[INTP] for socially awkward INTP, how does relationship happen?

[Fluffywolf]

Saturned post is great, but soon you will realize you do great on your own and you don't really need all that social mumbo jumbo around you, if things happen they happen, but it's not like you to go and try and seek stuff out. You'll start to believe trying to find a relationship is just not worth it, you are not cut out for it and you need to change unrealistically much to be able to be cut out for it in the first place. Your depression will start to fade, you'll start to feel good and strong about yourself. You can face this world head on and dive into all its splendor without needing a woman on your arm! You will even smile unlike you have ever smiled before, shortly halting you and hoping no one saw that smile because that would kill your rep. You'll walk upright, do your job, indulge in hobbies, eventually you go to sleep at night. You linger in nothingness for a moment, yes, there's really no doubt in your mind, you are at peace, you close your eyes and pull your second pillow to your chest, smiling briefly before falling into your dreams.

Now confidently strawling around in life you will accidentally bump into this girl. She wasn't very noticable to you at first, in fact it was almost like she just suddenly appeared out of nowhere! And on top of that, she bumped right into your coffeecup holding arm, spilling all the coffee over your shirt. You give her a frustrated look and think a loud "damnit", her eyes look back at your fiery ones apologetically. Disarmed and ashamed, she says sorry before trying to shuffle under a nearby rock. You look at her scurrying off, but you are not satisfied with this.. Do you yell "Wait!"? Or do you let her dissappear. You think for a split second, you don't know, but this is not right. Shit damn it all to hell, you take in a deep breath...




..."You owe me coffee!" And dat how relationship happen!

(Now, it is not neccesarily considered healthy to start walking around holding a filled coffee cup 24/7, so it would be better to see it as a metaphor.)

 

[pardo]

..."You owe me coffee!" And dat how relationship happen!

I am never that friendly with strangers, and I avoid the chitchat and idiots at the coffee machine by bringing my own snacks from home.
If ur socially awkward, *you* have to *make* it happen.

 

[think2much]

It's been about a month since I last posted. I tried talking to people and realize dating/socializing is impossible for me. I really enjoy NT but rest of the personality I have no common interest. It has nothing to do with being INTP, there's tons of INTP with good friends and gf. The problem is me. This isn't something that can be "fixed", this is who I am and I need to live with it. Last month was the hardest I had to deal with. So many times I wanted to commit sucide. Almost daily I was in tears in bed. Don't worry I'm not gonna end my life now. I already know all the advice your gonna give me but it's easiar being said than done.

Not really sure what's my plan, I just know that soon as my parents are gone I'm outta here. Sadly that won't happen for 10yrs or so untill than I'm gonna start abusing my body and not giving a fuck since that's the only thing I'm good at.

 

[Shimmy]

There's relationship potential EVERYWHERE. But I admit it's hard to utilize that potential most of the time. Especcially in places where you're not comfortable. So I would advice you to just keep doing the things you like to do anyway, but find a social situation to do them in. In addition you can also pick up some book on social skills and try to utilize them. Think of it as a game, where for instance the minutes of social interaction you have is your score.

 

[scorpiomover]

A few years back, scientists did a study of which types of men and women are the most likely to be in a relationship. For men, it was Extroversion, going out a lot. For women, it was Agreeableness, saying "yes", and being accommodating to people.

If you are a male, get some friends and go out a lot. Merely by going out, you'll be forced to talk to some people, and some will be women. Eventually, you'll get in so many conversations, that one will be with a woman who finds that she likes the things you like, likes your look, etc, and will start dropping major hints that you 2 should go out.

If you are a female, guys hit on you anyway. The main focus is to stop yourself from knocking guys back, or from giving out such anti-social feelings that guys don't even approach in the first place. Just start learning to be more agreeable with others. Find ways to say "I agree" to what others are saying, and to simply not say anything when anyone is saying nonsense. Be supportive. Guys will then think "She's cute. Want to ask her out. Here's a woman who won't rip my ego to shreds, and make me feel like sh*t, if I ask her out. If I ask her out, and she says 'no', I'll still feel OK enough to ask someone else out, if she says 'yes', then I don't have to. Either way, I win. Ask her out."

 

[Xenon]

It's been about a month since I last posted. I tried talking to people and realize dating/socializing is impossible for me. I really enjoy NT but rest of the personality I have no common interest. It has nothing to do with being INTP, there's tons of INTP with good friends and gf. The problem is me. This isn't something that can be "fixed", this is who I am and I need to live with it. Last month was the hardest I had to deal with. So many times I wanted to commit sucide. Almost daily I was in tears in bed. Don't worry I'm not gonna end my life now. I already know all the advice your gonna give me but it's easiar being said than done.

Not really sure what's my plan, I just know that soon as my parents are gone I'm outta here. Sadly that won't happen for 10yrs or so untill than I'm gonna start abusing my body and not giving a fuck since that's the only thing I'm good at.

Sounds like a plan! Since you're going to be hanging around for ten years or so anyway though, why not spend some of that time doing things that might improve your situation? I know it must make you feel frustrated and hopeless when you try repeatedly and can't seem to get anywhere satisfying, but you're also going to feel bad if you just give up. So it's not like you're going to lose anything by continuing to make attempts and try different things now and then.

Seriously, I hope I don't sound trite or dismissive. I'm actually in a similar situation (socially isolated, jobless, miserable, don't do anything with myself), and it's honestly difficult for me to read these types of threads when I'm in one of my self-pitying moods. I already know the kinds of things people are going to say, I know how simple and straightforward their advice can sound, how it sometimes just seems to highlight the difference between me and "everyone else" by making it look like "everyone else" can just get a fulfilling social life in a snap by taking a class or joining a club or whatever.

A lot of the time, it's not like that. It often does take trial and error and repeated attempts and pushing yourself to do things you don't feel like doing. For people like us, who don't click with most people and feel socially awkward and have been isolated for quite some time, it can be particularly hard to break out of that pattern. As you said above, it's easier said than done. But that doesn't mean it's impossible to do, and it certainly doesn't mean that the fact that you haven't gotten what you wanted yet means there is something intrinsically wrong with you and you just have to accept your life as it is.

Have you done much reading on this topic? Even if you don't have the energy to throw yourself into action right now, it can help just to look at how loneliness and isolation can perpetuate themselves. Being alone and feeling shitty about yourself can lead to certain behaviours and patterns and thoughts that end up reinforcing your isolation. Here is one page that discusses this:

Mistakes Lonely People Often Make

While it usually isn't easy to break out of that, simply seeing it laid out can help shift your perspective. It isn't that you are inherently incapable of building relationships. It's that the whole lonely/socially awkward/isolated/depressed knot can be tricky to untangle, and it can take some time and struggle. Accepting that there is likely to be some frustration involved, even if you do a lot of things right, can help you tolerate those times when things don't go as well as you want. Then you can gradually untangle these knots.

Best wishes, and I'll be reminding myself of everything I said to you here as I continue to try to deal with my own crap.

 

[Coriolis]

If you are a female, guys hit on you anyway. The main focus is to stop yourself from knocking guys back, or from giving out such anti-social feelings that guys don't even approach in the first place. Just start learning to be more agreeable with others. Find ways to say "I agree" to what others are saying, and to simply not say anything when anyone is saying nonsense. Be supportive. Guys will then think "She's cute. Want to ask her out. Here's a woman who won't rip my ego to shreds, and make me feel like sh*t, if I ask her out. If I ask her out, and she says 'no', I'll still feel OK enough to ask someone else out, if she says 'yes', then I don't have to. Either way, I win. Ask her out."

This is how smart women wind up wasting alot of time (or worse) with the wrong guys. The last thing women need is to be told to be more agreeable. If anything, most of them need to stand up for themselves more, and develop the confidence to tell off the jerks that pursue them. A bit of anti-social standoffishness can be a useful filter.