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[INTP] INTP and the challenge of flirting

nozflubber

DoubleplusUngoodNonperson
Joined
Mar 30, 2008
Messages
2,078
MBTI Type
Hype
for me, when the time is really right to flirt.... there IS no challenge. It just flows as if I were an EXXP.

What I think is really difficult for the INTP is feigning the motivation to flirt to begin with. which, in my opinion, is about 99% of the time we're encouraged to flirt, that or like were merely find ourselves WISHING WE WANTED to flirt, when we truly don't feel like it. if the desire to be loose and free is not there, it's not going to be genuine, IE challenging/awkward.

I don't think you can "will down the walls" of resistance to flirting. Just wait til it feels right to do. you'll know when.


EDIT: oh, what's truly a challenge to us, regardless of our inner willingness to flirt, is detecting/knowing when the other person is TRYING to flirt. I don't think you can ever fix that kind of stupid we have :( Jennifer's good at it, but she's the exception rather than norm, imo
 

Craft

Probably Most Brilliant
Joined
Jan 8, 2010
Messages
1,221
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
5w7
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
The sincerity and innocence. The hunger for improvement. It's very honest. I guess that's "cute".

Pardon the digression from the OP, but this gave me an idea. This judgement of yours baffled me, and so I wondered. I thought Introverted Thinking, then Introverted Feeling, then Te, then Fe and then Ji. Je acts towards awareness of external system.

From experience, I have often labeled most IxFP's, otherwise known as Dom Fi, as very naive. The ineptitude of my friend, who was one, even made me laugh hysterically. But in another light of experience, I have often wondered why my fellow students, friends etc. have continuously laughed at me for making simple statements and/or applying an efficient course of action. There was one time wherein, while I was participating in class, my teacher asked me to louden my voice. What I did was louden it significantly that it sounded like screaming. And after short intervals of "screamtalk", everyone laughed and this made me very puzzled. I looked at the teacher while positioning my face to beg for clarity. He agreed with my method but I was still wondering what "funny thing" I had done. Of course, it's some sort of "language" I don't understand: a common social intuitive norm that perhaps I am theoretically weak in.

------

The only idea I can suggest for the OP is to do things as naturally as he/she can but with the addition that you only have to push your "defaultness" more. Also, what this person said.

for me, when the time is really right to flirt.... there IS no challenge. It just flows as if I were an EXXP.

What I think is really difficult for the INTP is feigning the motivation to flirt to begin with. which, in my opinion, is about 99% of the time we're encouraged to flirt, that or like were merely find ourselves WISHING WE WANTED to flirt, when we truly don't feel like it. if the desire to be loose and free is not there, it's not going to be genuine, IE challenging/awkward.

I don't think you can "will down the walls" of resistance to flirting. Just wait til it feels right to do. you'll know when.


EDIT: oh, what's truly a challenge to us, regardless of our inner willingness to flirt, is detecting/knowing when the other person is TRYING to flirt. I don't think you can ever fix that kind of stupid we have :( Jennifer's good at it, but she's the exception rather than norm, imo
 

saltmineworker

New member
Joined
Aug 27, 2010
Messages
15
MBTI Type
INTP
To address a previous poster, I don't care about neon signs either. I just heard it in a class at some point, and for some reason, I don't forget things. My friends always call me when they have some random question. I just automatically answer questions.
 

quamdel

New member
Joined
Jan 19, 2010
Messages
68
MBTI Type
INTP
for me, when the time is really right to flirt.... there IS no challenge. It just flows as if I were an EXXP.

What I think is really difficult for the INTP is feigning the motivation to flirt to begin with. which, in my opinion, is about 99% of the time we're encouraged to flirt, that or like were merely find ourselves WISHING WE WANTED to flirt, when we truly don't feel like it. if the desire to be loose and free is not there, it's not going to be genuine, IE challenging/awkward.

I don't think you can "will down the walls" of resistance to flirting. Just wait til it feels right to do. you'll know when.


EDIT: oh, what's truly a challenge to us, regardless of our inner willingness to flirt, is detecting/knowing when the other person is TRYING to flirt. I don't think you can ever fix that kind of stupid we have :( Jennifer's good at it, but she's the exception rather than norm, imo

so true. When I want to flirt, I wil flip that switch in the back of my head on and go head first into the unknown...

but when i don't want to, I simply don't want to. and sometimes colorful wordplay can be confused with flirting. but it coes down to this:

"We can't fake the funk.":blush:

side note: I truly never know when someone is flirting with me. We are retards at this. We do respond well to honesty though.
 
Last edited:

Unique

New member
Joined
Oct 14, 2008
Messages
1,702
INTP style... Though the power of science...

Human pheromones

Takes a lot of experiementing... but it works for me
 

Blown Ghost

New member
Joined
Aug 16, 2010
Messages
279
MBTI Type
ESFP
Flirting is easy, you're probably just trying too hard. Relax and have fun and your natural style will emerge.
 

saltmineworker

New member
Joined
Aug 27, 2010
Messages
15
MBTI Type
INTP
For some reason, I don't want to employ chemical assistants. I figure that if I have a deficiency that makes me unappealing, I'm better served in improving myself.
 

Unique

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Oct 14, 2008
Messages
1,702

Looks alright I guess... looks like more tinkering and care of dose would be required there and cover scents etc...

Just be careful with -none too much and unbuffered with socials can make you seem like the "creepy guy wanting to get in every girls pants but never will" guy

Used correctly and its more like "take me now you stud!"

For some reason, I don't want to employ chemical assistants. I figure that if I have a deficiency that makes me unappealing, I'm better served in improving myself.

I could argue that showing with shampoo is an unnatural process and you are washing off your natural pheromones

But I really couldn't care less what you do :party:
 

Unique

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Messages
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Oh and I'd just like to add that it is perfectly possible to do a "self improvement" but most INTPs idea of this is that there is something wrong with them and they need to become more like everyone else in order to be liked

Let me just say, been there... done that... got liked... and guess what... didn't like it

Your introversion will be drained to hell, you will feel like shit, your intuition will be going nuts from being restrained and put on a leash... its not a pretty picture, you aren't being yourself

So don't tell me a "chemical enhancement" is somehow more shallow then conforming to some sort of standard personality to get people to like you
 

Little Linguist

Striving for balance
Joined
Jun 23, 2008
Messages
6,880
MBTI Type
xNFP
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
I have 2 modes that I operate in for the most part. The first is where I'm in Ti mode and not really looking to talk to anyone. It appears somewhat anti-social, I'm pretty sure. It may even appear arrogant to some people. That's not really it at all. I'm just focused on doing what I have to do and getting back home or wherever else I need to go. I'm focused and I'm being efficient with my time, and so small talk doesn't really fit into that "efficient mode". It's seen as a distraction. When I'm in this mode, I still might draw some curiosity (maybe they see me as the mysterious, quiet guy - or maybe the mysterious, arrogant dude who doesn't want to talk to anyone - that's not who I really am, but there are some females who like that). But, there will be a few people interested in trying to see what's underneath, but they approach very carefully and from a distance - because subconciously when I'm "focused" or not in a social mood, I "create" that type of a situation - where people won't get into small talk easily with me. Instead, they just kind of wonder, "what's this guy all about?" Anyhow, this Ti mode isn't really the best for meeting new people.

Then there's Ne mode (with a little bit of Ti thrown in). I've been using this a lot in the last year or so and I have to say, my social circle has grown by leaps and bounds. Basically, I make people laugh, keep things light, crack jokes (play on words, etc.). The other day, a girl was asking me if I allow my dog in my bed. I said, "Why would I do that?" She said, "To cuddle with him!" I said, "First of all, he's male, not female. Not interested! Secondly, he's a canine, not a human. Again, not interested. Plus, if I meet someone and end up getting married, then I'll have to break the dog's habit of climbing into bed with me! And that might not be easy to do." She insisted, "Until you get married, you would have someone to cuddle with!" I said, "You know, he actually does have better breath than some of the girlfriends I've had in the past, so maybe you have a point!" We both laughed pretty hard. I guess I'm just throwing that out there as an example of how you can use Ne/Ti to just keep things light and silly. People seem to take to that pretty easily and I have to say, it's not that much harder than being in "Ti mode". It takes a little bit more effort. I think INTP's can crack jokes in almost any situation. And people really like that. And I don't really come on to women at all. I just keep being my crazy self, day in and day out, every time I see them and, sometimes, they start to like me. I think they like the fact that I'm not hitting on them constantly - I'm just being funny and being confident in who I am. After knowing them for a while, then they'll start asking more personal questions - how come you aren't married, we should hang out sometime, etc, etc.

Basically, if I try to "get women", it kind of doesn't work that well. But, if I just crack jokes and keep things light and witty, it goes fairly smoothly and everyone has a good time.

***Forgive me for busting in here as an ENFP - but as a wife of an INTP, I wanted to comment***

Exactly THAT was what attracted me to my husband. ***giggles*** He acts EXACTLY precisely absolutely the way you have just described yourself, especially when I first met him. He was nearly all Ti with little bursts of Ne that just made my insides glow. ***happy***

I met my husband - of all places - at a castle. He was the tour guide, of course, the serious man who knew his stuff better than any encyclopedia and with enough Ne to make it, oh, so interesting.

Well I wanted to see two rooms of the castle, and I looked at this other 68er dumb ass behind the counter and knew immediately AWWWW HELL NO. Then, he came into the room: There he was, all business, serious, and well handsome (dare I say). And I said, "THERE, right there, he'll let me in!" And at first, he told me it was impossible (Ti) garrrrr. And I looked at him, serious, purposeful, but still a little cute ***giggle*** And said, "I understand, but I have travelled over 400 km just to see this place, and nowhere on the website does it state that I have to book in advance. I am doing research here, and I have my documentation with me, and I would really like to see it." Hehe, that kicked the Ne into business and he found a way around the rules (wheeeeeeee) And that was what brought us together. HA!

At first, he had what I called the 'pole in his ass' phase - you know that half lovable, half annoying-as-hell all serious garrr grrr I am all serious grumpy man. Yeah yeah yeah, whatever.....but the more I interact with him, the more his great Ne shines through, and we make each other laugh and laugh and laugh. We have such great fantasy in everything, and that keeps a relationship alive.

Every once in a while, especially when he's concentrating, he'll get into one of his grumpy, Ti, pole-in-the-ass phases. It used to confuse me and even piss me off, but now I just tease him about it (Ne) afterwards, and he even jokes with me. After the fact, it can be really sexy actually to see him all serious Mr. Grumpy-Bumpy. HAHA. :D

You INTPs don't have to try. At least with girls along my wavelength. Gals like me are super attracted to IXTP and IXTJ. Weird. But cool. With the right girl, it just happens.

Wow, this may very well be the most incredibly disorganized post I have ever made. Oh well.
 

ExAstrisSpes

New member
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Aug 11, 2010
Messages
337
MBTI Type
ENFJ
Used correctly and its more like "take me now you stud!"

.............

I could argue that showing with shampoo is an unnatural process and you are washing off your natural pheromones

The INTP I'm dating is an Old Spice man. . . . I'd be so happy to just sniff him for hours. . . . . :wub:

So don't tell me a "chemical enhancement" is somehow more shallow then conforming to some sort of standard personality to get people to like you

Well, conforming to some "standard personality" is not being yourself, which is fake, which other N's will pick up on and be repulsed by. Kind of like wearing Aqua Velva. :p

I dated an INTP who was big on being "self aware" and learning about "human consciousness". He segmented a huge chunk of his life (over half) from me, and when I found out about it (right after we broke up), he told me he was never going to share that with me anyway, and thought I already knew about it and so didn't need to discuss it with me. :wtf: So while "self improvement" helps with socializing with other people, it doesn't make you "not-a-douchebag", which you may or may not suffer from.
 

INTPness

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Jan 22, 2009
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5w4
You INTPs don't have to try. At least with girls along my wavelength. Gals like me are super attracted to IXTP and IXTJ. Weird. But cool. With the right girl, it just happens.

This is how it always seems to go with the NFP's I've known. Very easy to connect. Went really smoothly with the ENFJ I dated too, but in a different way. Having Ne in common with the NFP's makes it exhilirating. With the ENFJ it was much more "grounded" and calm, but still fairly easy.


At first, he had what I called the 'pole in his ass' phase - you know that half lovable, half annoying-as-hell all serious garrr grrr I am all serious grumpy man. Yeah yeah yeah, whatever.....but the more I interact with him, the more his great Ne shines through, and we make each other laugh and laugh and laugh. We have such great fantasy in everything, and that keeps a relationship alive.

Every once in a while, especially when he's concentrating, he'll get into one of his grumpy, Ti, pole-in-the-ass phases. It used to confuse me and even piss me off, but now I just tease him about it (Ne) afterwards, and he even jokes with me. After the fact, it can be really sexy actually to see him all serious Mr. Grumpy-Bumpy. HAHA. :D

This is actually where I ran into some problems with an ENFP. She didn't realize how much I needed that Ti time. How important it was for me to recharge my batteries. She would get mad and gripe and complain because she wasn't the center of my attention. She expected me to be Ne all the time. But, I'm not an ENTP. This was actually the very thing that caused us to turn away from each other eventually. On my end, I was probably spending too much time in Ti mode (not giving her enough of my time). On her end, she couldn't bring herself to appreciate that this was a very real part of my personality that I needed. Trying to change me into something else would have made me unhappy in the long run.

But, yes, your description is very much like what we experienced. Insanely funny (x 1 million) when we were both "on".
 

Little Linguist

Striving for balance
Joined
Jun 23, 2008
Messages
6,880
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xNFP
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sx/so
INTP, thanks for sharing this, and I haven't answered yet because I wanted to mull what you said around in my brain.

This ENFP and being 'the center of attention' - NOT!

Interestingly enough, at least in my case - granted, I cannot speak for your ENFP ex, and indeed I am quite different than several ENFPs I have encountered on the forum - it is not about 'wanting to be in the limelight' with my INTP husband all the time.

Fe v. Fi?

In fact, it's rather amusing. HE complains that I am often TOO independent, i.e. in his words, "I often live as though I were still alone, not thinking of us as a couple, and making autonomous decisions, often using the word 'I' whereas he uses the word 'we'."

This sounded weird coming, FROM ALL PLACES, from my INTP husband. Dude, I thought you guys LIVED for independent thought and stuff. And when I stand there like, ":huh: *ahem* WHAT?" I am reminded of some of the threads in here.

I think it comes from Fe v. Fi. I'm not sure, though. Strange, strange that. I'd expect that from an ENFJ for Christ's sake.

Anyway, funny thing - I was an only child, so I can occupy my time quite fine alone. This really, really, REALLY bothered me as a kid, but when you adapt to the situation, you adjust, and then you find it difficult to realize, "Holy shit, there is actually someone in my life now." All your activities involved being alone or with random groups of people.

So actually I am not the hampering dudette who is always like, "Whaaaa you don't spend enough time with me. Whaaaa go there, do this, do that." Actually, when my husband says, "I'm going to this place," I am like, "Oh, good, have fun," after which he sorta half-jokes, "Oh, yeah, good that the asshole's going!!!!" I am not sure if he is offended that I say that. So I tell him, "Nooooo, I just want you to have fun, and I could use some time alone, too. We shouldn't always be attached to each other by the hip. You need your fun, too." Don't know if that makes it worse, but whatever.

Ti? WTHF is that? And how do I deal with you????

So anyway, Ti. Yeah, it doesn't bother me as much as it BAFFLES me. Seeing someone 'grumpy,' 'mulling,' and just plain 'concentrating' like that makes me think something is WRONG. Because when I am mulling like that, I'm usually perplexed, confused, pissed, or worrying - or working super-hard. Ironically, I have the same expression sometimes, but I don't see myself; whereas, I DO SEE him. Besides, I usually brainstorm out loud, unless I am sifting through stuff in my head, which I usually do alone. So I MISINTERPRET the expression because I don't UNDERSTAND how he can be all happy-go-lucky joking one minute, and look, well, like THAT another minute. E.g. that's why the typical, "Are you okay? Is something wrong?" comes out, which I guess totally baffles Mr. INTP who's probably thinking, "Uh, wtf? I'm sitting here? Doing my work? Where the eff did that come from?" Besides, I don't usually distract him WHILE he is working, but if he starts going into the blank stare at the table while eating, I start thinking, "Oh, good Lord, what now?" (Again, ironically, I do the same thing, and get just as defensive when he asks me the same thing - how odd.) And I can analyze all this in a calm moment, but at the TIME, I think, :WTF:?

Then when I say that, my husband gets all defensive, "OMG YOU ARE TEN TIMES WORSE when you're concentrating. I think you're about ready to kill someone. And when I come in when you're working and distract you, you look like you wanna kill ME. So what's your problem? I'm just sitting there, concentrating on my work, and you get all pissed that I am not paying attention to you."

And I think, Jesus H. Christ, what is YOUR problem? I don't want your attention, but I wanna fucking eat breakfast before it's goddamn lunchtime, and if I eat without you, you get pissed because I am not being 'social' and doing shit with you. Ugh. So fuck off. Jesus. So I get all grumpy, hop on my Wii and start 'punching shit' to get out my negative energy because I am about ready to punch this guy's head with a tree trunk, and it's like holy cow on a crypt.

Don't get me wrong. I love him more than anything, and we have a wonderful time like 98% of the time, but that other 2% it's like fucking WWIII, dude, and it ain't pretty.

So trust me. If we baffle you with our Ne going all Holy Jesus, and our Fi making us independent little fart shits, then you confuse the Jeez Louise outta us with the Ti going on, and the fast shifts in and out of Ne...Followed by occasional holy-crap-his-Fe-is-gonna-get-me moments.

The Sticky Point

I'd say the major challenge for us comes with the making decisions and sharing point. See, when I want to make a decision, I brainstorm. Out loud. Looking at options. Pros v. Cons. What do you think? Do you have any ideas? Oh, we could do this, or I could do that, and by the way, that might also be good.

Two weeks later: A completely different concept. And a completely baffled husband.

Let's look at the other perspective:

Husband wants to do something. Husband mulls over the dinner table and in front of his computer with a blank, staring, hard expression. Husband mulls this, that, the other thing over in his mind.

Husband comes to me. I would like to do this. For that and that and that reason. What do you think?

He's already made up his mind. SO WHY THE EFF DID HE ASK ME?????? I'm sure if I say yes, he'll be like, "Cool shit." and if I say no, he'll say, "Well, actually I already did it," or "Well, I'm going to do it."

Well then WHY GET MY INPUT? Dumb ass.

See...I've learned over time how our minds work, so I am getting better at it now, and so is he. But at first, we used to drive each other crazy because I thought he was a hard-ass, stubborn, doing his own shit kinda guy. And he thought I was a stupid flake who didn't know what I wanted and changed my mind every two seconds.

TL;DR Version:

So it's all about appreciating one another over time and getting to know each other. But doing a fake flirt doesn't help.
 

INTP

Active member
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Jul 31, 2009
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7,803
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intp
Enneagram
5w4
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sx
Husband comes to me. I would like to do this. For that and that and that reason. What do you think?

He's already made up his mind. SO WHY THE EFF DID HE ASK ME?????? I'm sure if I say yes, he'll be like, "Cool shit." and if I say no, he'll say, "Well, actually I already did it," or "Well, I'm going to do it."

Well then WHY GET MY INPUT? Dumb ass.

well, i might ask peoples opinion about something that i have already made my mind about, but thats kinda like pre-decision and i ask other peoples opinion to form the the final decision. like if you say something like "well, dunno i think it might not be a very good idea", well i think its a good idea so ill do it anyways, but if you are really strongly against it i will take your opinion in consideration and will try to find a solution that will satisfy both

i think you meant INTPness, not me
 

Little Linguist

Striving for balance
Joined
Jun 23, 2008
Messages
6,880
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xNFP
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sx/so
well, i might ask peoples opinion about something that i have already made my mind about, but thats kinda like pre-decision and i ask other peoples opinion to form the the final decision. like if you say something like "well, dunno i think it might not be a very good idea", well i think its a good idea so ill do it anyways, but if you are really strongly against it i will take your opinion in consideration and will try to find a solution that will satisfy both

i think you meant INTPness, not me

Well, that's interesting that you mention that aspect because nowadays my husband actually listens to what I have to say when he asks me. And about certain things, he actually asks me first before he has even decided. I guess this means that I have earned a place in his mind called, "People I can take seriously and have something good to offer." YAYZ!!!!! But at first, it was like, uhhhh? WTF? hahah.

Oh, yeah, my mistake, I meant INTPness, but I am happy you chimed in as well, so it is a good thing that I made that little mistake. ;)
 
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