[ENTJ] ENTJs: How easy is it for you to give the cold shoulder?

[Vie]

.


THIS IS THE #1 REASON THAT 99% OF ALL OF MY PRIOR RELATIONSHIPS ENDED OVER !!

I don't know why, but sometimes I feel as if I'm being ignored. Momentary cease of communication may be part of a healthy relationship, or it could signal something else is going on!

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DISCERN! That's my problem.

The word "ignored" is the label attached to all prior affairs. I try to find out why I feel this way - but I never get a straight answer. Then I just call it quits.



Well, fellow ENTJs when it comes to affairs I suppose our lack of discernment and cold unforgiving endings may very well be our "tragic flaw"

ME TOO. I feel as though I'm being ignored, even when I rationally know I'm not. My SO could be at work or hanging with other people, but if they don't answer I begin to feel as though I'm being ignored. I react in a pissed off way and they are left being confused as to why I'm mad.

If they just said in an honest way, Hey I'm busy for a bit we can talk later -- I would have NO PROBLEM what so ever. I just hate that people can be really passive aggressive about things, so I expect that everyone is passive aggressive -- thereby not having the balls to stop "ignoring" me.
If that makes sense.
Then I begin to try harder for a bit to get their attention, making it seem like I'm clingy. Then when they continue to evade, I cut them out of my life.

Sometimes, (hell, most of the time) people are left wondering why I'm no longer speaking to them.

Bahaha.

 

[MoneyTick]

ME TOO. I feel as though I'm being ignored, even when I rationally know I'm not. My SO could be at work or hanging with other people, but if they don't answer I begin to feel as though I'm being ignored. I react in a pissed off way and they are left being confused as to why I'm mad.

If they just said in an honest way, Hey I'm busy for a bit we can talk later -- I would have NO PROBLEM what so ever. I just hate that people can be really passive aggressive about things, so I expect that everyone is passive aggressive -- thereby not having the balls to stop "ignoring" me.
If that makes sense.
Then I begin to try harder for a bit to get their attention, making it seem like I'm clingy. Then when they continue to evade, I cut them out of my life.

Sometimes, (hell, most of the time) people are left wondering why I'm no longer speaking to them.

Bahaha.

Hahahha Evil and naughty ENTJs, aren't we?

It kind of feels great cutting someone loose and not giving one speck of a damm, but yet:

After turning so many heads and breaking so many hearts - I have all of these feelings building up inside of me like a reservoir that I am sort of "saving up" for someone special that I really haven't met yet.

Its like nobody has ever experienced 100% of my love, because I have a gut feeling somewhere down the line I'm going to meet someone worthy of getting all of it.

I really am not satisfied at all with short-term affairs, I'd feel complete being married and staying committed to someone.

And as soon as I feel someone is ignoring me - I get the impression that that person is not all for me, but just looking for some temporary affection.

So I retract, and cut the relationship loose.

I think that's the underlying or subconscious reason for why ENTJs are so cold and can walk away so easy.

Because we only give away "free samples" - bits and pieces of our affection to "test" and see if that person is truly the one.

If not, we don't loose anything and retract.

If so, then I could see myself unleashing a huge waterfall of love.

But maybe its because we're just naturally emotionally strong and stable, idk.

 

[Blown Ghost]

I used to burn a lot of bridges. In my experience, though, I've realized that most people need to be trained how to behave towards you. I've learned to be at peace with others' mistakes, even if it means our relationship might change drastically because of the choices they make.

 

[figsfiggyfigs]

Mhm. I find that those who walk away from me whether romantically or in friendship...well, it bothers me. I can't walk away from them. Which is odd considering in every other aspect of life, I am a cold hearted bitch.

YES! agreed. I CAN'T just walk out and leave someone; unless I feel they have betrayed my trust or have hurt me. once I feel such has occurred. I decided whether I would like to keep them as an acquaintance( i running into each other in a public function, thus ceasing any bitter feelings) or just cut them out entirely. Either way, it's simple and fast. it's extremely easy for me to detach myself from someone, no matter HOW long I have known them or how close. Sure, they'll probably be in my mind a few times in the first day or 2, but I'll quickly displace them with higher priorities.

Hoho, I used to do that too. I had a best friend in middle school, and at a point I realized all we ever talked about was boys! So I said: "I can't see you anymore, Karen. All we talk about is boys. I think we should take a break." Haven't talked to her since. Don't even get me started about getting back at people. I was a terrible kid. Even if they didn't do stuff on purpose, I felt like the damage was done and I had to punish them. I hope I've grown since then.

For me, there's no difference between walking away from a romantic relationships or deep friendships. I've done both. The total amount of pain is the same. The way I deal with loss is to cut people out of my mind, my life. The more they meant to me, the harder I have to slam that door.

I'll be in shock for a few days, depending on how deep our relationship was. Then I'll start to block them out of my mind, very successfully. And I never look back. I don't dwell and I don't remissness about the "good times". I just keep pushing forward. Any other direction is uncomfortable. It can be hard sometimes, but I don't really care.

I think that might be the reason why I find saying goodbye sad. I can get quite chocked up about it. Because when I say goodbye to you, I mean it. You cease to exist. At least in my reality.

DING DING DING. accurate to the nth degree

Vievamemuisque, I gotta say were similar. Especially the last word

My social life is this: go out to a party; bar, get together etc... Meet at least 20-40 people and have a 20 minute conversation with each - have a blast And THATS IT

no really close friends, just a zillion aquaintances Which can of course lead to being alone despite my uniqe ability to make friends so fast.

I guess it applies to relationships as well. It starts out great, then gets better then goes downhill

Still it may be lonely at the top, but the view is phenomenal

I noticed this about myself when I was in high school... Once I saw the cracks, I filled them up with real friends . I decreased the amount of time I spend with everyone, and started spending more time with people I genuinely liked, slowly building real friendships along the way.

and @ the relationship part. SO true. starts off great, gets better, then DOWNHILL we go!!! : P

 

[capricorn009]

lol...the cold shoulder. Something has changed within me lately, I no longer
care about rejection because I know a comfortable amount of people who a-
gree that intellect and imagination are something that can bring people closer
together instead of tearing them apart the way that a society over-ran by
cliques and trying to be just like everybody else does.

ENTJ

 

[Lark]

Most ENTJs who have strong Te can shut down relationships and move on, once they've ascertained that there's no hope. This doesn't mean they don't experience pain and hurt.

Very true.

To the OP, I think a lot of the time forgiving and forgetting are mentioned in the same breath because in order to properly forget people in some sense have to forgive, at least they have to move to a point where they do not care enough to recollect, I mean really do not care, not simply saying it and leaving whatever it was which begs forgiveness lodged in the unconscious someplace.

I can do the whole shut down on people, I've only encountered one person with whom I've serious difficulties doing that, in that relationship the roles are kind of reversed and she has no problem shutting down on me. Its like karmic or poetic justice maybe.

 

[MoneyTick]

Very true.

To the OP, I think a lot of the time forgiving and forgetting are mentioned in the same breath because in order to properly forget people in some sense have to forgive, at least they have to move to a point where they do not care enough to recollect, I mean really do not care, not simply saying it and leaving whatever it was which begs forgiveness lodged in the unconscious someplace.

I can do the whole shut down on people, I've only encountered one person with whom I've serious difficulties doing that, in that relationship the roles are kind of reversed and she has no problem shutting down on me. Its like karmic or poetic justice maybe.

No, I go with a 100% shut down.

The times in life where I've worked the hardest, felt the most motivation to pursue happiness and prosperity, and experienced the climaxes of success .... Were, ironically, in the wake of broken relationships.

Its kind of this knack I have to prove to my ex-partner that she just let go of something precious. A sketchy but smart way of getting revenge -

I never really feel depressed - my mind automatically converts it into motivation and willpower to purse greater things in life. Things I would eventually gain, and things that my ex-partner will see and want.

Then they always come back, they always want to apologize because they've always wanted to travel the world, life a relaxing life, go on lavish shopping sprees, and above all have a committed and respectful man of which I am.

I have a great job, and I am a happy dude living the life I've always dreamed of.

It goes back to my roots - when I was in college, laughing at those party animals while I was running two businesses. I had people working for me since I was 19. The others were working for PlayStation and beer, under the payroll of drug-dealing.

I must admit, If it weren't for broken relationships and other failures - I would have never traveled the alleyway of success.

Sucks for those girls who pursued the one's that could best drown a glass of vodka at the wildest baddass party.

They always come back, and I respond with my epic mantra:

"You never know what you've had, until you've lost it"

Haha sophisticated revenge ENTJ style.

 

[TheMonocle]

This is interesting. I've known many ENTJ's and I've seen the cold shoulder thing a bunch. I asked once, cause it's so opposite of my nature. It's like watching a contortionist at a circus. You get that same feeling where you kind of turn your head in the direction they're bending and you wonder how that's possible... It almost hurts to watch. Of course, I'm a feeler and I'm empathetic on the most ridiculous level imaginable. I've also seen how difficult that decision is to make when they care.

In some ways, I admire it. I wish I could "tune out" like that. Lord knows, I get tired of the emotional noise I hear. Other times, I find myself watching the meanest people I've ever seen in my life doing some of the most ridiculous things I've ever seen with a straight face. And logically... if you listen, it makes sense.

The unfortunate thing is... people are messy. They don't fit into little holes with pegs and as much as I wish you could use absolutes, formulas or set rules on people... Well, you can... But, it may not work the way you want it to. I'm really good with people. Sometimes, I hate it. People just keep coming to me and telling me their life story. And I can't stop being nice to them. It's really annoying when I'm tired, or reading, or in the middle of writing a story. It was an ENTJ who helped me learn to set limits for myself.

Personally, I keep as many ENTJ's around me as I can. Because they make nice walls. As long as they channel that mess...away from me and not at me... I'm all for some meanies.

I married one. God bless my soul.

*Note to anyone who doesn't understand. Get under their armor. It's paradise and they're worth every moment.

 

[mrcockburn]

Yes, if I ended the relationship due to a breach of loyalty (cheating) or a display of possessiveness. One such instance results in automatic "termination", and I try to completely vaporize them from my existence. Delete numbers, facebook, etc. Funny thing is, I don't really do it out of anger or hatred. It's more like "standard procedure".

(Then again, I only had to remove one person for cheating and one for the possessiveness issue.)

However, the possessive guy WAS an ENTJ himself, and he had serious issues with letting me go when I let him go. Ignoring my break-up emails, continuing to call, harassing my friends to locate me, getting all emotional. It was a nightmare.

However, if the relationship ended just because we didn't have that "chemistry" anymore or for circumstantial/non-offensive reasons, then we still stay in touch as friends.

 

[Vie]

Yes, if I ended the relationship due to a breach of loyalty (cheating) or a display of possessiveness. One such instance results in automatic "termination", and I try to completely vaporize them from my existence. Delete numbers, facebook, etc. Funny thing is, I don't really do it out of anger or hatred. It's more like "standard procedure".

(Then again, I only had to remove one person for cheating and one for the possessiveness issue.)

However, the possessive guy WAS an ENTJ himself, and he had serious issues with letting me go when I let him go. Ignoring my break-up emails, continuing to call, harassing my friends to locate me, getting all emotional. It was a nightmare.

However, if the relationship ended just because we didn't have that "chemistry" anymore or for circumstantial/non-offensive reasons, then we still stay in touch as friends.

Standard procedure is an excellent way of putting it. For example, in the past week I've had a friend seriously mess up countless times. Over and over, and although I'm not one for many chances, I kept giving them because I cared.
But I woke up yesterday morning, and I said to myself...what in the hell? It never takes me this long to cut the cord. So I've cut that person out and they will stay out.

I give a second chance, sometimes a third one, but if you keep burning me, I'm going to set you on fire and walk away.

 

[TheMonocle]

I think the most important thing to remember with people who repeat mistakes is to consider their intentions. Are they trying to fix something? Trying to understand and just aren't quite there yet? Don't give up on someone who cares enough about you to genuinely try to come from your angle.

INFJ's have some beautiful insights about this... "People don't heal/learn/grow/ on your time table. Give them the room to learn at their pace." I know. I know. That's hard when you see someone you care about banging their head against a brick wall, but it doesn't necessarily mean they are nincompoops. It could mean they care about you enough to compromise and find a solution.

If someone hurts you, tell them. People have many boundaries. MANY. And ENTJ's (God love em!) tend to cross them on accident a lot by wanting to move forward NOW! Deep breaths... pull back some... look at it from a different perspective. Always look at the intention. And remember a warrior's lesson... when to retreat and regroup to win a battle.

I've seen so many of this type torture themselves with this. I just want to hug them. ::blink blink::

 

[mrcockburn]

Standard procedure is an excellent way of putting it. For example, in the past week I've had a friend seriously mess up countless times. Over and over, and although I'm not one for many chances, I kept giving them because I cared.
But I woke up yesterday morning, and I said to myself...what in the hell? It never takes me this long to cut the cord. So I've cut that person out and they will stay out.

I give a second chance, sometimes a third one, but if you keep burning me, I'm going to set you on fire and walk away.

"Greg, have I explained the Circle of Trust to you? Because once you're out, you're out. There's no getting back in." :1377:

 

[TheMonocle]

"Greg, have I explained the Circle of Trust to you? Because once you're out, you're out. There's no getting back in." :1377:

I have that for my creative ventures. It's drawn in my journal. People who I know I can trust with my most prized goals. Who want the best for me. And I know that without a shadow of a doubt they believe in my future. How different are people really? Sorry, I wonder out loud and interrupt, huh? Continue guys... I like to see what you have to say.

 

[munwai]

50/50. Usually pretty easy but at times I do feel the need to explain myself and legitimize why I'm not doing whatever it is the other party wants me to do (or not do).

 

[Halla74]

Instantaneously.

I can shut people out of my life like turning off a light switch if I feel it necessary.

If such ability is used destructively it is referred to as "stonewalling", right?

But - if it's a matter of eliminating a toxic person from interacting with you, it is a fantastic tool.

 

[Lark]

Instantaneously.

I can shut people out of my life like turning off a light switch if I feel it necessary.

If such ability is used destructively it is referred to as "stonewalling", right?

But - if it's a matter of eliminating a toxic person from interacting with you, it is a fantastic tool.

I can do this too, although there's been one person which I wasnt able to keep it up with most of the time its easy and I think it is a good thing for exact reason that you mention.

Sure some people are learning and sure they may be on a different time table you other people but some people are just toxic, very, very resistant to any kind of learning or reflection, their entire personality or character structure could militate against any kind of learning and your interaction with them will only wasting your time and entrenching their behaviour.

I'm prepared to believe that there's some saintly sorts of people, the opposite of the toxics who can repeatedly detox others without tiring or paying forward any hurt but they are few and far between.