[INTJ] Introverts: Sounding stupid during 'small talk'?

[prislee]

Hi guys, I'm sorry that my first post has to be a rant about myself doing very badly in small talk. It does not come easy to me, because I don't talk much unless I have a point to make.

Recently, I have been trying to talk more because this characteristic of mine has always resulted in some sort of emotional distance between myself and just about everyone else I know. Now, here's the thing. Although this trick has helped with my 'quietness', I now often end up saying the stupidest things possible. It is as if forcing myself to talk more is making me sound stupid because I resort to thinking while talking, which doesn't work very well.

Do you guys have the same problem? In this case, is it quantity over quality? After all, it is small talk.

I know I definitely don't want to sound nonsensical and retarded. But if I keep my old ways, I am forever going to be deemed 'too serious' and 'not fun' by everyone in contact with me. What should I do?

 

[entropie]

Well you have a connection here: by increasing the amount you say and talk about, you too will increase the bullshit you talk about. Cause especially smalltalk requires you to talk alot and thats just not possible for someone who likes to express himself precisely, quick and too the point.

Besides that the amount of people thinking you are intelligent will shrink the more you talk. Because people most often find the mysterious types highly intelligent, because they have no other category to put them into.

The problem you are seeking isnt to become more sociable, you'll be that all on your own if you want. Being more sociable doesnt involve to change your personality, on the contrary, people even respect you if you are weird as long as they aint afraid to talk to you or your ego is too big.

You need to become more self-confident in your abilities and learn that you are just like everybody else out there. Having a more sensitive way to see things, a more fine-tuned vision, lets you see often the billion things that can go wrong in a situation, you have an ability that many others do not. Still its your task to turn that disadvantage into an advantage and to say to yourself, even if everybody is laughing at you, because you did something stupid, learn to laugh about it aswell, you'll do a lot of stupid things in life.

 

[Qlip]

Also consider the possibility that you don't sound stupid while attempting small talk, you just feel stupid. If you pay attention, it's amazing how much inane banter is vocalized everyday and noone bats an eyelid. Once you realize the point: not exchanging information, but making connections.. then maybe you'll feel more comfortable with the process.

 

[Anew Leaf]

Hi guys, I'm sorry that my first post has to be a rant about myself doing very badly in small talk. It does not come easy to me, because I don't talk much unless I have a point to make.

Recently, I have been trying to talk more because this characteristic of mine has always resulted in some sort of emotional distance between myself and just about everyone else I know. Now, here's the thing. Although this trick has helped with my 'quietness', I now often end up saying the stupidest things possible. It is as if forcing myself to talk more is making me sound stupid because I resort to thinking while talking, which doesn't work very well.

Do you guys have the same problem? In this case, is it quantity over quality? After all, it is small talk.

I know I definitely don't want to sound nonsensical and retarded. But if I keep my old ways, I am forever going to be deemed 'too serious' and 'not fun' by everyone in contact with me. What should I do?

Most of my INTJ friends have the same problem that you have here. A couple will "indulge" in small talk for awhile... but it is always as a means to an end in achieving some mysterious goal/project they are working on. Ie, I need to get this person on board with what I want to accomplish... and if that means I have to sit for 5 minutes and talk about the weather then so be it... So long as the actual SRS BSNS project gets started promptly afterwards.

And for the record... most of "small talk" is kinda dumb. I can be pretty good at it since it's just a part of my job working with lots of women... but I am not particularly fond of it.

 

[Xenon]

Small talk is not something I enjoy or engage in much, but I've become less noticeably awkward for the most part. At least I don't get the "you're soooo quiet!" type of comments anymore. I still find it rather boring, and frustrating when I want more from people and don't know how to move into it. So I might not be the best person to ask, but I'll give you my thoughts anyways.

Also consider the possibility that you don't sound stupid while attempting small talk, you just feel stupid. If you pay attention, it's amazing how much inane banter is vocalized everyday and noone bats an eyelid. Once you realize the point: not exchanging information, but making connections.. then maybe you'll feel more comfortable with the process.

Yeah, this. I've learned that a lot of people just say anything to fill up the gaps, and most of it isn't particularly interesting and doesn't need to be said for any reason other than to have something to say. If you listen in on other people's "small talk", my guess is you'll notice they say a lot of things that you'd likely keep to yourself, thinking they're banal or pointless or whatever. Plenty of people don't even give it a second thought; they just say it anyway. Sometimes it works well and sometimes it doesn't, and they don't worry about the times it doesn't.

It might help to change the way you think about these exchanges. They're more about connecting with people, getting comfortable, building a rapport. It doesn't need to be particularly interesting or profound.

Also, if you used to be very quiet and have just started trying to change that, it's pretty much expected that you won't be great at conversation yet. It takes some practice and struggle until you get comfortable. I've heard a lot of people say they've needed to go through a period of awkwardness to learn decent social skills.

There's a website called Succeed Socially that's full of advice on social skills. Here are some articles that seem relevant to your situation:

The Point of Small Talk
How to be Less Quiet in Conversations
Thoughts on How to Make Conversation
Why It's Practical to Know About Things Others Care About

 

[INTPness]

What? You guys don't like small talk? Small talk is the best!

 

[Stanton Moore]

I like small talk. You can't talk about serious things all fo the time. It's a way of establishing that you are friendly and accepting.
Just smile a bit, don't frown. Be OPEN. Body language is more important than talk. Have fun, that's all. Talk about Kant when you're at school...

 

[INTPness]

I like small talk. You can't talk about serious things all fo the time. It's a way of establishing that you are friendly and accepting.
Just smile a bit, don't frown. Be OPEN. Body language is more important than talk. Have fun, that's all. Talk about Kant when you're at school...

What's the weather like in your home town today? Did you hear about Sarah Palin and her Paul Revere comments? Jennifer Aniston has a new boyfriend - word on the streets is that they are "very affectionate" with each other.

 

[Stanton Moore]

What's the weather like in your home town today? Did you hear about Sarah Palin and her Paul Revere comments? Jennifer Aniston has a new boyfriend - word on the streets is that they are "very affectionate" with each other.

OK, let's practice: It's sunny and warm today, in stark contract to the last 6 months! I'm loving it!
Sarah Palin is an entertaining fool. Don't'ya know!
I hope Jennifer Aniston is happy. Actually, I don't care. At least she's gettin' some...unlike myself.

 

[ez78705]

Hi guys, I'm sorry that my first post has to be a rant about myself doing very badly in small talk. It does not come easy to me, because I don't talk much unless I have a point to make.

Recently, I have been trying to talk more because this characteristic of mine has always resulted in some sort of emotional distance between myself and just about everyone else I know. Now, here's the thing. Although this trick has helped with my 'quietness', I now often end up saying the stupidest things possible. It is as if forcing myself to talk more is making me sound stupid because I resort to thinking while talking, which doesn't work very well.

Do you guys have the same problem? In this case, is it quantity over quality? After all, it is small talk.

I know I definitely don't want to sound nonsensical and retarded. But if I keep my old ways, I am forever going to be deemed 'too serious' and 'not fun' by everyone in contact with me. What should I do?

I used to worry about that too when I was younger. Don't worry about trying to appear to be fun to everyone. It's not INTJ's expertise. I just keep a few lines for small talk. Something like: How are you, I'm fine, thank you, etc... If it's anything more than that, it would be a deep one-on-one conversation, which is something you should be able to do better.

 

[INTPness]

OK, let's practice: It's sunny and warm today, in stark contract to the last 6 months! I'm loving it!
Sarah Palin is an entertaining fool. Don't'ya know!
I hope Jennifer Aniston is happy. Actually, I don't care. At least she's gettin' some...unlike myself.

I understand your point about being "open" and all that. And I am. I talk about this stuff quite often with people. It just tends to get real old very quickly when it's talked about for, like, hours at a time. OK, even 15 minutes can put me in a lull. But, 3-4 hours of it can be brutal.

 

[Minute_Maid]

Im istp, what i do is collect sets of responses that i think are charming and use those when the situation calls, get them from extroverts

 

[InvisibleJim]

I know plenty of people who are stupid enough to use small talk. Rarely are they introverts.

 

[INTPness]

Im istp, what i do is collect sets of responses that i think are charming and use those when the situation calls, get them from extroverts

Haha. I used to work with a guy who would walk into the office in the morning and sometimes he'd just walk right past everyone and keep saying out loud (nobody was even saying anything to him), "Yep. Great morning. Uh huh, weather is great. Just like yesterday. Thanks, I like your outfit too. Yeah, just e-mail it to me and I'll look at it." Then he'd finally reach his desk and sit down and start working.

He went on the "offensive" to deter the small talk.

 

[mochajava]

Interesting topic! I also struggle with this one too. Lately, I've been watching my fellow introverts who are very good at this, and one in particular has got a good way to go about it. She tends to ask people a lot of questions. Not the annoying type, but the general "I'm-interested-in-what-you-have-to-say" types. Often, they're very situational, so something concrete and in the moment. I think that the boring, details, situational things are often just a way of communicating that you're open, then more substantial conversation can follow. She might ask someone like, "so how do you like your program?" if she's meeting someone through graduate school, then you usually find something in common (a class, a professor, an activity) to talk about for awhile. I think that eventually if people start talking about what they care about or are interested in, conversations get very fun

How does that sound? Is it something you could try on for it? Asking questions? It takes the onus off of you to keep a steady dribble of interesting things to say. I find that I simply can't do that, particularly when I don't know how someone is responding or what they're about (allowing me to predict how they'll respond). Yes, a blackbox of a human being before me is quite scary. I (hopefully inaccurately!) tend to assume they're thinking awful things about me (most often they are probably distracted or doing something with their brain other than picking me apart -- I realize this fear is not founded, but there it is. I'll be happy to see this MO go).

 

[ICUP]

Don't think too much about it.... just do it. There is an element of stupid to small talk. Allow yourself to sound and be stupid sometimes. Most people do, and you might find that once you let your hair down, you have fun doing it. Then it becomes being fun instead of just trying to be fun.

Put yourself in positions where it doesn't make any difference whether you sound stupid to you or not. In a lot of situations, it really doesn't. And remember that one person's smart is another person's stupid, so it's just your opinion anyway and not everyone's.

Think of a list of things you wouldn't normally do.... put temporary red streaks in your hair, wear fishnets and a mini, go out and act like an airhead. And really find yourself not caring what people, or you, think....It can be refreshing, and a good way to dump stress and renew yourself. After all, what doesn't kill you can only make you stronger. haha.

 

[INTPness]

Don't think too much about it.... just do it. There is an element of stupid to small talk. Allow yourself to sound and be stupid sometimes. Most people do, and you might find that once you let your hair down, you have fun doing it. Then it becomes being fun instead of just trying to be fun.

Put yourself in positions where it doesn't make any difference whether you sound stupid to you or not. In a lot of situations, it really doesn't. And remember that one person's smart is another person's stupid, so it's just your opinion anyway and not everyone's.

Think of a list of things you wouldn't normally do.... put temporary red streaks in your hair, wear fishnets and a mini, go out and act like an airhead. And really find yourself not caring what people, or you, think....It can be refreshing, and a good way to dump stress and renew yourself. After all, what doesn't kill you can only make you stronger. haha.

This is actually really good advice, if you ask me. I mean, without *actually* putting red streaks in my hair, I think you said a lot of good stuff here for everyone to consider. There really is an element of stupid in small talk, but it can also be fun at the same time. And, yeah, so many of us (*raises hand*) can take ourselves WAY too seriously at times. To look stupid once in a while, or to sound stupid, or to talk about stuff that you have no idea about - it's really not that big of a deal at the end of the day. Life goes on, even if you had a moment where you looked stupid. I learned something here from you: Be willing to let my hair down more often, even if I look like a fool in the process. If I do look like a fool, who really cares? More Ne, less beloved Ti. Even though I don't smoke, giving up Ti is going to be a bit like quitting smoking.

 

[rav3n]

because I resort to thinking while talking, which doesn't work very well.

Isn't this what's pertinent in the opening post, not so much the small talk or unnecessary judgment of it?

You'll find most people don't enjoy small talk and dread situations like work related cocktail affairs. And yet, if you change the term to banter, most people love it! The difference is that with small talk and banter, it's not so much what's being discussed but who you're engaging with.

So if you like someone, consider it banter.

 

[Anew Leaf]

Isn't this what's pertinent in the opening post, not so much the small talk or unnecessary judgment of it?

You'll find most people don't enjoy small talk and dread situations like work related cocktail affairs. And yet, if you change the term to banter, most people love it! The difference is that with small talk and banter, it's not so much what's being discussed but who you're engaging with.

So if you like someone, consider it banter.

banter (to me) is an engaged exchange of chat between people. it breathes life into us and makes us feel and think and dream.

small talk (to me) is when people are primarily talking just to hear their own voice and are talking about topics that won't matter in 10 minutes, 10 years, or 10 million years.

Edit: banter is to tennis as small talk is to monologues.

 

[INTPness]

Isn't this what's pertinent in the opening post, not so much the small talk or unnecessary judgment of it?

Yeah, we just got off on another tangent.

You'll find most people don't enjoy small talk and dread situations like work related cocktail affairs. And yet, if you change the term to banter, most people love it! The difference is that with small talk and banter, it's not so much what's being discussed but who you're engaging with.

So if you like someone, consider it banter.

I don't see banter and small talk as interchangeable at all. I could be wrong, but I've always seen them as very different things. Banter is a sort of back and forth "challenging" of wits, battle of wits or being intelligently funny. Small talk is ---------- well, it's small talk. It's not challenging, it doesn't require you to be fully engaged (you could do it with 1.5 eyes shut), and 75% of the time it isn't very funny. That's just my subjective view on it, though. It's not that one is "better" than the other, it's just that I personally enjoy banter, while I don't enjoy small talk very much at all.