's relevant to the conversation. You're right, it's kind of true that it's best to just not mention it unless it's like "we're both so pretty" so people don't think you are implying that they are not attractive and stuff. Or compliment other people a lot. I dunno. Somehow I've been able to do it and people don't get a conceited vibe from me, unless people on here have and they're just too polite to say so. My feeling is that it's best to just think about it like everyone is beautiful in their own way, like an artist views the world. (And there is objective and subjective beauty, and subjective beauty has more to do with whether someone is attracted to you rather than thinking you are attractive my objective standards.) I'm rambling, but I wanted to attempt to clarify the situation.
 

ajackson17

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The best way to combat what you are going through is to move forward and actually speak to guys you actually like. I don't know what stimulates you, but what stimulates you should be the reason you like this person and other qualities. I like intelligent women who understand abstract thinking and feeler ideas and can grasp and understand. You'll learn how to make your own path soon enough as long as you know the weaknesses and just do the "DO" part you'll be making progress even if you fail a bit but you are making progress to "ideally" getting your desired results.
 

BeBe

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I can relate to where the OP is coming from. I'm also 20 and have never been in a real relationship.

I've never really been into looks, I mean I can tell when someone's attractive but I never really thought of myself the same way. It's not that I have a low self-esteem or something, I just never really paid attention to that stuff. When I leave the house, I dress for comfort. In high school, I wore the same 7-8 outfits in a cycle and never really cared, and I'm starting to do it again in college. I like fashion but don't have the energy to put into it.

I also grew up being one of 5 blacks in my high school in a town of 95% caucasians. I was comfortable, never felt discriminated against (or if I was, I didn't notice). So when I would go to a different environment like Atlanta (college) I felt awkward. I would be walking and feel stares, or get honked at. Once when I was walking down the street, this car made a u-turn to my side of the street to ask me if I needed a ride. It shocked me and left me feeling self-conscious and confused.

I think because I went from an environment where I didn't receive a lot of attention to somewhere where it seemed to be everywhere has impaired my relationship skills (if they weren't impaired already). Now whenever a guy tells me I'm pretty, I immediately back off. It's not that I don't know I'm pretty but I associate the compliment with an unwanted request. It sucks because I've taken to keeping my head down whenever I see a guy approach (usually black guys since they're the ones who seem to STARE without caring how uncomfortable it makes girls) and pretend they don't exist. Some still try to catch my attention and sometimes I talk to them but it never goes anywhere because they inevitably ask if I'm a virgin and that completely turns me off. Also I have have large Also I've been 'blessed' with big boobs with a small waist (bra-shopping is the worst) so that already gets me strange looks and when a guy seems interested, I think it's just for my looks. I have had someone who I was able to connect with and he seemed to like me for me, but then the virgin question came and then the unnecessary compliments, and the 'you need to be more open and emotional so you can tell me how you feel about me and compliment me and always make me feel good about myself' crap started. I ran as fast as I could from that.

I guess that's the real issue, I can meet a guy that likes me for my looks and my intelligence but in the end, it's about molding me to be the kind of person they want.
 

UniqueMixture

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ok...I'm a great dancer (I love dancing-to any kind of music!)- but once I start dancing I get people trying to grind on me =/ Also, I do act nerdy and what not but sometimes guys are like-umm it would be so much better if you weren't weird. Also, when I act like myself I get along with people and everything and I do find guys but they don't approach me. When I don't party, no one tries to talk to me. I'm was in marching band for 4 years, and the guys that like me start talking to me and then get nervous and stop talking to me.

I like to dress more in sweat pants and whatever- my sisters get mad at me because "I don't do anything with myself". My family is like you're pretty you'll find a guy- you gotta talk to them- frustrating.

I know when people are not genuine- it seems like all the guys that actually talk to me are. One of my sisters claims I have aspergers so I interpret things very differently. Like I don't know how to accept compliments or even have a conversation- just my stream of consciousness going on and on (that's how I talk- very fast and continous) =/

And the reason why I keep repeating myself is that I think I phrased it wrong and that people aren't understanding me. Also, I want to make sure that people believe me. I have a hard time being concise b/c I think people will interpret it wrong.

Yeah, wear skirts. Also, stop hanging out in ghetto places.
 

ajackson17

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I can relate to where the OP is coming from. I'm also 20 and have never been in a real relationship.

I've never really been into looks, I mean I can tell when someone's attractive but I never really thought of myself the same way. It's not that I have a low self-esteem or something, I just never really paid attention to that stuff. When I leave the house, I dress for comfort. In high school, I wore the same 7-8 outfits in a cycle and never really cared, and I'm starting to do it again in college. I like fashion but don't have the energy to put into it.

I also grew up being one of 5 blacks in my high school in a town of 95% caucasians. I was comfortable, never felt discriminated against (or if I was, I didn't notice). So when I would go to a different environment like Atlanta (college) I felt awkward. I would be walking and feel stares, or get honked at. Once when I was walking down the street, this car made a u-turn to my side of the street to ask me if I needed a ride. It shocked me and left me feeling self-conscious and confused.

I think because I went from an environment where I didn't receive a lot of attention to somewhere where it seemed to be everywhere has impaired my relationship skills (if they weren't impaired already). Now whenever a guy tells me I'm pretty, I immediately back off. It's not that I don't know I'm pretty but I associate the compliment with an unwanted request. It sucks because I've taken to keeping my head down whenever I see a guy approach (usually black guys since they're the ones who seem to STARE without caring how uncomfortable it makes girls) and pretend they don't exist. Some still try to catch my attention and sometimes I talk to them but it never goes anywhere because they inevitably ask if I'm a virgin and that completely turns me off. Also I have have large Also I've been 'blessed' with big boobs with a small waist (bra-shopping is the worst) so that already gets me strange looks and when a guy seems interested, I think it's just for my looks. I have had someone who I was able to connect with and he seemed to like me for me, but then the virgin question came and then the unnecessary compliments, and the 'you need to be more open and emotional so you can tell me how you feel about me and compliment me and always make me feel good about myself' crap started. I ran as fast as I could from that.

I guess that's the real issue, I can meet a guy that likes me for my looks and my intelligence but in the end, it's about molding me to be the kind of person they want.

So you would feel more comfortable if a guy would ask some questions about your beliefs, thoughts/opinions or certain issues or scientific knowledge?
 
F

figsfiggyfigs

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I've seen straight men catcall at other men. It's the real-world form of trolling. Don't take it seriously.
 

Coriolis

Si vis pacem, para bellum
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I guess that's the real issue, I can meet a guy that likes me for my looks and my intelligence but in the end, it's about molding me to be the kind of person they want.
If that turns out to be the case, run, don't walk to the nearest exit. You don't need a puppet-master. A guy who likes you for yourself will support you in becoming who you want to be, not what he wants.

So you would feel more comfortable if a guy would ask some questions about your beliefs, thoughts/opinions or certain issues or scientific knowledge?
That's what I would want to discuss. Anything else is either smalltalk, or logistics. Many women don't seem interested in these topics, though.
 

ajackson17

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If that turns out to be the case, run, don't walk to the nearest exit. You don't need a puppet-master. A guy who likes you for yourself will support you in becoming who you want to be, not what he wants.


That's what I would want to discuss. Anything else is either smalltalk, or logistics. Many women don't seem interested in these topics, though.

Make it known that those are the topics you do love and insert them and make them known best way to determine if someone thinks like you in my opinion in which women most part are puzzled and do not have answer or along the lines "people do what they do". Nothing really objective or just don't right "I don't know and that bores me." So I feel your pain, but more than likely NT and NF women can force deeper conversation from men in a subtle way more so than me doing that. Women would probably force me to look at the mundane things as fun and dropped all the big talk and just talk the small talk and than they will recognized me as boring or too difficult or different and walk away.

But on a side note I'm glad I'm never was born a woman that I wouldn't have guys going bonkers over me and especially black men and yes I'm a black man so I know how they do it, when most couldn't even tell me what branch of government the president is in.
 

Salomé

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Alright listen first you got to know there is nothing cute or charming about going on and on about how hot you are but you're an intp so maybe you're a bit clueless so my saying this isn't meant to be mean... It's just information.
:(
Yes, she says she's hot. She also says she's a nerd. Have you read her posts? Just... I guess... don't believe everything you read on teh Internet?
It's perfectly fine and normal to be an attractive intp girl. There are quite a few of those here. It's not some sad position to be in.
You lie!

Title made me think of "Bass fishing"
Lol.

@OP. I'm not sure what your problem is. You're too hot or something? I dunno, maybe take off some clothes? That will also solve the problem of not getting dates.

Jeez. Black people's problems.
 

Rasofy

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nerds-vs-real-nerds-0Bbbc.jpg
 

Rasofy

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Therefore... nerds are in denial?

That's not very nerdy. :unsure:
:thinking:

I guess they don't wanna get themselves associated with people who call themselves nerds just because they watch Big Bang Theory.

Go figure.
 

Salomé

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I can understand not liking attention because you don't really know what to do with it, and maybe you don't like that kind of forced social interaction.

I don't think I've ever encountered anyone with a self-av and a tendency to call out their hot, single, desperation with every post they make, that I would put in the category of "does not like attention".

Just throwing that out there for consideration.
 

ilikeitlikethat

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It's not about what you look like on the outside, but having said that; OMG WOW at thread starter.
Forum crushes suck.
 

BeBe

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So you would feel more comfortable if a guy would ask some questions about your beliefs, thoughts/opinions or certain issues or scientific knowledge?

Yes! I would...it's nice if they start off like that. But it also sucks because I get deluded into thinking that they really want to talk and share opinions and then bam! It's 'why don't you call me everyday' and 'what do you mean we're not in a relationship?' Yup, I've been in relationships I wasn't even aware of. :rolleyes:
So basically, I would love to be intellectually stimulated by someone who is understanding, non-manipulative and has no hidden agenda...not likely to happen, I know.
 

Pseudo

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I'm sort of always in flux between trying to be sociable and normal and being rebellious and going out of my way to just say/do whatever I want. Like a pendulum swinging back and forth between wanting to meet a significant other (and therefore needing to appear feminine and be socially proficient), but then getting bored/exhausted/depressed and then wanting to just be myself. It's always best to be yourself and unfortunately my self is not very sexy, graceful or romance-inducing. I feel like all you can do is wait and hope you meet someone cool. :shrug:

I also think INTPs misinterpret dating tips/tricks as ways to control the universe. If I do X i will receive X. You can work on being more open so that then you meet the/a right person you don't blow it, but you can't really do anything to find the right person any sooner.

I hate to seem like I'm just saying "you're a freak get used to it" but It's something that it was valuable for me to accept. I'm never going to be super socially adept and charismatic like say an ESXP or an ESFJ. It's unrealistic to imagine. Trying to compare myself to other people (All my friends are getting married, why am I not getting married?) only makes me feel like giving up. If I think less about relationships, and the pressure to find someone, I'm happier.
 

Lady_X

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N people are often awkward. It's best to accept that haha

If looks aren't important don't focus on them. Take it out of the equation. You don't owe anything to anyone. You don't have to be any certain way.

Engage people you find interesting and politely turn down the ones you don't.

Not everyone enjoys being hit on... I personally don't either but it happens.

What did you hope to gain from this thread?
 

greenfairy

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I don't think I've ever encountered anyone with a self-av and a tendency to call out their hot, single, desperation with every post they make, that I would put in the category of "does not like attention".

Just throwing that out there for consideration.

Perhaps. I think she just doesn't know any other way to talk about it, since the reason she gets so much (unwanted) attention (as she says) is because she is in fact hot.
 
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