think2much i don't really know you or anything about you, but even from the smattering of posts here i like you. you just seem burnt out, like i've been lately...
but you've already said you can't commit suicide because of your parents, which in my books already shows that you care about people, and that's really all you need to be attractive. you don't even have to like most people, or even many people, or even like one person all the time. you don't have to be incredibly affectionate. you just have to
care, on some level, about one person - and you obviously already have two people in your life you care about. and maybe i'm an outlier, but i find it pretty attractive that you're feeling depressed to a point of not wanting to live but you're holding out for other people anyway. it indicates so much - that you love, even if it's in a different-than-conventional way, and that your worldview is bigger than just yourself. i think you know that, too - you clearly have a willingness to participate in a relationship.
this might seem kind of offensive, and i'm sorry if it does, but i've got to point out a pattern:
perception that humans/socializing is bad -> no hope for relationship -> believing something is wrong with you -> no self worth
it's like... you're taking a certain perception of general humanity and then applying it to yourself and blaming yourself for it. do you know what i mean? the problem isn't the people, or you at all, actually, it's just the perception you're looking at things through. the lens. you're blaming yourself for a certain lens, but you don't deserve that blame, the lens does. therapy can help you look at stuff like that.
just to give you some hope, speaking as a girl, i don't have any intents of playing mind games in relationships and i'm so loyal that i hang on to people even after it's clear the relationship won't work. not to say i'm an ideal person, but we're not all terrible and brainwashed. a little insecure and flawed, yes, but not awful. and out of about six million people in the world, you have a pretty good chance of there being
one who fits relatively well into your criteria. i think your plan to have one night stands is fine, but be cautious in that it might perpetuate the not-necessarily-totally-true ideas about women and the impossibility of relationships you already have.
as for socializing... yeah, it can be annoying and stupid. some people hate it. but the reason we do it is to sift through people and find the ones we like and care about, or to make connections that help us get what we want. it's not totally pointless, even though it might not be your favorite thing to do. there are ways to avoid it, of course. but you've gotten your idea of socializing from tv, not from reality. have you given real socializing a fair assessment? perhaps it is not always as awful as it seems...
Are you guys saying someone socially awkward, introverted, narcissistic and schizoid can change?
yes. maybe not drastically, maybe not quickly, but bit by bit and enough so that you don't have to feel this way. and these traits... considered objectively... they're not so bad. socially awkward isn't terrible, it's kind of cute sometimes. at least you don't just blindly follow meaningless social contrivances. and a huge portion of the population of the world is introverted, probably around half. that's like 3300000 people. everyone's pretty self-centered, that's nothing new. even if they're not self-centered on the outside they secretly are deep down. and psychologists have found many ways of working with people who are schizoid, both drugs and therapy, that can help you deal with the aspects of yourself that you would like to have more control over. the disorder means you're emotionally disconnected, yeah? from yourself and others? it doesn't mean you can't have self-worth or do meaningful things with your life.
as for the inertia... my mom told me this recently, i thought it was really helpful: don't think that to make yourself worthwhile you have to change everything overnight. NxP types try to do that... we try to make big global sudden changes. it doesn't work, then we get disappointed. she said that all you have to do is work on making just a few steps in the right direction, each day. enacting change in yourself sucks, it's tedious and hard - but it's better than not doing so, you can see that clearly already. maybe you could try that to... it's what i'm doing now. it's not so bad. sometimes i feel shitty about myself in general, but taking small steps helps you feel competent and worthwhile. even stuff as mundane as washing the car, organizing some of your stuff, etc.
can you maybe try coming up with some kind of a game plan, just a few little concrete things you could do over the next few days and weeks to move in the direction you want to move in... like in the direction of who you would like to become? you don't have to start huge, with loving yourself. all you have to have is a little hope that maybe you can change, and the fact that you're posting here says you have that already. and then just translate that into doing one forward-moving thing a day. you could start easy - you could schedule one tentative appointment with a therapist to question them about the process and worth of it. it's possible you might not even be charged much for something like that. and not ideas - they have to be actual actions to undertake... otherwise that NxP tendency to think and not do will kick in
good luck, think2much, i hope at least some of these thoughts can be useful to you. you're welcome to PM me if you want to talk.
oh, as for not sleeping - benadryl, if it doesn't clash with your other meds.