[INTJ] INTJ will he understand

[simbad]

A question for all INTJ's.

I have just ended a recent friendship with my INTJ because I was upset that he didn*t inform me about something reagarding himself. I reacted rather impulisively and instead of reflecting and waiting a few days ended the friendship via email. We only have an email contact since he changed jobs. We use to work for the same company. I only ended the friendship because I was hurt about him not telling me about his new job and my finding this out on the facebook.

I now regret ending the friendship and was hoping that he would understand my reason for breaking contact. I explained to him in my email that I was hurt and that if he trusted me as you should in a friendship he could have informed me.

I don't want to contact him again and tell him I regret my decision because this could scare him off. On the other hand I am hoping he will understand me and perhaps re-contact me. Is this possible even after a few months? Or wil he be likely to accept my decision. He knows how i tick reallly well and so i am hoping he will miss me and contact me. Or do INTJ' never look back even if they miss someone and know that the other person recated without thinking? Would appreciate your comments.

 

[Metamorphosis]

I don't want to contact him again and tell him I regret my decision because this could scare him off. On the other hand I am hoping he will understand me and perhaps re-contact me. Is this possible even after a few months? Or wil he be likely to accept my decision. He knows how i tick reallly well and so i am hoping he will miss me and contact me. Or do INTJ' never look back even if they miss someone and know that the other person recated without thinking? Would appreciate your comments.

So you don't want to tell him that you regret ending your friendship because you're afraid you're going to scare him off? Let that sink in for a second.

If someone actually bothered to "officially" end a friendship with me (which I think is kind of strange anyways, and sounds mostly like a plea for emotional attention) I would never contact that person again. I would see them never contacting me again as reinforcing their decision to end our friendship. Why would I demean myself by contacting someone that told me they did not want to have any friendship with me, especially over something as ridiculous as not telling them about a job? Seems desperate.

Harsh but that's my opinion, anyways.

 

[ceecee]

A question for all INTJ's.

I have just ended a recent friendship with my INTJ because I was upset that he didn*t inform me about something reagarding himself. I reacted rather impulisively and instead of reflecting and waiting a few days ended the friendship via email. We only have an email contact since he changed jobs. We use to work for the same company. I only ended the friendship because I was hurt about him not telling me about his new job and my finding this out on the facebook.

I now regret ending the friendship and was hoping that he would understand my reason for breaking contact. I explained to him in my email that I was hurt and that if he trusted me as you should in a friendship he could have informed me.

I don't want to contact him again and tell him I regret my decision because this could scare him off. On the other hand I am hoping he will understand me and perhaps re-contact me. Is this possible even after a few months? Or wil he be likely to accept my decision. He knows how i tick reallly well and so i am hoping he will miss me and contact me. Or do INTJ' never look back even if they miss someone and know that the other person recated without thinking? Would appreciate your comments.

I can tell you that if someone emphatically ended a friendship with me because I didn't tell them about a job change, I would see it much like Metamorphosis. I would see it as a stunt for attention, possibly emotional manipulation which I won't allow. The likelihood of me contacting that person again is zero. Scare me off? I don't even understand that in this context.

 

[ThatGirl]

.... I won't allow. The likelihood of me contacting that person again is zero.....

Sorry for the edit, but this has been my experience in any kind of relationship, work, friend, or romantic.

 

[simbad]

I can tell you that if someone emphatically ended a friendship with me because I didn't tell them about a job change, I would see it much like Metamorphosis. I would see it as a stunt for attention, possibly emotional manipulation which I won't allow. The likelihood of me contacting that person again is zero. Scare me off? I don't even understand that in this context.

This has got nothing to do with emotional manipulation. I don't see anything wrong in expressing your hurt feelings. Some people are just open. One says INTJ's like openess and truth. That is what I was doing - being open about my true feelings namely hurt. Threre was no hidden intention behind this i.e. wanting him to feel bad or whatever.

But for me friendship includes trust. And if the my so called friend doesn't trust me enought to tell me where is now working. After all he got another job in a different town he probably doesn't trust me enought. He got thrown out of his manager job and doesn't want anyone to know at the moment where he is now working. Which I can fully understand. Only I wouldn't have told anyone in the workplace.

Of course now after having enough time to reflect I realize that I reacted too impulsively and according to my feelings. I'm an INFP. I regret this and realize that it's up to him if he wants to tell me or not and that has probably nothing to do with his feelings for me. Just hoping that he knows me well enought to understand that it's had nothing to do with clingeness but hurt feelings. A shame.

 

[Mia.]

This has got nothing to do with emotional manipulation. I don't see anything wrong in expressing your hurt feelings. Some people are just open. One says INTJ's like openess and truth. That is what I was doing - being open about my true feelings namely hurt. Threre was no hidden intention behind this i.e. wanting him to feel bad or whatever.

But for me friendship includes trust. And if the my so called friend doesn't trust me enought to tell me where is now working. After all he got another job in a different town he probably doesn't trust me enought. He got thrown out of his manager job and doesn't want anyone to know at the moment where he is now working. Which I can fully understand. Only I wouldn't have told anyone in the workplace.

Of course now after having enough time to reflect I realize that I reacted too impulsively and according to my feelings. I'm an INFP. I regret this and realize that it's up to him if he wants to tell me or not and that has probably nothing to do with his feelings for me. Just hoping that he knows me well enought to understand that it's had nothing to do with clingeness but hurt feelings. A shame.

Dude, I'm an INFP and this wreaks of emotional manipulation. Friendship means commitment/stability/loyalty as much as trust. It means you don't throw a tantrum and break off a relationship if you don't mean it. If you have real grounds, and you mean it, that's one thing. If you have really shaky grounds, and you don't mean it, you're just hurt, but rather than explain that you're hurt you sever a relationship, that's immaturity, not being authentic - sorry. It's hard to be friends with someone who isn't stable.

 

[redacted]

If you're the one who did something regrettable, why would you wait for him to contact you first? That just makes no sense at all. The last thing you said to him was that you are ending the friendship -- how would he guess that you now want him to contact you just a few days later?

 

[figsfiggyfigs]

People are not mind readers. If you want to apologize, you should tell him you regret what you did. Be honest and direct.

 

[Poki]

Just take ownership and contact them.

 

[Lark]

He'd not likely to know unless you tell him, he could believe that by refraining from contacting you he is doing what you want him to do. Also, this is just me but if something like this actually happens to me I tend to decide that the other important things I've got going on should take priority, you've only so much time to divide between different things anyway as it is, including friendships and if someone else closes one down what can you do about that?

 

[ceecee]

This has got nothing to do with emotional manipulation. I don't see anything wrong in expressing your hurt feelings. Some people are just open. One says INTJ's like openess and truth. That is what I was doing - being open about my true feelings namely hurt. Threre was no hidden intention behind this i.e. wanting him to feel bad or whatever.

But for me friendship includes trust. And if the my so called friend doesn't trust me enought to tell me where is now working. After all he got another job in a different town he probably doesn't trust me enought. He got thrown out of his manager job and doesn't want anyone to know at the moment where he is now working. Which I can fully understand. Only I wouldn't have told anyone in the workplace.

Of course now after having enough time to reflect I realize that I reacted too impulsively and according to my feelings. I'm an INFP. I regret this and realize that it's up to him if he wants to tell me or not and that has probably nothing to do with his feelings for me. Just hoping that he knows me well enought to understand that it's had nothing to do with clingeness but hurt feelings. A shame.

No. There is a reason he didn't tell you. I assure you, if he shared this on Facebook and not with you personally, there is a reason. And if anyone EVER used the term "so called friend" about me, I would never want to talk to them again. You are trying to make this into his fault and it's not. It's your own emotional knee jerk reaction to something that has nothing to do with you at all.

If you're the one who did something regrettable, why would you wait for him to contact you first? That just makes no sense at all. The last thing you said to him was that you are ending the friendship -- how would he guess that you now want him to contact you just a few days later?

Right. I don't understand this either. If someone said - I'm ending this friendship, I'd take that literally. I'd also think they have drama queen tenancies and it's probably for the best.

 

[Moonstone3]

Be honest. Contact him and be straightforward. I'm sure there is more than a reasonable explanation for why he didn't tell you.
The reason, more than likely, has nothing to do with you.
Also, he probably felt he didn't have to explain himself. That was his decision. Everyone has the right to better their life. He obviously felt that was a good move.
If someone explodes their emotions on me, I step back. Close off. Run for the hills. Etc.
But we INTJs appreciate honesty, and apologies. Rest assured, the only way you will be talking to him is if you apologize and contact him. My best friend is an INFJ, and she explodes often. She will call after about 2 weeks, and even then, I let the phone ring for another week or so, so she gets it. If she calls me and lets me know she understands where she went batshit crazy, then I continue the friendship. But, there have been many times I would throw it away in a heartbeat if she doesn't understand where she went wrong.
Also, you might expect a few harsh words, or drawing of the lines when you talk to him.

 

[simbad]

I will contact him sooner or later as I don't want to loose him. But at the moment I'm a bit worried that he won't accept my apology. After all if I'm quite honest if someone cut of their friendship with me for no logical understandable reason and then changed their minds 2 months later I don't think I would be interested in keeping contact. I would presume that this person doesn't know what they really want, is unreliable and doesn't know me at all.

And the worse thing about it is that I think I jumped to conclusions and accused him of something which didn't even enter his head. But like I said im my previous email at the time I felt hurt and acted impulsively. The question is "how well does he know me".

Not only that but if I apologize perhaps he will think I'm pleading and being weak. And that might be a real turn off for him.

By the way he's a middle aged INTJ and very mature.

What do you INTJ's suggest?

 

[Lark]

Right. I don't understand this either. If someone said - I'm ending this friendship, I'd take that literally. I'd also think they have drama queen tenancies and it's probably for the best.

I'd be inclined to think that too, although I'm not that inclined to find anyone like that in my circle of close friends to begin with.

 

[Oaky]

I will contact him sooner or later as I don't want to loose him. But at the moment I'm a bit worried that he won't accept my apology. After all if I'm quite honest if someone cut of their friendship with me for no logical understandable reason and then changed their minds 2 months later I don't think I would be interested in keeping contact. I would presume that this person doesn't know what they really want, is unreliable and doesn't know me at all.

And the worse thing about it is that I think I jumped to conclusions and accused him of something which didn't even enter his head. But like I said im my previous email at the time I felt hurt and acted impulsively. The question is "how well does he know me".

Not only that but if I apologize perhaps he will think I'm pleading and being weak. And that might be a real turn off for him.

By the way he's a middle aged INTJ and very mature.

What do you INTJ's suggest?

You were in the wrong in the first place. There was no particular need for you to know about something in his life if it didn't concern you so contact him and apologise if you want to keep the chance at friendship. I assume if you had emotional issues at the time tell him as part of the apology. If not... well... question things.

 

[Stanton Moore]

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