[NT] NTs and pickin' up the tab?

[AgentF]

NTs, when you're dating a girl, what % of the time do you pick up the tab? what are your thoughts on this, expectations?

 

[Spamtar]

Mostly it is about who initiates the date. Typically the man pays for the initial dates. However, when you start "dating "a person to the point of commitment it should be closer to equal (although man pays a bit more when in doubt)

 

[ScorpioINTP]

Mostly it is about who initiates the date. Typically the man pays for the initial dates. However, when you start "dating "a person to the point of commitment it should be closer to equal (although man pays a bit more when in doubt)

This. I'm all for equal rights though. Depends on the type of date too, sometimes its dutch if is is more of an online meet 'non-date' to see if both parties want to pursue it further.

Women's opinions vary wildly in my experience. I've dated/met women who think men should ALWAYS pay in a relationship, women who are very independent and never like you to pay for anything and everything in between.

 

[AgentF]

Women's opinions vary wildly in my experience. I've dated/met women who think men should ALWAYS pay in a relationship, women who are very independent and never like you to pay for anything and everything in between.

how'd you react to her/them thinking that men should always pay?

 

[Hera]

It really all depends on the money situation at that time.

 

[funkadelik]

As a girl I appreciate the "going Dutch" approach where you pay for one date, I pay for the next, you the next, etc.

It's less messy than splitting the tab, but I guess it only works if you're in an established relationship and there's a good chance you'll be going on more dates in the future.

For first dates most guys (yes, this includes NTs) tend to seem adamant on paying and who am I to "damage their egos" or whatever? I get free dinner! *bonus*

But I tend to feel uncomfortable if the guys pays for everything all the time. It doesn't make sense, either, if we're both working adults capable of paying.

 

[Beargryllz]

how'd you react to her/them thinking that men should always pay?

Sounds sexist

 

[AgentF]

Sounds sexist

ha, fair enough. meant "you".

 

[INTP]

i dont date, but i think its a nice thing to do from a guy to pay. at least on the first dates, but if the guy if broke and girls swims in the cash, you could mention that you cant really afford feeding you so often in expensive restaurants if you need to pay for both. small stuff like ice creams etc on the guy. i guess it kinda depends on many thing. i think it would be rude from a girl to eat with 80€ and then expect that ofc the guy will pay, even it havent been talked about.

 

[Kasper]

If it was a date I'd offer to pay, in a relationship things tend to be more even.

 

[Totenkindly]

As a girl I appreciate the "going Dutch" approach where you pay for one date, I pay for the next, you the next, etc.

It's less messy than splitting the tab, but I guess it only works if you're in an established relationship and there's a good chance you'll be going on more dates in the future.

For first dates most guys (yes, this includes NTs) tend to seem adamant on paying and who am I to "damage their egos" or whatever? I get free dinner! *bonus*

But I tend to feel uncomfortable if the guys pays for everything all the time. It doesn't make sense, either, if we're both working adults capable of paying.

Yeah, from my perspective, alternating paying is a decent option if you'll be seeing each other for a bit.

My purse likes it when a guy pays, but at the same time if I do not know the guy well, I do not like the feeling of obligation I sometimes get if a guy has been shelling out all the money; it can leave me feeling like I need to compensate with something else, regardless of what it is. I don't like obligations.

If the guy asks me out to a nice restaurant, I expect him to pay. [Rule: If the person choosing the place for the date chooses something 'expensive,' they should offer to pay; and if they don't, the other person shouldn't accept the expensive place if they don't want to pay their own way.] If he says, "Hey, let's do coffee," or "Let's just hang at a fast-food place for awhile" ... so it seems casual and less "date-y" and the price is cheap, then I expect myself to pay my way. But overall I tend to feel it out and go with what seems appropriate based on context.

I would never initiate a date and/or choose the place and THEN expect him to pay for both of us, unless he specifically says so. And as far as etiquette, if we're someplace where I thought we were going dutch and he offers to pay or just goes ahead and pays, I always say, "Oh, you don't need to do that," and then if he comes back with, "No, I'm going to / I want to," then I just go with it graciously.

I just don't ever want to be seen as a gold-digger/freeloader type, but I've learned to accept a gift when it's offered.

 

[ceecee]

If I were a man, I would pay 100% every single time. Truth be told, I'd prefer paying 100% of the time as a woman too but that doesn't go over very well, I've found. ENFJ man hated this so much he would give his card to the waitress asap so I couldn't pay. He would grudgingly let me pay for other things on dates such as a movie or whatever. I didn't want to be a pain in the ass but it makes me very uncomfortable not to be in control of these things. Not that I felt this allowed me to dictate the direction of the date, that was not my intent. I did eventually learn after forcing myself at first, to just let him do what he felt most comfortable with and I went with the flow.

 

[funkadelik]

My purse likes it when a guy pays, but at the same time if I do not know the guy well, I do not like the feeling of obligation I sometimes get if a guy has been shelling out all the money; it can leave me feeling like I need to compensate with something else, regardless of what it is. I don't like obligations.

I know what you mean, sometimes I feel the same thing about obligation, but I just have to remind myself that "I didn't ask him to pay and I came on this date with enough money to cover myself. If he insists on paying that's fine, but I don't owe him anything."

There's no reason to feel guilty if he expects more and I don't give it. You can't BUY my sex or time or whatever.

But luckily most guys don't (outwardly/pushily) expect that sort of exchange.

 

[strawberries]

i remember posting about this in another thread...

when i don't know a guy well and i haven't been intimate with them i find myself wanting to go halvies for dinner etc just because it's fair not because i feel being bought dinner indicates i am being owned or rented out for the evening or whatever. similar to how you go out with a friend and generally split things so everything is equal-ish. if a man insists on paying i'm not going to sweat it out arguing about it - that conversation would bore me.

a guy who thought he could get me in bed just by giving me things would be a tool and would get weeded out because tools are not sexy.

i cannot be owned - i'm like outer space. human intimacy is now much more complicated than: man provide/woman need. i financially support myself and live a good life. i don't feel that being bought dinner is someone looking after me - it's just a night out.

when i'm in a relationship i love giving each other thoughtful gifts/treating each other to dinner etc. it's FuN. i'm very good at thinking of cool gifts and i enjoy exercising my talents.

 

[Unique]

I go to pay, then if she doesn't want me to I don't insist and I let her pay

I've found this never goes wrong I also do it this way cause insisting on things isn't really my personality so it's a way of showing my easy goingness