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[INTJ] An INTJ in Crisis

Akhilleus

New member
Joined
Feb 2, 2012
Messages
4
MBTI Type
INTJ
First off, I would like to warn everyone that this is, in fact, my first post. Eeek.

I am an INTJ, but coming from having been an ENTP.

Now, I should probably get to telling you what the provocative title is regarding!
Ladies and Gentlemen, I am in a spot of bother. Fourteen months ago, I met the most amazing (INTJ) girl, but (as always) there was a catch.

Now I'll try not to make this too word heavy, but there is a lot going on.

We're perfect together, same interests, yet diverse also, we can talk for days on end with never a dull moment. We debate all the time, never hurting the other's feelings, both studying medicine, avid readers, spend a huge amount of time together, etc. I'll let you guys fill in the rest of the paragraph with an assortment of other smitten ramblings. We are both rather young, she's 22 and I am 20.

But we're not dating!

Haha, you heard me right. We talk daily, we see each other a bazillion times a week, we visit each other, are in many volunteer organisations together and a myriad of other jazz, and yet we are not dating.

She grew up in a small rural community, started dating this amazing man at the age of 12 and was engaged at 15. However, five years into their engagement and three weeks before their wedding, he was killed in a car accident.

She shut down after that. He was all she had known for so long, and without him... I can't even pretend to understand what it was like. They had been living together, to top off his death, she lost her home because she couldn't afford it alone. Anyway, not to get all touchy feely; I suppose it's suffice to say that afterwards she fell into academics and volunteering even more than she was before his passing.

When I first met her, I was amazed by her, we hit it off right away. She engaged me in debates the likes of which I had only dreamed of beforehand. I'm rather bright, very bright actually, and yet compared to her, my knowledge feels insignificant. She's the first person I've met who's able to challenge me on so many levels, and I her. The second time I saw her, I asked her out and she said yes.

I'm getting a bit bogged down in the story, my apologies. I'll try to be more concise and get to the point, there's just so much to cover.

She told me about her previous partner on our first 'date', and that she was going to promise to love this man in life and in death, and that even though she never actually uttered the words, she had decided (perhaps promised) never to date again.

She's not one for friends, more for acquaintances. Doesn't do much socially aside from volunteering, yet 14 months down the track and we are hanging out left, right and centre. She still wears his ring, but for months she has been wearing a bracelet I got her at Christmas 2 years ago.

We are a couple, but we are not. She stayed with me for a few weeks while her room was renovated. We are so brilliant together, yet there is this history that caps us from being everything we can.
I love her, despite my best efforts. Not trying to toot my own horn, but I am young, smart, attractive, athletic, witty, and yet I cannot act like a normal one of my peers. I can't help but think about this one girl; I pretend I wish I had a choice in this, but I wouldn't choose another given the opportunity.

I was hoping to get the views of some other INTJs. Are we destined to forever be this pseudo-couple? We have to thoroughly go out of our way to assure people, including our families, that we are not dating.

I don't wish to make her have to choose between her past and her future, I refuse to lose her. We've come to depend on one another, and I know she relies on me for a lot. She has no one else she lets so close, yet there is this bit of her past that is holding us back.
I'm not going to force her into anything, and I think that's one of the reasons we are so close, but I'm concerned that she's going to pull back and martyr herself for fear that she's 'using' me, as I've not hidden how I feel about her.

I don't know how you guys can help, I've seen some of the other posts and I've found useful information in quite a few of them. I guess I'm hoping perhaps some of you can advise me how in the world I am meant to proceed here. Thank you, for whatever you give.

Sorry for the thesis!
 

ceecee

Coolatta® Enjoyer
Joined
Apr 22, 2008
Messages
15,908
MBTI Type
INTJ
Enneagram
8w9
Dating? At 12? Engaged at 15? Do you live in Appalachia or something? You'll be a pseudo-couple as long as you both allow it. You refuse to lose her. Yeah yeah but you can't compete with a ghost either. So you have to decide, do you want to be the man in here life who is here and alive and wants here or do you want to be the third wheel in a relationship with the deceased? If you do, you need to make that known in no unspecific terms. Yes she had suffered a loss. So have lots of people. It doesn't define them.
 

Akhilleus

New member
Joined
Feb 2, 2012
Messages
4
MBTI Type
INTJ
Appalachia, haha, not quite, we're from rural Australia, now living in a minor city for university.

I would very much like to be her partner, I have tried to consistently demonstrate this subtly. So you believe that approaching her about this is best? I was of the impression that if we ignored the past and just continued to bond, eventually she'd see how close we were and realise that we're both intrinsic to one another's lives.

Thank you for your quick reply to my first message!
 

ceecee

Coolatta® Enjoyer
Joined
Apr 22, 2008
Messages
15,908
MBTI Type
INTJ
Enneagram
8w9
Appalachia, haha, not quite, we're from rural Australia, now living in a minor city for university.

I would very much like to be her partner, I have tried to consistently demonstrate this subtly. So you believe that approaching her about this is best? I was of the impression that if we ignored the past and just continued to bond, eventually she'd see how close we were and realise that we're both intrinsic to one another's lives.

Thank you for your quick reply to my first message!

People don't just "see" these things and playing this game is a waste of time. I think leaving it to chance is the worst possible course of action. Yes tell her. Yes make your feelings and intentions very clear. Confidence speaks volumes.
 

Akhilleus

New member
Joined
Feb 2, 2012
Messages
4
MBTI Type
INTJ
Okay, I've been feeling that the time is growing ripe to have a talk. It's not that confidence has been lacking, just that she has already stated her intentions when we met, and I mine. Since then we have grown close, with her knowing that I wish to date her - something I have not hidden. I always thought that given that there's not really another potential suitor who'd invest the time and effort to help her through this, that I could build a rapport with her until it was clear that she could have as long as she needed. You're saying that she could be stuck in the past indefinitely (which I can also potentially see), and that giving her time to come to terms with it is unlikely to help, as such I should act now-ish?
 

ceecee

Coolatta® Enjoyer
Joined
Apr 22, 2008
Messages
15,908
MBTI Type
INTJ
Enneagram
8w9
Okay, I've been feeling that the time is growing ripe to have a talk. It's not that confidence has been lacking, just that she has already stated her intentions when we met, and I mine. Since then we have grown close, with her knowing that I wish to date her - something I have not hidden. I always thought that given that there's not really another potential suitor who'd invest the time and effort to help her through this, that I could build a rapport with her until it was clear that she could have as long as she needed. You're saying that she could be stuck in the past indefinitely (which I can also potentially see), and that giving her time to come to terms with it is unlikely to help, as such I should act now-ish?

There probably isn't another suitor that would have put in this time and effort either, I agree. If she doesn't want to go to another level with you, that's fine. She is entitled to do and feel whatever she wants. However, so are you and you should not put your life on hold for something that's going nowhere. That doesn't mean you can't be friends with her but if she is firm about not wanting a romantic relationship with you, she should understand when you find someone else who does.
 

Akhilleus

New member
Joined
Feb 2, 2012
Messages
4
MBTI Type
INTJ
I have to go to uni at the moment, but I'll be back in a few hours, I really appreciate your input.
 

Coriolis

Si vis pacem, para bellum
Staff member
Joined
Apr 18, 2010
Messages
27,230
MBTI Type
INTJ
Enneagram
5w6
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
People who have had experiences like your friend's often do get over it and move on, but it can take a long time - sometimes many years. Other people can influence how quickly this process takes, but there is only so far you can encourage or push someone. It might help to have a candid discussion with her about it. Whatever you agreed to when you became friends, there is no deception or dishonesty in admitting that your feelings and desires have changed. All the more reason for you to make this clear if they have.

There are three main possibilities. (1) You convince her to enter a dating relationship with you; (2) she insists on remaining just friends, and you agree; (3) she insists on remaining just friends, and you leave. If (1) happens, you can embark on the relationship you have been wanting. Otherwise, your readiness to do (3) will determine how willing you are to continue in (2).

You are both still young. Others may disagree, but if you enjoy this person's company and feel no pull to date other people, staying together as-is might be the best course of action for now. Consider it an investment in a possible future relationship. She may come to realize the desirability of taking the next step. You must be prepared, though, for the possibility that the might take that step with someone else. As long as you are honest with her (and with yourself), and reevaluate things periodically, it should be a reasonable calculated risk.
 

highlander

Administrator
Staff member
Joined
Dec 23, 2009
Messages
26,562
MBTI Type
INTJ
Enneagram
6w5
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
You need to act and stop thinking. Jump her bones. Either she will say no or that it's about time.

Edit: If you don't, someone else will grab her and you'll be very upset with yourself for not doing something when you had a chance.
 

Zarathustra

Let Go Of Your Team
Joined
Oct 31, 2009
Messages
8,110
This is one of the oddest, funniest, and most intriguing OPs I've read in awhile.

The advice given thus far is solid.

I'm just posting to subscribe.
 
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