• You are currently viewing our forum as a guest, which gives you limited access to view most discussions and access our other features. By joining our free community, you will have access to additional post topics, communicate privately with other members (PM), view blogs, respond to polls, upload content, and access many other special features. Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free, so please join our community today! Just click here to register. You should turn your Ad Blocker off for this site or certain features may not work properly. If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact us by clicking here.

[MBTI General] INTx Relationship Problems

Engineer

Dependable Skeleton
Joined
Feb 1, 2011
Messages
625
MBTI Type
INTJ
Enneagram
6w5
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
To sum up: in my experience, relationships can't be forced, and should not be pursued just for the sake of it. There is too much else to do in life. Don't waste your energy on the obviously incompatible. Do be yourself, live your life, and be open to opportunities that arise. Quality over quantity.

You've basically said exactly what I've been trying to make myself believe for the past couple years, but somehow it's a whole lot more convincing to me when it's coming from another person. Also thank you very much for being willing to share your experiences... maybe I'll be on the lookout for an xNTP myself in the future, provided they don't get in the way of my life's goals.
 

ScorpioINTP

New member
Joined
Jan 19, 2011
Messages
346
MBTI Type
INTP
Enneagram
6-5
I can never tell if I'm paying enough attention, and I'm usually worried about coming off as too interested in the person I'm after...

I hear ya. I am a pretty honest/straightforward person and if I really like someone, I am the guy that calls the day after a first meet/date. When I finally find someone I feel a connection with, It is like a drug and I want to see the person frequently in the beginning (too frequent?) and that sometimes pushes people away or comes off too strong if I let them know what I am thinking. I abhor playing games and social conventions in general.

I just got out of a relationship of 5.5 yrs (ISFJ?). Previous longest was 3 yrs in college. I would like to just stumble into a relationship like someone said, but because of how I live and what I do, its very unlikely to find a relationship that way (although it has happened) for me in particular. It is good advice, I just don't generally meet women through my hobbies. Work occasionally in the past (but then I wonder is it just because we work together or are we really right for each other?).

I've had a good # of relationships that ended for very different reasons. Often due to geography in my earlier years. Its pretty common for one or the other (or both) to take each other for granted.
 

ExAstrisSpes

New member
Joined
Aug 11, 2010
Messages
337
MBTI Type
ENFJ
I hear ya. I am a pretty honest/straightforward person and if I really like someone, I am the guy that calls the day after a first meet/date. When I finally find someone I feel a connection with, It is like a drug and I want to see the person frequently in the beginning (too frequent?) and that sometimes pushes people away or comes off too strong if I let them know what I am thinking. I abhor playing games and social conventions in general.

This, in spades. I don't like playing games, and I know someone is serious when they don't drag their feet on contacting me. I also tend to have that "drug addicted" infatuation phase, but I've learned in recent years to curb that a bit and maintain my own "stuff" that I have going on in my life. That way I don't let the relationship consume me and I can approach the "mate evaluation" with a little more rationality.

The more significant common factor in all my relationships is that I did not go looking for any of them. I just went about my business, pursuing my goals and enjoying my interests, and every so often ran across a person I found myself spending time with.

...........

To sum up: in my experience, relationships can't be forced, and should not be pursued just for the sake of it. There is too much else to do in life. Don't waste your energy on the obviously incompatible. Do be yourself, live your life, and be open to opportunities that arise. Quality over quantity.

Also, Spamtar's advice about self-absorption is worthwhile, even for those of us in long term relationships.

The best relationships I've had were when I was doing my own thing, taking care of me and being happy with who I am and where I am in life. I wasn't necessarily looking to get involved with anyone. Granted, if your hobbies do not facilitate you meeting new people, this could be a bit of a challenge. But I've literally met people at the grocery store, the post office, and the movie theater. It's OK to approach a girl you think is cute and who might like you. Chances are she'll be flattered.
 

ScorpioINTP

New member
Joined
Jan 19, 2011
Messages
346
MBTI Type
INTP
Enneagram
6-5
This, in spades. I don't like playing games, and I know someone is serious when they don't drag their feet on contacting me. I also tend to have that "drug addicted" infatuation phase, but I've learned in recent years to curb that a bit and maintain my own "stuff" that I have going on in my life. That way I don't let the relationship consume me and I can approach the "mate evaluation" with a little more rationality.

Easier said than done, but smart if you can pull it off. Unfortunately, many women (and men too I assume) get turned off if you show too much interest too soon.



The best relationships I've had were when I was doing my own thing, taking care of me and being happy with who I am and where I am in life. I wasn't necessarily looking to get involved with anyone. Granted, if your hobbies do not facilitate you meeting new people, this could be a bit of a challenge. But I've literally met people at the grocery store, the post office, and the movie theater. It's OK to approach a girl you think is cute and who might like you. Chances are she'll be flattered.

I've always been so afraid to approach women like this. I have on rare occasions, but I am a terrible ice breaker in general. They almost always turn out to be attached too. It should be flattering, but then you hear a smattering of women who just can't be bothered and makes you feel worse about even trying. Unfortunately, I never see attractive women at the grocery store or post office etc. I think that has to do with the locations I have chosen to live in partially. I see the occasional MILF though.

One thing I have found, is women seem more attracted to me when I am in a relationship. I'm sure that can be a variety of reasons, from the vibe I give off, being more relaxed or to the challenge factor.
 

Engineer

Dependable Skeleton
Joined
Feb 1, 2011
Messages
625
MBTI Type
INTJ
Enneagram
6w5
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
I've always been so afraid to approach women like this. I have on rare occasions, but I am a terrible ice breaker in general. They almost always turn out to be attached too. It should be flattering, but then you hear a smattering of women who just can't be bothered and makes you feel worse about even trying.

Yes, this is definitely an issue for me as well. The best I can do to express interest is sort of linger around for a brief period of time in between other activities or make a deliberate effort to stand next to or near them during those events. Aside from that, I don't usually do much else, I just work and carry on my usual routine and expect them to engage first. Kind of a backwards strategy, but I haven't been able to change it as of yet.
 

Coriolis

Si vis pacem, para bellum
Staff member
Joined
Apr 18, 2010
Messages
27,230
MBTI Type
INTJ
Enneagram
5w6
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
We finally have an answer to the 'male or female' question.
I was curious as to who would be interested enough to take note. Yes, gay marriage opportunities were even rarer 10 years ago than they are today.
 

Coriolis

Si vis pacem, para bellum
Staff member
Joined
Apr 18, 2010
Messages
27,230
MBTI Type
INTJ
Enneagram
5w6
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
You've basically said exactly what I've been trying to make myself believe for the past couple years, but somehow it's a whole lot more convincing to me when it's coming from another person. Also thank you very much for being willing to share your experiences... maybe I'll be on the lookout for an xNTP myself in the future, provided they don't get in the way of my life's goals.
The key is to find someone with their own life goals and interests. Then, each of you stands on your own two feet, just together instead of alone. No resentment, no jealousy, no clinginess. Everything in balance.
 

JoSunshine

That's my name biotch!
Joined
Dec 17, 2009
Messages
659
MBTI Type
eNfj
Enneagram
2
I was in a 9 year relationship with an INTJ, prior to me his longest relationship was 9 months, but not really since he told me the only reason he dated this girl was because he had no friends and he liked her group of friends, but not so much her (that should have been a sign for me to run, but I was only 20 so cut me some slack ;) ) We got along really well and accomplished a lot - we were an unstoppable team, but there was a lot to be desired in the romance department.

The relationship right after that was with an INTP (1.5 years). He was a big ol' teddy bear, but ultimately no dice. We are still friends...going out for drink on monday as a matter-of-fact :)

I would say they were both near misses.
 

Owlesque

New member
Joined
Dec 17, 2010
Messages
416
MBTI Type
INTJ
Enneagram
1w9
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
I've only been in two relationships, and neither of them lasted for more than a couple of months. In retrospect, the first guy was probably an ESTP, and the second an ENFP. Neither were particularly experienced in dating, so a lot of it was worked around them talking to my friends about my interest or lack thereof because they were too shy or scared to approach me themselves. That probably doomed the first one, and for the second, it became a matter of practicality because our relationship was literally based on the only one or two shared interests we could talk about at length, and we wanted very different things out of life.

I was interested in someone recently, but I've since moved on. We'd been bantering and bouncing sarcasm off one another for some time, and there was definitely interest expressed both ways, to the point of it being fairly blatant on his part. I came to realise that he had some serious self-esteem issues (I literally can't type him because of the inconsistencies), but I did get him to be less guarded once he realised that he honestly couldn't offend me regardless of what his opinions were as long as he defended them rationally. In turn I've probably acted the most like my true self around him than anyone else I know. When I finally made a move that could have been taken entirely platonically if he wished it to (an offer to go on a local hike/outing with me, because he wanted to learn more about certain wildlife that I'm familiar with), he never followed through despite initially expressing enthusiasm at the idea. It's rare for me to be even remotely proactive or assertive in these kinds of situations because I'm so hesitant and obsessed with working out all the possible outcomes, so when I do act and it doesn't work in my favour or seems to drag on forever, I drop it and move on. We're still friends and there is still banter, but I keep it at the platonic line.
 

PsychedelicPlatypus

New member
Joined
Aug 21, 2010
Messages
17
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
6w5
I've been with an INTP for a little over two years. I think they may be my favorite type :wubbie:
 

sciguy90

New member
Joined
Dec 9, 2010
Messages
57
Yes, this is definitely an issue for me as well. The best I can do to express interest is sort of linger around for a brief period of time in between other activities or make a deliberate effort to stand next to or near them during those events. Aside from that, I don't usually do much else, I just work and carry on my usual routine and expect them to engage first. Kind of a backwards strategy, but I haven't been able to change it as of yet.

Same here. It takes a lot effort to go up to someone I don't know. Usually I'll meet a girl through a mutual friend and try to figure out if she likes me before I ask them out to lunch/coffee. If it's someone I don't know I have to be very sure before I approach.
 

Engineer

Dependable Skeleton
Joined
Feb 1, 2011
Messages
625
MBTI Type
INTJ
Enneagram
6w5
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
The key is to find someone with their own life goals and interests. Then, each of you stands on your own two feet, just together instead of alone. No resentment, no jealousy, no clinginess. Everything in balance.

This is what I've been striving for. It'd be my dream, honestly. Neither of us getting in each other's way, but being there to help and build. But... I keep looking in all the wrong places and to the wrong people. I have a tendency to rush into things, probably because I'm a Type 6 and feel the need for that security.

It's rare for me to be even remotely proactive or assertive in these kinds of situations because I'm so hesitant and obsessed with working out all the possible outcomes, so when I do act and it doesn't work in my favour or seems to drag on forever, I drop it and move on. We're still friends and there is still banter, but I keep it at the platonic line.

See, I do this as well, but then I get stuck on the relationship because I feel like I could possibly "repair" or "fix" it so that they won't move on. When they make clear they're done, I'm usually faster on the turnaround time then them, however. Anyone else do that here? It takes me only a couple days to bounce back from a relationship, no matter how long it was... I wish I had your ability to just drop it, Owlesque. It'd probably do me good.

I've been with an INTP for a little over two years. I think they may be my favorite type :wubbie:

That does it, I'm on the lookout for an xNTP for sure now, haha!

Same here. It takes a lot effort to go up to someone I don't know. Usually I'll meet a girl through a mutual friend and try to figure out if she likes me before I ask them out to lunch/coffee. If it's someone I don't know I have to be very sure before I approach.

I usually am the one who does the meeting... I tend to actually draw in female attention, which sort of annoys me, because I'd rather have them not be interested in me than be interested in me and then find out I am totally not compatible with their personality or agenda. But definitely what you said... It takes me forever to get around to actually making a move if there's mutual interest.
 

cascadeco

New member
Joined
Oct 7, 2007
Messages
9,083
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
9w1
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
My intj (who is 28, going on 29) hadn't really been in a relationship until he was 26 or 27, and that first one he doesn't even consider a relationship per se, as it was only a few months long and was long-distance so they rarely saw each other anyway. I am basically his first girlfriend, and we've known each other for 8 months, been dating for 7.

I will say given some of his trust issues and in his words very early on when he panicked about a month into it: 'However, what I lack is any sort of vision of a relationship where I am involved. This makes it very difficult >(closer to impossible) to know what I could want. I'm currently revisiting my original decision to start meeting people with more than "just >friends" intentions, and may abandon that completely. We'll see, that takes some time to think about.'....

.....that those first 2-3 months I didn't feel solid at all in the relationship and how he felt and if he'd even be able to get to a place where he could accept the impossibility of being able to predict things of this nature, accept his lack of control, and most importantly, get to a place where even if he couldn't conceptualize of his role in a relationship or what exactly he envisioned himself wanting (because he'd never been in one before), that he could realize that some of those things can be discovered and learned while going in - that his black-and-white distinctions/categories between various types of relationships could be expanded into a thousand other possibilities or categories.

Anyway. I think with INT's it takes a pretty significant degree of security and patience from the other, at least initially - and being ok with some of the lack of visible cues/signals that they're into you. I would imagine that's a big role in why many might end up ending things with INT's pretty early on, after a month or so - because you guys don't give very clear signals into where you stand on the relationship. And, you know, that's fine... I mean I could see other elements that gave me enough security and reasonable belief that he was into me (Primarily: He was incorporating me into his life by giving me his Time - which I know he doesn't do for many).... but again, I'm pretty sure that years ago I would have needed more signals and very well may have ended it pretty early.

But anyway. After those first few months, and after I think he cleared up things in his head, things have been awesome and I feel really solid in the relationship and feel solid in him being solid in it. :)
 

raminda

New member
Joined
Sep 5, 2010
Messages
55
MBTI Type
xNTP
Enneagram
3w4
So, I am nineteen, so I don't exactly have loads of experience, but I have a little. I've had three "real" relationship, with guys, and then one with a girl that I'm not sure how to categorize but I don't know her type anyways so let's just ignore her.

The first guy I was like fourteen and it was the most stupid thing I've ever done. I think he's an ESFP and every time a chance to spite me has presented it to him the years since he has taken it. He ended it after three months. Idiot.

The next one was either ISTP or ISTJ, and it was nice and all but it got boring and my Fe started manifesting itself in making me a manipulative bitch, and we mboth noticed and then I fell in love with someone else and ended it.

The guy I fell in love with is the one I am with now. We've been together for two and a half year, and it's a long distance relationship. He's INTJ. It works really well. We text each other and talk on msn a lot, and then we see each others during summer and school breaks. His "no bullshit" attitude is really good for me - I'm prone to sulking and he tells me to stop, and when I'm actually sad he helps me come up with a constructive solution instead of clichés. I am all for advocating INTJ/INTP relationships.
 

NotOfTwo

small potatoes
Joined
Jan 30, 2010
Messages
509
MBTI Type
INTP
6 yrs w ESFJ, 4 yrs w ISTJ, 2 yrs hot and cold w INTP. Still in recovery from that last one. The line was cut but I still have the hook in me.
 

Randomnity

insert random title here
Joined
May 8, 2007
Messages
9,485
MBTI Type
ISTP
Enneagram
6w5
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
(not an INTx, feel free to ignore)

Did any of them say why they broke up with you? 5 non-serious relationships is quite a lot to jump through in 2 years (well, to me it is). I'm wondering how selective you are in picking potential relationship partners if it's not even lasting 2 months (is that 2 months from the first date or from deciding to be in an exclusive relationship? do you even have the relationship talk?) I mean, whatever makes you happy, but if you don't like going through breakups every few months, maybe you could try aiming for more compatible people?

INTx's are perfectly capable of serious relationships, although like any other type, some people just aren't mature enough for serious relationships until their 20s or even later. Not to say this is the case for you, it's just that it's not all that bizarre in general. (but I had a relationship for 2 years with an INTJ at the start of university, so I know first-hand that the type is capable of serious relationships, if I were to doubt that in the first place).
 

Engineer

Dependable Skeleton
Joined
Feb 1, 2011
Messages
625
MBTI Type
INTJ
Enneagram
6w5
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
Did any of them say why they broke up with you? 5 non-serious relationships is quite a lot to jump through in 2 years (well, to me it is). I'm wondering how selective you are in picking potential relationship partners if it's not even lasting 2 months (is that 2 months from the first date or from deciding to be in an exclusive relationship? do you even have the relationship talk?) I mean, whatever makes you happy, but if you don't like going through breakups every few months, maybe you could try aiming for more compatible people?

INTx's are perfectly capable of serious relationships, although like any other type, some people just aren't mature enough for serious relationships until their 20s or even later. Not to say this is the case for you, it's just that it's not all that bizarre in general. (but I had a relationship for 2 years with an INTJ at the start of university, so I know first-hand that the type is capable of serious relationships, if I were to doubt that in the first place).

This is actually a really good question. The strange thing about the two of these relationships that were the most serious is that neither female gave me a decent reason as to why they wanted to discontinue it. The first girl was very nice about it, but came up with several very vague reasons that didn't quite explain why, and the second girl left me for some fellow that she had known for three days for reasons of "things just work with him." (She's a highly-damaged INTP, though, so that may explain something)
As to compatibility, I think you're definitely correct-- I need to find someone who's compatible with me. But at the beginning of all of these relationships, the females involved all seem remarkably interested in drawing similarities between us and at least making it seem like we're super-compatible... Trust me, I hate, hate, hate going through breakups on a regular basis, especially when the majority of my peers are currently engaged in relatively-stable long-term relationships. It doesn't make me happy whatsoever.
I am aware that I am capable of serious relationships-- I fully commit to my romantic partner once I feel like I can trust them-- but oftentimes it eventually seems like I'm either more serious about the situation than they are. I honestly feel like (and this may sound egoistic, but it's the truth) I'm generally more emotionally and mentally mature than most people I've taken an interest in and that I foolishly assume that they are just as mature when I go for it.
 

Nicodemus

New member
Joined
Aug 2, 2010
Messages
9,756
I was curious as to who would be interested enough to take note. Yes, gay marriage opportunities were even rarer 10 years ago than they are today.
If that is supposed to fool me, it is not working.
 

xisnotx

Permabanned
Joined
Sep 24, 2010
Messages
2,144
ahh..relationships. The bane of my existence.

When it comes to relationships I never know what the hell I'm doing. I have no idea how I make friends, they just sort of happen. And don't even get me started on girls. In my experience there are two types of girls..the ones who show interest and the ones who I'm interested in. Of the ones who show interest I find myself quickly withdrawing. Even if I like them on some level I manage to withdraw enough to make it never go anywhere. It's like I'm holding out for "the one".

And for those girls who I have interest in (potential 'ones'), I don't even know how to approach the situation. My current romantic interest probably doesn't even know my name. I've had less than 3 legit conversations with her and all have been characterized by me being awkward (at least that what I think, I have no idea what she's thinking). So why do I like her? Well.. she exudes niceness. I have had a decent number of "small talk sessions" with her and she has always been extremely nice. Too nice imo. I find I want to get to the bottom of why she is so nice. Eventually she'll become unavailable and I'll miss out on yet another opportunity. This cycle has been going on for at least 3-4 years now. The girl before that was because she was too confident. The one before that too fun loving..

So I either withdraw from the girls that show interest or I like a girl and have no idea what to do. I've concluded I'm just not yet ready for a relationship. I have a lot of maturing to do imo. (im 20, so no real rush imo..but it still causes me anguish.)

If I didn't like girls so much, I'd hate them.
 
Top