[INTP] Help a Sad INTP =/

[Santosha]

I need some INTP insight. I need to know if the following problems are typical for the INTP, if you think it might be a phaze, and if you can offer up any suggestions I might give to an INTP who is very close to me, and having a really hard time with life.

Is it normal for an 18 yr old INTP to be extremely pre-occupid with finding a girlfriend? This person is undoubtedly INTP. He might be very close to the t/f dichotomy, he's also been raised in a crazy feeler environment. But I find it a bit bizarre that he is sooo pre-occupied with it. He feels that he will never get a girlfriend. I've tried to keep him optimistic, but he isn't. Today he confided a few things to me that I worry about. But I don't know how to help him because I just don't understand.

He told me that he doesn't feel. He doesnt understand why or how to make it better, and I can't help him because if anything, I feel too much. He told me that he fears that he won't have anything to give to a partner because of it. Says he can't connect on that level. Says he struggles to connect with most people on any level. He says that he can't find the words to to articulate his thoughts and never seems to come across people that bring up the things he is passionate about. I tried to get him to elaborate on what goes on in his head, but we got interrupted. He has quite a few friends that come over daily.. but its more of a superficial thing. I know him well and I know he is lonely. I love him dearly as he is my brother.. and I'd do anything to help him. Is this normal? Have you ever thought these things? What has helped you connect with people? Are there things that INTPs can do to not have such verbal/mental/emotional blocks?

Any advice is appreciated.

 

[Nicodemus]

Have you told him that there are crazy NF people who are quite fond of unfeeling robots?

 

[slowriot]

Most of the time for me it was not being happy with myself and feeling stuck that brought out the longing in me. I dont see it as an INTP only dilemma. So many people get in to these cycles. My suggestion would be that you should talk to him about this some more. If he wants to talk about it, its because he recognizes there is a problem. Usually just him bringing it up suggests he knows he needs others help, otherwise he would have handled it on his own.

Why Im not giving specific advice is because INTPs are as individual as everyone else. And if you are open enough any type will be able to help any other type through a dilemma. Okay one piece of advice, he needs to recognize that keep being passive makes the longing stronger and that the longing might be counterproductive because it hinders his own understanding of who he is/selfindentity. He needs to find self-motivation beyond the longing.

And if he has no emotions or feelings, he would be better off at a psychiatric hospital. He needs to understand how his feelings and emotions define themselves in him and how much they actually interact with his "thinking". He might be surprised, if he's not too wacko.

 

[Fluffywolf]

It might be a result of his crazy feeler environment.

INTP's at his age struggle to fit in. We feel different, we think differently than other people, and we don't naturally fit in with big groups. We have to make a conscious move to act in ways to fit in.

If he lives in a predominantly feeler environment, it's thinkable that he struggles with trying to be like those around him, while not understanding why people around him are the way they are, and more importantly, why he is not like them.

His urge to find a girlfriend might be because he probably concluded that is what he needs in order to fit in his environment.

I personally think it's a good thing, though. It's just how we INTP's function. We are either obsessed, or unmotivated. We don't really operate on a normal level. If he really wants a girlfriend, I have no doubt he'll be able to find one. If he doesn't want a girlfriend, chances are he never will. That he is concerned about not being able to be the right person for someone is something that goes away when love comes anyway. I know that from experience. I too often feel I am not a suited partner as per my single self. But if I really like a girl, I sure turn into one. Just comes with the love.

And him saying he doesn't feel, is just saying he doesn't feel the same way others seem to do around him. INTP's feel, but we don't show this externally much. We cover it up and rationalize it with thoughts. We feel but don't deal directly with our feelings, we deal with it as logically as possible.

...

I, as an INTP that concluded he did not need a girlfriend at that age, and thus lacking any motivation to get one, am entering a phase in my life where I'm starting to get really weird.

I am starting to smile at babies.

...

Like seriously, what the fuck.

 

[Oeufa]

He's an 18 year old dude. He's horny. Simple as

 

[Santosha]

Have you told him that there are crazy NF people who are quite fond of unfeeling robots?

Ya, I've explained this. I've told him that even if he doesn't have a good grasp on his feelings he has so many other qualities, and that is when he brought up a lack of connection entirely. I wonder if growing up in an environment of feelers has caused him to measure himself against how we operate, and think something is wrong with him. I certainly hope not.

 

[Santosha]

It might be a result of his crazy feeler environment.

INTP's at his age struggle to fit in. We feel different, we think differently than other people, and we don't naturally fit in with big groups. We have to make a conscious move to act in ways to fit in.

If he lives in a predominantly feeler environment, it's thinkable that he struggles with trying to be like those around him, while not understanding why people around him are the way they are, and more importantly, why he is not like them.

His urge to find a girlfriend might be because he probably concluded that is what he needs in order to fit in his environment.

I personally think it's a good thing, though. It's just how we INTP's function. We are either obsessed, or unmotivated. We don't really operate on a normal level. If he really wants a girlfriend, I have no doubt he'll be able to find one. If he doesn't want a girlfriend, chances are he never will. That he is concerned about not being able to be the right person for someone is something that goes away when love comes anyway. I know that from experience. I too often feel I am not a suited partner as per my single self. But if I really like a girl, I sure turn into one. Just comes with the love.

And him saying he doesn't feel, is just saying he doesn't feel the same way others seem to do around him. INTP's feel, but we don't show this externally much. We cover it up and rationalize it with thoughts. We feel but don't deal directly with our feelings, we deal with it as logically as possible.

...

I, as an INTP that concluded he did not need a girlfriend at that age, and thus lacking any motivation to get one, am entering a phase in my life where I'm starting to get really weird.

I am starting to smile at babies.

...

Like seriously, what the fuck.

Thank you for this.

 

[Santosha]

He's an 18 year old dude. He's horny. Simple as

While a year ago I believed this to be the case, as with any teenager... I realize it's not. I've asked him about it and he is very clear that its not such a physical need.. says that he is doesn't think sex is that important and is quite baffled at how obsessive his friends are about it. He sincerely seeks companionship.

 

[Lady_X]

Ya, I've explained this. I've told him that even if he doesn't have a good grasp on his feelings he has so many other qualities, and that is when he brought up a lack of connection entirely. I wonder if growing up in an environment of feelers has caused him to measure himself against how we operate, and think something is wrong with him. I certainly hope not.

how could he not tho? i imagine i would if i were the only feeler in my family...my family was full of feelers...so i've grown up thinking that is the norm

my bf's dad is an intp and he's very warm and feish... he's fantastic with kids and an awesome husband from what i can see....so i'm thinkin intps in love will be just fine...

 

[Rasofy]

I don't think being obsessed about getting a girlfriend helps, most women don't want a needy men.
I've been there. Takes some time to find this lost self esteem.

 

[Blank]

I imagine that the problem isn't really that he wants A girlfriend. Anyone could get a completely random chick for a girlfriend, but that relationship would be pretty meaningless.

I can only assume that the aforementioned INTP wants to be understood and not be criticized by someone else. He wants someone to appreciate him for who he is. Of course many people can fit this role; however, I find it extremely difficult to reciprocate such a state of mind without there being some sort of "click," "spark," or instant connection.

 

[Orangey]

I would seriously doubt that he's an INTP.

 

[Hera]

Yay, sad INTP week. Join the club. We have t-shirts, mugs, and for the kids: A sad INTP Wii game! Yes sir. Sit down, hold that remote, and stare blankly into space while feeling every inch of your body rejecting your sadness and suppressing any desires to give in to nature!

...I need some sleep. That was a no-sleep induced wit fail.

 

[rav3n]

INTPs can be obsessive about almost anything, once they've convinced themselves that it matters to them. Had an ex beat himself up over our breakup for a number of years over something he did do, where I tried to make him feel better about it but nothing stopped the circular thinking. In his mind, had he not done it, we would still be together. That he couldn't find anyone else with chemistry as hot, just made it worse. Finally, I had to stop all contact with him with the hopes that he would find a way to pull himself out.

 

[Hera]

INTPs can be obsessive about almost anything, once they've convinced themselves that it matters to them. Had an ex beat himself up over our breakup for a number of years over something he did do, where I tried to make him feel better about it but nothing stopped the circular thinking. In his mind, had he not done it, we would still be together. That he couldn't find anyone else with chemistry as hot, just made it worse. Finally, I had to stop all contact with him with the hopes that he would find a way to pull himself out.

I get like that too. I think it's the inability to deal with emotional surges, it messes with us. It's a foreign object in our bodies.

And not one of the fun kinds.

 

[rav3n]

I get like that too. I think it's the inability to deal with emotional surges, it messes with us. It's a foreign object in our bodies.

And not one of the fun kinds.

With the ex, I'm guessing it was more of a control issue. Had he not done X, he could have controlled the outcome therefore he was always in control. So in order to continue control, he had to stop time as at the point where he had control.

What I've noticed from real life interactions with other INTPs, is in creating a framework for what is and was, there's a predictive nature to the future. He didn't predict that I would walk so I'm guessing that shook his belief in himself.

 

[Fluffywolf]

So in order to continue control, he had to stop time as at the point where he had control.

For real. I have caught myself doing this on several occasions and had to tear myself away from those thoughts. Being an entrepeneur, this is one of my toughest issues to deal with. The company needs to keep evolving, even if things go right, you have to keep pushing it. And it's easy for me to fall in a stalemate if things go well.

So far I've been able to deal with it just fine though. But definately not easy for me to do.

 

[Scorquendo]

from my experience, it's normal. i'm sort of in the same boat. i remember being offered a few chances to have girlfriends throughout high school, but i wasn't really interested in the social atmosphere of partying, dances, and being tied up. except for sex. i was definitely interested in that at all times, lol, and had i participated in the above, i probably would have gotten to that end a lot easier, which i suppose was a foolish move on my part. now that i'm in college, i've now had the desire for something long term which is probably a maturity thing (dont get me wrong, sex is still an important goal) and the problem for me is that i've never really had the experience in acclimating to the social norm of dating and college girls seem to have come to their senses with people like me; plus, they've had more experience and maturity in dating at this point, which is even socially awkward for me. my best advice is to distract himself with something else. like a previous poster said, intps become obsessive to things they think will mean a lot to them. occasionally, there's going to be mini-breakdowns, but he's going to have to deal with it because considering all the problems in the future/world, that should be the least importance in the grand scheme of things. it sucks, but the worst thing you can do is waste time and pout.

what i did was distract my frustrations with simple joys of mine like watching classic films, writing, reading, discussing philosophy, and having the occasional beer or two. plus, remind him he's only 18.

 

[Hera]

With the ex, I'm guessing it was more of a control issue. Had he not done X, he could have controlled the outcome therefore he was always in control. So in order to continue control, he had to stop time as at the point where he had control.

What I've noticed from real life interactions with other INTPs, is in creating a framework for what is and was, there's a predictive nature to the future. He didn't predict that I would walk so I'm guessing that shook his belief in himself.

Certainly, but I consider even the need for control to be part of emotional well-being. With my first relationship, he broke up with me 16 times (!) and I felt, each time, that a part of who I was had been touched. "How dare he not value me" turned into "what the fuck is wrong with me?" and each time, this feeling was accompanied by a lack of control of the situation. Since I can easily brush off problems because I can see they're not permanent, it fucks with my head when other people don't, and if I want things to work out and they don't, I lose that control.

/nonsense

 

[Andy]

I need some INTP insight. I need to know if the following problems are typical for the INTP, if you think it might be a phaze, and if you can offer up any suggestions I might give to an INTP who is very close to me, and having a really hard time with life.

Is it normal for an 18 yr old INTP to be extremely pre-occupid with finding a girlfriend? This person is undoubtedly INTP. He might be very close to the t/f dichotomy, he's also been raised in a crazy feeler environment. But I find it a bit bizarre that he is sooo pre-occupied with it. He feels that he will never get a girlfriend. I've tried to keep him optimistic, but he isn't. Today he confided a few things to me that I worry about. But I don't know how to help him because I just don't understand.

He told me that he doesn't feel. He doesnt understand why or how to make it better, and I can't help him because if anything, I feel too much. He told me that he fears that he won't have anything to give to a partner because of it. Says he can't connect on that level. Says he struggles to connect with most people on any level. He says that he can't find the words to to articulate his thoughts and never seems to come across people that bring up the things he is passionate about. I tried to get him to elaborate on what goes on in his head, but we got interrupted. He has quite a few friends that come over daily.. but its more of a superficial thing. I know him well and I know he is lonely. I love him dearly as he is my brother.. and I'd do anything to help him. Is this normal? Have you ever thought these things? What has helped you connect with people? Are there things that INTPs can do to not have such verbal/mental/emotional blocks?

Any advice is appreciated.

It's not that unusual. Such reactions are usually associated with their infeior Fe. Sometimes it gets ignored completely, other times you get this sort of uncomfortable reaction, a need to do something but an uncertainty as to what. It can be seen in ISTPs as well.

Better that he learns to extrovert through Ne. What way he will go out into the world and explore those things that interest him. In doing so, we is likely to meet up with females who share the same interests as himself, which gives a much better chance of a positive reaction than fumbling about trying to forge a relationship out of nothing or demoaning his while in isolation. Encourage him to join clubs or societies associated with his interests. Once he is out there amongst people nature will take over and do its thing, with a bit of luck.