[ENTJ] ENTJ women - Is there something I should know ?

[FireLion]

Hi im an ENFP male - Im living in France and currently dating one of your kind an ENTJ woman. I am extremely creative, loving/affectionate, passionate guy. Not wishy washy though like some ENFPs can be, im a rocker bad boy but also extremely loyal and fidel.

Ok the problem is my ENTJ girl seems so distant and rather uncaptured by me, she gives me affection but its not consistant at all. I am also 31 and she is 22.

last night I asked her again - if she prefered me just as a friend instead of a boyfriend and she gave me quite a telling off infront of other people in a bar, she even went as far to say I have asked her this question 3 times now and its getting on her nerves and she walked out (She did return a little later to give me a small carress I guess to show all was ok).

The thing is im confused, She kisses me only when she wants to kiss me, we spend time together only when she wants to spend time together...... She will go a day or two and she will have no need to speak or contact me. The build up to getting into the relationship with her was exciting and puzzling, I was proud I got the girl after a 3 month ladder climb with her, she was in no rush and quite confusing..... But now we are in a relationship, I can barely tell if i am actually in one !

Is this how ENTJ women funtion ? , they get the guy and treat him basically like a pet animal ? or does the relationship grow bigger and stronger allowing the affection to grow stronger in effect ?

Or do I just accept this may not be the best match ?

By the way my ENTJ girl is stunning, tall, beautiful and strong willed, she has a lot of male attention and she told me she hadnt dated for 2 years prior to me, she said she choose me because I looked at her differently not like how other men look at her.

I want to keep her - but this lack of excitement and consistant affection is driving me crazy !

Advice please !! do you suggest I stay with this relationship or not. I really need it to get more exciting and closer.

 

[figsfiggyfigs]

Hmm. She seems to be annoyed at your constant need for reassurance. If you're already in a relationship, why do you feel like she has to prove to you that she wants you as a boyfriend? I doubt she would be dating you if she didn't like you and feel some sort of romantic pull towards you.

There needn't be a constant reassurance when the decision has already been made. No need for constant contact, because you KNOW the other person is there when you want them to be, if they're not, it's no loss.
If you want to speak to her, pick up the phone, and call. I doubt she'll bother calling unless it is for a good reason. Chit-chat and small talk is unnecessary. Physical affection is about the moment, not something that needs to be constant to be proof of desire.
Have you talked to her about this before? WITHOUT asking her if she only wants to be friends. I mean specifically regarding the amount of affection you're getting vs the amount you desire.

Honestly, if there is no change after you've discussed this(at a more appropriate location), and you can't keep up with the "lack of excitement/affection". Then I'd suggest find someone who is more in-tune with your needs/desires.

You shouldn't have to put up with feeling unwanted/dismissed.

 

[FireLion]

Thanks, I think its normal to have a desire to be close to your partner and share affection. Im not talking about swamping them but its fun to get in a boat together and get a little lost from the shore.

I have mainly dated strangely in the past Artisans, which kind of goes hand in hand with my profession for the last 10 years of being a musician. There tend to be alot of artisans in this field. Id love to fall in love with another idealist but they really seem hard to find for me in my life ..lol.

It just so happens that I have fallen for this particual girl ..the ENTJ.... And I wish it wasnt so because while she is really beautiful, she is also so unconsistant with romance and affection that its like being lost in cold space and then pulled back in for warmth before being throw back out again into cold space.

Dam im such an idealist lol.

Do ENTJs grow in relationships ? Do they see the relationship more serious than perhaps an idealist perceives them as veiwing casually/ hardly interested ?

 

[rav3n]

YWIR has pretty much expressed my thoughts so if you're looking for a moon eyed girl, one who will shower you with compliments and assurances of her affection, I'd say an ENTJ woman isn't where it's at. We lean towards being independent and need space to pursue our other interests and goals in life. Clingy =/= ENTJ women.

 

[ThatGirl]

To the OP, I almost became nostalgic reading your posts.

First of all. You can't and really shouldn't want to change her. If you are unhappy but convincing yourself that she can grow to better fulfill your needs, you are probably better cutting your loses now. The way you speak about her is as though you don't see her as an equal, aren't very sure how you got her in the first place, and so the whole thing isn't connecting with you due to your insecurity.

Unfortunately the more you ask her to soothe your insecurities, the more likely she is to become repulsed by them. Then ultimately, you. And so your insecurities become a self fulfilling prophecy. Probably by the time that happens you will be thankful for that, because at least you were right and called it on SOMETHING!

Regardless of type the only thing you can do from this relationship is assess whether you are getting what you need to from it or not. I don't care how gorgeous the girl is, if your needs are not met it is not for you.

I don't think you want to just give up on a potentially wonderful person, but potential only takes you so far. Know what I mean?

 

[figsfiggyfigs]

Thanks, I think its normal to have a desire to be close to your partner and share affection. Im not talking about swamping them but its fun to get in a boat together and get a little lost from the shore.

I have mainly dated strangely in the past Artisans, which kind of goes hand in hand with my profession for the last 10 years of being a musician. There tend to be alot of artisans in this field. Id love to fall in love with another idealist but they really seem hard to find for me in my life ..lol.

It just so happens that I have fallen for this particual girl ..the ENTJ.... And I wish it wasnt so because while she is really beautiful, she is also so unconsistant with romance and affection that its like being lost in cold space and then pulled back in for warmth before being throw back out again into cold space.

Dam im such an idealist lol.

Do ENTJs grow in relationships ? Do they see the relationship more serious than perhaps an idealist perceives them as veiwing casually/ hardly interested ?

What I read so far was " I'm used to being admired, but I'm not getting this from her right now, and its ticking me off"

I also read " I've fallen for her, but because shes not admiring me the way I want to be admired, I want to dump her ass, but I can't , because shes hot"

I'll say it again, in case you did not understand me earlier. If she's in a relationship with you, and she refers to you as her "boyfriend", then it is NOT a casual thing for her, and she is interested. There is a divide here, and you need to find someone who will fill it for you.

Unfortunately the more you ask her to soothe your insecurities, the more likely she is to become repulsed by them. Then ultimately, you. And so your insecurities become a self fulfilling prophecy.

This.

 

[Ginkgo]

they get the guy and treat him basically like a pet animal ?


...


I want to keep her - but this lack of excitement and consistant affection is driving me crazy !

Your karma is pissing on the rug. Maybe you should get out of the house; training takes too much time.

 

[MoneyTick]

But now we are in a relationship, I can barely tell if i am actually in one !

Welcome to Grayland.

She's looking way beyond your charm, intellect, creativity and flattering abilities. Charm and affection are superficial; cutting straight through the BS is where the real answers are at. She's probably learned more about you than you already know about yourself.

Aren't ENTJs esteemed as the best decision makers? They don't like making bad ones when it comes to relationships.

Don't give it anymore time, just tell her what she wants to know:

1) If you're really interested, how far can you take it? Are you looking for a long-term committed relationship? It's a yes or no question.

"I'm not sure, lets see where this takes us ..." IS THE END OF IT. Pretend you're talking to Judge Judy.

2) If you're in for the long-haul, are you a good investment? ENTJs don't need anybody to support them, they just need more leverage. They need someone who will amplify their ideas, and make things happen.

Are you contributing to her ideas, goals and projects in a constructive and innovative manner? Shallow talk is too cheap to buy into.

 

[figsfiggyfigs]

..... Pretend you're talking to Judge Judy.

 

[ReflecTcelfeR]

Welcome to Grayland.

She's looking way beyond your charm, intellect, creativity and flattering abilities. Charm and affection are superficial; cutting straight through the BS is where the real answers are at. She's probably learned more about you than you already know about yourself.

Aren't ENTJs esteemed as the best decision makers? They don't like making bad ones when it comes to relationships.

Don't give it anymore time, just tell her what she wants to know:

1) If you're really interested, how far can you take it? Are you looking for a long-term committed relationship? It's a yes or no question.

"I'm not sure, lets see where this takes us ..." IS THE END OF IT. Pretend you're talking to Judge Judy.

2) If you're in for the long-haul, are you a good investment? ENTJs don't need anybody to support them, they just need more leverage. They need someone who will amplify their ideas, and make things happen.

Are you contributing to her ideas, goals and projects in a constructive and innovative manner? Shallow talk is too cheap to buy into.

I wonder about these last two points. It seems that the other person in a relationship always falls second before the ideas of the ENTJ when you put it like that... Where is the compromise from the ENTJ? Is it a gracing of presence by them? I don't mean to insult, but it just seems like you have to force yourself to be submissive and if this is how it has to be then perhaps it couldn't work for me specifically, but it seems strange that you word it like that.

I suppose what I am getting at is if ENTJ's are known for their independence and equality why does it seem like ENTJ's never compromise when they are spoken about?

 

[ThatGirl]

Who knows my type but I will speak up anyway.

For me, compromise comes before I present my idea or position. I know with my ex husband he would always say I got my way. That wasn't the case. I simply worked him into the position I was taking before I presented it. Then when I was supposed to "compromise" I felt like the scales would tip on his side because not only did I think about him to start but he wanted to see some evident compromise on my end. Which gave him ultimately 3/4 say in any decision. Either that or I would have to result to salesman tricks and aim unrealistically one sided then compromise down....what a pain in the ass.

 

[ReflecTcelfeR]

That makes a lot of sense. Your idea already includes that compromise. His problem was that he didn't get to announce it so he didn't believe you considered it even if the idea was tailored towards that end. It's just trusting the ENTJ will realize and apply that compromise before they present their plan.

 

[rav3n]

There appears to be some viewing of relationships from a self-centric ROI perspective. If it's viewed this way from the ENTJ perspective, what's the OPs ROI when his needs aren't being met? Beyond physical attraction, it looks like it's not happening.

Within reason, don't all relationships require some form of compromise and laissez-faire acceptance? IMO, they always require a form of dance between partners. But if it's all about dancing and maneuvering, where each person wants the upperhand or is oblivious to the other person's needs, it doesn't sound to me like a relationship worth having and not the recipe for a long-term relationship.

 

[JoSunshine]

I only skimmed the responses, but I have to say that my ENTJ best friend is admittedly not touchy-feely, but is very consistent and has a strong nurturing streak (albeit in the most practical of ways). However, she is in her 30's and has become much softer than she was when I met her over 7 years ago. She is an ambitious person by nature and I think when she was younger her ambition was to develop herself and was driven to meet her own goals (not in a bad way, it's just where her focus was), now that she is older and things like career and finance are more settled, her ambition has shifted direction and she now strives to develop her relationships which makes her more focused on others. I speculate that this could be a typical development pattern of many ENTJs.

 

[xisnotx]

I really like ENTJish women. Once you know how their mind works you can pull the strings in the relationship. There is only one problem...they are smart enough to know how to pull your strings. And ENTJs would rather be pulling the strings..The result is a constant "string pulling competition" where the goal is to "win" because both of you are too stupid to realize that it isn't even a game. Someone is going to get hurt emotionally..both of you know this..and both of you are too emotionally retarded to care.

In my experience..yes they tend to not be very emotional in the traditional sense. They won't show any "warm emotion" unless they know you. But..if you know what to look for..the warmness is there. It's just hidden behind the coldness. For example..in the OP

she even went as far to say I have asked her this question 3 times now and its getting on her nerves

I've had this happen to me. It's confusing as hell. I'm still not sure exactly why this would get on her nerves..but it usually means you are doing the right thing. I remember once I was told "you are acting as if you don't already know.." and I responded "know what? what are you talking about?" to which I got no response. Eventually I figured it out..For some reason you are supposed to "just know"..

For someone who always seems to fall for the "strong intelligent overly confident bitch" (who are alot of time ENTJs) this is what you should "know".

1) She is always right.
2) She is always wrong.

^ If you can't figure that out..then you have no chance sorry...stick to the feelers.

Above all..I would say you need to know who you are as a person. ENTJ women know that they are a catch (or at least they think they know..and they act like it) They aren't going to wait around for you to get your life together. You need to know what you want from life...and you need to know whether that includes them or not.

 

[Lady_X]

interesting comments...i don't really know a whole lot about entjs but i know enfps function way different then all that in relationships...seems a bit tough to find a happy medium there. i do hope you find a way to communicate this with her in a way she'll understand and not just dismiss or become annoyed by....and really...if not then i guess you'll see that it's not the best long term match anyway.

 

[Glycerine]

Be blunt in a non-accusatory way. I have been around several EXTJ women and they seem to hate "beating around the bush" but at the same time can be "sensitive" (just be real with them). If one isn't getting his or her needs met, then one shouldn't expect the other to change for them other than a possible compromise. What you want seems like a great leap for how the mentioned (in the OP) ENTJ naturally is. Figure out the core traits (beyond looks) you want in a SO and use that as a guideline.

 

[Lark]

I'd love to date an ENTJ girl.

 

[JivinJeffJones]

Haven't read much beyond the OP, and my experience with ENTJ women is non-existent. I have known some ENTJ men though, and know that if you aren't prepared to regularly stand up to them and go toe-to-toe in a conflict situation they will think less of you. That doesn't mean you have to yell or get angry or any of that -- just openly stand by your convictions and refuse to be bullied. Don't surrender or even fake-surrender for the sake of harmony.

But yeah, I don't know any ENTJ women irl. Good luck.

 

[21%]

I think I only know one ENTJ woman in real life. She's my ex-boss and is super scary

To the OP: you need to understand that your Ti/Fe and her Te/Fi are gonna have major problems communicating. I also want to say that your need for reassurance isn't a sign of weakness or clingy-ness. It's completely normal that your Fe needs to express and receive affection in everyday interactions. You need to understand, however, that Te/Fi people do not feel this need; not showing affection doesn't mean they don't feel it. You need to ask yourself if you are okay with this, because she will NOT change.

Your best course of action right now is perhaps to talk openly (without blame) with her about this. At 22, she might have a hard time understanding why a 30-year-old guy would be so in need of emotional reassurance and might take it negatively. It's a tricky pairing; you both need to be mature and accepting for it to work out.

But, as an idealist, I'd say every relationship can work. Good luck!