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[INTP] Could my marrige with an INTP be saved?

Giggly

No moss growing on me
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Please please seek marriage counseling.

I hope that he goes with you.

I know someone who is the counselor to a couple just like you and the husband in this couple started out acting exactly like your husband and now they are both making huge strides (especially him) and things are getting better between them. It's miraculous but I think they needed that 3rd party to mediate and to help them dispel any stubborn delusions they have, individually.

Also, please try your best to live in the same place. Long-distance is a relationship killer.
 

FDG

pathwise dependent
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Ew, how the hell did you manage to stand all that? I'd say, given that you don't have children and/or a mortgage, you should completely cut contact with him and let a lawyer deal with the divorce papers. 5 years are a long time, just imagine wasting 5 more years with this relationship - that's a good way to make someone's life a complete disaster.
 

Giggly

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Ew, how the hell did you manage to stand all that? I'd say, given that you don't have children and/or a mortgage, you should completely cut contact with him and let a lawyer deal with the divorce papers. 5 years are a long time, just imagine wasting 5 more years with this relationship - that's a good way to make someone's life a complete disaster.

Kind of a good point. If things don't get better soon, then don't let another 5 years go by.
 

Salomé

meh
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(I truely believe he doesn't need to use me to come back because he is highly educated and can come back by himself.)

However, I still feel he has feelings towards that woman. He asked me what love is. He said that I talked about love a lot. He also said "you feel the love when you lost someone". I think he meant by that woman. He was sad about losing her. Also, at night, when he was sleeping, I hear him saying her name. However, he said to me "you know nothing is going to happen before me and her, right?".

After he left, I found on the day he came back and apologized to me, he created another email account with Soul Mate as the name. I feel deeply hurt. I don't know if I should trust this guy anymore.

I do love him very much. I think during our seperation, we didn't have time to chat online that much or talk in person. I think I ignored him a little because of my busy schedule and since I knew he would move back. I want to save my marriage, but don't know how, or even it is worthy.
He is using you. You are his fluffy ISFJ cushion. She is his fantasy. Fantasy usually has more power for INTPs than home comforts do.
I read that INTP are not cheaters
Don't believe everything you read.
Has he drifted away from me for too far?
Yes.

I'd agree that INTPs in general are not cheaters. I have nothing to back that up,
Quite.


He is a supremely selfish fuck. Stop accommodating/enabling him. Of course, this will probably mean he will want you back. Resist that. Value yourself a little.
 

Ten

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He is using you. You are his fluffy ISFJ cushion. She is his fantasy. Fantasy usually has more power for INTPs than home comfort.

I think this is very true and I while I do not know if this one cheated, I know from my own life that while INTPs tend to be generally honest they can and do cheat and often are really good at covering it up.
 

Circle

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I think this is very true and I while I do not know if this one cheated, I know from my own life that while INTPs tend to be generally honest they can and do cheat and often are really good at covering it up.

This seems like one of those cases where if it's not working, it's not working. If a man fantasizes about other women to the degree that he has dropped out of intimacy and connection with his wife, then that is a big problem. I would stake out what I needed and if he could not come through I would try my best to move on.

The marriage counseling advice seems really good and fair. Get a professional third party involved. If he is unwilling, that is an important sign of his commitment to the marriage project.
 

Ten

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This seems like one of those cases where if it's not working, it's not working. If a man fantasizes about other women to the degree that he has dropped out of intimacy and connection with his wife, then that is a big problem. I would stake out what I needed and if he could not come through I would try my best to move on.

The marriage counseling advice seems really good and fair. Get a professional third party involved. If he is unwilling, that is an important sign of his commitment to the marriage project.

I agree with what you have said here except for the marriage counseling part. I am not sure that counseling even works, couples who have had it IME, just seem to be people who are trying to fit a square into a round hole. My own thinking on the matter is that if your relationship is so much hard work and you even now need to get a third party involved then that is a sign that the relationship is just not meant to be.
 

Fluffywolf

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First of all, I don't think you should invest more into this INTP, he seems to have issues that even I don't understand. But marriage counseling is a good last resort if you want to see if your marriage can be saved nonetheless. If that wouldn't work out, you really tried everything and should cut your losses.

Hmm, I wouldn't be someone who would be accepting counceling with open arms, as the concept of having someone else than me in charge of my thoughts is one I would want to rebel against, but for the sake of a relationship I would want to try it. Still, having said that, if you go to your INTP and tell him you should get marriage counseling together while being all angry and fussy about it, it's probably not going to have him consider it.

If you sit down, explain you want to improve things and work things out and want to go to marriage counseling because you care about him and don't want to lose him, it should be enough to persuade him into seriously considering and being open to it. If he is still not, then yeah, I don't think your marriage could (or should) be saved. :(
 

OrangeAppled

Sugar Hiccup
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He IS cheating. It's called an emotional affair.

You need to set boundaries with him & let him know he needs to meet you half way. If he wants this marriage to work, then he needs to stop communicating with that other woman outside of business (which should be as impersonal & brief as possible, especially private emails).

You don't have to & probably shouldn't make ultimatums or demands, but do state clear needs & expectations without making them into "guilt trips". Remember that INTPs tend to tune out such expressions as emotional noise, so be as clear & concise as possible so he accepts it as reasonable. Ask him what you can do to meet his needs better also. Resist making it about who is right/wrong & more about finding solutions.

I would try & set up a time period for some of these changes, especially in regards to re-earning trust & him making a firm decision about he wants. Let him know there is no revolving door - he's in or out & he needs to decide soon.

You need to work out the distance situation also. It's hard to make a marriage work when you're apart a lot. People often fall into emotional affairs in such situations.

I agree with those who suggest marriage counseling, if possible. I've seen it work for lots of people. Many people never learned good skills, and they will fail in future relationships too because they'll keep bringing the same problems into them. The counseling helps you learn better skills & manage normal incompatibilities that any two people will have.

How real is the possibility that he married you for citizenship or legal right to work/live where you are? Was this just something you threw out in emotion?
 

Hopeless ISFJ

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Hi, I want to thank each one of you giving me the valuable advices and support. In these few weeks, I kept my schedule really busy and avoided any possible contacts with him just to detach my feelings towards him and can finally face him again. I came back to this site to read your comments and they helped me stay strong. Can't say enough thank you for this.

I finally thought through and called him to discuss our divorce. However, he disagree with me. He said he gave up so many things to come back here. It didn't make sense for him to give up the marrige. I asked him to think about it and we will discuss again later this week. If he insisted to keep the marrige, I will ask for marrige counselling and cut the ties with the other woman. However, I think we will still have problems in the long run. I looked up to him because i saw how he interacted with other people, but I don't respect him anymore. He is way too immature for me and our marrige.
 

Salomé

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I finally thought through and called him to discuss our divorce. However, he disagree with me. He said he gave up so many things to come back here. It didn't make sense for him to give up the marrige.
That's the best he could do? :huh:
However, I think we will still have problems in the long run. I looked up to him because i saw how he interacted with other people, but I don't respect him anymore. He is way too immature for me and our marrige.
I think this probably tells you all you need to know.
 

INA

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I have struggled to understand what it is some INTP men have that causes so many hapless women to lose their gotdang minds and keep HOPE alive when the INTP man in question should have long been discarded like so much garbage to the curb. It's mystifying.
You shouldn't give him the option of working this out in counseling. Be kind to yourself and lose this creep.
 

Fluffywolf

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I have struggled to understand what it is INTP men have that causes so many hapless women to lose their gotdang minds and keep HOPE alive when the INTP man in question should have long been discarded like so much garbage to the curb. It's mystifying.
You shouldn't give him the option of working this out in counseling. Be kind to yourself and lose this creep.

Yes, I demand someone to tell me how that works...

...For the sake of curiosity ofcourse. >.>
 

INA

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Yes, I demand someone to tell me how that works...

...For the sake of curiosity ofcourse. >.>

Two dozen similar threads on the ultimate fail that is dating intp men and we're none the wiser. I'm beginning to think they have a knack for picking up on a Florence Nightingale/martyrdom gene in these chickadees.
 

Fluffywolf

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Two dozen similar threads on the ultimate fail that is dating intp men and we're none the wiser. I'm beginning to think they have a knack for picking up on a Florence Nightingale/martyrdom gene in these chickadees.

That's entirely possible, the mystery is why they decided to take advantage of it. It's not particularly INTP like in my experience. :shrug:
 

Salomé

meh
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Apparently... it is. Either that or there are a lot of bastards running around claiming to be INTPs just to give us a bad name.
You should look into that Fluff.
 

Fluffywolf

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Apparently... it is. Either that or there are a lot of bastards running around claiming to be INTPs just to give us a bad name.
You should look into that Fluff.

Hmm, I probably should... *ponders*

One logical explanation is that they are ENTP's. :alttongue:
 

JocktheMotie

Habitual Fi LineStepper
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Or, intellectual yet emotionally detached, unavailable men= INTP to many people.

Our PR department is doing its job.
 

Ten

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Or, intellectual yet emotionally detached, unavailable men= INTP to many people.

Our PR department is doing its job.

INTP men are often of the variety of men who are indeed cold and emotionally unavailable yet are attracted to warm feeler type females.

An old relative of mine told me quite long ago that the person who feels the least and loves the least in a relationship tends to be the one who holds the most power in the relationship. Looking back at the INTP men I have known, I think they unconsciously like having power over people and they tend to be able to also unconsciously spot (bad Fe-related) the kinds of emotional/vulnerable people who would be easiest to covertly control with their indifference. I also think that INTP men tend to not understand themselves or their own desires very well at all and so most would be inclined to deny that they do indeed like having power over people.

Strangely enough, I think INTP men can also be easily controlled by the right kind of woman. Usually the sort of woman who really does not like them very much initially or eventually and at the deepest level is not that emotionally involved with them. They will stay in bad relationships with these kinds of women forever it seems. ISFJ women often seem to end up figuring out how to control INTP men after getting a certain amount of heartache from them but this opening poster is probably not an ISFJ or other factors are preventing her from establishing control.

Most INTP men are simply not worth it unfortunately. Unless they have matured considerably beyond what is usual for their type (given their excessive thinking yet weirdly poor self knowledge), they seem to always be in some kind of sado-masochistic relationship loop with others not unlike what ESFJs often get into.
 
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