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[INTP] INTPs and Forming Romantic Relationships

So It Goes

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I'm not sure if this is the correct forum, so forgive me (or punch me; but be gentle).

I have a lot of trouble forming romantic relationships with other people. I'm not sure why, but the more somebody forces me into moving into that area, I recoil, and try whatever I can to stay away. I think this comes from trust issues or the inability to connect fully, but I hardly ever fall in love, and almost prefer to be alone than to be with people. Also, I almost never try to have sex with other people, but people try to push themselves on me. I don't understand sex for only the purpose of sex; I'd rather form a genuine and honest relationship, but it seems people only want brief sexual encounters. Maybe this comes from being raised with traditional principles about sex and love, but I feel almost asexual or schizoid when it comes to dating.

Are there any other INTPs, or for that matter NTs, who feel similar? Maybe I'm thinking too much about people's behaviors, but I hate being pushed into decisions without first mulling over it for a long time.
 

think2much

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I almost never try to have sex with other people, but people try to push themselves on me.

how much are you paying them? I honestly can't think how girls would try to push themselves to have sex with me besides my dreams. Are you very funny social INTP or very good looking?


As for relationship I can't ever have a decent relationship with people. I think some people were just meant to be alone. I spend a lot of time thinking about it and I ask myself if I ever get into a relationship with a girl can I maintain it? I don't think I can but that's because I can't even take care of myself and I don't think I can do that neither.
 

Such Irony

Honor Thy Inferior
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I kind of relate to the OP. I have been in relationships before but compared to most people my experience has been far less than most people my age. Regarding sex, I've only ever had one sexual partner and I've shied away from relationships if I felt he was pushing for sex too fast. I want to wait to have sex until I know I love the person first and its hard for me to truly fall in love with someone. There's people I really like alot and really enjoy their company but if I ask myself do I truly love this person with all my heart and I was really honest with myself, probably not to that degree.

Not sure how much of an INTP thing this is. I don't worry too much about it though. I don't need a significant other in my life to be happy and I kind of agree with think2much when he says that some people are meant to be alone.
 

So It Goes

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how much are you paying them? I honestly can't think how girls would try to push themselves to have sex with me besides my dreams. Are you very funny social INTP or very good looking?


As for relationship I can't ever have a decent relationship with people. I think some people were just meant to be alone. I spend a lot of time thinking about it and I ask myself if I ever get into a relationship with a girl can I maintain it? I don't think I can but that's because I can't even take care of myself and I don't think I can do that neither.

I'm not entirely sure; I do go out quite a bit, but I spend time recovering alone too.

I always feel alone but I prefer it that way. Maybe I don't like committing to someone or something that would take away my freedom or devoting myself to someone who I don't really like romantically. I think, in part, it's because I am uncertain of how I can emotionally handle something; I am very bad at expressing or controlling emotions and often don't show that side to others. It takes me a lot to "open up." For me, it seems all or nothing.
 

So It Goes

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I kind of relate to the OP. I have been in relationships before but compared to most people my experience has been far less than most people my age. Regarding sex, I've only ever had one sexual partner and I've shied away from relationships if I felt he was pushing for sex too fast. I want to wait to have sex until I know I love the person first and its hard for me to truly fall in love with someone. There's people I really like alot and really enjoy their company but if I ask myself do I truly love this person with all my heart and I was really honest with myself, probably not to that degree.

Not sure how much of an INTP thing this is. I don't worry too much about it though. I don't need a significant other in my life to be happy and I kind of agree with think2much when he says that some people are meant to be alone.

Likewise. I don't like to be pressured into anything. I automatically resist unless I am comfortable in thinking about a decision, although that's probably not the best course in every situation. I put this thread for INTPs because I think there's a big competition between the normal operation (Ti/Ne), who know how things happen and can flow easily, while the surge of inferior Fe seems to intrude and screw up the works. However, I can't simply ignore Fe, for that will help me progress as a person, but it's such an uncomfortable, uneasy, and uncontrollable thing for me.
 

xisnotx

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I just posted something similar..though I put it more crudely.

My problem is more this..I separate girls in to "potentials" and "not potentials". In other words, I know which types of girls I'd want to end up with..(I mean, I don't know for sure, but I can speculate...it's kinda what I do.). I run away from the "potentials" like the plague. The whole "lovey dovey" thing is just so not on my schedule that I can't even begin to fathom how it would develop. I'm still young, and poor, and by no means in any way "settled"..so to me these types of girls would just be a huge distraction. That's not to say I don't befriend them..I just know that they are girls that I'll value down the line..and as such..keeping in contact with them (made a whole lot easier by social media) is enough to "have a stake" if you will, without getting into the whole "relationship abyss". I'm actually really good friends with girls I've had a thing for, for a long time. I don't want to ruin it, especially not now...because I couldn't deal with that relationship pressure. (even if she was agreeable to the whole situation..)

Then there are the "non potentials"...these girls are basically unnaproachable to me...because all I'm trying to do is get into their pants. I suck at lying..so it's pretty apparent imo. I have issues with "having relations" with someone just for the sake of those relations..and not because you genuinely care about the other person. I mean, I can get over it (lol)...but I still have issues with it. Going up to a girl knowing that you've basically reduced her to a piece of meat you want to masturbate into is extremely intimidating..(someone needs to shoot me...I swear..but I'm just being honest..)

In sum:
Sex for sex's sake seems empty.
Sex for love's sake is way too much.
 

MiasmaResonance

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I do find it difficult to form relationships, which is why when I manage to form meaningful and emotionally moving relationships, I find them hard to let go.
 

Tallulah

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I do find it hard to form romantic relationships--that's why usually a situation has to present itself that allows me to bypass the usual way of processing things. There has to be a major spark or a major click of personalities, etc. Otherwise, I'll keep them at Ti arm's-length forever and never progress past it. Unfortunately, the major Ti-bypassing situations don't present themselves very often. Sucks to be an INTP sometimes.
 

JocktheMotie

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Romantic relationships tend to form on the INTPs, rather than the other way around.
 

So It Goes

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I do find it hard to form romantic relationships--that's why usually a situation has to present itself that allows me to bypass the usual way of processing things. There has to be a major spark or a major click of personalities, etc. Otherwise, I'll keep them at Ti arm's-length forever and never progress past it. Unfortunately, the major Ti-bypassing situations don't present themselves very often. Sucks to be an INTP sometimes.

You described the core of what I felt the other day -- except I had the enemy attempting to infiltrate my Ti-Zone.

My defenses were up. My sensors detected forces that I had no intention to trust.

It's hard for me to fake interest when there's no connection (mentally or emotionally).

There needs to be a powerful outside attack to screw up my data base or I need to gradually trust the unknown forces.

(I've been watching a lot of war movies lately)
 

Tallulah

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You described the core of what I felt the other day -- except I had the enemy attempting to infiltrate my Ti-Zone.

My defenses were up. My sensors detected forces that I had no intention to trust.

It's hard for me to fake interest when there's no connection (mentally or emotionally).

There needs to be a powerful outside attack to screw up my data base or I need to gradually trust the unknown forces.

(I've been watching a lot of war movies lately)

Yep, I relate to that. I can't fake interest until real interest happens, and it feels fake when that much interest is coming at me too soon from the other party. I don't trust it, and I need time to know how I really feel about him, and if there's real potential. But if there's real interest that helps me bypass the Ti stuff, I'm more willing to just roll with it. I wish I had a solution. The traditional dating process has always seemed highly awkward and backward to me--spending time with someone you don't know in hopes you might eventually like them. I definitely prefer knowing a person first.
 

CzeCze

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[MENTION=14936]So It Goes[/MENTION] - what is your ennneagram and instinctual stack? I think that makes a big difference. The INTPs that I know well are quite different but when an INTP falls from my experience they fall hard and it's not uncommon at all for an INTP to be the owner of an unrequited crush or worse. One INTP friend has avoided relationships because she tended to attract very emotionally needy people (as you can imagine that's a bad combination with an avoidant INTP!) but the other is quite a relationship (sexual or otherwise) person with a steady stream of lovers and partners. She has a strong Fe streak though even with her misanthropy.

Also, are you male or female? You mention feeling people pushing you into sex, do you think that's for affection/relationships or purely for sex?
 

So It Goes

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[MENTION=14936]So It Goes[/MENTION] - what is your ennneagram and instinctual stack? I think that makes a big difference. The INTPs that I know well are quite different but when an INTP falls from my experience they fall hard and it's not uncommon at all for an INTP to be the owner of an unrequited crush or worse. One INTP friend has avoided relationships because she tended to attract very emotionally needy people (as you can imagine that's a bad combination with an avoidant INTP!) but the other is quite a relationship (sexual or otherwise) person with a steady stream of lovers and partners. She has a strong Fe streak though even with her misanthropy.

Also, are you male or female? You mention feeling people pushing you into sex, do you think that's for affection/relationships or purely for sex?

I'm not completely certain of my instinctual stacking but I have tested as a 5w4 a few times before, and generally identify with that description more so than 5w6. I'm a male too. Like your first friend, I mostly tend to avoid romantic relationships and seem to attract people who I don't care for. This does not happen that often, but these people don't leave me alone when they first "like me."

There's been situations where people have pushed me for a relationship immediately, or sex after no prior signs of attraction, and instead of wanting to be around these people, I avoid them, because I hardly know them and want to progress into relationships slowly, after analyzing the situation. I think this stems from some of the factors I mentioned in my first few posts, but it generally takes me a long time to open up to new people and immediate pressure to put myself into their life emotionally makes me resist (and confuses the hell out of me).
 

CzeCze

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That seems like more an INTx 5 thing than just an INTP thing. From my experience it seems a "true 5" desire for objectivity first and being cautious while getting to know someone. Again from observation "avoiding" romantic relationships doesnt seem like the norm, though just not having as much opportunity or partners due to introversión seems moré normal. My INTP friend who avoids relationships does so partly bc in true introvert fashion she just cant be bothered (person doesnt hold her interest) and partly due to anxiety. I think its important to distinguish feeling awkward/shy around people and "not being interested" in relationships.

Also ha at you being a guy. I know another INT 5 male who has had attractive girls literally jump in his bed and he's said "sorry this is too fast for me" haha. So atypical for a young man.
 

So It Goes

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That seems like more an INTx 5 thing than just an INTP thing. From my experience it seems a "true 5" desire for objectivity first and being cautious while getting to know someone. Again from observation "avoiding" romantic relationships doesnt seem like the norm, though just not having as much opportunity or partners due to introversión seems moré normal. My INTP friend who avoids relationships does so partly bc in true introvert fashion she just cant be bothered (person doesnt hold her interest) and partly due to anxiety. I think its important to distinguish feeling awkward/shy around people and "not being interested" in relationships.

Also ha at you being a guy. I know another INT 5 male who has had attractive girls literally jump in his bed and he's said "sorry this is too fast for me" haha. So atypical for a young man.

I certainly relate with your friend, except about the social anxiety part. I am cautious and hesitant about forming or continuing relationships due to introversion. I consider myself a heavy introvert, even though when I'm around people, I seem extroverted. I can be outgoing and talkative, but I desperately need alone time to recover and the freedom to stay away from distractions. I also think, as a type-5, that there's this overwhelming sense that I am not prepared enough, or knowledgeable enough, to really engage the world, so I feel the need to examine a situation before I feel comfortable. And I do notice that I'm much more happy when I can take that role as an outside, detached observer, rather than mixing myself up with people. I deeply value the distance I have, but at the same time, I am fascinated by people's thoughts and behaviors.
 

Coriolis

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I also think, as a type-5, that there's this overwhelming sense that I am not prepared enough, or knowledgeable enough, to really engage the world, so I feel the need to examine a situation before I feel comfortable. And I do notice that I'm much more happy when I can take that role as an outside, detached observer, rather than mixing myself up with people. I deeply value the distance I have, but at the same time, I am fascinated by people's thoughts and behaviors.
Yes, this all sounds very 5-ish. The same applies to me, with the exception that I feel well-prepared to engage the world when I have the expertise to do so successfully (e.g. at work). It is much less like my INTP, though, who is probably a 9 rather than a 5.
 

Redbone

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Romantic relationships tend to form on the INTPs, rather than the other way around.


Yeah. If you stay still too long, a spore will attach and begin to grow. Going through decontamination is even worse.

Type 5 definitely plays into this. I am often worried about being 'sucked dry'. Not having enough __________ for me and that person. It's hard to explain it in concrete terms but I am afraid of being consumed. It's even harder to deal with when I get moments of intense feeling toward people. I'm more apt to push people away when that happens because I am at war with myself trying to control those feelings.
 

Anaita

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Out of curiosity, do INTPs tend to have a relatively clear idea about what they would want in regards to a long-term partner?
 

Xyk

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Out of curiosity, do INTPs tend to have a relatively clear idea about what they would want in regards to a long-term partner?

Spoken only from personal thoughts:

I have a very specific "ideal" situation of how I would want that to go. I do look for potential to live up to that in girls I'm interested in, but wouldn't turn someone down immediately because they don't have much of that potential. I'm also pretty open to the reality that it almost definitely won't happen exactly as I want it, and that I'll probably want something different in the future.
 

NotOfTwo

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I do find it difficult to form relationships, which is why when I manage to form meaningful and emotionally moving relationships, I find them hard to let go.

I do find it hard to form romantic relationships--that's why usually a situation has to present itself that allows me to bypass the usual way of processing things. There has to be a major spark or a major click of personalities, etc. Otherwise, I'll keep them at Ti arm's-length forever and never progress past it. Unfortunately, the major Ti-bypassing situations don't present themselves very often. Sucks to be an INTP sometimes.

For real.
 
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