[ENTP] Social insecurity and how to deal with it? (Recent problem included)

[Mondo]

This problem is kind of hard to explain in words.
I have this fear that most people really don't like me and are just hanging out with me for other reasons.
No matter how self-confident I feel in other matters, I just don't think I'm a very likable person. I have strong social skills and people usually laugh at my jokes. I can bring life and fun to a social situation but I still fear that people still don't like me because I'm missing some important attributes..I don't entirely know what those are.
I can be a little obnoxious at times and sometimes insult others without the intention of hurting their feelings.

A lot of it stems from being in a relationship which lasted much longer than it should have- it turned out she wanted to breakup for a while but didn't want to hurt my feelings...so instead she got more distant and pissy (maybe hoping I'd be the one to initiate the breakup- since admittedly she was acting in ways which made the relationship much less fun) until she finally got some guts and did it herself, since I was determined to work through whatever and wasn't so eager to end things.
I'm happy things ended now but at the time, I was devastated.

I was bullied as a child- but that was expected because I was a scrawny smartass and pissed off people easily.

Some of it also stems from the fact that my college social life is radically different from my high school social life. The friends I made in high school are my friends based on similar interests and having a good time with them. While I have made some friends like that in college, I'm friends with some of them solely because of being part of the same fraternity. I'm just grateful that (for now) it seems like virtually everyone in the frat considers me to be a friend as I consider each one to be a friend. One guy recently turned out to be a jackass though and I worry..

I'm just amazed that what has happened recently has left me a little insecure..especially because I only know her via online.
I've been having some really wonderful conversations with this girl who happens to go to my university. She recently sent me an email saying she won't be as available to chat anymore. The first thought that goes through my mind is.. "Oh shit, what if I said or did something to make her hate/dislike me?" The thing that really bothers me is that if I did do anything wrong- I have no idea what it is. She could just be busier or something but still I tend to assume the worst in these cases.
I tend to be a huge pessimist in this respect...

I know it's long and unorganized but any thoughts? Fi is probably my weakest function, so while I'm good at knowing how people feel from what they show me- I'm not as good at figuring out what people feel about me. I know most people think positive things about me but I don't know about how they feel.


Another scary thing I've realized is that I feel I can live a life of being single for the rest of my life- but I feel that it's not normal to think this way and I have to keep in mind that one of my main reasons for thinking this is because I've been hurt in the past.

 

[ryb]

I would have asked the girl why she wouldn't be as available to chat anymore, cause I would have liked to known and I would also shown my interest that way.

Of course you can live a life of being single, but you can also live a life of not being single, am I right?

I can identify with blaming myself like that though, but I try to tell myself that it's probably got to do with something else.

 

[INTPness]

I have this fear that most people really don't like me and are just hanging out with me for other reasons.
No matter how self-confident I feel in other matters, I just don't think I'm a very likable person. I have strong social skills and people usually laugh at my jokes. I can bring life and fun to a social situation but I still fear that people still don't like me because I'm missing some important attributes..I don't entirely know what those are.

FWIW, one of the most important things I learned in "Social Anxiety Disorder" counseling was: don't assume what people might think of you. Stop trying to "mind read". Chances are that people (a) aren't thinking about you and your lack of this or lack of that nearly as much as you might think, (b) if asked, most would probably say that they like you a lot and generally enjoy your company (even if there are things about you that drive them crazy, but that's true of everyone), and (c) even if a few people out of each group don't like you, it's no big deal. Not everyone is going to like you.

I can be a little obnoxious at times and sometimes insult others without the intention of hurting their feelings.

This matches up pretty well with one particular ENTP that I know. People love being around the guy. The people who are sensitive, get hurt easily so they don't like him as much. Then there is another group of people who don't like him because they say that "you can't have a serious conversation with him". If a serious topic comes up or a discussion that would normally last a while, he will just make jokes through the whole discussion and get everyone all mixed up. I myself would love to pick the guy's brain about certain topics because I know he has a lot of knowledge, but it's hard to get him to "be serious" for very long. So, out of 10 people, probably 2 get their feelings hurt and don't want to be around him. Another 2 or 3 get frustrated because he's funny, but just jokes around way too much. The other 5 or 6 love him and want to be around him all the time. Even those people would point out things about him that frustrate them, but overall, he's still very well liked.

 

[Arclight]

I though this was some new type of Welfare where your benefits came randomly, or maybe not at all.

My Bad.. carry on

 

[INTPness]

I though this was some new type of Welfare where your benefits came randomly, or maybe not at all.

My Bad.. carry on

LOL. That's what the current system should be called - social insecurity.

 

[ReflecTcelfeR]

This problem is kind of hard to explain in words.
I have this fear that most people really don't like me and are just hanging out with me for other reasons.
No matter how self-confident I feel in other matters, I just don't think I'm a very likable person. I have strong social skills and people usually laugh at my jokes. I can bring life and fun to a social situation but I still fear that people still don't like me because I'm missing some important attributes..I don't entirely know what those are.
I can be a little obnoxious at times and sometimes insult others without the intention of hurting their feelings.

A lot of it stems from being in a relationship which lasted much longer than it should have- it turned out she wanted to breakup for a while but didn't want to hurt my feelings...so instead she got more distant and pissy (maybe hoping I'd be the one to initiate the breakup- since admittedly she was acting in ways which made the relationship much less fun) until she finally got some guts and did it herself, since I was determined to work through whatever and wasn't so eager to end things.
I'm happy things ended now but at the time, I was devastated.

I was bullied as a child- but that was expected because I was a scrawny smartass and pissed off people easily.

Some of it also stems from the fact that my college social life is radically different from my high school social life. The friends I made in high school are my friends based on similar interests and having a good time with them. While I have made some friends like that in college, I'm friends with some of them solely because of being part of the same fraternity. I'm just grateful that (for now) it seems like virtually everyone in the frat considers me to be a friend as I consider each one to be a friend. One guy recently turned out to be a jackass though and I worry..

I'm just amazed that what has happened recently has left me a little insecure..especially because I only know her via online.
I've been having some really wonderful conversations with this girl who happens to go to my university. She recently sent me an email saying she won't be as available to chat anymore. The first thought that goes through my mind is.. "Oh shit, what if I said or did something to make her hate/dislike me?" The thing that really bothers me is that if I did do anything wrong- I have no idea what it is. She could just be busier or something but still I tend to assume the worst in these cases.
I tend to be a huge pessimist in this respect...

I know it's long and unorganized but any thoughts? Fi is probably my weakest function, so while I'm good at knowing how people feel from what they show me- I'm not as good at figuring out what people feel about me. I know most people think positive things about me but I don't know about how they feel.


Another scary thing I've realized is that I feel I can live a life of being single for the rest of my life- but I feel that it's not normal to think this way and I have to keep in mind that one of my main reasons for thinking this is because I've been hurt in the past.

I feel like this when I have time to sit down and analyze every little thing I said and did throughout a conversation and I get paranoid, but most of the time I just go with the "I can't change it now so screw it."

 

[Vie]

I feel the exact same way.

I will feel good when I leave the situation, but a couple hours later when I'm laying and bed thinking or something -- I begin to hardcore over analyze. I panic myself into thinking that the conversations I had with people I like, I think I did something wrong based off their reaction.

My social insecurites sometimes get the best of me and I freak out and just bitch at everyone who crosses my path.

I've found working out or anything that causes me to be to exhausted to think is the only solution. Probably not a healthy one, but it works. :\ Most of the time.

 

[Fidelia]

You already understand the reasons that you feel this way. You also sound like you're relatively young. Confidence mostly comes with more experience. I wish that I had felt as self-assured in high school and at the beginning of university as I did later on. I learned a lot from an ESTJ boyfriend who assumed that people did want him around, made a point of approaching them first, and even "imposed" himself on them in a good way, amply giving his practical skills (computer help, fix it stuff etc) and cooking in return! When we broke up, despite me having been more involved with a lot of those people and more loyal, they ended up "choosing" him. A lot of it, I realized was because he made them feel that they were good friends of his. Because he acted like they were, they responded. I hung back until I was sure they felt we were good friends. That takes a lot longer and if the other person has insecurities too, it doesn't happen! When I decided to try approaching people more, I was shocked at how warmly they responded.

Everyone has that same voice playing in their heads, "Maybe they're only inviting you along to be nice" or "You may think they want you around, but maybe you are not perceiving things correctly" etc. The experiences we have, particular in childhood do affect us profoundly later on. It takes awhile to realize that we do not remain the same person, as well as see some of the reasons (that may be unrelated to yourself) why people responded the way they did back then. It took me years to no longer picture myself (when I thought of how I looked) as a 14 year old, baby faced kid with frizzy hair that was big compared to my sister and had thick glasses. Those years are probably our ugliest, and yet they are the most impacting ones.

The best thing you can do right now, is practice making connections with all kinds of people (family, relatives, friends, acquaintances, strangers) and look for ways that you can put them at ease or make them feel valued. Most people love to be asked about themselves. Everyone has something they are an expert in. Look for what that thing is and then learn as much as you can from them. It may only be in one conversation (which will make you more informed and interesting, while also making them feel great and making conversation flow comfortably), or it may be a skill that you can learn from someone you know over a longer period of time. Also add to the skill bank that you have. This allows you to connect in more ways with people, join in more activities, and also have something valuable to offer a friendship. You will become more confident with more experiences, more people connections and more things that you feel good at doing.

Regarding singleness - I think it is worth remaining single long enough to see what things are great about it. Being single or being with someone each has a list of goods and bads that accompany it. Most are only aware of the bads about singleness and the good about being with someone. This creates unrealistic expectations, wastes valuable time when you are single and less restricted, and also makes you choose a partner out of a place of need. Insecurity greatly affects your communications skills, which is crucial for a relationship to work well. You will end up choosing a partner who is also insecure and more likely to hurt you, or you will end up driving away or dragging down a more secure partner. Regard this as your opportunity to become the person you need to be so that when the right person comes along, you are ready and you don't screw it up! Everyone can have someone - doesn't matter who you are or what you are like. It just depends on what you are willing to accept in a SO or mate. Start thinking now about what qualities matter to you in a friend or in an SO and work hard to make sure that you have those bases covered yourself!

Generally insecurity makes you focus too much on yourself and your own feelings and reactions. It means that you have no margin left over to pay attention to the needs of other people around you and so you miss important cues. We all are pretty insecure when we're younger. This comes from lack of familiarity in a situation (which can be fixed through more experiences) and lack of identity (which is what allows us to remain distinct while being part of a group or a relationship - very important!). People often are also made insecure from bad experiences growing up, or something that has happened later which has shaken their trust. While these things aren't their fault, they will not have the tools to make a friendship or relationship successful until they look at why they are insecure and start working to deal with those root causes, instead of just the symptoms.

 

[ReflecTcelfeR]

I feel the exact same way.

I will feel good when I leave the situation, but a couple hours later when I'm laying and bed thinking or something -- I begin to hardcore over analyze. I panic myself into thinking that the conversations I had with people I like, I think I did something wrong based off their reaction.

My social insecurites sometimes get the best of me and I freak out and just bitch at everyone who crosses my path.

I've found working out or anything that causes me to be to exhausted to think is the only solution. Probably not a healthy one, but it works. :\ Most of the time.

Society is an enormous pain. Have you read a book titled "Ishmael", by Daniel Quinn? It's about society/culture and things along that line. I loved it. I woke up one morning and read through the 250 page book in a couple of hours. I love it.

 

[Oddly Refined]

FWIW, one of the most important things I learned in "Social Anxiety Disorder" counseling was: don't assume what people might think of you. Stop trying to "mind read". Chances are that people (a) aren't thinking about you and your lack of this or lack of that nearly as much as you might think, (b) if asked, most would probably say that they like you a lot and generally enjoy your company (even if there are things about you that drive them crazy, but that's true of everyone), and (c) even if a few people out of each group don't like you, it's no big deal. Not everyone is going to like you.

This is excellent advice and very true. Also, keep in mind you're not alone. Most people have insecure moments. The key is to figure out how to manage your fears so one isn't overwhelmed.

Society is an enormous pain. Have you read a book titled "Ishmael", by Daniel Quinn? It's about society/culture and things along that line. I loved it. I woke up one morning and read through the 250 page book in a couple of hours. I love it.

Have you read Providence by Daniel Quinn? The book describes the author's personal journey in relation to some of the themes in Ishmael.

 

[ReflecTcelfeR]

Have you read Providence by Daniel Quinn? The book describes the author's personal journey in relation to some of the themes in Ishmael.

I haven't, but I need too!

 

[Oddly Refined]

I haven't, but I need too!

 

[ReflecTcelfeR]

I'm hitting up Barnes & Noble up very soon with a list of books.

 

[Vie]

Society is an enormous pain. Have you read a book titled "Ishmael", by Daniel Quinn? It's about society/culture and things along that line. I loved it. I woke up one morning and read through the 250 page book in a couple of hours. I love it.

I haven't but I'll have to check it out!

 

[Valuable_Money]

I feel this is appropriate.

Now what are you waiting for? GAMBLE A STAMP!

 

[Fidelia]

Do you want me to merge your two threads, or did you put them in two different subforums on purpose? I notice this one is getting a lot more traffic.

 

[MoneyTick]

This problem is kind of hard to explain in words.
I have this fear that most people really don't like me and are just hanging out with me for other reasons.
No matter how self-confident I feel in other matters, I just don't think I'm a very likable person. I have strong social skills and people usually laugh at my jokes. I can bring life and fun to a social situation but I still fear that people still don't like me because I'm missing some important attributes..I don't entirely know what those are.
I can be a little obnoxious at times and sometimes insult others without the intention of hurting their feelings.

A lot of it stems from being in a relationship which lasted much longer than it should have- it turned out she wanted to breakup for a while but didn't want to hurt my feelings...so instead she got more distant and pissy (maybe hoping I'd be the one to initiate the breakup- since admittedly she was acting in ways which made the relationship much less fun) until she finally got some guts and did it herself, since I was determined to work through whatever and wasn't so eager to end things.
I'm happy things ended now but at the time, I was devastated.

I was bullied as a child- but that was expected because I was a scrawny smartass and pissed off people easily.

Some of it also stems from the fact that my college social life is radically different from my high school social life. The friends I made in high school are my friends based on similar interests and having a good time with them. While I have made some friends like that in college, I'm friends with some of them solely because of being part of the same fraternity. I'm just grateful that (for now) it seems like virtually everyone in the frat considers me to be a friend as I consider each one to be a friend. One guy recently turned out to be a jackass though and I worry..

I'm just amazed that what has happened recently has left me a little insecure..especially because I only know her via online.
I've been having some really wonderful conversations with this girl who happens to go to my university. She recently sent me an email saying she won't be as available to chat anymore. The first thought that goes through my mind is.. "Oh shit, what if I said or did something to make her hate/dislike me?" The thing that really bothers me is that if I did do anything wrong- I have no idea what it is. She could just be busier or something but still I tend to assume the worst in these cases.
I tend to be a huge pessimist in this respect...

I know it's long and unorganized but any thoughts? Fi is probably my weakest function, so while I'm good at knowing how people feel from what they show me- I'm not as good at figuring out what people feel about me. I know most people think positive things about me but I don't know about how they feel.


Another scary thing I've realized is that I feel I can live a life of being single for the rest of my life- but I feel that it's not normal to think this way and I have to keep in mind that one of my main reasons for thinking this is because I've been hurt in the past.

Well, you're kind of in my shoes - slightly.

We are totally identical in the fact that we really don't know how to fully discern what people are telling us.

When it comes to relationships, my ability to understand the underlying meaning of every text, phone call or conversation is completely sabotaged.

 

[InTheFlesh]

If you over-thinking things does it make you more of a Thinking or Feeling type? Or could it go either way?

 

[Litvyak]

First thoughts: to appreciate your world, you have to be honest with yourself, that's the first step. If you don't think you're a "very likable person", self-confidence in any area is only a facade you're putting up for yourself. You have to deconstruct those barriers to be able to reconstruct your foundation of self-appreciation before anything else. Just admit that you're not confident and try processing those negative feeligns without sinking into depression. Why do you clinge to past grievance? What is it that you can't handle? What attributes are you missing, and how can you be better in them? After this, you can start rethinking your inner world, which may temporarily screw up your outer facade. If you don't feel like it, don't try to be the center of the party until you've resolved these conflicts in yourself, try to handle them in a mature and responsible way instead, that is very attractive in itself, I find.
Try to find the situations where you hurt someone or where you're annoyed and break them down in all honesty, they might tell you a lot more about yourself than about the people you're criticizing. Nosce te ipsum. Why didn't the relationship work? What do you have to change? Don't be afraid to ask for help from an outsider, your friends or a counselor or whatever. Appreciate the lessons you've learned instead of pointing out her behavior before parting ways. You might have many "friends", but are they there for you in times of trouble? Start building up meaningful relationships by being honestly curious, imagine everybody as a single microcosm to be explored, struggling with their pasts, just like you.

Don't ask the girl about her reasons, try to find a way to contact her again, and if she declines, let it go. There are tons of reasons for her behavior. She's the guest in your world and you're the gift she has to obtain, not vice versa.

Another scary thing I've realized is that I feel I can live a life of being single for the rest of my life- but I feel that it's not normal to think this way

It is, if you're an introvert. You might want to reconsider your type.

 

[Mondo]

Do you want me to merge your two threads, or did you put them in two different subforums on purpose? I notice this one is getting a lot more traffic.

Merging the two would probably be a good idea! I wasn't sure which one was more appropriate but it seems to be the NT rationale in this case.

I found your advice on that subforum to be particularly helpful BTW, thanks!