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  1. #81
    only bites when provoked
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    Quote Originally Posted by Varelse View Post
    I'm guessing you're not angered to the point of calmly destroying any items that stray outside the prescribed areas. Though that might scare some people into behaving.
    I wouldn't do that. I'll wait for an earthquake...

    I'll just continue to comment on the lack of logic and the unreasonableness. Eventually, I'll be proven right on one and they'll be more accepting. They have agreed to the minimalism rules, as it makes the house easier to maintain, too, and they're trying hard to keep the house in proper order.

    Your bedroom? You haven't renounced them yet?
    I can endure quite a bit. It's not easy and has forced me to start work two hours earlier than I have been and leave an hour later than I have been, so now I'm working 11-12 hours each day so I can avoid thinking about it as much as possible.

  2. #82
    darkened dreams labyrinthine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wolf View Post
    Ever since part of the family has come they have been infringing on my space and offending my sense of order. I expected them to keep all their figurines and doilies and frilly towels and weird soap dishes and mismatched furniture and dog statues and pictures and so-forth to their own rooms, but they have spread all over the house. Even my bathroom has been thrown into chaos, with frilly towels that don't match, among other things. My mum also insists on using my bathroom, which makes it that much worse.
    Why does she? (if you want to answer that is) It would seem only courteous to allow you that personal space. I am so sorry to hear about that, Wolf. Maybe you could make that bathroom unappealing to the others somehow? Leave manly shaving about? Or something stinky?

    Quote Originally Posted by Wolf View Post
    Mum cannot endure not using frilly tablecloths and hanging frilly dish towels and using dishes with colorful flower designs. They accept my plain drinking glasses, but that's because they didn't bring any. My sister appreciates what I prefer, yet it's hard when mum is like a force of...something.
    Condolences. I recently got rid of all dishes in favor of plain white ones. That way the colors and shapes don't clash with the flavors. Would they understand that argument?

    Quote Originally Posted by Wolf View Post
    I'm trying to keep the wave from engulfing everything, but it's quite the battle and it's hard to be forceful about it. When they even infringe on my bedroom, it's pretty difficult to deal with. I really want to evict everything from my mantle and leave nothing but my rock-filled vase with my plant perched upon it, but that would break mum's heart. I am fine with them living here, otherwise. They really are the easiest of my family to deal with (rather introverted, particularly grandpa and my sister).
    Would it really break her heart? Sounds like you might have to a little. It doesn't sound reasonable to be that hurt over something like that, but I don't know all the details. I hope you can get a lock on your bedroom door. They need to deal with that. It is only sensible to allow you that boundary. I'd guess any objective observer would say the same. (at least from our culture)

    Based on the little I know, my gut feeling is that if you don't carve out some personal space that is off limits, the consequences to you will be worse than any hurt feelings they may experience. There is just a lot of levels here invading your person that have a variety of negative effects. I did have an experience vaguely related a number of years ago, and it was actually a little scarring. People who don't need space can't comprehend that, but the lack of awareness doesn't change the fact that it can hurt and even scar you as a person.
    Step into my metaphysical room of mirrors.
    Fear of reality creates myopic morality
    So I guess it means there is trouble until the robins come
    (from Blue Velvet)

  3. #83
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    Quote Originally Posted by toonia View Post
    Why does she? (if you want to answer that is) It would seem only courteous to allow you that personal space. I am so sorry to hear about that, Wolf. Maybe you could make that bathroom unappealing to the others somehow? Leave manly shaving about? Or something stinky?
    I thought it was - they made it appealing to themselves by moving my stuff around. I left out shaving stuff and my two towels matched my rug. I don't like stinky stuff, so that's out. They just moved my towels to the handle on the shower door and put their frilly ones on the hanger. I really shouldn't be so bothered by this, it's petty.

    Condolences. I recently got rid of all dishes in favor of plain white ones. That way the colors and shapes don't clash with the flavors. Would they understand that argument?
    I don't know. At least they aren't their most outrageous ones. My dish (singular) was plain clear glass that looked rather at home with my plain clear glasses.

    Would it really break her heart? Sounds like you might have to a little. It doesn't sound reasonable to be that hurt over something like that, but I don't know all the details. I hope you can get a lock on your bedroom door. They need to deal with that. It is only sensible to allow you that boundary. I'd guess any objective observer would say the same. (at least from our culture)
    I do have a lock, only it's not reasonable to leave it locked when I'm away, as it doesn't have a key.

    Based on the little I know, my gut feeling is that if you don't carve out some personal space that is off limits, the consequences to you will be worse than any hurt feelings they may experience. There is just a lot of levels here invading your person that have a variety of negative effects. I did have an experience vaguely related a number of years ago, and it was actually a little scarring. People who don't need space can't comprehend that, but the lack of awareness doesn't change the fact that it can hurt and even scar you as a person.
    I just need to quit letting it bother me... While it makes me feel tired, it could be worse, I must remember that.

  4. #84
    Wait, what? Varelse's Avatar
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    Petty? Perhaps. But such things could also be construed as an invasion of your privacy, which seems to cause great annoyance.

    And I have that password protected why?
    We are not poets
    We have no right to make amendments

  5. #85
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    Password protected?

    I do have that - my computer is always locked when I'm not around.

  6. #86
    Wait, what? Varelse's Avatar
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    My parents would consider that paranoid. They want to know what I do on the computer...I think they'll survive so long as I'm not consistently IM-ing people or on chat rooms or such.

    They can't get into my computer.
    We are not poets
    We have no right to make amendments

  7. #87
    darkened dreams labyrinthine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wolf View Post
    I thought it was - they made it appealing to themselves by moving my stuff around. I left out shaving stuff and my two towels matched my rug. I don't like stinky stuff, so that's out. They just moved my towels to the handle on the shower door and put their frilly ones on the hanger. I really shouldn't be so bothered by this, it's petty.
    To preface anything i say in this matter - I admittedly know very little. Family stuff is always filled with layers, nuance, details, that simply cannot be conveyed in words alone to an acquaintance.

    That being said, my main point is that I hope you feel the personal freedom to tolerate it or not as you see fit for your own needs. I'll suggest that it is actually not petty because sharing a bathroom is about more than frilly towels. It is about a certain type of intimacy. If you don't wish to share that intimacy with someone you have a right to your boundary. I would feel deeply affected if family moved in and took over my bathroom when there was another one. A bathroom and a bedroom are the epitome of our personal privacy and intimacy (computers too). Things happen in those rooms I don't want anyone knowing about. (that sounds funny, but it is true for everyone) It doesn't matter what that means in the details, and it means all sorts of things for everyone.

    The trouble with family is that parents tend to forever see their offspring as children.

    Quote Originally Posted by Wolf View Post
    I don't know. At least they aren't their most outrageous ones. My dish (singular) was plain clear glass that looked rather at home with my plain clear glasses.

    I do have a lock, only it's not reasonable to leave it locked when I'm away, as it doesn't have a key.
    Why not add a lock with a key? Just a suggestion. I would. The family I lived with was a wonderful person and everything. That person just did not understand my personal boundaries, and it was difficult to the point of being scarring. I never talk about it to anyone, but it seems apt enough in this case. I really felt violated when the family member would walk into my bedroom or watch me eat, etc. It may sound overly sensitive, but each person has certain needs and boundaries to protect to not feel violated.

    Quote Originally Posted by Wolf View Post
    I just need to quit letting it bother me... While it makes me feel tired, it could be worse, I must remember that.
    Perhaps, but your needs, whatever those are (only you know), shouldn't be dismissed without consideration of the effects. Sometimes it just helps to hear support for your side, when surrounded by everyone else's perspectives.
    Step into my metaphysical room of mirrors.
    Fear of reality creates myopic morality
    So I guess it means there is trouble until the robins come
    (from Blue Velvet)

  8. #88
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    IMO, you have every right to feel the way you are feeling. I don't think you are overreacting at all. It is rude to redecorate another person's place without their consent and ruder to go into their bathroom or bedroom and start changing things around. They are basically moving you out of your own home. You are not the one that should feel bad- they should. They are the ones who are not being reasonable and who are violating your living space.

    Maybe they do not realize that what they are doing is bothering you and maybe they are even trying to be nice and brighten things up or whatever. They need to be told, as kindly as possible, that you would like certain areas and things about your place left as they are. It may look drab to them, but you find brighter, frillier things distracting, etc in those places. Poke fun at yourself a little if it helps them deal with it, but be firm. Otherwise, how is this arrangement going to be at all sustainable?
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  9. #89
    only bites when provoked
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    Quote Originally Posted by Varelse View Post
    My parents would consider that paranoid. They want to know what I do on the computer...I think they'll survive so long as I'm not consistently IM-ing people or on chat rooms or such.

    They can't get into my computer.
    It's mainly a habit I developed after getting my cat, who had/has a habit of walking on my laptop keyboard and making a mess in the process.

    Quote Originally Posted by toonia View Post
    That being said, my main point is that I hope you feel the personal freedom to tolerate it or not as you see fit for your own needs. I'll suggest that it is actually not petty because sharing a bathroom is about more than frilly towels. It is about a certain type of intimacy. If you don't wish to share that intimacy with someone you have a right to your boundary. I would feel deeply affected if family moved in and took over my bathroom when there was another one. A bathroom and a bedroom are the epitome of our personal privacy and intimacy (computers too). Things happen in those rooms I don't want anyone knowing about. (that sounds funny, but it is true for everyone) It doesn't matter what that means in the details, and it means all sorts of things for everyone.
    I cannot deny that it is really violating. I have always had a hard time living with people, even though I've lived with my family a long time. I prefer to live alone, and I might not mind living with someone else, provided they are very introverted (preferably a romantic partner if I'm sharing such areas with them). Curiously, my sister barely bothers me in this respect, while my mother bothers me far more. Maybe it's because we're both strongly-introverted INTJs.

    The trouble with family is that parents tend to forever see their offspring as children.
    This is quite true and very hard to shake. I fear that at this rate I'll never feel fully like an adult, because I'm never on my own for more than a couple months at a time...

    Why not add a lock with a key? Just a suggestion. I would. The family I lived with was a wonderful person and everything. That person just did not understand my personal boundaries, and it was difficult to the point of being scarring. I never talk about it to anyone, but it seems apt enough in this case. I really felt violated when the family member would walk into my bedroom or watch me eat, etc. It may sound overly sensitive, but each person has certain needs and boundaries to protect to not feel violated.

    Perhaps, but your needs, whatever those are (only you know), shouldn't be dismissed without consideration of the effects. Sometimes it just helps to hear support for your side, when surrounded by everyone else's perspectives.
    My needs are probably unreasonable. That's part of the reason I live in a house rather than an apartment...

    Quote Originally Posted by cafe View Post
    IMO, you have every right to feel the way you are feeling. I don't think you are overreacting at all. It is rude to redecorate another person's place without their consent and ruder to go into their bathroom or bedroom and start changing things around. They are basically moving you out of your own home. You are not the one that should feel bad- they should. They are the ones who are not being reasonable and who are violating your living space.

    Maybe they do not realize that what they are doing is bothering you and maybe they are even trying to be nice and brighten things up or whatever. They need to be told, as kindly as possible, that you would like certain areas and things about your place left as they are. It may look drab to them, but you find brighter, frillier things distracting, etc in those places. Poke fun at yourself a little if it helps them deal with it, but be firm. Otherwise, how is this arrangement going to be at all sustainable?
    Brightening is hard - my world is already rather bright. It is merely not frilly in any way, and I like it like that...

  10. #90
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    Today was a slow, quiet, boring day. Our company president was back in the office today, and we heard him coming, with his loud voice talking to people, cracking jokes, then he said something about baseball and someone made a snide comment and he went off. Very entertaining guy... Must be an easterner of some sort, because he sounds quite eastern, and he is apparently a fan of some NY teams. I thought he was from NY.

    The monotony of my ham sandwiches is already getting to me, and it is only Wednesday (the second day I've been eating them). Yesterday's sandwich completely disintegrated and contained nothing but ham and dijon mustard between some of mom's homemade bread that she cut (unsuccessfully) with a knife. Today's was much better, thanks to her use of string to cut the bread, addition of cheese, and addition of a roasted pepper (I requested the last two). It still wasn't really a suitable-sized lunch, I'll probably lose weight in the coming weeks.

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