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[INTP] INTP and Fear of Rejection

greenfairy

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I am like 99% sure I am INTP, but (as I have mentioned in some of my posts) I have a constant underlying fear of rejection. From friends, potential friends, employers and potential employers, and especially lovers; even if we have had a good relationship for a really long time. I just expect that sooner or later people will discover that inside I'm really a freak and either lose interest in me or run away. I don't really need space in intimate relationships either, and if people are busy I kind of assume they don't really like me. I'm not very social though, because I kind of think not many people really want to hang out with me because they're busy when I suggest it and stuff. I mean, how do I really know?

I'm working on getting over this.

Do other INTP's have this problem (probably due to inferior Fe), or is this me acting like an INFP?
 

malachite

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I don't think its an INTP thing. It seems more like an insecurity thing in your case, which means its something you can improve on. If it was an INTP trait, that would imply it was something you can't really change and that's a bit depressing.
 

think2much

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I have exact same problem. I get bored with people. After the first meeting most people don't interest me that much. Even few people I connect really well with don't wanna hang out with me cause I'm kinda weird. I don't think it has to do with insecurities though. Not sure what age you are but I learn to never let anyone in. No such thing as true friend where you can open up. I don't have any friends at the moment and I'm sure most of my previous friends are married or slave to corp world. I have no idea since I don't have facebook but I don't care cause we're not friends anymore.
 

Totenkindly

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I am like 99% sure I am INTP, but (as I have mentioned in some of my posts) I have a constant underlying fear of rejection. From friends, potential friends, employers and potential employers, and especially lovers; even if we have had a good relationship for a really long time. I just expect that sooner or later people will discover that inside I'm really a freak and either lose interest in me or run away. I don't really need space in intimate relationships either, and if people are busy I kind of assume they don't really like me. I'm not very social though, because I kind of think not many people really want to hang out with me because they're busy when I suggest it and stuff. I mean, how do I really know? I'm working on getting over this.

Do other INTP's have this problem (probably due to inferior Fe), or is this me acting like an INFP?

Yeah, I had the same kind of pattern in my history as well, and it got to the point where I was expressing Avoidant style behavior to the degree my life ALMOST became unmanageable. I still have a deep-seated fear that out of the blue at any point even my closest relationships will terminate, without my being warned or have a chance to change something; I am typically always nudging myself back on course, telling myself things are fine and I'm just being paranoid. (still, I've been torpedoed/rejected even by my parents and a few people I trusted, so that has made it even harder; just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get me.) I basically have to steer myself straight and not react out of the fear, and remain as sane as I can... it seems to work, but I'm not sure people realize how much of a struggle it can be sometimes.

I think it's a combination of past experience of rejection (for some) + a natural tendency I have to HATE to intrude into someone else's world and to also expect a low-level but basic stream of periodic cues that tell me how they really feel toward me. I was kind of surprised that many people can just trust that someone who has been there will contine to be there; one lesson life taught me is that everything changes, and since I'm constantly trying to monitor the current affair of things rather than relying on its past state, if I stop getting cues that someone likes me or is committed to our relationship -- it doesn't have to be big, but it does have to be periodic -- then eventually I start to fear that it ended and I simply wasn't told yet.

So there's that.

Then again, some people have tried to label me as INFP because of this.
So take your pic. ;)
 

Eric B

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In the temperament theory I'm familiar with, fear of rejection is common to introverts. (Extroverts have more of a confidence to approach people, or their need of attention outweighs any fear of rejection).
 

ilikeitlikethat

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Why must I be so passionate?
 

RaptorWizard

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I settled this problem by talking to people on the internet rather than people in my real life.
 

INTP

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I just expect that sooner or later people will discover that inside I'm really a freak and either lose interest in me or run away.

you need to show what sort of freak you really are from the beginning. if you really are the freak you think, it will drive unworthy people away and you dont need to be afraid for people who accept you as who you are losing interest in you. also as a nice added bonus, you can find someone who loves who you truly are, not just the image you present of yourself.
 

greenfairy

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you need to show what sort of freak you really are from the beginning. if you really are the freak you think, it will drive unworthy people away and you dont need to be afraid for people who accept you as who you are losing interest in you. also as a nice added bonus, you can find someone who loves who you truly are, not just the image you present of yourself.

Indeed, and I do put all my cards on the table in the beginning. So it's an irrational fear. Then sometimes I think they won't like me because I'm awkward or clingy...
 

Rasofy

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[MENTION=15773]greenfairy[/MENTION]
How old are you? I ask because that's very common among young INTs.

Fwiw, here's my suggested guide:
First, abandon all hope.
Only then you'll be able not to get attached to these outcomes, and finally get comfortable with being yourself.
From that point, things are gonna be much simpler. You'll realize that you can't and shouldn't try to control how other people are gonna react, and that a fair dose of uncertainty is the element that makes life an interesting experience.
 

greenfairy

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[MENTION=15773]greenfairy[/MENTION]
How old are you? I ask because that's very common among young INTs.

Fwiw, here's my suggested guide:
First, abandon all hope.
Only then you'll be able not to get attached to these outcomes, and finally get comfortable with being yourself.
From that point, things are gonna be much simpler. You'll realize that you can't and shouldn't try to control how other people are gonna react, and that a fair dose of uncertainty is the element that makes life an interesting experience.

Not that young, 27. I don't want to abandon all hope, but I have learned a few years ago to release expectations. I live life unattached to outcomes. I still like my relationships though, and don't want them to end...I just have to trust more I guess. I know what I feel is normal, I just take it to a somewhat unhealthy extreme. Which is also common. Just not ideal. I don't like being insecure all the time.
 

RaptorWizard

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Perhaps you have symptoms of Avoidant Personality Disorder.
 

greenfairy

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Hm, what's that? I could just look it up, I guess.
 

teleforce

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i'm INTP and i'm not so afraid of rejection consciously. i think i probably have that fear, but it plays out more through my actions, or rather inaction.

when i experience rejection with a lover, it really hurts, and with employers it really disappoints. in many ways, i probably structure my life to avoid those feelings. with friends i don't care so much, since i like to think that people are insane if they don't like me (i really like myself). what keeps my fear of rejection from completely taking over my life is probably just that-- my love for and acceptance of myself. i wouldn't assume that you aren't accepting of yourself, however. sometimes i notice that that fear is so much greater just when i know i care very deeply about something.
 

Philosorapteuse

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Yeah, I identify with this. I may be independent and not want to be surrounded by people, and dislike clinginess and need my space, but fundamentally I still want to please people. I'm dogged by fear of Getting It Wrong and being rejected for it. :( Fear of failure/rejection is the main reason I don't try new things. I'm never the one to strike up a relationship, because displaying interest means exposing something that's vulnerable to rejection, which is scary because I'm not good at dealing with it.
 

RaptorWizard

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Hm, what's that? I could just look it up, I guess.

Avoidant personality disorder[1] (or anxious personality disorder)[2] is a personality disorder recognized in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders handbook in a person characterized by a pervasive pattern of social inhibition, feelings of inadequacy, extreme sensitivity to negative evaluation, and avoidance of social interaction.

People with avoidant personality disorder often consider themselves to be socially inept or personally unappealing and avoid social interaction for fear of being ridiculed, humiliated, rejected, or disliked. Avoidant personality disorder is usually first noticed in early adulthood. Childhood emotional neglect and peer group rejection (e.g. bullying) are both associated with an increased risk for the development of AvPD.

There is controversy as to whether avoidant personality disorder is a distinct disorder from generalized social phobia and it is contended by some that they are merely different conceptualisations of the same disorder, where avoidant personality disorder may represent the more severe form.[3][4] This is argued because generalized social phobia and avoidant personality disorder have a similar diagnostic criteria and may share a similar causation, subjective experience, course, treatment, and identical underlying personality features, such as shyness.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Avoidant_personality_disorder
 

ilikeitlikethat

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I, INTP don't fear rejection, no no no no, I accept it.
 

Eruca

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Id say I've got a pretty bad fear of rejection but at the same time I keep everyone at arm's length. But no, I don't keep them at arms length because I'm scared of them rejecting me. At least, I have other reasons that would cause me to keep them away if I feared rejection or not.

My hope is once the time comes I can let people in close Ill feel secure naturally without too much work....like a normal person.
 

Fluffywolf

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[MENTION=15773]greenfairy[/MENTION]
How old are you? I ask because that's very common among young INTs.

Fwiw, here's my suggested guide:
First, abandon all hope.
Only then you'll be able not to get attached to these outcomes, and finally get comfortable with being yourself.
From that point, things are gonna be much simpler. You'll realize that you can't and shouldn't try to control how other people are gonna react, and that a fair dose of uncertainty is the element that makes life an interesting experience.

I wondered the same and checked the user page to see he/she is 27. And asked if he/she perhaps had a long period of time of stress or depression. Because I also pin most of these issues on INTP immaturity. If he/she never had a proper environment in which to mature, it would make a lot of sense. I haven't yet got an answer to that, but if true (having had bouts of depression or lots of stress) then I think he/she is on the right track and thing will start falling into place before you know it. :p
 
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