[MBTI General] Please help this xNFP sort out reactions to an INTP friend (with bennies)

[InvisibleJim]

You want the individual to treat you as 'their special friend' whenever they are around. They are not your special friend, they are someone you have sex with and that is all; you have made that clear and they have acted accordingly in response.

You cannot both have someone 'just to have sex with' when it is convenient to you and someone 'who treats you like their girlfriend' whenever it is convenient to you.

The summary that his emotional 'needs' are 'different' from yours is incorrect because it is 'Just sex'.

Personally I think you are simply clutching at straws to justify Guy B who you've been seeing anyway. That's fine too and that's your choice; just learn to be honest about it rather than plying some elaborate fairytale to the issue to make you feel good about your decisions. Reality is a bitch.

 

[I Never Find Peace]

PeaceBaby has it. This has been a close friendship, not something just about sex, and he did seem to be feeling closer to me.
He might have been for a while, or I might have been interpreting his NT behavior in a very NF way.

Why are people being so judgy about the concept of dating more than one person at a time? It's not like I'm engaged or married or have even made anything official. And why do people assume that if two friends agree to have casual sex together it automatically negates the necessity of treating each other with respect?

I really hate to be put in the position of flogging this tired old horse that should have been laid to rest in 1960, but would those who have judged me feel the same if I were male?

 

[Metamorphosis]

Why are people being so judgy about the concept of dating more than one person at a time? It's not like I'm engaged or married or have even made anything official. And why do people assume that if two friends agree to have casual sex together it automatically negates the necessity of treating each other with respect?

It's appears to be a freakishly common ENFP trait to want everyone else to treat your relationships like they're exclusive while you go on doing what you want until it's openly discussed and set in stone with one of your partners. The problem here is that you're judging him based on your values. Read your OP and count the number of times you say something like "I wouldn't do that" or "That's not how I do it." Well, I guess he does do it that way. You're expecting him to act based on your value system, but I would venture a guess that you would find it unreasonable for other people to expect you to act according to their values, especially if it was just resulting from a collection of misplaced assumptions. I think I'm probably just semi-reiterating what Jim said, though.

I really hate to be put in the position of flogging this tired old horse that should have been laid to rest in 1960, but would those who have judged me feel the same if I were male?

Yeah. I've seen males act similarly.

 

[Anew Leaf]

You're just completely unselfaware and come off as someone who wants their cake and to eat it too.

I dont see judgement. I see a spade being called a spade.

 

[Thalassa]

Yeah I see moral hypocrisy now on the part of the OP. You're all butthurt about your FWB ogling ladies at the club, but in the next breath are indignant that people are judging you for having casual sex and saying if you were male would you be judged the same way?

lolwut

I wasn't judging you at all but ever since you made that post I think you're morally inconsistent with judging yourself vs. others.

Annoying.

 

[OrangeAppled]

The difference with the OP & the INTP FWB is the OP did not seem to "flaunt" her other relationships or interest in other men in front of the INTP.
FWB relationships are tricky & only seem to last as long as other romantic relationships are not discussed, because people will get hurt even if they logically knew it was not a committed, exclusive relationship. They have an emotional investment that is being treated lightly, and when they become aware it has more value than that, then they get upset.

To the OP: I hope you realize that your hurt feelings are telling you something about yourself also, not just about him. Your emotions are telling you that this style of relationship does not meet your needs. When we feel "bad", even if it seems illogical because supposedly we knew what we were getting into, then it's often a signal that it's not good for us emotionally, even if we had previously thought it acceptable.

 

[Octarine]

When will people learn that polygamous relationships never work? It just increases the possibility of failure exponentially (where x=number of partners).

 

[The_World_As_Will]

When will people learn that polygamous relationships never work? It just increases the possibility of failure exponentially (where x=number of partners).

+1

 

[sciski]

I think the moment that emotional support entered the picture, it would have been wise to remove sex from the equation.

Either be FWB but with only the barest minimum of emotional support, or FWES but no benefits. Keeps things more clear that way.

He does not think my feelings about this are valid.

I think if you feel hurt, then you feel hurt. Feelings are feelings, they don't need to be 'reasonable' or have a logical or even rational basis. Feelings just are. Denying them because they're 'unreasonable' isn't actually going to get rid of them so you might as well experience them to the full so that they can go away by themselves.

But I'd like to echo OrangeAppled's words: your feelings are telling you that you're not happy with how things are going and that you're giving more than you would like to give. It's not so much a matter of who was right, it's a matter of what is the right thing to do now.

 

[redacted]

He is worried about how attached he's getting so he's trying to reaffirm that he is not attached to you. But instead of realizing this and having a conversation, he's being passive aggressive. He's also jealous that you are dating other dudes so he's trying to make the footing "equal".

Basically he's being immature. But you should examine what it is about you that attracts you to situations with boundary problems like these. Friends with benefits stops working when people become attached, and it seems like you guys are both there.

I say try for a relationship or end the sex. The middle ground isn't gonna work at this point.

 

[jenocyde]

Did you ever think that maybe HE felt used by YOU? Maybe all those nights you spent catering to his emotional needs showed a change in the way he thought you viewed the relationship. But you still kept dating that other guy and using him as your backup. You got your emo fix (which we all know you guys crave, even though you act like you're doing him a favor by "being up all night"), and he opened up and started depending on you - then you went right back to the other guy.

You keep saying that you suspect various people are taking advantage of you. I think that's something to think about... projection, maybe?

He's stupid for getting himself wrapped up in a game he doesn't know how to play. But you're delusional if you think that all of this is really just a game.

 

[Tallulah]

He is worried about how attached he's getting so he's trying to reaffirm that he is not attached to you. But instead of realizing this and having a conversation, he's being passive aggressive. He's also jealous that you are dating other dudes so he's trying to make the footing "equal".

This. I think he was starting to feel close to you, but he didn't know how to handle it. I agree with you that it probably would have been fine for him to say, "She's hot," rather than, "She's more my type than you," or "She's hotter than you." He didn't have to bring you into the equation at all, but the fact that he did shows he wasn't just business-as-usual when it came to your relationship. It could be that he was feeling close to you and wanted the sex and the emo support, but then when you invited him out, it felt like a "date," and he freaked and wanted to make sure you weren't going to be attached to him.

It sounds like it's not working, regardless of the motivations, though.