User Tag List

First 51314151617 Last

Results 141 to 150 of 209

  1. #141
    violaine
    Guest

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by agentfurrina View Post
    ON AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT NOTE: he has repeatedly told me that his ex doesn't get hurt when they have sex after their break-up (which he precipitated citing reasons of incompatibility). i told him that is b.s., that women *always* feel emotionally bonded after sleeping with someone they used to love (and in her case, currently loves). i told him that, every time he sleeps with her, it prolongs the pain of their breakup and makes it impossible for either of them to fully heal. at least, perhaps for her. am i alone in this belief? can some women please comment?
    She doesn't show she's hurt because while ever they are still sleeping together, they are still close. Btw, who knows what he's telling her. I'm sure if he stopped having sex with her that he would see how she really felt (i.e. likely hurt/angry.)

    He is still sleeping with her when they are supposedly over and incompatible? That makes him kind of creepy imo. They are not over.

    Quote Originally Posted by agentfurrina View Post
    * i've been told that i'm awesome. that he's excited about me. that he hopes to have me in his life one way or another for a long time to come. that he has started to love me (most recently). but why the f*ck don't i merit an acknowledgement that he hurt me by sleeping with his ex on my birthday?! or a revision to his position on being exclusive, as a result of seeing that it hurt me and is jeopardizing a relationship with an awesome person? are we so common that he can gamble...is he so broken that he can't be any different.
    Are you saying he is still going to be sleeping with his ex?

    Tbh, the way you've told it, he doesn't sound good for you, you sound as though you are doing all of the accommodating or that you want something very different from what he wants. Have you considered that he may be manipulating you? Imo, there comes a time when motivations don't matter, actions matter.

  2. #142
    Senior Member copperfish17's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    MBTI
    INTP
    Enneagram
    5w4 sp/so
    Socionics
    INTj
    Posts
    712

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Tallulah View Post
    Yeah, the fact that he slept with his ex on your birthday is all I'd need to know. I think I was giving him too much credit before. This guy doesn't have your best interests at heart.
    Seconded.

    Being supportive vs. being a doormat...

    You become a doormat when you stop speaking up for yourself, for whatever reason. Nobody can read your mind, or know there would be something there to read. You may think you are accommodating and generous but unless the other person realizes you have accommodated or given, they have no idea and think you had no preference or needs to begin with. If people aren't asking you what you want it's probably because they expect you to speak up and say when you want something. It works best when people just say what they want, and then you can know what everyone wants and makes sure each has their needs met. A doormat will go along with suggestions and comply with requests while remaining silent about their own wishes, and then because they aren't getting what they want they become unhappy, but still don't say anything. It's a trip.
    Sound familiar?

    When do you say 'enough'?

    When you 'feel' that you are emotionally drained by this person, their situation, your part in supporting them, etc...
    I'm a firm believer of the phrase, "We teach people how to treat us." Frankly, it seems to me that you (unintentionally) taught him to disrespect you by being wayyy too accommodating. You need to make it clear to him that having sex with his ex is not acceptable, and the best way to do this is to leave him (even if you choose not to leave him, you still need to make sure that he knows you won't tolerate any more offences). At this point, it seems to me that choosing to give him YET ANOTHER chance will only encourage him to go even further with his ex.

    Does he even KNOW that his actions hurt your feelings? Does he CARE that your feelings may be hurt? You say you can't leave the relationship because of the (minute) possibility that he may truly love you, but... it seems like he isn't returning the favor. Surely he knows having sex with his ex has the potential to hurt your feelings.
    Enneagram: 5w4 5-9-2 (5w4 9w1 2w1) sp/so

    "Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience." - Greg King
    The worst mistake people make in political arguments is assuming that the other side is not trying to do the right thing. This simple oversight makes productive conversation nearly impossible.

  3. #143
    meh Salomé's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    MBTI
    INTP
    Enneagram
    5w4 sx/sp
    Posts
    10,540

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by agentfurrina
    i just don't believe men and women can be friends after being romantically involved...i even tried convincing him that sleeping with his ex (who still wants to be with him) hurts her, but he said she claims she's ok with it.
    Not without a decent break in between... if at all. Not unless you're a robot.
    having a very hard time not concluding somewhere under the surface, he is a selfish person who is ok hurting others for his own gain. he's admitted he jumped in too soon in the past and doesn't want to repeat that mistake. i hate this nagging feeling that i'm a lamb being led to the slaughter...but he'd have to be a cold-blooded bastard to intentionally hurt me. i've repeatedly asked him to cut me loose if he *knows* that we can't be together, and he says that's not the case...that he isn't sure but is trying to decide. since when is love a decision?
    Don't ignore your intuition. I think you already know the answer in your heart but you're resisting it because you don't want to admit you might be wrong about someone you're invested in.
    what kind of person prioritizes "ending things on a good note" with his ex, as he puts it, over protecting the potential of a new relationship? i will never, never understand the logic behind this. how can someone who puts so much energy into being ethical and protecting those he cares about, be ok with a system where one confirmed woman and possibly a second (who is in denial about the affects of sleeping with her ex) get hurt, in order to satisfy his needs? INTJs *care* about integrity and honesty, or so i thought...i feel like i've bumped into a major blindspot of his. and it isn't attractive.
    You should probably stop analysing this from a perspective of type because you are doing two things: excusing behaviour in him that you wouldn't excuse in non-INTs; attributing qualities to him (like integrity and honesty) that he may well not have. Any type can be an unethical fuck.

    Quote Originally Posted by violaine View Post
    He is still sleeping with her when they are supposedly over and incompatible? That makes him kind of creepy imo. They are not over.
    ...
    Have you considered that he may be manipulating you? Imo, there comes a time when motivations don't matter, actions matter.
    +1
    He asked for some time to get over his previous relationship. The fact that he is continuing to sleep with this woman and play both of you and doesn't even have the sensitivity to understand how he is hurting you both or the decency to express remorse, points to his being an unethical fuck.
    Sorry to say.
    Quote Originally Posted by Ivy View Post
    Gosh, the world looks so small from up here on my high horse of menstruation.

  4. #144
    Senior Member Rex's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    MBTI
    INTJ
    Posts
    609

    Default

    Jupp.. The chance that the Ex got him so badly by the balls is very slim to non existent.

  5. #145
    Unlimited Dancemoves ® AgentF's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    MBTI
    ENFP
    Enneagram
    7w6 sx/so
    Socionics
    IEE
    Posts
    1,570

    Default

    this forum is amazing. thank you all so much for your input and insights.

    some additional data points:
    1. in all fairness, he told me on our 3rd date that he was still sleeping with his ex. he said that it was "tapering off" but still occurred. he said that he would be sad if I walked away from him, but would understand why I might want to. I saw a man who was trying to do the right thing (be honest with me), felt compassion and, foolishly perhaps, hope, and decided to go with my instinct which said "wait and see what happens." unfortunately, i did not say anything like "this is unacceptable to me" or "I am uncomfortable about this, how can we resolve this so I can feel safe getting to know you." he seemed so contrite about the situation, and so sincerely sad at the prospect of my walking away (his hands were trembling when he told me?!) that i felt that we understood each other's perspective. over the next several weeks, i would inquire about her being phased out and he eventually told me she was moving, but i guess i never sat down and told him after that how miserable i was with the situation. i thought it was *obvious* that i wanted an exclusive relationship. so i eventually told him a few week later, when he started bringing up his guilt and initiating conversations about feeling angst about his inability to give me what i deserved. but each time, i thought it was coming from a perspective of wanting to change things. now i just think he was simply stating that he felt badly, but had no plan or intention to change things. maybe bringing it up was his way of asking for my guidance. if so, i never got the hint and just listened and asked again for an exclusive relationship. he would repeat that he still needed to heal and didn't want to rush into a serious relationship yet again. i simply didn't know what to do, by then i had developed serious feelings for him. when he would initiate these relationship talks, i always told him what i wanted but assumed he also realized how badly i was being hurt. my bad for not being the communicator i should be...but i actually believe he was aware, but how could he know the extent if i didn't speak up. and i guess the reason i didn't, is that i perceived that he was unable to offer more, and that my only option was to walk. so i chose to continue to date him and see what transpired as talks of his ex seemed to be diminishing.

    2. About a week ago I couldn't take it anymore. this was several days after my bday and i knew the instant that i saw him that he had slept with her on my bday...and, yes, he had texted me that night to wish me a happy birthday, sent me xoxo's. but i knew something was off when i saw him, so i asked and he confirmed. and i cried. and that is one of the last conversations we've had. he now knows i was devastated about his choice on my bday, that i am miserable with his lack of exclusivity, and that we have reached an impasse. he has asked me to make a choice that i would be happy with as he doesn't want me to be unhappy (in the "if you walk away from me, I will come find you one day and even if you turn me down, i will come back again" talk). i told him i needed time to know what i wanted to do.

    so that's where i've been. detaching from him and deciding to either cut him out of my life, or date him over the next two months, non-exclusively (he will not budge on this, i asked) and see whether we truly are good for each other. an important shift is that i now want to know more about his moral compass...now i have concerns. and i no longer want him at all costs, i want what's right for me first. but you all are right to point out that i should have shown him how to treat me better and been more explicit about my requirements. it's just that it would have been over then and there.

    so why have two otherwise intelligent people done this? it's my belief is that we struck a silent bargain at that restaurant on our 3rd date. he decided to downplay the extent and planned duration of his involvement with his ex (hoping that i would be there when it finally did end), and i decided to suppress my real feelings about his lack of exclusivity (hoping things would change towards exclusivity).

    both deeply flawed courses of action. his infinitely more strategic/respectful of his needs. but now i have reached my limit and pulled away. the right thing to do is and always has been to say "call me when you're ready for an exclusive relationship." i've been gathering the courage to do this for the past week, and he knows something has changed. hence the texting me, the odd updates informing me that his ex moved*, and inquiries into whether i want to ever see him again. i simply don't know if i will walk away now that she's gone, but i do know now that i will be ok without him. i didn't how how it would feel to cut him out of my life, and it's felt good in a sense, but lonely.

    there is no question that i love him, but now the question has been replaced with "who is he?" and, "is someone who let herself be a doormat, who suppressed her opinions even in a position to even want a relationship?" it's humbling to realize my role in all this, and realize that, even though i am loving and loyal, i might benefit from learning how to be loyal to me, how to be ok with some solitude and work on my communication skills.

    * here's one for the behavioral scientists out there: after not responding to his texts for a few days while deep in thought over this past week, he finally sent me a text updating me on his ex, and telling me that he had dropped her off at the airport. he thought i should know. i guess i was glad to know she's physically gone, but stunned that he thought it appropriate to include that he actually took her to the airport.


    p.s. pardon the typos, i am on a cell phone.
    I may be kindly, I am ordinarily gentle, but in my line of business I am obliged to will terribly what I will at all.
    ~ Catherine the Great


    7w6 ❣ sx/so ❤ physical touch ❥ sanguine 70%, choleric 30% ❦

    Johari.

  6. #146
    Superwoman Red Herring's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2010
    MBTI
    INTP
    Enneagram
    5w4 sp/sx
    Posts
    5,684

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by agentfurrina View Post
    so that's where i've been. detaching from him and deciding to either cut him out of my life, or date him over the next two months, non-exclusively (he will not budge on this, i asked) and see whether we truly are good for each other. an important shift is that i now want to know more about his moral compass...now i have concerns. and i no longer want him at all costs, i want what's right for me first. but you all are right to point out that i should have shown him how to treat me better and been more explicit about my requirements. it's just that it would have been over then and there.
    So you are saying that you two only got as far as you have gotten because you relinquished what is essential for your happiness and every human being's god damn right to want for themselves. If you had insisted on being treated the way you wanted to and deserved to, it would have died in the seed. He still sleeps with his ex months after starting to date you and talking about wanting a relationship with you. That does not sound like he is trying very hard. Which is the main point. You can't force people's feelings, but you can expect them to be respectful and make concessions and a real effort if they want to get ahead with you. Doesn't that mean that there probably never was a real potential for the kind of relationship you actually want?

    Your story reminds me of a horrible "relationship" I was in about ten years ago. He was almost six years older and much more experienced and played me like a jojo. I knew after two months that the thing had no future, but the thought of missing out on that imaginary potential relationship and the guy as I saw him (which had little to do with who he really was) hurt so much that I kept on hoping and bleeding insight for two whole years of on-ff-on-off maybe-yes-no-maybe-yes-no, etc!!! He enjoyed my attention and affection but didn't accomodate at all, I was a big net win for him, which is why he kept coming back for more.

    The way things are now its his way or the highway. I sincerely hope and recommend you choose the highway!
    The good life is one inspired by love and guided by knowledge. Neither love without knowledge, nor knowledge without love can produce a good life. - Bertrand Russell
    A herring's blog
    Johari / Nohari

  7. #147
    Senior Member Greta's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    MBTI
    INTe
    Posts
    166

    Default

    Let a million facepalms bloom

    You're still making excuses for him. And he still doesn't value you half as much as you'd like, puppy dog faces notwithstanding. And it's still a horrible idea to start on such unequal footing. I'm amazed. Forget what he says .... and says ... and says and look at what he does.

  8. #148
    Habitual Fi LineStepper JocktheMotie's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    8,193

    Default

    I love hopeful, jilted lover rationalizations. Some of my favorite things to read.



  9. #149
    Unlimited Dancemoves ® AgentF's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    MBTI
    ENFP
    Enneagram
    7w6 sx/so
    Socionics
    IEE
    Posts
    1,570

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by JocktheMotie View Post
    I love hopeful, jilted lover rationalizations. Some of my favorite things to read.
    you're awful. but thank you for making me smile.

    anyway, there is hope! i have pulled away. who here has successfully done this? cut and run while still in love? i want to hear about it, if so.
    I may be kindly, I am ordinarily gentle, but in my line of business I am obliged to will terribly what I will at all.
    ~ Catherine the Great


    7w6 ❣ sx/so ❤ physical touch ❥ sanguine 70%, choleric 30% ❦

    Johari.

  10. #150
    Emerging Tallulah's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    MBTI
    INTP
    Posts
    6,028

    Default

    Listen to the above posters, agentfurrina. You're being too accommodating of him. He doesn't deserve it. I think he was trying to have his cake and eat it, too. He's saying all the right things to you, and he might still be encouraging his ex, too. Really, you should just let him go. I foresee a lot of heartbreak if you keep trying to understand him and let him do things his way. At first, I thought it was reasonable to give him three months to get over his ex, but when you factor in the fact that he was still sleeping with her the whole time? And on your birthday, no less? Yeah, no. His actions are speaking louder than his words.

    Edit: Good! Pull WAY away. I've walked away from someone whom I felt like I was accommodating too much. It was too soon to really be in love with him, but I definitely had feelings for him. It hurt, and was confusing for a little while, but time confirmed it was the right thing to do. I realized he was just going to move on and find someone else to accommodate him. And that I wouldn't be happy continuing the way things were. I realized I needed more.
    Something Witty

Similar Threads

  1. [ENFP] What It's Like To Have an ENFP Sibling, By Domino, Esquire
    By Domino in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 24
    Last Post: 01-20-2012, 10:08 PM
  2. [ENFJ] INTP Confused By Enigmatic ENFJ
    By quidtimeam in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 27
    Last Post: 01-19-2011, 11:49 AM
  3. [MBTItm] ESTJ confused by ESFP friend
    By EJCC in forum The SP Arthouse (ESFP, ISFP, ESTP, ISTP)
    Replies: 31
    Last Post: 05-05-2010, 01:32 AM
  4. [INFP] INFP and ENFP CONFUSION!!
    By Nonsensical in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 28
    Last Post: 09-25-2009, 09:58 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Single Sign On provided by vBSSO