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[INTP] How do you know an INTP is in love? INTP's please Help!

ana

New member
Joined
Mar 7, 2012
Messages
1
MBTI Type
infp
Enneagram
4w5
So I am a little bit confused about a situation with a guy I am in love with. He is an INTP, we've known each other for about 9 months. Since the first day I met him I could tell that we had a lot of chemistry. We became good friends because I could really feel he "got" me... I didn't like him in a romantic way though. He always joked about us having potential chemistry and about how we were going to have an affair. I always said NO but he texted me all the time and I really liked him as a friend.

One day we kissed while we were drunk and he stayed over at my apt. But nothing happened, we cuddled and it was really awkward next morning. But we forgot about it and moved on... We were still friends but then we kissed again, and I started to like him... he stayed at my place and we cuddled all night so I began to fall for him. We hooked up and did intimate things but never sex. He was really nice and he mentioned a lot that "he would always be there for me" but that he didn't want a relationship. He said he didn't have time and that a girlfriend was really high-maintenance and he didn't want anything because he literally had no time.

I kept pressuring him to have a relationship (a casual one but that I wanted to be just with him) but he didn't want to, even though he would still want to call me every day and spend time with me. He said one time "maybe weare not the perfect couple but we care about each other right? we should just try and see how things happen" so we went on "dates" a couple of times but he still didn't want the title...

I ended up getting tired of that and told him to stop calling me and that we should avoid each other. Before that, I told him I really liked him, that I loved being with him and that I knew he felt the same... but he just kept saying he didn't feel that he wanted a relationship. So at the end we would always get in fights and I could feel he was uncomfortable with my "drama".

So we stopped talking for about a month. When I saw him again (about two weeks ago) we had a really good conversation, I could tell that he missed me and I missed him too. We started talking again and he apologized for being so mean. So we started talking again. He would text me regularly like before... and last weekend I invited him to hang out with a couple of friends.. we talked and our "friendship" was great once again. Up until saturday!

He told me to go to the same club were he was. He bought me drinks and stayed with me the whole night. We both knew something was going to happen.. and it did. We went to my apt and we had sex. For the first time... we agreed no drama and no strings attached. It was awesome... lol and he stayed over. The next day he called me to ask me how was I feeling and he has been calling me every day. Just to ask me random things.. but he is keeping touch.

I know he is terrified of the title... but I don't wanna be fooling myself when he may only be wanting sex or something. He is like my best guy friend and he cares about me... I am willing to respect his "no relationship" thing.. I don't care being his fwb as long as I know that it's just the title but that he cares about me.

I am so sorry for posting this long post but I am confused and everyone tells me "a man is a man" "he is an asshole" but I know he is not! I am not fooling myself. So that is why I want you to tell me, what does he feel?? Does he have feelings for me?? And would he be "faithful" meaning is he looking to hook up with other girls??

I just don't want to let him go when we get along so well. :unsure:
 

NotOfTwo

small potatoes
Joined
Jan 30, 2010
Messages
509
MBTI Type
INTP
Only he knows how he feels and maybe not even him. My advice is, expect nothing, you may get something. Or not. Do not like him more than he likes you, stay busy with your own fun things. If you chase him, you will lose.

Yep, that's all I got.
 

RaptorWizard

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Mar 19, 2012
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5,895
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sx/so
INTP is probably the hardest type to get extremely close to since they are so stoic and solitary, so I would say any chance of a relationship is a pipe dream.
 

Winds of Thor

New member
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If they break a smile looking like they're hating showing their attraction but trying to be all serious, then they've got the bug.
 

Winds of Thor

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Solution: Find an ENTP. They > INTPs.

:coffee:

Yea [MENTION=13402]Saturned[/MENTION] I think this too^

Am I being bad?

Edit: There's someone for everyone. Who knows who is ideal. I think if you can make it work with someone, who you get along with, enjoy, and who you have the least trouble around, you're doing it right.
 
A

Anew Leaf

Guest

Oops, I need to clarify!

Male ENTPs > Male INTPs

Female INTPs = :wub:

Edit: At OP... Here is the deal with male INTPs: they aren't worth it for the most part. They don't know what they want and they will flirt outrageously with you until AMGS NO!! EMOSHUNSSSSSSSSS and then they will disappear for months at a time and expect you to just deal with it and have no needs of your own. A much better fit for a fluffy INFP is an INTJ or and ENTP. The ENTPs are like sugar infected PEEPs and INTJs are gloriously reserved with a heart full of butterflies.

Edit #2: [MENTION=994]kelric[/MENTION] is not counted amongst these terrible scourges of humanity. He's 10 kinds of win.
 

Redbone

Orisha
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Apr 27, 2010
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ENFP
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9w8
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sx/so
Oops, I need to clarify!

Male ENTPs > Male INTPs

Female INTPs = :wub:

Edit: At OP... Here is the deal with male INTPs: they aren't worth it for the most part. They don't know what they want and they will flirt outrageously with you until AMGS NO EMOSHUNSSSSSSSSS and then they will disappear for months at a time and expect you to just deal with it and have no needs of your own. A much better fit for a fluffy INFP is an INTJ or and ENTP. The ENTPs are like sugar infected PEEPs and INTJs are gloriously reserved with a heart full of butterflies.

That's better. Thank you, Saturned!

And yeah...Saturned and NotOfTwo are right for the most part. I took a look at the OP and just closed my eyes.

Does he have feelings for you? I'd say probably so but only he can say. Having feelings is the problem.

Feelings = danger. Emotional distance = safety. Not exactly the best ground for growing a relationship.

Enjoy the connection, sex, and getting along well. Don't expect much or be too hopeful because INTPs can be really awful when it comes to relationships (and yes, I am including myself). If he feels pressured or thinks that you have expectations that he's not ready or willing to meet, then it will get messy real quick.
 
A

Anew Leaf

Guest
Attention Mods: Can we please have a subforum entitled "If you are going to create a thread about an INTP Male, go here first!" And then in the forum there needs to be one thread. And within that one thread there needs to be one post. And within that one post there should be a link to the book entitled "He's Just Not That Into You."
 

Rasofy

royal member
Joined
Mar 7, 2011
Messages
5,881
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5w6
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sp/sx
2 possible scenarios:

a)
You get too interested
You scare him away
The end

b)
You lose interest
He gets too interested
He scares you away
The end
 

INTP

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They don't know what they want and they will flirt outrageously with you until AMGS NO!! EMOSHUNSSSSSSSSS and then they will disappear for months at a time and expect you to just deal with it and have no needs of your own.

its always nice to know that you dont possess some of the weaknesses of other people of your type :)

also, it should be mentioned that if an INTP flirts with you irl, he most likely doesent see you as a potential gf(if you two arent on a date), but more like someone who he can freely play with without neither of you getting hurt
 

INTP

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@op

there is this triangular theory of love thing:

Triangular_Theory_of_Love.gif


basically:
Nonlove "refers simply to the absence of all three components of love. Nonlove characterizes the large majority of our personal relationships, which are simply casual interactions."[3]

Liking/friendship is "used here in a nontrivial sense. Rather, it refers to the set of feelings one experiences in relationships that can truly be characterized as friendship. One feels closeness, bondedness, and warmth toward the other, without feelings of intense passion or long-term commitment."[4]

Infatuated love: "infatuation results from the experiencing of passionate arousal in the absence of intimacy and decision/commitment...like Tennov's limerance."[5] Romantic relationships often start out as infatuated love and become romantic love as intimacy develops over time. Without developing intimacy or commitment, infatuated love may disappear suddenly.

Empty love is characterized by commitment without intimacy or passion. A stronger love may deteriorate into empty love. In an arranged marriage, the spouses' relationship may begin as empty love and develop into another form, indicating "how empty love need not be the terminal state of a long-term relationship...[but] the beginning rather than the end."[6]

Romantic love "derives from a combination of the intimate and passionate components of love...romantic lovers are not only drawn physically to each other but are also bonded emotionally"[7] - bonded both intimately and passionately, but without sustaining commitment.

Companionate love is an intimate, non-passionate type of love that is stronger than friendship because of the element of long-term commitment. "This type of love is observed in long-term marriages where passion is no longer present"[8] but where a deep affection and commitment remain. The love ideally shared between family members is a form of companionate love, as is the love between close friends who have a platonic but strong friendship.

Fatuous love can be exemplified by a whirlwind courtship and marriage - "fatuous in the sense that a commitment is made on the basis of passion without the stabilizing influence of intimate involvement."[9]

Consummate love is the complete form of love, representing an ideal relationship toward which people strive. Of the seven varieties of love, consummate love is theorized to be that love associated with the “perfect couple.” According to Sternberg, these couples will continue to have great sex fifteen years or more into the relationship, they cannot imagine themselves happier over the long-term with anyone else, they overcome their few difficulties gracefully, and each delight in the relationship with one other.[10] However, Sternberg cautions that maintaining a consummate love may be even harder than achieving it. He stresses the importance of translating the components of love into action. "Without expression," he warns, "even the greatest of loves can die."[11] Thus, consummate love may not be permanent. If passion is lost over time, it may change into companionate love.

personally i dont see other forms of "love" than consummate love being romantic love at all, maybe him as an INTP has similar point of view to this, so telling him that you love him and asking him if he loves you might freak him out completely if he thinks you are talking about consummate love. and i can be certain that he doesent have consummate love towards you.

show him this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Triangular_theory_of_love and ask how he feels towards you and you might get a better understanding about his feelings.
 

21%

You have a choice!
Joined
May 15, 2009
Messages
3,224
MBTI Type
INFJ
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4w5
Has it been agreed on whether you are 'exclusive' or not?

You can be 'exclusive' with someone in the dating stage without actually being boyfriend/girlfriend yet.

If he doesn't want to be exclusive either, then I'd say run (because you clearly want more than that).
 

Oeufa

New member
Joined
Jan 5, 2010
Messages
694
MBTI Type
INTP
2 possible scenarios:

a)
You get too interested
You scare him away
The end

b)
You lose interest
He gets too interested
He scares you away
The end

Sounds about right to me :yes:.

For what it's worth, I'd say give up on him for now. Give him some space and maybe he'll grow up a bit. If you keep pandering to his nonsense he's likely to keep things that way :laugh:.
 

JocktheMotie

Habitual Fi LineStepper
Joined
Nov 20, 2008
Messages
8,491
He's not in love with you. And doesn't really sound INTP. Texts/calls/talks to you everyday and not even in a relationship? I couldn't imagine a bigger waste of time.

When INTPs aren't really sure what they want out of another person they'll be extremely into you when you're face to face, but then drop off the face of the earth when you're not in sight. This is the opposite of that.
 

ExAstrisSpes

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Aug 11, 2010
Messages
337
MBTI Type
ENFJ
I kept pressuring him to have a relationship (a casual one but that I wanted to be just with him) but he didn't want to, even though he would still want to call me every day and spend time with me. He said one time "maybe weare not the perfect couple but we care about each other right? we should just try and see how things happen" so we went on "dates" a couple of times but he still didn't want the title...

Don't do that. With any fellow. Seriously.

My advice is, expect nothing, you may get something. Or not. Do not like him more than he likes you, stay busy with your own fun things. If you chase him, you will lose.

This. With any man. Never expect anything unless they explicitly tell you that you can, and even then tread with caution.

any chance of a relationship is a pipe dream.

Quite probably.

They don't know what they want and they will flirt outrageously with you until AMGS NO!! EMOSHUNSSSSSSSSS and then they will disappear for months at a time and expect you to just deal with it and have no needs of your own.

Yes. This basically happened to my with my long distance ex before I got fed up with it. I hated, *hated* having my needs marginalized.

Attention Mods: Can we please have a subforum entitled "If you are going to create a thread about an INTP Male, go here first!" And then in the forum there needs to be one thread. And within that one thread there needs to be one post. And within that one post there should be a link to the book entitled "He's Just Not That Into You."

I 2nd this.

When INTPs aren't really sure what they want out of another person they'll be extremely into you when you're face to face, but then drop off the face of the earth when you're not in sight.

I wish I had known this with my last INTP ex. I would have saved myself months of wailing and gnashing of teeth.

When an INTP is infatuated with you, they do/say things like this:

"I noticed you're wearing the same earrings on all your photos on Facebook"

If they are driving, they take the longest way possible back to your place because he doesn't want to say goodnight (or is working up the courage to say goodnight).

Someone once posted here something about INTPs trying to smile. That.
 

EcK

The Memes Justify the End
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Nov 21, 2008
Messages
7,708
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knee hugging is usually a hint :coffee:
 

Unique

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Oct 14, 2008
Messages
1,702
How old are you? INTPs indecisive nature and seeing endless possibilities means we don't tie down easy
 

raindancing

actinomycetes
Joined
Feb 28, 2008
Messages
346
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
4w5
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
Attention Mods: Can we please have a subforum entitled "If you are going to create a thread about an INTP Male, go here first!" And then in the forum there needs to be one thread. And within that one thread there needs to be one post. And within that one post there should be a link to the book entitled "He's Just Not That Into You."

Perhaps I lucked out with my INTP, or perhaps it had to do with meeting him online.
We had the most amazing conversation online when we first met, stayed up until 4am talking. Talked everyday after that. I was not even remotely thinking of him romantically at that stage, just loved talking to him. Next thing I know he tells me he broke up with his girlfriend. I am thinking "ohshiiittttt!" But we just kept interacting like normal and it wasn't long before I realized that my feelings weren't exactly platonic either ;) And then he was ahem rather quick to make a move.
 
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