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[MBTI General] Help for an INTJ:ISTJ couple with problems

Thalassa

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I disagree about him not having mental health issues. While I understand he might be gun-shy since his ex-wife was institutionalized at eight months and refused to make changes, it also sounds like he is terrified of emotion, emotionally abusive himself, and possibly even exaggerated about his ex-wife if he's treating his pregnant ISTJ this way.

That's my take on it.
 

Thalassa

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I mean seriously, did he *have* his wife institutionalized? Because he sounds kind of unstable himself and his accusations seem pretty bizarre. Maybe he drove his ex-wife crazy.
 

Synarch

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Sounds like he likes her shadow, which would be ENFP, right? So, under stress she becomes his dual?
 

Thalassa

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:huh: To me it sounds like her ENFP shadow is what is terrifying to him...
 

IZthe411

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Sounds like both of these are having Fi attacks. At least hers is due to pregnancy.
Maybe he has never been into a girl like he has been into her, so her inconsistent actions probably threw him into some NiFi loop.

Stay together, for the baby, unless this turns out to be more than an temporary emotional turmoil. I think she needs to have him involved with the baby. It's his child. I mean the lengths he went to show her that he cared- I think he still wants her in his life.
 

Synarch

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This might be one of those situations where it becomes a family concern, ie. get the two families involved or get some impartial third parties involved who can help sort this mess.
 

Thalassa

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Sounds like both of these are having Fi attacks. At least hers is due to pregnancy.
Maybe he has never been into a girl like he has been into her, so her inconsistent actions probably threw him into some NiFi loop.

Stay together, for the baby, unless this turns out to be more than an temporary emotional turmoil. I think she needs to have him involved with the baby. It's his child. I mean the lengths he went to show her that he cared- I think he still wants her in his life.

It does sound like an NiFi loop. And the scary thing about an INTJ in an NiFi loop is that they can imagine that they're still being "logical."

He's emotionally abusing her, but it sounds like it comes from a place of fear. :(

I think Synarch's "third party" suggestion is wise.
 

rav3n

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Orobas, did this version of the story come from your ISTJ friend? If so, not that I'm accusing her of lying but pregnant women don't really see their hormonal reactions clearly. From the outside, her hormonal reactions might remind him of his ex-wife, triggering old fears that your ISTJ friend might also be going nuts. Who knows what he suffered from being with someone who had to be institutionalised since people don't get institutionalised much anymore. Perhaps a form of PTSD?
 

Thalassa

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A person can get institutionalized for threatening to kill themselves. It's not that hard. They just don't institutionalize people long-term anymore unless they are really, really disturbed.

I find it suspicious just because he sees crazy ladies everywhere. I would try to look into why his ex-wife was institutionalized.
 

rav3n

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Coincidental that both incidents surrounded reproduction? I'd say not. Triggers.
 

Thalassa

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He dumped his pregnant girlfriend for calling him too much?

INTJs can be so emotionally retarded. He might not even be abusive or paranoid - just emotionally retarded.
 

Thalassa

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Coincidental that both incidents surrounded reproduction? I'd say not. Triggers.

How are you so sure something is wrong with the ISTJ? Maybe she's just hormonal and emotional.

If he's that easily freaked out by hormonal women maybe he should start dating men.
 

Synarch

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I find it suspicious just because he sees crazy ladies everywhere. I would try to look into why his ex-wife was institutionalized.

So a little more perspective on the ex wife-from my friend:

"She had a breakdown after they tried fertility treatments or something like that – he said that she was taking antidepressants or something for a psychological problem and he never knew, then when she started trying to have babies she stopped them cold turkey and he had no idea. She just started being paranoid accusing him of trying to kill her or have her killed, scared to be alone in the house with him, strange kind of stuff. She left and returned with the cops one night and they determined it was her not him after evaluating the situation. Then he told her parents she needed to be checked in somewhere and that’s when she went to "nice friendly mental institution". Strange that during her stay and after she completely cut him off though...she even removed him from the visitors list and changed her “code” that is required when you call to speak with someone there...

He has never been physically violent."

After being released his wife met him once, then totally cut him off.

I am in agreement with Marmalade. Sounds like there's more to it. Takes two to tango, you know.
 

rav3n

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How are you so sure something is wrong with the ISTJ? Maybe she's just hormonal and emotional.

If he's that easily freaked out by hormonal women maybe he should start dating men.
Where did I say there was something wrong with the ISTJ beyond pregnancy hormonal issues? How about nowhere?

The triggers are on his side. First wife goes nuts trying to get pregnant. She turns on him harshly, whereby he suffered serious emotional abuse. Girlfriend in his eyes goes nut while being pregnant. Flashback.

He should get some therapy to try to work through his issues from his marriage but she will also have to tone down her hormonal reactions if at all possible. NTJs don't react well to emotional barrages of the irrational kind and INTJs are worse at it than ENTJs since they're so inside of themselves. An INTJ under stress reacts like an unhealthy ENTP (shadow).
 

Thalassa

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Where did I say there was something wrong with the ISTJ beyond pregnancy hormonal issues? How about nowhere?

The triggers are on his side. First wife goes nuts trying to get pregnant. She turns on him harshly, whereby he suffered serious emotional abuse. Girlfriend in his eyes goes nut while being pregnant. Flashback.

He should get some therapy to try to work through his issues from his marriage but she will also have to tone down her hormonal reactions if at all possible. NTJs don't react well to emotional barrages of the irrational kind and INTJs are worse at it than ENTJs since they're so inside of themselves. An INTJ under stress reacts like an unhealthy ENTP (shadow).

Oh I apologize for the misunderstanding. I thought you meant both women had severe mental illness triggered by pregnancy. I started thinking...what is this, 1864? The myth of the hysterical women? All those men used to lock their wives away for nothing more than being hormonal and emotional. In essence, they were institutionalized for being...women.

But I agree, the case with the ex-wife probably spooked him. He needs to take responsibility though and get therapy then, and also try to be a bit more understanding that his partner is pregnant. I have found out recently that INTJs don't do well with being bombarded with emotional conversations, and when they're met with more emotional clinginess after pulling away, they pull away harder. Makes so much sense, IME with male INTJs.

Maybe someone should show this lady MBTI. Orobas? Haha do you think that would help?

But there's also responsibility on his end, like I said, to get therapy and to try to understand that ISTJ is pregnant and hormonal. I mean he's a 40 year old INTJ, not a 25 year old INTJ. They have to grow up eventually, and developing emotional intelligence is just as important for an INTJ as developing rational thinking is for, say, an ENFP or ISFJ.
 

Synarch

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But I agree, the case with the ex-wife probably spooked him. He needs to take responsibility though and get therapy then, and also try to be a bit more understanding that his partner is pregnant. I have found out recently that INTJs don't do well with being bombarded with emotional conversations, and when they're met with more emotional clinginess after pulling away, they pull away harder. Makes so much sense, IME with male INTJs.

God, yes. Annoying.
 
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