[INTP] Why do I care about this stupid girl?

[Fluffywolf]

Sound great. Ey [MENTION=14120]Kirby[/MENTION] Kill off those sweet emotions of attraction and remain good friends. Thing will go extra smooth, guaranteed!

Jealous much?

 

[Thalassa]

He also said she has been a friend for several years and most of his descriptions are recent problems and might even be false assumptions or based on recent awkwardness, plus, they are young. The fact remains they were good friends for a long period before, so there is no reason to assume they can't be in the future at this point.

It's not about getting over miserable feelings the easiest way, it's about getting over miserable feelings the best way.

Um, I disagree. It's about getting over miserable feelings. Most times people cannot continue to be close if one person is in love with the other and the other is just not interested at all for whatever reason.

I had a best guy friend in high school who wanted to date me when we got to be about 18 or 19, and I totally saw him as my brother, even though he was cute and everything, and we didn't talk for a while, but now that he's married and has a baby and stuff we're totally friends again, like everything is as it should be.

Have common sense and be practical. I agree with Oaky.

 

[Fluffywolf]

All I know is I'd be miserable giving up a good friendship based on irrational thoughts. And considering what he said and their age, that's exactly what this would be. If it is common sense to walk away, I am glad I don't have any.

I never gave up a friendship at least.

 

[Oaky]

Jealous much?

Totally jealous.

 

[Thalassa]

All I know is I'd be miserable giving up a good friendship based on irrational thoughts. And considering what he said and their age, that's exactly what this would be. If it is common sense to walk away, I am glad I don't have any.

I never gave up a friendship at least.

But he says she's selfish, talks about herself all the time, and has a boyfriend.

I could see if they were adults, both single, and they had a really solid friendship, then yes, don't just discard the friendship.

But they're in high school, this girl probably sees him as "dick under glass" or "the friend guy who gives me emotional support when I'm mad at my boyfriend."

And he should remain miserable for her? I don't think so. I don't agree with your morality, as I think it is idealistic and impractical in this particular situation. I judge morals on a contextual, situational basis, and in this case it seems perfectly moral for him to walk away.

 

[Fluffywolf]

But he says she's selfish, talks about herself all the time, and has a boyfriend.

She's 17. Probably insecure on many subjects, talking about herself and looking for feedback is probably not an actual act of selfishness. I'm sure there is much more to it and if he gets over his feeling barrier, I'm sure he could penetrate that on a friend level.

I could see if they were adults, both single, and they had a really solid friendship, then yes, don't just discard the friendship.

But they're in high school, this girl probably sees him as "dick under glass" or "the friend guy who gives me emotional support when I'm mad at my boyfriend."

Exactly, it's a phase.

And he should remain miserable for her? I don't think so. I don't agree with your morality, as I think it is idealistic and impractical in this particular situation. I judge morals on a contextual, situational basis, and in this case it seems perfectly moral for him to walk away.

No one said anything about staying miserable, he just needs to put himself above that and look at what actually matters.

 

[Thalassa]

I think he should inform her why he's walking away though.

You never know. If she's under the threat of losing him, maybe she would realize she had feelings for him...or not.

But either way, it would resolve the situation.

 

[Thalassa]

She's 17. Probably insecure on many subjects, talking about herself and looking for feedback is probably not an actual act of selfishness. I'm sure there is much more to it and if he gets over his feeling barrier, I'm sure he could penetrate that on a friend level.



Exactly, it's a phase.



No one said anything about staying miserable, he just needs to put himself above that and look at what actually matters.

He's 17 too, WTF.

I think you're projecting some serious Fe onto this situation.

 

[Fluffywolf]

He's 17 too, WTF.

I think you're projecting some serious Fe onto this situation.

Yeah bit he's INTP oddball, used to being outside of the box, and if he is anything like I was at that age, I have faith in him in regards to this situation.

Hehe, I don't show it often, but in some cases and especially on some matters that are rather close to my heart, I do definately have a lot of Fe going on. I see this as a good thing.

My best friend is someone I once developped feelings for while she was in a relationship. I too first felt like just running off, there was awkwardness from both sides, she picked up on my distress pretty easily and it was rather annoying all around. I reflected upon the situation until I was satisfied and turned my feelings toward her in a loving way that works between friends and am still blessed with her participation in my life. Without her, I don't know where I would be, honestly.

Now Im not saying it's the same situation as his, but what if it could be? There is a lot to lose by going away, and there is not much to lose by staying. Especially for us INTP's to whom good friendships don't come easy.

 

[onemoretime]

She's 17. Probably insecure on many subjects, talking about herself and looking for feedback is probably not an actual act of selfishness. I'm sure there is much more to it and if he gets over his feeling barrier, I'm sure he could penetrate that on a friend level.

It's not worth the cost. The world's too big, with too many people, to waste time pining over someone who's going to take that much effort at best, and probably won't ever happen.

Exactly, it's a phase.

And our friend Kirby here is at the point where what he needs most is to live his own life, without needing to validate it through the opinions of others. His happiness should not depend on the judgment of what appears to be a very confused young woman.

No one said anything about staying miserable, he just needs to put himself above that and look at what actually matters.

Yes, but this is spectacularly hard to do when you're 17.

 

[011235813]

I agree with Oaky. You'll save yourself a lot of time and heartache if you decide to stop wallowing in what's bad for you as soon as you can. You haven't made friendship with this girl sound like a particularly rewarding experience apart from some temporary feeling of gratification when you were first flirting, so there's apparently very little reason to cling onto her on that account. From the description, she sounds like an emotional leech, and while I'm sure she has her own story and needs support and help and affection as well, you shouldn't have to provide that at personal expense to yourself.

I'm sorry you feel crappy and I know you can't switch off emotions just because you want to but gradually phasing out contact with her (or doing it in one fell swoop) does seem to be the wisest course of action.

 

[cascadeco]

If you will suffer around her and you have no chance to get her to reciprocate similar feelings towards you with your current relationship status with her then kill it. Simply do not be her friend.

I actually kind of agree with this. I know I wouldn't be able to be a 'friend' with a guy who I truly harbored romantic feelings for and wished for it to go beyond friendship. And it's not something I'd be able to suddenly turn off. Once feelings enter the picture, ability to be a friend without motive/desire for something else goes completely out the window. There's just no way, for me at least. I've sincerely tried it before...I'm not cut out for it or capable of it. There's no getting over the feelings unless I extricate them from my life for quite some time, so that the feelings no longer exist. The feelings don't go away while I'm still interacting with them / attempting to maintain the 'friendship'.

 

[Fluffywolf]

It's not worth the cost. The world's too big, with too many people, to waste time pining over someone who's going to take that much effort at best, and probably won't ever happen.

No one said anything was ever going to happen, this is about friendship, not hanging on to someone ust incase there is a romantic future.

And our friend Kirby here is at the point where what he needs most is to live his own life, without needing to validate it through the opinions of others. His happiness should not depend on the judgment of what appears to be a very confused young woman.

I completely agree with you there, but I fail to see how this has anything to do with the issue at hand.

Yes, but this is spectacularly hard to do when you're 17.

I'm not so sure it is that hard for an INTP. It requires time and reflecting. But I think the alternative is harder.

 

[Fluffywolf]

Yeah well, Ti says you're all pussies.

Anyway, you've got a lot of input and something to ponder about [MENTION=14120]Kirby[/MENTION], do what you think is best.

 

[violaine]

OP: Have you considered that you might be attached to the habit of thinking about and being with her because it helped you when you were depressed? Thinking about her a lot stopped you from feeling down. It's as though you've conditioned yourself to have a lot of positive associations with regard to her. In any case, it sounds like the friendship has outlived it's usefulness. I'd just find other interesting people to hang out with and stop thinking about her. That will break the mental habit.

 

[Fluffywolf]

It must be so easy to be a type that isn't INTP.

 

[violaine]

Lol, we all have our foibles.

 

[onemoretime]

No one said anything was ever going to happen, this is about friendship, not hanging on to someone ust incase there is a romantic future.

As [MENTION=1206]cascadeco[/MENTION] mentioned, once feelings have developed, they don't exactly just go away. Rejection really stings, and people have a habit of holding out hope for love where reason would have given up much earlier. The pattern shifts quickly from a healthy one based on mutual respect and esteem, to one of dysfunction and codependency.

I completely agree with you there, but I fail to see how this has anything to do with the issue at hand.

Certainly, if he's sticking around, he likes the girl and wants her to like him back, and that this would make him feel better about himself. Instead, he should concentrate on improving himself, and if she's attracted to him, she'll let him know somehow. Furthermore, if he wants to be a friend, this is how one goes about being a better friend to others.

I'm not so sure it is that hard for an INTP. It requires time and reflecting. But I think the alternative is harder.

Exactly the opposite. It requires not thinking so damn much. It requires being comfortable enough in your own skin to just be.

 

[Thalassa]

It must be so easy to be a type that isn't INTP.

Bah you could say this about any type. I've sometimes thought it would be so nice to not feel so deeply and especially not to be so open about my emotions, like I'm embarrassed of it, but then I think no that's not true because feeling deeply is a huge part of who I am and even what I'm good at.

Sometimes our biggest strength is also our biggest flaw, depending on how it's channeled. Everybody has vulnerable points.

 

[Fluffywolf]

As [MENTION=1206]cascadeco[/MENTION] mentioned, once feelings have developed, they don't exactly just go away. Rejection really stings, and people have a habit of holding out hope for love where reason would have given up much earlier. The pattern shifts quickly from a healthy one based on mutual respect and esteem, to one of dysfunction and codependency.



Certainly, if he's sticking around, he likes the girl and wants her to like him back, and that this would make him feel better about himself. Instead, he should concentrate on improving himself, and if she's attracted to him, she'll let him know somehow. Furthermore, if he wants to be a friend, this is how one goes about being a better friend to others.



Exactly the opposite. It requires not thinking so damn much. It requires being comfortable enough in your own skin to just be.

Yeah, but, dude, INTP, thinking is what we do. What we love to do. And I sympathize with cascadeco's example, and I applaud her courage to at least try it, and once she realized there wasn't any salvation for her she decided the other option. But emotion wise, INTP and INFJ are two entirely different creatures.