- Joined
- May 31, 2009
- Messages
- 14,497
- MBTI Type
- INFJ
Uber,
It sounds like a form of insecurity to me. You seem to always be looking for the validation of someone's attention. Even negative attention is better than none at all.
You want to have a relationship to everyone where they give you all of the attention and control over the conversation, wothout you offering any in return. Unequal relationships only work if you are in the role of the kid and you are being provided for, but have to accept the direction of someone else, or if you are in the role of the adult and are providing for someone else, and they have to take your direction if you are going to help them.
In your case, you are trying to maintain all of the control (the adult position) while taking on the least amount of responsibility (the kid position). In short, you want the best of both worlds, and it just doesn't work that way once you become an adult. Either you get messed up people being attracted to your company who are willing to feed your ego, or else people just vote with their feet and go elsewhere to interact.
In general, this seems to be an issue of not being able to put yourself into someone else's shoes. My own private theory is that it is impossible to do this unless you have a sense of your own needs have been adequately met. Unfortunately, once you become an adult, you are generally the only person that can fill in this otherwise bottomless pit of neediness. Others may even devote their lives to helping you fill it in by giving you all the attention you ever could ask for, and you'll just move along to someone else or start wishing other things to fill the void. Therefore, if your needs weren't met when you needed it in the past, you will become obsessed with looking out for yourself first. You just don't have any margin left over so that you have something extra to hand out to others.
Happily, there is a cure for this, although it is not an instant one and it takes some determination to make it happen. You can only quit doing what is not working well for you once you can stand to look at the futility of your circumstances and identify what old need wasn't met that you are now trying to fill in this way. Once you come to a sense of futility about changing or going after what is past and see the person who should have given it to you through realistic lenses (neither villain nor saint), then you can move on and start trying out different ways of looking at the world and interacting with it. You develop resillience to deal with disappointments, and also get out of the old ruts that keep you doing what will make others reject you. When you quit doing things that do not work for you, it not only increases your ability to bounce back and to come up with new solutions, but it reduces feelings of aggression that are the natural product of frustration. This also clears space in your mind to focus on others and their interests or needs and build a sense of empathy and interest in them.
It sounds like a form of insecurity to me. You seem to always be looking for the validation of someone's attention. Even negative attention is better than none at all.
You want to have a relationship to everyone where they give you all of the attention and control over the conversation, wothout you offering any in return. Unequal relationships only work if you are in the role of the kid and you are being provided for, but have to accept the direction of someone else, or if you are in the role of the adult and are providing for someone else, and they have to take your direction if you are going to help them.
In your case, you are trying to maintain all of the control (the adult position) while taking on the least amount of responsibility (the kid position). In short, you want the best of both worlds, and it just doesn't work that way once you become an adult. Either you get messed up people being attracted to your company who are willing to feed your ego, or else people just vote with their feet and go elsewhere to interact.
In general, this seems to be an issue of not being able to put yourself into someone else's shoes. My own private theory is that it is impossible to do this unless you have a sense of your own needs have been adequately met. Unfortunately, once you become an adult, you are generally the only person that can fill in this otherwise bottomless pit of neediness. Others may even devote their lives to helping you fill it in by giving you all the attention you ever could ask for, and you'll just move along to someone else or start wishing other things to fill the void. Therefore, if your needs weren't met when you needed it in the past, you will become obsessed with looking out for yourself first. You just don't have any margin left over so that you have something extra to hand out to others.
Happily, there is a cure for this, although it is not an instant one and it takes some determination to make it happen. You can only quit doing what is not working well for you once you can stand to look at the futility of your circumstances and identify what old need wasn't met that you are now trying to fill in this way. Once you come to a sense of futility about changing or going after what is past and see the person who should have given it to you through realistic lenses (neither villain nor saint), then you can move on and start trying out different ways of looking at the world and interacting with it. You develop resillience to deal with disappointments, and also get out of the old ruts that keep you doing what will make others reject you. When you quit doing things that do not work for you, it not only increases your ability to bounce back and to come up with new solutions, but it reduces feelings of aggression that are the natural product of frustration. This also clears space in your mind to focus on others and their interests or needs and build a sense of empathy and interest in them.
People like getting validation, too, you know, just like you do. 
Usually you can quote people and insert some of your own ideas. That's how people talk. Someone offers something to talk about and you either talk about it or remain silent. You aren't supposed to create a sub-thread within the thread babbling poorly related things and expect people are gonna pay attention. Imagine you are on a topic about ''how religion affects people's lives'' and someone stomps in saying ''god doesn't exist''.
