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[NT] how do you get to know someone?

think2much

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I been talking to this girl couple times now and I really enjoy talking to her. After talking to her for like 3times I asked her out on a date. She said "I don't really know you that well". This isn't the first time I heard this from girls. I had multiple times when I asked out girls(yes, I did talk to them couple times before) and they told me "I don't even know you".

What is that even mean?!?!?!?!?!?! I start out with small talk and talk about our interests..... isn't that how you get to know someone? One of the girl said, "we never had a deep conversation". WHAT IS DEEP CONVERSATION?

I never really had a true friend and if you been reading my post I never had a gf or dated one. friendship/relationship were always struggle with me. Even during college my friends never really called me, I would either just go to their dorms and play video games or eat together. I just don't really understand it to be honest. I know that if I don't fix this, I'm going to be missing some areas in life.
 

MacGuffin

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They don't want to date you.

The end.
 

kyuuei

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^ This is what I'd say too.. At least, they don't want to date you yet.

I think this is part of that weird thing we do now-a-days where dating a guy/girl means you might as well already be shacking up, living together, and picking out rings. So, instead of dating being THE way to get to know each other.. a casual encounter with INTENTIONS of Possibly being more than friends, but no pressure to be anything more than friends.. "date" now means you might as well not be with anyone else or thinking about anyone else or you might be a whore.

I'd just try asking to hang out... That's the new "date" honestly.
 

wildflower

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What is that even mean?!?!?!?!?!?! I start out with small talk and talk about our interests..... isn't that how you get to know someone? One of the girl said, "we never had a deep conversation". WHAT IS DEEP CONVERSATION?

do you talk about anything personal at all in these conversations? e.g. telling them things about yourself or asking them things about themselves? maybe the conversation is too impersonal so they still feel a bit like you are a stranger. also, how long would you say these conversations were? 5 minutes? if i had only spoken with someone very briefly a few times i'm not sure i'd feel comfortable dating them. part of that is just for safety's sake. maybe try to keep building a bit more rapport before you ask them out. good luck. i'm sure you'll get the hang of it with practice.
 

Lady_X

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i'd totally never go out with someone without chatting with them for awhile first...i don't mean once or twice...unless possibly if those couple times were like hours while somehow meeting through mutual friends or something.
 

Lady_X

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also...yeah...the conversation has to be personal...or vibey...there has to be some spark of a connection at the very least.
 
A

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I been talking to this girl couple times now and I really enjoy talking to her. After talking to her for like 3times I asked her out on a date. She said "I don't really know you that well". This isn't the first time I heard this from girls. I had multiple times when I asked out girls(yes, I did talk to them couple times before) and they told me "I don't even know you".

She's a little heartbreaker, lolz! It means she doesn't want to hurt you, but for whatever reason she's not interested in going out with you. My opinion.

What is that even mean?!?!?!?!?!?! I start out with small talk and talk about our interests..... isn't that how you get to know someone? One of the girl said, "we never had a deep conversation". WHAT IS DEEP CONVERSATION?

Girls don't typically say stuff like that to guys they like, which means, it means nothing. She's being polite. My opinion.

I never really had a true friend and if you been reading my post I never had a gf or dated one. friendship/relationship were always struggle with me. Even during college my friends never really called me, I would either just go to their dorms and play video games or eat together. I just don't really understand it to be honest. I know that if I don't fix this, I'm going to be missing some areas in life.

Don't let this get you down. It's a great big old world out there. Keep trying!
 

chickpea

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that's what i say to guys when i'm not interested and wouldn't really be comfortable going on a date with them. i agree that you should try asking them to hang out as friends less formally first and your chances will be better.
 

LEGERdeMAIN

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that's what i say to guys when i'm not interested and wouldn't really be comfortable going on a date with them. i agree that you should try asking them to hang out as friends less formally first and your chances will be better.

Do you want to hang out as less formal friends?
 

think2much

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^ This is what I'd say too.. At least, they don't want to date you yet.

I think this is part of that weird thing we do now-a-days where dating a guy/girl means you might as well already be shacking up, living together, and picking out rings. So, instead of dating being THE way to get to know each other.. a casual encounter with INTENTIONS of Possibly being more than friends, but no pressure to be anything more than friends.. "date" now means you might as well not be with anyone else or thinking about anyone else or you might be a whore.

I'd just try asking to hang out... That's the new "date" honestly.


will this isn't just about girls, I have trouble buildling up friendship. I don't understand what it means to be a good friend. If I'm friends with them they should know I will be there for them if they need my help. I don't think I ever had a female friend..... I don't even know how to maintain guy friends. I don't normally call anyone to hang out. I don't like to hang out anyway. I'm mostly quiet. Very introverted.

someone should write a book called friend 101 for dummies.

do you talk about anything personal at all in these conversations? e.g. telling them things about yourself or asking them things about themselves? maybe the conversation is too impersonal so they still feel a bit like you are a stranger. also, how long would you say these conversations were? 5 minutes? if i had only spoken with someone very briefly a few times i'm not sure i'd feel comfortable dating them. part of that is just for safety's sake. maybe try to keep building a bit more rapport before you ask them out. good luck. i'm sure you'll get the hang of it with practice.
Well the thing is I dont' want to ask very personal questions cause I don't want to violate their space. When do you know you can start asking personal stuff? yeah it can be 5minute small talk or more. The longest conversation I ever had with someone was 30minutes I think(in one setting). I sound very robotic, I can understand that she/he might not sense emotions. Not really emotional type


also...yeah...the conversation has to be personal...or vibey...there has to be some spark of a connection at the very least.
well that's exactly what I mean. What do you mean personal? My interest? my dislikes? my past history? my past experience? my opinion? I feel like I"m sharing these things (in my head). I do move pretty slow, I take my time when I open up with people.

She's a little heartbreaker, lolz! It means she doesn't want to hurt you, but for whatever reason she's not interested in going out with you. My opinion.

Girls don't typically say stuff like that to guys they like, which means, it means nothing. She's being polite. My opinion.

Don't let this get you down. It's a great big old world out there. Keep trying!

Mostly when I get rejected they politely tell me they're not interested or they have boyfriend. I feel like this one was trying to tell me to get to know her better and try again. It's a rejection but it isn't just a rejection. From my previous experience with girls I always asked them out without getting to "know them". Now I understand I need some sort of connection before I make my move and I'm trying to figure that out how that works.

Sorry guys Social just doesn't come natural to me.
 
A

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Mostly when I get rejected they politely tell me they're not interested or they have boyfriend. I feel like this one was trying to tell me to get to know her better and try again. It's a rejection but it isn't just a rejection. From my previous experience with girls I always asked them out without getting to "know them". Now I understand I need some sort of connection before I make my move and I'm trying to figure that out how that works.

Hmmm, yes, I've seen the light. Maybe she is testing or was caught off guard. Your determination in the face of uncertainty is attractive. I guess she needs a little persuasion; it's worth another shot. Emotionally connect. Try to get her talking about how she's feeling about stuff, not related to you or your relationship. She probably wants assurance that you see past the surface and care to get to know the 'real' her on the inside; hence she's testing [possibly]. A lot of men fail to do that, which puts you ahead of the game, if you can. A quality girl will want a quality guy.
 

Lady_X

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okay...who is this person and how do you know her? i'm just saying...for me personally...there has to be a vibe. it has to feel natural and unforced...i hate pushy...i hate calculated...i hate feeling like someone is talking to me to gain something or achieve something...but truth be told if the vibe is there it doesn't matter what we're talking about...at first....but eventually...yes...i will want to know that you're someone i could have deep discussions with...or random funny ones...just...a natural flow of two personalities vibe'ing off the other....i just don't know how this works for other people...i'm a sx dom and that whole energy thing is just very apparent immediately...or it's not.
 
T

ThatGirl

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Only read the OP:


Girl: Ah yes me too! blah blah blah.
Boy: Lol, you know we should go out sometime. Would you like to go out on a date?
Girl: I don't really know you that well.
Boy: :doh: That's the point of the date


If there is more to it than that, I don't know what to tell you.
 

xisnotx

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He could, theoretically, "get the girl"..without "getting to know her". The problem really isn't "getting the girl", but "getting to know her"...a problem he only has because he likes her.

He, effectively, likes the girl and that is what prevents him from getting to know her. However, if this is the case, does he like the girl, or does he like the "like" the girl produces in him?

Like you said..he isn't getting to know her (or people). And that's why the problem was solved.

Thus, "But, he likes her"..was meant as a sort sarcastic statement, alluding to the fact that he doesn't like her...something your statement pointed out, assuming it was addressing the op's requests, and subsequent discussion. Too tired to check..
 
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