[INTJ] Introverts: Sounding stupid during 'small talk'?

[rav3n]

So...what's stopping everyone from turning small talk into banter?

 

[INTPness]

So...what's stopping everyone from turning small talk into banter?

Lots of da pplz dont likez da banter. Dey alwayz turnz it back into da small talkz. I kan only banter about da weather for so long. When I banter, they're eyez glaze over. It's either small talk or nuthin. True story.

 

[INTPness]

This is why *some* Ne users have trouble connecting to the rest of the world at times. It's sometimes difficult to connect. It's like I can connect if I throw Ne in the trash for the day, other than that, good luck. Now, some Ne users have it all figured out and are brilliant at connecting with whoever they want, whenever they want, about whatever topic they want. Personally, I'm still working on it.

 

[xisnotx]

Small talk isn't about them..it's about you. Banter isn't about you...it's about them.

 

[strawberries]

So...what's stopping everyone from turning small talk into banter?

yes, you don't have to be passive in a conversation. be bossy like us with the big Eness

 

[Redbone]

Banter is a sort of back and forth "challenging" of wits, battle of wits or being intelligently funny.

Lots of da pplz dont likez da banter. Dey alwayz turnz it back into da small talkz. I kan only banter about da weather for so long. When I banter, they're eyez glaze over. It's either small talk or nuthin. True story.

This. I try to do small talk/banter.

See result above.

I fall silent...and slink away.

I'm still working on it

.

Me, too. I've only gotten to not saying "God--you sounded like a total idiot! *smack*" every time it happens. Progress!

 

[prislee]

Hey guys, thanks for the replies!

It is definitely nice to hear some other people who share the same sentiments when it comes to small talk, and your different coping strategies ;P I'm still confused when it comes to quantity or quality, but I guess it also depends on the context. After all, its small talk. Its really better for social integration than understanding the world. Thanks again! I feel much better now knowing that I am not alone.

 

[IZthe411]

It's about making da connection- like peeps have said.

I like using it to figure out the person in front of me. I hate talking about the weather and all that. I try use some situation in front of us, maybe making light of the long line we are in. Not saying 'God this line is long' but something like 'this must be the best looking cashier in the place.' It's corny, but silly, and it opens the way for a smile if nothing more.

 

[NPcomplete]

I don't think there's a set way to go about this since it's mostly situational (for me). My version of small talk usually has a dash of absurdity and ridiculousness and still manages to be intelligent (somehow...at least I think it is intelligent; don't know about the other person's thoughts...). If the person has interesting replies, I might keep talking. If not, I try to steer them into talking about things they like (so I can day-dream and listen for words that could captivate my interest and elicit a response from me).

 

[Octarine]

Everyone sounds stupid during small talk. Such is the nature of small talk.

 

[INTPness]

I think this entire forum should be limited only to small talk. See if the activity of the site dwindles a bit.

 

[NPcomplete]

I think this entire forum should be limited only to small talk. See if the activity of the site dwindles a bit.

How about a small talk thread? We could practice our skillz.

 

[IZthe411]

Good idea^^

 

[CrystalViolet]

It gets easier as you get know the people you are engaging with. It's not a art I have mastered well, but it's easier when it's a little more personal. Although it is a little more banter like.

 

[Anew Leaf]

I think this entire forum should be limited only to small talk. See if the activity of the site dwindles a bit.

This makes me:

 

[IZthe411]

^ Panda in the hood.

 

[Coriolis]

Ez78705 is right. I share your sentiments about smalltalk. I also feel stupid doing it, not so much because the things I am saying actually are stupid, but because I feel as if I am trying to be something I am not. If people think I am too serious and not enough fun, I do not need to spend time with them. My friends do not find this to be a problem. Saturned's assessment is also correct:

Most of my INTJ friends have the same problem that you have here. A couple will "indulge" in small talk for awhile... but it is always as a means to an end in achieving some mysterious goal/project they are working on. Ie, I need to get this person on board with what I want to accomplish... and if that means I have to sit for 5 minutes and talk about the weather then so be it... So long as the actual SRS BSNS project gets started promptly afterwards.

And for the record... most of "small talk" is kinda dumb. I can be pretty good at it since it's just a part of my job working with lots of women... but I am not particularly fond of it.

Reaching a desired goal is the usual motivation when I willingly engage in smalltalk. I still feel almost sleazy inside doing it, but all for a good cause. And yes, groups of women can be the worst for expecting smalltalk, though guys can have their moments as well, sometimes on different topics.

 

[Octarine]

I think this entire forum should be limited only to small talk. See if the activity of the site dwindles a bit.

Well it hasn't so far...

 

[jenocyde]

My INTP hubby always trips over himself while talking small... for the same reason as the OP - thinking while talking. He gets so anxious that thoughts come flooding in and he's so focused on trying to say what he thinks people want to hear. Like it's some urgent matter of life and death, and he's failing.

The thing is, he just has had to learn to *listen* while the other person is talking instead of being so stunned that someone is engaging him. If he simply drops the hysterics and listens, then he can respond and speak about whatever is the topic. But if he's all wired from the mere fact that he's being forced to interact, then when there's a silence, he knows he's supposed to say something so he panics and blurts out the dumbest shit - because he's trying to think about what the other person wants to hear at the same time that he's talking instead of genuinely saying his thoughts on the subject. What can I tell this person to shut them up kind of thing. Instead of give and take, it's panic and reaction.

It's ok to pause. Listen, reflect (during a brief pause) and then respond accordingly. Not every interaction - big or small - is going to be meaningful or cure cancer. But small talk isn't always just about the weather.

I love small talk (banter). It's like being a butterfly at a buffet of flowers. Just a little bit of this, a little bit of that. My problem comes with "big talk". I make one little comment and my INTP corners me for a half hour, not noticing that I'm gnawing my own foot off just to get away.

 

[Hera]

Even if I'm not, I always feel like I'm putting people down when I participate in small talk.