[MBTI General] INTx Relationship Problems

[Engineer]

Is it just me, or do my fellow INTx's also have problems sustaining a serious romantic relationship? In the past two years at college, I have been through five different relationships (that might not sound like much to some of you out there, but to me, it's ridiculously a lot) with varying degrees of seriousness, the longest of which lasted for a month and a half. It's almost always the partner, not me, who does the breaking, which if you analyze my personality makes sense. Sometimes I can see the benefit of breaking up, as I did in two of those relationships, but most often I end up hurt and confused for about a week afterwards. (That's all it takes for me to recover emotionally-- less than a week. It's handy, actually.) The most recent one was especially troubling to me, as the girl (INFP) had said quite a bit of serious stuff in time leading up to up to our relationship, and then proceeded to dart out on me and completely close the door. This might be something that happens a lot, but being the 6w5 that I am, that false promise of loyalty made me quite angry. Apologies for the "this-is-my-life-story" post, I felt it gave context for my reasons for asking my next question...

So, all of you INTx's out there... tell me your experiences with these sort of things. Do you have/have you had a long-term romance? If so, what was it like, and whom was it with type-wise? I'm interested in learning anything I can.

 

[figsfiggyfigs]

you'll notice the pattern from some peoples stories on here.

It does seem like the INTPs beat the INTJs in this field, but you guys are pretty up there...

 

[sciguy90]

Second year of college as well. Been in about 4 relationships in my life. Longest one was about 2 months.

 

[Engineer]

Second year of college as well. Been in about 4 relationships in my life. Longest one was about 2 months.

Sounds very similar to me. You have any idea on what types they were/might have been?

 

[sciguy90]

Sounds very similar to me. You have any idea on what types they were/might have been?

Not sure. Mostly extroverts I assume. Though one was an INFJ and that worked out for a short while. It would have been great, but she already had a boy friend =/

 

[InvisibleJim]

I must be an exception with a 5 year relationship under my belt.

 

[figsfiggyfigs]

I must be an exception with a 5 year relationship under my belt.

that ended. It's maintaining it thats the issue. :/

 

[sciguy90]

I must be an exception with a 5 year relationship under my belt.

What was her type?

 

[Oeufa]

A man I was head over heels in love with broke up with me because "I clearly had no interest in [him] anymore". So yeah, perhaps I should work on being more demonstrative

EDIT: Just for the record we'd been together almost a year at that stage. Does that make it better or worse?

 

[ExAstrisSpes]

I really, *really* like it when my INTP calls me to say hello. But it happens so infrequently that it really surprises me when he does. I am completely capable of giving him all the space he wants/needs, but the sort of "hot/cold" cycle we have in our relationship is a bit stressful. That sort of basic relationship maintenance would go a long way, I think.

 

[Engineer]

I can never tell if I'm paying enough attention, and I'm usually worried about coming off as too interested in the person I'm after... Maybe that results in a similar situation to the one ExAstrisSpes describes, but I can never be sure. I need a lot of feedback, and automatically assume they'll pick up on that. I don't want to end up smothering someone with loyalty, either, so if your INTP is anything like me that'd explain the hot'n'cold situation. We get too close (in our minds) and then back off again until we get feedback or just really miss the person.

 

[Spamtar]

Story of my life. In fact I was pretty happy not being in relationships most of the time. It was missing out on the steady sex that got to me.

Don't expect the person to be on the same level/wavelength with you (if it helps draw an analogy between yourself and a puppy dog. You wouldn't expect the puppy to think like you and not need much reassurance)

Look for someone with who you two mutually complement each other at least on some level.

Not all dating/hooking up need to lead up to a relationship to be deemed "successful". Enjoy the process and appear to be enjoying the process...its seductive and it allows the other to mirror you and enjoy the process too.

Avoid the pitfall of self absorption (in yourself) as much as you can. Learn to seduce and the power to elicit powerful emotions which lead to positive results for an overall long term seduction strategy (don't just make it up as you go along or otherwise simply react from situation to situation)

Don't compromise for less than you can deal with.

Aim High: Might as well shoot for true love.

 

[Stanton Moore]

Having strong ideals is a bitch.

 

[Totenkindly]

Second year of college as well. Been in about 4 relationships in my life. Longest one was about 2 months.

I was in four. The longest (the marriage) has lasted close to twenty years. But I had to change a LOT to make that work, and look at relationships in a much different way.

 

[ReflecTcelfeR]

One thus far. It lasted 6 months or so. She was an Ixfj (Though I used to think P, this seems much more fitting).

 

[Greta]

Other people have always seemed keener on getting into and being in relationships. At some level, I still don't understand this need. But, of those few I've been in, the longest have been with other NTs. (one 3+ and another almost a year). I think the vaunted NF-NT pairing can leave a lot to be desired on both ends.

 

[Engineer]

Don't expect the person to be on the same level/wavelength with you (if it helps draw an analogy between yourself and a puppy dog. You wouldn't expect the puppy to think like you and not need much reassurance)

Look for someone with who you two mutually complement each other at least on some level.

This is actually something I hadn't thought of before... and it's an interesting idea that I think really applies to most of my relationships. I can't just assume they understand me or where I'm coming from merely because they are attracted to me.

Avoid the pitfall of self absorption (in yourself) as much as you can. Learn to seduce and the power to elicit powerful emotions which lead to positive results for an overall long term seduction strategy (don't just make it up as you go along or otherwise simply react from situation to situation)

Don't compromise for less than you can deal with.

Aim High: Might as well shoot for true love.

This is some damn good advice, if I do say.

Of those few I've been in, the longest have been with other NTs. (one 3+ and another almost a year). I think the vaunted NF-NT pairing can leave a lot to be desired on both ends.

This is also interesting to me... perhaps it's that difference between thinking and feeling that drives the two apart. I know I couldn't stand it when my most recent ex insisted on making decisions based only on feelings and hunches... mainly because they usually got her hurt a lot, and I hate it when people under my "protection" (for lack of a better term) get hurt. I feel responsible for it, as I imagine most types like me do.

 

[Pand0ra]

I can relate, previous to my current relationship (5 months) I rarely had a relationship that lasted longer than 2 months (with the exception of on 6 year relationship with an ESTP that was loveless and dragged out because we both feared change). At the 2 month mark of relationships I would have no idea how to maintain the whole 'dating' thing and would somehow manage to upset people. Though when I dated a fellow INTP, HE managed to confuse ME utterly by never seeming interested, needless to say we never seemed interested in each other and both became very avoidant. I guess that made me realise there's something called 'reciprocation', which is vital to maintaining a relationship. I'm still learning this but so far the effort is paying off and makes one hell of a difference.

By the way I am not assuming this applies to you, just giving my experience.

 

[Coriolis]

To give you a few more data, I have been in 5 relationships of any significance (defined as > 1 date):

1. during high school, possible ISFP, lasted most of a school year; really just another loner I hung out with sometimes
2. during college, likely INTP, lasted ~3 mos; just for fun and shared interests (movies, SF/fantasy, etc)
3. after college, likely ISTP, lasted ~6 mos; we realized we had come to take each other for granted and just broke it off by mutual consent
4. some years after (3), likely ISTJ, lasted almost a year and a half; we were actually engaged to be married and he broke it off for no specific reason. Seems he just got cold feet. He wanted to get back together a few months later, but I had moved on and declined.
5. not long after (4), definite INTP; has lasted over 10 years now -- yes, we are still together.

Yes, I see a trend here: all I's and mostly T's (type of (1) is a real guess). The more significant common factor in all my relationships is that I did not go looking for any of them. I just went about my business, pursuing my goals and enjoying my interests, and every so often ran across a person I found myself spending time with. We always started out as friends first. I usually considered myself too busy to sustain a dating relationship, so the people I did date really went out of their way to get my attention.

As for my current and longest relationship, we are a bit like that joke type profile that says INTJ and INTP make natural partners since neither realizes they are in a relationship! No, we don't take each other for granted as happened in (3) above, but we each do our own thing much more than most couples we know, and there is never a sense of clinginess or dependence on either side. We continue to want each other rather than need each other, though the shared logistics is certainly a boon. The longer we are together, the more secure we are in our mutual caring, and the less conventional our expressions of it become as we learn more about each other.

To sum up: in my experience, relationships can't be forced, and should not be pursued just for the sake of it. There is too much else to do in life. Don't waste your energy on the obviously incompatible. Do be yourself, live your life, and be open to opportunities that arise. Quality over quantity.

Also, Spamtar's advice about self-absorption is worthwhile, even for those of us in long term relationships.

 

[Nicodemus]

4. some years after (3), likely ISTJ, lasted almost a year and a half; we were actually engaged to be married and he broke it off for no specific reason. Seems he just got cold feet. He wanted to get back together a few months later, but I had moved on and declined.

We finally have an answer to the 'male or female' question.