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[INTP] INTP men, how do you behave when you are no longer attracted to a girl?

Almari

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Apr 8, 2012
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ENFP
I've been seeing my INTP man for few months. The time we used to spend together was absolutely wonderful. First time in my life I felt that I finally met my perfect man. He seemed to feel likewise. He was always very thoughtful, full of care and tenderness. He showed his affection through very romantic way: holding my hands all the time when we are together, kissing my hands in public and telling me all the time how amazing I am.

Unfortunately, the fairly tale stopped when I had to leave for a business trip to another continent. It's been a month since we are far away from each other. He's barely in touch with me. Few cold texts during a week, 3 calls during the whole months. I'm confused and my feelings are deeply hurt.

Knowing that INTPs are very reserved personalities that require lot's of private space, made me try to understand and find justifications for his withdrawals. So, I decided to gently speak with him on this matter. He promised to try to give me more attention only to disappear again. I told him second time, he apologised again and promised to be more thoughtful only...to disappear again...

I can not possibly believe that a man as serious as him could just get switched off in a moment. On the other hand, his behaviour is obviously signalling me that he's no longer interested. I don't know what is going on... and I don't know how to respond...

Is it me doing (or not doing) something wrong? Or it's just a time for both of us to move on...?
 

Rasofy

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Unfortunately, the fairly tale stopped when I had to leave for a business trip to another continent. It's been a month since we are far away from each other. He's barely in touch with me. Few cold texts during a week, 3 calls during the whole months. I'm confused and my feelings are deeply hurt.
Personally, I think 1 call a week is a reasonable amount of communication. He seems to think the same way. If you wanna talk more, call him yourself, but don't expect him to call you out of obligation.
 

JocktheMotie

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You're not necessarily doing anything wrong. In my experience this is just how INTPs can get when they no longer SEE the person they're interested in; they sort of just concern themselves with other things. I did nearly the exact same thing when I went to college to the girl I left at home and it took me a couple months to really figure how to manage the long distance thing without the other person feeling unconnected and resentful. It really can be that easy to "switch it off" as you say.

His feelings for you aren't necessarily gone, just latent in the midst of this change. That doesn't mean he gets to be distant emotionally and get a free pass. Couple questions I'd have for you are, how old are you two, how long is the business trip for, how serious where you two before you left, etc.

Or, he could just be leading you on to avoid a negative confrontation and/or keep his options open but you'd probably have a better feeling of that than I would. In any case, you need to make it clear that as it is, his behavior isn't acceptable and if he wants to continue the good times and hand holding he needs to make an effort to make feel a little more connected.
 

entropie

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You're not necessarily doing anything wrong. In my experience this is just how INTPs can get when they no longer SEE the person they're interested in; they sort of just concern themselves with other things. I did nearly the exact same thing when I went to college to the girl I left at home and it took me a couple months to really figure how to manage the long distance thing without the other person feeling unconnected and resentful. It really can be that easy to "switch it off" as you say.

"Girl I love you. But you have to see it that way: if your boobs aint physically around, you just wont make it move !" :D
 

kelric

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Jock's advice is good -- listen to him :).

The only other thing I have to add is that there are a lot of INTP's (particularly men?) who really don't care for phone and even text conversations. Especially if the geographical separation is temporary (and the month of your business trip is definitely temporary), he may just figure "yes, I miss her, but she'll be home in a few weeks", and just leave it at that.

Having said that, I'll reiterate what Jock said. This probably isn't as bad as you may fear, in terms of his mindset towards your relationship. But you absolutely have the right to expect some closer contact on his part -- you just may need to make that clear.
 

Totenkindly

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I agree with the thoughts in this thread. I'm even the same way with my best friends who are not local, and it's an effort even for me to initiate things with my kids when we're not in proximity even though i love them. I think you should worry much more if he maintains a lack of communication after you get home.
 

Almari

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Thank you all for your suggestions and recommendations. I really appreciate.

In any case, you need to make it clear that as it is, his behavior isn't acceptable and if he wants to continue the good times and hand holding he needs to make an effort to make feel a little more connected.

I absolute agree with you. The question is 'how?'. I've already spoken to him twice...in a very gentle manner though.

Couple questions I'd have for you are, how old are you two, how long is the business trip for, how serious where you two before you left, etc.

I'm nearly 30, he's in his mid 30s. The business trip was planned for 4 weeks and been extended for 2 additional weeks. He doesn't even know when exactly I'm coming back. I was pretty sure that it was serious. We talked about 'us' and about being exclusive and committed. He looked absolutely fine and affectionate.

But you absolutely have the right to expect some closer contact on his part -- you just may need to make that clear.

I have same question here - 'how?'.
 
R

ReflecTcelfeR

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If you've been gentle and haven't gotten results, don't be.
 

mmhmm

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It's been a month since we are far away from each other. He's barely in touch with me. Few cold texts during a week, 3 calls during the whole months. I'm confused and my feelings are deeply hurt.

my INTP and i are in a long distance relationship with a 12hour time
difference. so we schedule ahead of time. this helps me not go crazy
and he knows what to expect. i don't think i can repeatedly put myself
into a situation to wait around for my INTP call just out of the blue.
i mean if it happens, it'll delight me, but i can't just bet on that solely
to make the long distance work for me.

we have very clear days and times of when we'll talk and catch up. we
pretty much know the hard landscape of eachother's schedules, like
upcoming freetime/weekends and we try to let each other know about
our plans. also my intp has one day off a week from talking to me. his
time to recharge. he's a champ. he talks to me everyday besides that.
we schedule times at different time lengths, in the mornings it's usually
under 20min, because we're commuting to work, if evenings we can
linger longer. also my INTP hates the telephone, so i always try to
have something for us to do/discuss -- i'm very comfortable doing the
majority of talking, and i actually like that he listens, especially when
i'm complaining. and i complain and bitch and whine a lot.

we've gone through different scenarios, where i'd tried just calling out
of the blue, and see if i can catch him or not. that one didn't work out
well for me, because i hate not being able to reach him when i want
to and ended up ranting on voicemail about how much i hate it.

in the beginning i felt i had to be a bit apologetic for always wanting to
be around him, even though i knew how important his space and time
alone is, but i just can't help myself. i /always/ want to be able to
contact him. we do whatsapp on our fones, so yet another outlet
for me to leave him messages.

i think i just need a space where i'm not restricted to contact him.
i don't expect a reply all the time, but i do like it when he replies,
i love the interaction, and he knows that.

i think there are moments when i'm feeling down about other things,
and he'll notice that i'm not as chirpy, and he'll pick up the interaction.
he'll initiate, which is really nice. and something i love that he can do.
 
F

figsfiggyfigs

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I swear there was another thread like this about an ENFP whining about her INTP boyfriend who forgets that she exists all the time.
 

Thalassa

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I swear there was another thread like this about an ENFP whining about her INTP boyfriend who forgets that she exists all the time.

It really isn't nice to be ignored by someone who was once paying attention to you regularly.

I personally hate being ignored. I prefer for people to tell me straight out, "I hate you" or "I am seeing someone else, go away" than ignore me. Being ignored is hell on earth.

OP, I don't know, you really should ask him directly.
 

Redbone

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I swear there was another thread like this about an ENFP whining about her INTP boyfriend who forgets that she exists all the time.

Nothing like sweet, high-pitched XNFP whine. :wubbie:

To the OP, I don't think his feelings have changed. INTPs don't usually feel the need to do these kinds of things. When someone isn't physically there, the relationship usually doesn't get priority status. It gets holding pattern status.

And forget about being gentle or indirect. It almost never works. If my INFP hadn't finally said, "Dammit, I need to talk to you!", I would have been fine with just a couple of weekly emails and holding pattern status. He had to let me know it wasn't good enough for him to feel connected. Even so, it was difficult for me to do it.

I hope your time flies by quickly and you can be together again soon.
 

exact

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Good lord.

Give the poor introvert a break.

Perhaps he needs some time to catch up with his World of Warcraft friends.
 

Tigerlily

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To the OP. Not to lump all INT's into one basket, but from my experience they're not big on small talk. If he's reached out to you through email/messaging, that's not too bad. They're just usually not great communicators. Try and stay busy and see how things are when you get back. Don't sit by the phone.

Also, this.
You're not necessarily doing anything wrong. In my experience this is just how INTPs can get when they no longer SEE the person they're interested in; they sort of just concern themselves with other things. I did nearly the exact same thing when I went to college to the girl I left at home and it took me a couple months to really figure how to manage the long distance thing without the other person feeling unconnected and resentful. It really can be that easy to "switch it off" as you say.

Or, he could just be leading you on to avoid a negative confrontation and/or keep his options open but you'd probably have a better feeling of that than I would. In any case, you need to make it clear that as it is, his behavior isn't acceptable and if he wants to continue the good times and hand holding he needs to make an effort to make feel a little more connected.
 

Giggly

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The problem is that you are in a long-distance relationship right now. If he's normally attentive then it should go back to normal when you return.
 
V

violaine

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Have you tried skyping each other? That is great when you have to be apart.
 

ExAstrisSpes

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In my experience this is just how INTPs can get when they no longer SEE the person they're interested in; they sort of just concern themselves with other things. I did nearly the exact same thing when I went to college to the girl I left at home and it took me a couple months to really figure how to manage the long distance thing without the other person feeling unconnected and resentful. It really can be that easy to "switch it off" as you say.

The only other thing I have to add is that there are a lot of INTP's (particularly men?) who really don't care for phone and even text conversations. Especially if the geographical separation is temporary (and the month of your business trip is definitely temporary), he may just figure "yes, I miss her, but she'll be home in a few weeks", and just leave it at that.

It really isn't nice to be ignored by someone who was once paying attention to you regularly.

They're just usually not great communicators.

The problem is that you are in a long-distance relationship right now. If he's normally attentive then it should go back to normal when you return.

All of these things. It is *incredibly* frustrating to be in a long-distance relationship with an INTP. When you are not physically in front of them, they forget you exist (at least they act that way). Although when things died between myself and the INTP I was with, it was pretty obvious that he had "checked out" of the relationship and was just going through the motions, which drove me nuts and forced me to call it off. Of course that makes me the "bad one" because I didn't want to "work on it", even though he already said that he "didn't have the energy" to put into the relationship anymore. Because apparently it really is that difficult to make a phone call, text someone, or send an e-mail to say "Hello, I love you!".

Depending on how temporary this separation is, would determine what I would do in your position. Maybe it's just my mindset right now, but I would let him go for the time being and see how he is when you return. It's really *not* worth begging for basic communication from your partner, especially when there are other people immediately around you willing to give you much more than the time of day.
 

dala

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I dislike both small talk and phones. As a result, I don't call people often, and how often I call someone has no bearing on how much I value the relationship.

This isn't something I have any intention of changing in a dramatic way (because I find phone calls annoying and exhausting), and I probably wouldn't respond particularly well to someone trying to force the issue. It's like insisting that an extrovert must spend a set amount of time not socializing.

If you want to date someone who wants to spend significantly more time on the phone with you, you should probably be dating someone else rather than trying to change this person.
 
V

violaine

Guest
If it were me, I'd just wait to see what it's like when you're together again. Maybe he finds it hard to stay emotionally open when you're away because it feels weird for him? I've heard that from an INTP before. And an INTJ. Personally, I'd try to understand him on his terms (how he works, if you can eventually speak the same relationship language) before you make any big decisions about the future of your relationship. There again, if it's unbearable for you, perhaps he can't fulfill your needs.

I do think introverts understand each other a little better on this score... It feels just like they say IME - i.e. already highly stimulated and need to retreat to the serenity of one's inner world. My own lack of contact with my own loved ones is not meant at all to be a personal slight. Time and space exist a little differently when you're in your own head. I have heard from a few INT men that it's really hard to maintain a connection at a distance when the main grounding element is physical presence. Especially early on in a relationship.
 
A

Anew Leaf

Guest
Hey look, another thread about INTP men and how difficult it is to understand them.

*mystified*
 
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