• You are currently viewing our forum as a guest, which gives you limited access to view most discussions and access our other features. By joining our free community, you will have access to additional post topics, communicate privately with other members (PM), view blogs, respond to polls, upload content, and access many other special features. Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free, so please join our community today! Just click here to register. You should turn your Ad Blocker off for this site or certain features may not work properly. If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact us by clicking here.

[NT] ENFP confused by INTx

R

ReflecTcelfeR

Guest
To Lily: I think that's a strong accusation. We don't know enough. I think weighing the decision to be in a relationship should be a somewhat slow process. I have a bias I know, but even still it's not something you just run into especially if you're thinking long term. We just need to wait until she confronts him with her definitive view on this relationship. If he reacts poorly you are correct if not he may have busted needed that extra reassurance to complete his thinking process.
 

Thalassa

Permabanned
Joined
May 3, 2009
Messages
25,183
MBTI Type
ISFP
Enneagram
6w7
Instinctual Variant
sx
if i lived my life based on careful reflection, i would look very much like a deranged bushwoman.

holding an ipad.


:laugh:

I'm not laughing at you. I'm laughing with you. :yes:
 

Rex

New member
Joined
Jul 28, 2010
Messages
600
MBTI Type
INTJ
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
I think this guy has a major commitment problem and he feels guilty because he knows that in the end he is going to bail. I would be really careful with this one.

There might be some thruth in this. But it might be that he also feels that youre the type to leave him first. He might be worried that you get borred after some time.
Tell him to stop planing/think ahead. You can`t really plan this things.
 

AgentF

Unlimited Dancemoves ®
Joined
Dec 22, 2010
Messages
1,543
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
7w6
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
There might be some thruth in this. But it might be that he also feels that youre the type to leave him first. He might be worried that you get borred after some time.
Tell him to stop planing/think ahead. You can`t really plan this things.

i think he's aware of the ENFP tendency to get bored easily. in fact, i think that's the first thing i told him about myself. however, i've *told* him that i'm a devoted and loyal person...but i think he wants proof of that before committing, rather than simply taking my word for it (duh!).

one of the essential differences is that i'm impulsive and go with my feelings. he is circumspect and proceeds cautiously. i can't relate but certainly respect his process.

an important point to make is that i'm dating other people. he knows that, and it seems to take the pressure off. what it doesn't do is make me feel wanted, and he's aware of that, but is unable/unwilling to change that for now. hence the dating of others.

:/
 

AgentF

Unlimited Dancemoves ®
Joined
Dec 22, 2010
Messages
1,543
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
7w6
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
There might be some thruth in this. But it might be that he also feels that youre the type to leave him first. He might be worried that you get borred after some time.
Tell him to stop planing/think ahead. You can`t really plan this things.

i think he's aware of the ENFP tendency to get bored easily. in fact, i think that's the first thing i told him about myself. however, i've *told* him that i'm a devoted and loyal person...but i think he wants proof of that before committing, rather than simply taking my word for it (duh!).

one of the essential differences is that i'm impulsive and go with my feelings. he is circumspect and proceeds cautiously. i can't relate but do my best to respect his process. the missing piece is sitting him down and explaining to him what my needs are. in fact, i think i'll start a thread on that topic as i'd like to hear how others approach that.

an important point to make is that i'm dating other people. he knows that, and it seems to take the pressure off. what it doesn't do is make me feel wanted, and he's aware of that, but is unable/unwilling to change that for now. hence the dating of others.

:/
 

rav3n

.
Joined
Aug 6, 2010
Messages
11,655
i think he's aware of the ENFP tendency to get bored easily. in fact, i think that's the first thing i told him about myself. however, i've *told* him that i'm a devoted and loyal person...but i think he wants proof of that before committing, rather than simply taking my word for it (duh!).

one of the essential differences is that i'm impulsive and go with my feelings. he is circumspect and proceeds cautiously. i can't relate but certainly respect his process.

an important point to make is that i'm dating other people. he knows that, and it seems to take the pressure off. what it doesn't do is make me feel wanted, and he's aware of that, but is unable/unwilling to change that for now. hence the dating of others.

:/
You two are playing games with each other and it won't stop until the two of you start communicating as adults. And even then, I'd steer clear of the proof thing. No one can prove anything to someone who isn't willing to believe.
 

AgentF

Unlimited Dancemoves ®
Joined
Dec 22, 2010
Messages
1,543
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
7w6
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
You two are playing games with each other and it won't stop until the two of you start communicating as adults. And even then, I'd steer clear of the proof thing. No one can prove anything to someone who isn't willing to believe.

yes, to the extent that i've been tip-toeing and he's been unwilling to take action. it seems like a few things needs to happen next: 1) i need to tell him i'm ready for a committed relationship (knowing he's not); 2) seeing how he reacts.

oh and: 3) preparing myself for solitude. an ENFP's Achilles tendon but nevertheless probably the big lesson i need to learn here.
 

JocktheMotie

Habitual Fi LineStepper
Joined
Nov 20, 2008
Messages
8,491
Well if you're dating other people simultaneously I don't see why you'd be alone for too long. Just point the rainbow vomit to another hapless victim and you're good to go :cheese:
 

rav3n

.
Joined
Aug 6, 2010
Messages
11,655
yes, to the extent that i've been tip-toeing and he's been unwilling to take action. it seems like a few things needs to happen next: 1) i need to tell him i'm ready for a committed relationship (knowing he's not); 2) seeing how he reacts.

oh and: 3) preparing myself for solitude. an ENFP's Achilles tendon but nevertheless probably the big lesson i need to learn here.
You're looking for him to stake his turf and are using dating multiple people as leverage. You'll find that many INTPs will do the opposite and retreat. NTs in general, hate to be controlled or manipulated.

Not sure the two of you are ready for the final sit-down of a relationship due to all the game playing. Why not stop dating others, let him know this is the case and see how he reacts? This way, you don't pressure him for a relationship by taking an action and expecting him to come through with the reaction that you want. If he doesn't take any action in the next few weeks, then directly approach him. This way, you lay the groundwork so it's a bit more of a gradual process and might be viewed as less directive, hence less controlling. (INTPs, if you don't mind, pipe in if I'm completely off-track.)
 

IZthe411

Carerra Lu
Joined
Jul 19, 2009
Messages
2,585
MBTI Type
INTJ
an important point to make is that i'm dating other people. he knows that, and it seems to take the pressure off. what it doesn't do is make me feel wanted, and he's aware of that, but is unable/unwilling to change that for now. hence the dating of others.

:/

Did I miss this before? This isn't type related. I wouldn't want you either.
 

IZthe411

Carerra Lu
Joined
Jul 19, 2009
Messages
2,585
MBTI Type
INTJ
You're looking for him to stake his turf and are using dating multiple people as leverage. You'll find that many INTPs will do the opposite and retreat. NTs in general, hate to be controlled or manipulated.

Not sure the two of you are ready for the final sit-down of a relationship due to all the game playing. Why not stop dating others, let him know this is the case and see how he reacts? This way, you don't pressure him for a relationship by taking an action and expecting him to come through with the reaction that you want. If he doesn't take any action in the next few weeks, then directly approach him. This way, you lay the groundwork so it's a bit more of a gradual process and might be viewed as less directive, hence less controlling. (INTPs, if you don't mind, pipe in if I'm completely off-track.)

Exactly. Face this head on. That 'I'll make him jealous' crap FAILS.
 

Salomé

meh
Joined
Sep 25, 2008
Messages
10,527
MBTI Type
INTP
Enneagram
5w4
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
^Agree with Metaphor. If someone is continuing to date other people, it's a sure sign to me not to take them seriously.
If, at the same time, they expect me to get serious or increase my commitment to the relationship, I get pissed off. I don't even want to think about srs bizness unless the other person is already in the right place, and dating lots of people isn't the right place, IMO. At the same time, it's not an INTP's style to ask you to stop dating other people. We just sort of accommodate our own expectations and level of investment based on the other person. Or we move on.

ETA. I can't even understand this idea of being "in love" with someone and at the same time hedging your bets by dating others. Other than as a ploy to make someone jealous - which is icky. Chances are, he doesn't believe your feelings for him have any depth and so of course, he's going to be reluctant to move the relationship forward at the pace you are looking for. INTPs are capable of incredible loyalty and commitment, but above all we're pragmatists.
 

Red Herring

Superwoman
Joined
Jun 9, 2010
Messages
7,488
MBTI Type
INTP
Enneagram
5w4
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
Playing by the Rules (which is the advice most people give their friends when asked) seems like a sure fire way to scare away an INTP.
 
V

violaine

Guest
I had a similar experience with an INT. It took him about two years to give himself over to the relationship. 2.5 months is not a long enough time for someone like that to develop feelings. There is no way he would have gotten there had I been openly dating other people. People have incompatible relationship patterns. After a point, it's unhealthy to keep pursuing someone who doesn't want what you want. It's more about the pursuer's own issues then. (I did learn detachment in the relationship with the INT. He ended up being a wonderful bf but I wouldn't go through that process again.)
 

AgentF

Unlimited Dancemoves ®
Joined
Dec 22, 2010
Messages
1,543
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
7w6
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
Did I miss this before? This isn't type related. I wouldn't want you either.

I'm rather mechanically dating other people. Physically monogamous to him, but still meeting others. So far, I've had 3 dates. He knows this and actually said it was one reason he didn't feel pressure from me. I died when he said that, when what I wanted to hear was "I want you." I admit it's convoluted. Now I'm starting to see how unfair to me (and others), and ridiculous it is.

Being interested in authenticity (despite how it may seem), when I meet someone new I actually tell that person that I'm also dating him. And then I proceed to tell them that I would be in a committed/entirely monogamous relationship with him if I could be. Which has, coincidentally and understandably, resulted in no second dates. I should have clarified that in my original post.

It looks like I need to stick to the plan to tell him I would like a committed relationship. And (I suppose) add that I plan to not date anyone else, even if he feels pressured as a result. Why have I done this? My friends continually told me that "keeping my options open" was the best way to handle this situation (a non-committal/exploratory stage of indefinite length with a person prone to feel pressured). Or to completely end it with him and tell him to "call me if/when you are ready for a relationship." I don't really know how to do either.

It has been highly uncomfortable caring for one person but remaining open to meeting others, which is why I am compelled to initiate the unattractive first date conversation: "You seem like a nice person. I'm emotionally unavailable." I'm ok with the criticism of the approach I've taken. The approach never felt right, and I think it's time to do the right thing. You have all been helpful in determining what that is.
 

IZthe411

Carerra Lu
Joined
Jul 19, 2009
Messages
2,585
MBTI Type
INTJ
I'm rather mechanically dating other people. Physically monogamous to him, but still meeting others. So far, I've had 3 dates. He knows this and actually said it was one reason he didn't feel pressure from me. I died when he said that, when what I wanted to hear was "I want you." I admit it's convoluted. Now I'm starting to see how unfair to me (and others), and ridiculous it is.

Being interested in authenticity (despite how it may seem), when I meet someone new I actually tell that person that I'm also dating him. And then I proceed to tell them that I would be in a committed/entirely monogamous relationship with him if I could be. Which has, coincidentally and understandably, resulted in no second dates. I should have clarified that in my original post.

It looks like I need to stick to the plan to tell him I would like a committed relationship. And (I suppose) add that I plan to not date anyone else, even if he feels pressured as a result. Why have I done this? My friends continually told me that "keeping my options open" was the best way to handle this situation (a non-committal/exploratory stage of indefinite length with a person prone to feel pressured). Or to completely end it with him and tell him to "call me if/when you are ready for a relationship." I don't really know how to do either.

It has been highly uncomfortable caring for one person but remaining open to meeting others, which is why I am compelled to initiate the unattractive first date conversation: "You seem like a nice person. I'm emotionally unavailable." I'm ok with the criticism of the approach I've taken. The approach never felt right, and I think it's time to do the right thing. You have all been helpful in determining what that is.

Yeah, like others have said, when you're ready for it to be just you and him, then approach him. At least then you won't be left with a bunch of questions in your mind.
 

AgentF

Unlimited Dancemoves ®
Joined
Dec 22, 2010
Messages
1,543
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
7w6
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
Yeah, like others have said, when you're ready for it to be just you and him, then approach him. At least then you won't be left with a bunch of questions in your mind.

Right. I wonder how will he react to tears and the inevitable declaration of love that will spill out. Perhaps I'll ask to see him for half an hour, say what I need to say and then face a tearful, but relieved, trip home.
 

IZthe411

Carerra Lu
Joined
Jul 19, 2009
Messages
2,585
MBTI Type
INTJ
Right. I wonder how will he react to tears and the inevitable declaration of love that will spill out. Perhaps I'll ask to see him for half an hour, say what I need to say and then face a tearful, but relieved, trip home.

Smart! The emotional outpour might freak him out a lil ( I know it would me) so yeah that's a good idea. LOL
 
V

violaine

Guest
Right. I wonder how will he react to tears and the inevitable declaration of love that will spill out. Perhaps I'll ask to see him for half an hour, say what I need to say and then face a tearful, but relieved, trip home.

Eh, I would try not to do that if you can help it. I would just say "I like you" and try to keep calm. (Not that there is a magic formula to unlock someone else anyway.)
 

AgentF

Unlimited Dancemoves ®
Joined
Dec 22, 2010
Messages
1,543
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
7w6
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
I had a similar experience with an INT. It took him about two years to give himself over to the relationship. 2.5 months is not a long enough time for someone like that to develop feelings...(I did learn detachment in the relationship with the INT. He ended up being a wonderful bf but I wouldn't go through that process again.)

2 INT years = 2.5 ENFP months? :) Not to start a holy war but I have noticed that ENFPs seem to move at a different pace when bonding with people. In my case, it was easy to identify his virtues, vulnerabilities, subtle aspects of his character, etc. Almost an instant recognition (which sounds implausible and corny, but true).

w/r/t detachment = I've been learning the same lesson with my INT. Intellectually/philosophically intriguing but emotionally challenging (but perhaps worth it, if you care about the person enough).
 
Top